We Are at Wits End...

Letting your daughter cry it out doesn't mean without any consoling. It's important for her to know that you're still there and you love her. Try Ferber's method. Contrary to what many people think, he's against just letting your child cry. Let her cry for 3 minutes, and then check on her. Soothe her by talking to her, stroking her face or back, whatever will make her feel better. But don't pick her up. Stay with her for a minute or two, but not any longer. If after you leave she's still crying, check on her again in 5 minutes. If she's still crying when you leave, check on her again in 7 minutes. Repeat the 7 minute interval as long as she's crying that first night.

The book will go into more detail on how to increase the intervals between checking each night. The first couple of chapters on sleeping are really interesting. It took me a few days to read it, but it really helped a lot with our son. He'll be 5 months in a week, and he was having a really terrible time sleeping. Now he can settle himself back into sleep when he wakes up between cycles. It's like we have our life back. I won't lie to you, the first night was incredibly tough. But we all survived. The next night was easier, and last night was the 4th night and he didn't cry once. He's really responded well.

I wouldn't be able to let our son cry for an hour uninterrupted, that's just not good for anyone. Go pick up Ferber's book "How to Solve your Child's Sleep Problems." It's really humane and it worked really well for us and for our son.

Good luck.
H.

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Hi L.,

I feel your pain...it's hard to listen to them cry and even harder when you know what's wrong, in this case, probably lack of sleep, but I agree having her checked out by her doctor to rule out ear infections is a good idea.

If that all checks out ok, I want to give you some advice based on my experiences and the advice of our Pediatrician. He's a sleep expert and has written books about sleeping, but generally he would say sleep equals sleep....the more a baby sleeps the more they will sleep and the easier it will be for them to fall asleep. First of all, you might want to try getting her to bed earlier rather than later. Start her bedtime routine at 6:00 or 6:30 so she's in bed no later than 6:30 or 7:00. This way you're getting her into bed before she's over tired. My other suggestion has to do with naps. I've been told that a baby has to nap for an hour for the sleep to be considered recooperative. If she's only taking 30 minute naps on certain days you might notice that those days she's a little fussier to go to sleep. If our baby wakes before an hour has gone by I leave her in there for a while to see if she will fall back to sleep. This may be difficult for you to do if your baby wakes up crying.

I don't want to push a particular method on you and tell you to go buy a book, but if you're in the store and see our pediatrician's book, you might want to skim it. Since we've followed his advice our 11 month old sleeps for 11-12 hours at night and takes 2 1-2 hour naps. She very rarely cries when we put her to bed (unless she's over tired) and even if she doesn't go to sleep right away she just babbles to herself until she does...oh and she also doesn't cry when she wakes up...again, just babbling until we pick her up.

Anyway, if you're interested, the book is "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth, M.D. The book also discusses other options to crying it out if you're not comfortable with that. When we started "sleep training" it took about 3 nights of crying for no longer than 15-20 minutes and then she slept like an angel....I wish I could sleep like her. :)

Please feel free to email me if you have any questions. I'm a first time mom with baby #2 on the way and I know how daunting it can all be and how we need to shut off at the end of a long day.

Good luck!
C.

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We had this issue with our first.
I would try putting her to bed earlier. 6 or 6:30. Make sure you have a definate bedtime routine. It sounds like she's might be overtired. Notice what time she starts to get sleepy then start your bedtime routine about 15 minutes before, even if it's dinner time, feed her sooner. Last winter we were eating dinner at 4:30-5 because my girls then 2 and 3 were going to bed at 6. Sometimes kids bedtime does not fit in our schedule. Try reading "healthy sleep habits, happy child" by Mark weissbluth.
The good news is, you won't have this problem with any second or 3rd children ;)

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Haven't read other responses, just wanted to chime in that it's usually at 9 months that they actually have the memory of you and they miss you. I saw an episode of Supernanny where the little one would do the same so SN told the mommy she thought the little guy was afraid of the separation, told the mommy she needs to sit next to the crib, the room dark (nightlight if necessary) just so she knows you are there, and let her cry it out standing at the crib. What she has learned so far is that all she needs to do is hold out and you will eventually respond. If you are in the room w/ her, already responding as it were, she will sit and cry (scream) at you for your attention... On the SN show, the little boy cried for 1.5 hrs the first night (yes the mother was losing it the whole time, but SN stayed w/ her at the doorway giving her encouragement, maybe your hub can do that?), the second night was 45 mins, the 3rd 15 mins, the 4th they were able to put him in crib and he would fall asleep. Also, each night the mother would move a few feet further from the crib until she was sitting by the door by 4th night... It was a retraining thing i guess, and the little boy would literally fall asleep whimpering. If you have the 4 evenings to donate, or maybe 5 or 6, or maybe 3... who knows... good luck, if you do try this.

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First of all, the cry it out method is horrible from a baby's point of view. If they are voicing a need and you aren't meeting it, then they get even MORE frustrated. Crying is the only form of communication your baby has with you. It tells you she NEEDS something. Babies aren't manipulative!

Second, I'm not sure I can say this without being judgemental.... can you not hold her and watch the news? or a movie? I'm sure this would be less frustrating (you wouldn't have to hear her cry and she would be happier as well!)

Babies go through a lot of things at a lot of stages... it seems like it lasts forever when in reality it is very brief. Try to stay calm and realize it won't last forever.

Maybe she's hungry and going through a growth spurt. It won't "train" her to wake up for a bottle if you give her one to get through this stage.

Maybe she's teething and wants something icy to gnaw on. Try Hyland's teething tablets (they have them at Meijer and Walgreens.) You could do this right before bed as well and it might get her past the "hump" of waking at 15 minutes.

Maybe she is getting an ear ache- there is a horrible cold going around right now (ask me how I know- UGH!) Can you try to prop her up on a wedge so that if it's drainage it will not run into her eustacian tubes in her ears? You can put the wedge under her head or under the crib mattress.

It could also be reflux- is she spitting up at all? I get acid in my throat at night and it's horrible- I would cry too if I was her age! Again, the wedge might help with that.

I would try putting her down earlier too- sometimes being OVERtired means the baby has a harder time settling down. It sounds like if she's falling asleep in her dinner, this could be the case. Why not try a night at 6:30 and try to have her asleep by 7? I would make sure her room is totally dark too- light can really impact babies' sleep sometimes. White noise might help too.

Being a mom is hard- sometimes you have to sacrifice rather than compromise! Try to stay cool though- getting upset will only make HER more upset as well. Hang in there! In a few weeks, this will probably be a distant memory!

:)
Manda

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Amanda and Naomi are right on target. Make sure there are no medical issues. I would then say, I don't care if it is babies or adults. When someone calls out for help, and is consistently ignored, they will figure out pretty fast that they are not a priority and cannot depend on people to respond to their needs. Of course they are going to stop trying.
I have an idea as to what I would like to do to this Ferber person but will spare you that. I also think that some parents like to sight "studies" that serve their own needs and not those of their children. I am not suggesting that YOU are doing this. I AM suggesting that some of the responders are.
There are numerous studies showing just the opposite....that babies under 12 months cry because they need something. That is how they communicate. Sad that we go through more to get a drivers license than to qualify for raising a human being. There is a difference between fussing and "HELP!". Responsible parents conduct themselves accordingly. You DO need your sleep, no question. Sleep deprivation is the worst sort of "torture". I have witnessed it first hand and it is horrible. Can you take a nap? Can you switch off with your husband or relative/occasional sitter? ......and this too shall pass.

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Hi L.!
After reading the responses other have left I am here to lend support--not judge you as many other are rudely doing. There are two opposing views on "cry it out" and way too many oppinionated people being judgemental. If this is not their method of choice they should keep their opinions to themselves. It is NOT harmful!!!

That being said I can sympathize with you and your feelings. Yes, you are a mom, but you need a life too!! It is healthy to desire time alone away from your child and the peace of them sleeping alone in their crib--that is the way it is meant to be in my opinion. My son only had problems waking at night when he was teething so you may want to try Motrin 1/2 hour before bedtime. Has she shown any other signs? Drooling? Gnawing on things? Have you tried a teething ring?
After you rule out a medical problem I would try the Ferber method and don't give in and pick her up. They are testing their boundaries at this age. She just needs to get the message that she has no choice but to sleep. Another thing we do is play soft music every night on a CD player. It really seems to calm him down to fall asleep and even works in the middle of the night if he cries. We just put the music back on and leave and he calms himself to sleep.

Good luck with getting through this tough phase!!
L.

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Chances are it is teeth or maybe an ear infection have you ruled that out at the doctor? Have you given tylenol?

This next statement is going to come out way worse than I mean it to ...but welcome to parenthood - the movies and the news can wait, if your biggest problem is not being able to watch TV for a couple of nights/weekend you ought to thank your lucky stars that is the only issue.

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We struggled with the same thing. The crying out thing does work. It's painful and my husband and I both cried during the process but it works. We followed the Ferber method. You set the timer for 5 minutes and if she is crying vigorously after the 5 you go in the room.... you DON"T pick her up just calmly tell her you love her and will see her in the morning but it's time for bed. Then you leave (she will cry louder). Next you set the timer for 10 minutes and if she is crying vigorously (that is part of the thing.... if she is only whining not really crying don't go in) you go in and rub her back...tell her you love her and leave. Really limit the time you are in the room... .just a minute or so. Add five minutes to the timer every time you leave....Decide what your max time is.... Ours was 20 minutes. It's hard but it works. If you pick her up....she will know you will give it. It's hard but it really does work and it's totally worth it. The first night was bad.... it was almost two hours.... the second night was better .... 30 minutes and by the third night she was great. If you want to read the actual book it is by Dr. Richard Ferber.. Solving your child's sleep problems. My little one is three and she still goes to sleep by her self. Good luck!

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I'm sorry you're having a hard time but just wanted to say that parenting doesn't end when the sun goes down. Of course we all need a break sometimes but your daughter is obviously telling you that something is wrong and that she NEEDS YOU.

Waking up about 15 minutes after falling asleep hysterical actually sounds pretty characteristic of night terrors, in which case she just needs you to hold/comfort her until she can fall back asleep.

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Hi there L.,

Do remember that teething has 2 stages. First when the teeth comes down into the gums and then when they finally cut. Both are equally painful to her although you can only see the second part. It is worse for them when they are lying down, so use the Tylenol for a few nights if you have to. Have a dose would already make her feel better and it can not harm her. I asked my pediatritian.

Secondly the crying-out does not mean to let her cry without any consoling, but don't pick her up. Stroke her back and her head, if she can pull to a standing position, give her a hug and gently ease her down. Don't let her cry for more then 15 min at a time they way she does not feel abandoned and she learns that when its bedtime and she goes into her crib, its time to sleep and she does not come out until morning. We did all the above with my 13 month old and although incredibly hard, it worked.

I hope this helps. Take heart in the fact that this fase to shall pass.

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