Wealthy Friend Can't Cook or Make a Bed

If things are truly that dire for them...life will teach them. Sooner or later the helper will leave them if she's not getting paid. Sooner or later they will need to pay the utilities, eat, and need clean clothes. They are in denial and unfortunately, it's going to take a few hard knocks to bring them to reality.

If the kids are in school, they'll learn real quick that nobody is going to take care of them. It might even take some school yard scuffles to get the point through, but they'll learn.

As for whether you can help them or not... the answer is probably not, unless you plan on paying their way. Just step aside and be prepared to watch them go through the inevitible changes.

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Hon, as long as your wealthy Friend and her kids can read, I think she's covered. Anything she needs to know can be found on the web and in books and I bet those kids know more than they seem.
There is no sense in fighting windmills and denial. You have offered, they have declined your teachings.
They may need a bit more time to come to terms with their new reality. Just be there for her when she comes around and asks you how to operate a washer and dryer or for a recipe.
Good luck!

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This sounds like a script for a lifetime movie. Seriously.

I guess if I had a part to play in this drama, I'd stick with trying to be her friend and gently try and teach her how to take care of herself. Or invite her kids over to "play" and then get them involved in the kitchen to make brownies or something. Thereby, teaching them how to get around a kitchen, so even if mom doesn't ever want to shape up and learn how to pull herself up by her bootstraps, at least her kids won't be left without breakfast.

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While I admire your WANTING to help, I don't think your friend WANTS your help. Be supportive in listening to your friend and being there for her. If/when she needs your help, she'll ask for it. It really isn't your problem to fix. Some people really never learn that teaching their children to be self-sufficient is one of the best things a parent can do. Her parents did her a big disservice and she is unfortunately doing the same for her kids. My 10 year old can do laundry and clean the house if she had to. Of course, these aren't required of her on a regular basis, but she definately contributes to what needs to be done in the house as we all do.

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You are right to try to help your friend but as someone else mentioned you should not enable. I'm sure your friend and family are in shock at their current circumstances. I believe when their housekeeper leaves then the reality will set in, if it hasn't already. Just tell her you are there to help and to come to you when she is ready with no judgement. Leave it at that.

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It sounds funny as heck. If this scenario is true as outlined, then I believe the'll figure it out. But heck, I know a lot of people that grew up poor to lower middle class and they don't know how to take care of themselves either. You should see how my husband keeps his part of the house! LOL

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Your reasoning make sense to me, but your friend does not want to hear it.

You have made an offer to help. Your friend made a choice not to accept your help. You can tell her the offer is on the table if she changes her mind, but to keep harping on her seems wrong to me. It may just make her dig in her cinderella slippers even deeper.

When the housekeeper leaves and the house turns to shambles she will have to make a decision. If you rush in and rescue her then it's not much different that what she has expected her whole life. So I would advise you not to run over there and start cleaning. That would just be enabling. Don't worry, the kids aren't idiots. There were a few things my mother forgot to teach me too, but when I felt they were important I learned them on my own.

If they come to you, teach them. That will be very nice.

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Old family retainers can be as close, or even more so, than family members. For a touchstone: think Bruce Wayne's Alfred. She may well need to take another job, but she may also be back as soon as they're flush again.

I know many people from old money. Aquaintences with some, friends with others. In fact my cousin is marrying a man who, as a child, never wore the same pair of clothes, and until coming to school... didn't know how to turn an oven on (of course, the oven in his house *I* wouldn't be able to turn on, either, because it is approximately the size of my entire kitchen). They may not know how to do some things, but they can do others that I would, am, or have been absolutely clueless about.

Their family may be skint... but more likely... they're just in a valley. Most wealthy families have trust funds that are inviolate for the kids that *cannot* be opened until the child reaches their majority (usually at around age 24-26). Unless her family ALSO lost everything, there is also probably money in the wings. But family politicking surrounding money isn't something I'm even going to venture into. PLUS, if her husband is "new" money, he still has all the connections it takes in order to rebuild his fortune over the next few years. (Old money and New money works differently... although many seemingly wealthy Old money families have to marry into New Money, because they have titles and lands, but very little income.)

ANYHOW... it's just a different world.

They may be done for good, they may not. But either way... cooking and cleaning aren't virtues... just skills. And skills can be learned.

I think it's kind of you to offer, but just as you might not accept something offered, no matter how sensible the giver thinks the thing is, they too have the right to figure things out on their own.

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Honey there is nothing you can do, let them fall on their face, that is the only way they will ever come to terms of what has happened. Just be there for her when the time comes, it will be very hard for her to ask for help. Just keep being the friend you have always been to her.

You've done what you can and now it is time to let it go. If and when your freind is ready to face reality as it is for her right now and accept your help, she will let you know. Be there if you can but allow her to come to terms with her financial situation in her own time. That's pretty much all you can do for her right now.

Invite the kids over to your house and teach them simple meals. Make it fun.

It's great that you want to help your friend, but this is something she needs to figure out on her own. Be there for her when she's asks questions and show/teach her how to do things when the time comes, but DO NOT do it for her. Don't worry about her kids, they to will eventually figure it out.

Simply let her know it is a standing offer, and wait until after the maid leaves and reality really sets in, and hope she asks for help. If, after the maid leaves, she is struggling but can not ask for the help, than show up with the ingredients, and new cook book, and ask her to help you make this new dish. Leave the book when you leave. Make sure it is an easy one to follow, like Betty Crockers every thing you need to know about cooking.

It's a life lesson they HOPEFULLY will learn from.

Definately in denial. Which is understandable and very unhealthy.

Have you spoken to the housekeeper to see if she would help you and the family with chores..kind-of like an on-the-job training with the kids?

I'd keep at it and not sugar coat anything to your friend. It is what it is. IF these kids don't learn to live on less, they are going to result to other means of reclaiming their lifestyle...illegally.

Your friend is embarrassed and proud..which will get her no where.

What's the husband doing? Is he trying to get back "on track"?

Nanc

Sorry, there is nothing you can do. Some people will always live in a fantasy land. I have a SIL like this. She was always moving, because her dad was always losing businesses and then finding new investors and then screwing that up, etc... Her parents have always "acted" like they had money, even when they had to resort to minimum wage jobs for a time. The mother did everything for her kids. I remember one Thanksgiving, we handed my spoiled SIL a carrot and a peeler. She had no clue what to do. She stood there looking back and forth at the peeler and carrot. It was the funniest thing to see. She's almost 40 and is a horrible cook. I would feel bad for her, but she grew up to be a very self centered, selfish person whom most people don't like. Sounds like these kids are headed in the same direction. When there is so much pride, there is nothing you can do, but watch. Sad.

Um, I think you're a little too involved in the details of her life. Actually, it might be good for the kids to endure a little hardship. Kids and trust funds are usually not a good combo.

Also, many people in this country have fallen on hard times right now, so their situation isn't all that unique.

You have tried. You cannot change them. You cannot save them. Stop. Live your life, enjoy them. Let them lead their life. It is their choice. By doing so, they can come to you when/if they are ready. Don't talk to the kids about their parents - they'll isolate from you - loyalties are with their parents. Just be a cheerful presence for them.

As a friend, perhaps you could find ways to show her compassion for her current financial crisis and lifestyle change. You are not her mother, doctor, or therapist. It sounds like she is not looking to you for advice, or suggestions to fix her problem. She may decide to make some changes on her own, but if you desire to be a true friend then the best you could to is to talk to her and, more importantly, listen to her.

How would you feel if a friend were to judge and gossip about your troubles on-line? I hope this doesn't sound like I am judging you, I am sure you want to help your friend. I am suggesting there may be other ways to actually accomplish that. Talking about her problems here, or telling her what to do, is not a kind or friendly act.

This kind of thing always fascinates me--the fact that there are people in the world who have never cleaned anything in their life.
Many of the people I know have house cleaners, and they are not rich. I have never had one, nor had my parents.
But I knew someone who grew up wealthy in Europe---she actually was not allowed to even go into the kitchen when she was growing up in Germany. Her house was destroyed in WWII. Well she married and came to the U.S. and when her kitchen got dirty...she decided to use a garden hose on the floor, thinking the water would go out the door, but the threshold was too high and she just flooded the kitchen! She was pretty helpless.

You might think about giving them a few how-to books. How to look for a job, how to fix things, etc. They may be too embarrassed to talk to anyone about the problem, but maybe they will read about solutions, when they are alone.

I have recently made a binder of super simple recipes for my soon to be 18 son, because I know he doesn't really cook and I want him to have a resource for how to make boiled eggs, baked potatoes, BLTs and all that.
This might be nice gift for the children, along with a digital timer. But I wouldn't do it for the adults, based on what you have said of your friend's attitude.
I wonder if she thinks she "can't" because she doesn't believe she is competent enough, or because she thinks it will make her less of a person somehow...
Don't do things for them. But do give them resources, or at least give the kids resources, and they will work it out.