Was the Christmas Spirit Missed?

C.,
I would tell the kids that the one that is misshaped doesn't fit, and you noticed the other one had a hole. Would they mind if you exchanged them. That you wanted to check with them first since they took the time to pick them out for you, you didn't want to hurt their feelings without asking them first.
If they did pick them out, they shouldn't mind. If your hubby or their mom picked them out, that may put enough of a guilt trip on them that they'll make sure to do better for the next occassion.
If you want to get at hubby, cuz your feelings are hurt, you could approach him too. 'Honey, I don't know what to do. I like the sweaters, and I know that they took the time... I don't want to hurt their feelings... do YOU think they'll mind??'
Guilt trips can be wonderful things, on many levels.
M.

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C., I'm a bit confused -- you said your husband usually takes the older kids shopping to buy gifts for you at Christmas, yet you later said you think the gifts you received from those kids was "their mother's doing." If she's a Tiffany's shopper who won't go near Wal-Mart, I can't picture her shopping at TJ Maxx either, unless she just dropped the kids off there. Is the concern that your husband as well as your kids dropped the ball and didn't put any thought into the gifts? Or is TJ Maxx maybe all the kids could afford, if they're paying for their own gifts this year? One thing to consider: Teenagers often love that store and they may have thought they were doing great by you.

My main thought is that at ages 17 and 15, these youngsters shouldn't have Dad or Mom helping them shop for you; they should be doing that themselves (even if Dad does have to add some cash to their shopping), or better, they could be encouraged to come up with something original and thoughtful -- not any gift from a store but gifts like homemade "certificates" of extra help they're going to give you (not regular chores but big extras they can offer) -- a 17-year-old, for instance, can take the car for its oil changes if Dad gives him or her the cash to pay for it, or a 17-year-old can commit to babysitting the youngest siblings so you can go out for a few hours, or a 15-year-old can commit to creating a "movie night" for you and your husband once each month by making you a simple meal, then pouring your sodas and popping your popcorn later and leaving you alone! Sounds like there's a lot of emphasis on expensive objects on one side of the family; maybe it's a chance for you to put an emphasis on "gifts of myself" on the other side. Maybe spend the next year encouraging the kids, for birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc., to give their other relatives, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends original and thoughtful gifts they make or do as services, rather than stuff, stuff and more stuff. And maybe next Christmas they will say oh yeah, let's do something fun and useful like that for C. too! Maybe they'll even give their mother something that's not from Tiffany's but that should mean a lot more to her. Whether or not she places value on it is up to her and you're not responsible for whether or not she values it. But maybe this is a chance to help these older kids look at gift-giving as something different from mere shopping.

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If being a mother is a thankless job... what is being a step mother? Yeah... that's right. If you expect anything, you are expecting too much. I sincerely don't know which is worse... getting what you got or what I got from my stepchildren. I got nothing. My husband has three children from his "practice marriage" and they are 21, 19, and 18 years old. The middle one is disabled, and she usually makes something for her dad at school, and makes something else for me. She didn't even do that this year. The other two showed up three hours late for dinner on Christmas Eve, then left promptly after opening their gifts on Christmas day. (OK, they stayed for dinner that night, but they kept to themselves all day... and left after dinner...you get the idea)

I guess all I'm saying is that I understand. It's not easy. I have shopped for them for the past 10 years, sometimes standing hours in line for the latest technology with their disabled sister and my two young boys. (once... with no thanks... never again.) They have occasionally made/bought some little trinket, but have never had their mother help them shop for me or their dad. I don't expect it, but when they make sure they have something for their dad and clearly nothing for me, that seems more like a slap in the face. I try not to care, and I still try to keep the spirit. I still shop for them, I still make dinners complete with homemade apple pie, I still make sure their beds are ready and they have what they need when they decide to grace us with their presence.

Clearly, I have trouble not being bitter, but it's not about the gifts... they're just kids with the wrong upbringing (their mother is a real trophy-winner). That's what I have to remember. My husband is a good man and he's why I'm here, so I try to keep focused on him and our family, and the real spirit of Christmas. What would Jesus do? Certainly not be the bitter, petty person I struggle against. ;)

Good luck. ...and it's not the thought that counts, but what you are thinking. It's your reaction. Be the better person. Regardless of their age, they are just kids who have someone tainting their views.

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Forget about the stuff.Forget about their mother's behavior and your husband not holding the teens accountable for the way they treat you.

Despite your best efforts, there are some things you can't control. What you can control is the example you set for your children and stepchildren.

Are the stepchildren respectful when they are around you? Do they show some appreciation for your kindness? Those are the real gifts.

Their mother may be materialistic or she may just have the resources to buy when she wants to and does just that. Your financial situation sounds different. Don't get worked up because she gets stuff from Tiffany's and you don't. In the end it's just stuff and it doesn't necessarily mean she's mnore loved or valued because her gifts came from a more expensive store.

Being a stepmother usually isn't easy. As you note, it's probably not the children, but the unfinished business/anger/hurt between the grownups that is the problem.

Continue to be gracious and kind. You may be the best example of how to behave that these children will see. As much as you can, treat them as though they are yours. Make sure the little ones don't feel different from their older siblings.

Pretty soon, the teenagers will be old enough to act on their own. That's where the payoff for being a good stepmother will show up.

Be patient. Stay strong. Look forward to a Happy New Year.

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My Dear, this a classic case of sour grapes on behalf of the mother. The mother has not let go of the family and probably never will. She does not want her children to bond with you and show that they care about you by a demonstration of what your Christmas gift looks like.

If Christmas is really important to you, by this I mean... If the demonstration of what someone feels about you is summed up in what they give you for Christmas, then you will continue to feel bad.

If not then the demonstration is in what happens all year round, not one day at the end of the year. What is your relationship with these children on a daily basis?

The mother is obviously jealous that you have her ex and is trying to sabotage it by giving you something to fight about. Don't go there!

Get rid of the sweaters by altering them or donating them or just throw them out b/c you are not going to wear them anyway. Don's allow someone to define your values for you.

Find another way of sharing a special activity with the children that they do only w/ you. Ask them or create something new.

Your value as a person, a woman, and a wife is not defined by the relationships in the family. Especially a blended family. A blended family can be challenging.

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C. ~

Your step-children's lack of consideration for your feelings says more about their upbringing (and possibly their mother's influence) than the Christmas spirit! I know it's difficult to not take these slights personally but consider this: they are teenagers, after all, and their view of the world and those in it often does not extend beyond themselves. Combine that with a less-than-mature attitude on their mother's part . . . well, you get what you got. I say return the sweaters and purchase something you really want or need.

You can be proactive in this area in a couple of ways. First and foremost, if your step-children are going to shop for you, your husband should be the guide for that adventure - not his ex-wife. Make this plain to him! Even if she offers to do the gift shopping for you, it's not the best position to put her in.

Next, arm them with a list of gift ideas to choose from, including sizes, color preferences, and places to purchase the gifts (YOUR favorite stores). (One of the solutions I offer families for early holiday preparations is to collect clipped photos & descriptions of gift ideas from catalogs, magazines, internet, etc. all year long - BEFORE time to shop for gifts. This allows the giver to be mindful of other's interests and Christmas wishes as well as their own. I keep a file folder near my desk area that I toss clippings in of books I'd like to read, clothing items in my colors, hobby items, etc., and I include notes on ideas for gift certificates of their time, energy and creativity. Share this with your family, and encourage them to keep one for themselves. My best gift this Christmas? My nose-in-the-books, non-working, college freshman son (translate no money for gifts) gave me an artfully-created gift certificate for his time and muscle performing spring planting and mulching for my landscape renovation project! I'm happy!)

I encourage you to be creative in your approach, offer several options, share "wish lists," involve the family in creating a celebration that's meaningful to all of you, and, by all means, speak up and model the behavior you want to see reflected in all your children.

May you and yours have many blessings in the coming year!

C. McKenzie
Certified Professional Organizer
Mom, step-parent, joyful giver of gifts

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Dear C.,

I read a few of the notes from other people who responded before I wrote this to you. First of all, I would like to say that I don't think you are being selfish or anything along that line. And yes, we should all be glad for what we have and that people remember us BUT.................... I UNDERSTAND how you feel. It hurts and you can not help the fact that this hurts you.
I have been in similar situations, except it was my kids that I felt got overlooked or not thought enough of.
Talk to your HUSBAND about this. Even though your stepdaughters are old enough to go shopping alone - it would be great if your husband could give them some helpful hints.
The Christmas spirit starts in people's hearts and your stepdaughters need to realize this too. Giving gifts that are less thoughtful, torn, etc is not okay and YOUR HUBBY needs to tell your stepdaughters that.
I hope the rest of your holiday was better for you.
A.

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I would consider the age of the kids. They are at a very self-absorbed age. I would just be as happy and grateful as you can be and continue to love them. As they get older and realize that they don't know everything and there is a world beyond the end of their nose they will be grateful for your steady consistent love that was not based on materialism.

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There are reasons your DH's ex is an ex.

Consider that, and consider with whom your stepchildren spend most of their time.

The insult isn't coming from the kids. It's coming from their mother, who isn't modeling gracious behavior.

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I know it's difficult to stomache, but it's pretty much the teenage/step kid thing. My husband's kids, now 20 and 18, have thought of me only sporadically over the years. Last year they bought their Dad a tee shirt and said "Oh, we left the other presents at home....." meaning me and our (my husband and my)kids. Oh course nothing was ever delivered so as usual they were just lying to cover their asses.....Their total lack of respect of others as well is a result of their mother who's a total head case. Doesn't help, but just realize that hopefully someday they'll be respectful, responsible adults....

hi C.,
it just sucks that you are hurting. this is not right. i don't know that it's the materialistic mama's doing (it doesn't sound as if she's taking the girls shopping) but they are certainly not putting much thought or effort into this. now, this may not be anything more than teenage thoughtlessness, so unless they're being nasty to you, don't attribute any more to it.
i would be very calm, and very firm. let them know that you would like to return their gifts, and next time be pretty specific about what you'd like. 'rosebushes are on sale at the local nursery. i'd like two please.' their reaction to that will give you a better idea of just how thoughtless they REALLY are.
your dh is the one most in need of a kick in the kneecap, methinks.
khairete
S.

Aren't we all cutting back this year? I think you might be reading into it a bit too much. My family did all homemade gifts this year and we usually make a pretty big deal out of christmas.

I think that maybe it is time that the children do their own shopping. I always bought my own parents gifts from the time I turned 12. They should be able to earn money either by a job or from doing chores throughout the year for the privilege of buying their loved ones gifts(their mother included). You didn't mention if Mom has them buy anything for dad. I would reciprocate the same if so.
I think also receiving a forced gift is not worth the pain you feel. I would tell the children next year that no gift is necassary. No expectations = no hurt(hopefully). You should get gifts from your own little ones, bought with daddys help of course.

I've discovered that the only person you can control is yourself. Keep doing what you're doing and love those kids as your own. They'll see in eventually.

Oh, and just a little plug for Wegmans - I shop there because most of the prices are cheaper than Safeway or Giant (milk is over $1 cheaper per gallon!) Plus, their produce is fabulous. So if you don't get caught up in all the expensive prepared foods, you'll save a lot of money. You should try it :)

I would say it depends on who spent the money. If the kids spent their own money than getting a sweater is like getting gold. Did your husband not take them this year? There are a lot of things to consider before you can really decide how to feel. If it was your husband, than what the h--- is wrong with him. Was he concerned about money? Their mother shouldn't be buying gifts for you so I am assuming it was their father again. You should probably talk to him about it. Also, it makes a big difference if they are boys or girls. Boys at that age just hate to shop and don't mean anything personal by their gift choices, it is just a reflection of their feelings about shopping.

I feel for you...however you can't change them or the way they were raised. my worst Christmas present from my Stepdaughter was a Clearance Candle from the Dollar Store...tag still on it. however she is now going off to college and some of the best presents I get are helping her father develop a GREAT bond with her and making sure they spend plenty of QUALITY time together...with or without me and the conversations we share ( short but sweet) about boys, college, school etc. in time you will have 2 grown adults that will look back and see what they have been missin' ....just continue to show unconditional love.

Hi C.. I sympothize with you. I have grown step kids too and with the help of their mother from the very beginning of just dating my husband, I don't have a GOOD relationship with them and now they're 23 and 22. Because I know from experience what step kids are capable of, it sounds that they bought you something just for the sake of buying something. Don't get me wrong TJ Maxx is not a bad store for gifts, but I guarantee you that if they bought the ex, their mom, something, they inspected it for defects just as they would for themselves. So it's no excuse for someone to tell you it's the thought that count because it's clear that NO thought was put into it or be grateful that you got something. I've been married for 10 long years to my husband and I've only received one gift 2 or 3 years ago from them and it was a $20 gift card to Vicky's Secret. I was surprised that I got that and was offended at the same time. I don't like giving cash or gift cards because I like to put thought into what I give people. I used the gift card and added to it but as for you, I would exchange them for something that I truly wanted and liked out of the store. I'm sure they won't even notice that you never where it and if they do ask about them later, just let them know that the sweaters were defected beyond wear and that you exchanged them for something else. Be glad that they do at least spend time with the extended family and hopefully they don't treat their younger siblings with disrespect.

C.,

I feel your pain, while Christmas is not about the gifts, it is about the love of family. It seems as if your step children are old enough to shop for you on their own. I would suggest that you share your feelings with your husband, and he should address it with the children. You should not, I am in the same boat with you. My step children call me the Troll! Their children will not talk to me, because of what my husbands ex has told them. I just smile and treat them with all the love I treat my own children. If your husband will not address the situation then you have a problem. I can't tell you what to do then, as that is where I am. I share your pain.

Now this is one of the prime reasons why I don't celebrate Christmas. Nobody is ever happy unless you buy them the best, most expensive gifts. Maybe the kids shopped at TJ Maxx by themselves and thought you would love the sweaters. I'm appalled that you are upset about them not buying you something more expensive. You say they shopped at TJ Maxx like it's the worst possible store they could have gone to. Just realize that a lot of people today didn't get anything for christmas because one or both of their parents lost their job. Don't be so greedy. Think about everything that you have been blessed with before you complain about things you don't have.

As far as Wegmans, I have actually found that most things in that store are the same price or cheaper than they are at other grocery stores. Their produce and meats are well above what you find at most other stores as well.

I know that just about everyone had to cut back this year because times are tough. Perhaps that was the situation. I'm sure the girls meant no harm, perhaps they didn't notice the flaws in the sweaters.

The hardest thing about Christmas shopping is that people end up easily disappointed and feeling "cheated". There is way too much stress and pressure put on who got what from who...which is not the history and the meaning of the season.

C., I'm so sorry for your disappointing Christmas. My message from having been a stepmom and then moving on from that whole experience is that I think the Dad - your husband needs to teach the kids how to treat you. It is HIS responsibility to let the kids know what you would like for Christmas. Afterall - you are doing a REALLY hard job in raising his children that he had with someone else. It can be such a thankless job and spouses need to take the lead in making the life of the stepmom easier. That didn't happen in my case and for many reasons we divorced. While I was a stepmom I often went on a website for advice and support by other steps www.steptogether.org - it really helped in these situations - it helped me manage my own feelings and gave me personal power when I felt powerless being always caught in the middle. I hope you find some peace and a resolution for your feelings. Blessings, S.

I was an apprentice step-mother once (dated a widower who had three children, for three years) and I got enough of the picture to realize that it is a tough, tough job.

I'm now happily married, but my husband is not the most imaginative gift-giver. One year he gave me a pepper mill for my birthday...need I say more? I spent some time feeling rotten about this, and dropping hints, and then feeling rotten some more--and finally I decided that every year I was going to give myself a nice birthday present. It's become a custom now--I take a day just for myself and indulge myself (within my budget, of course) and do not feel the least bit guilty. Maybe you could adapt this for Christmas, since it's unlikely the ex is ever going to be a nice person or that your stepchildren are going to become thoughtful and generous people. Keep on giving to people the way you are--as long as it's truly giving, and not manipulation--but also remember to give to yourself. When you do this, you won't have to feel quite so bad about missing out. And when other people see you treating yourself like a worthwhile person, who knows? They may realize that you are. P.S. It's NOT greedy to want a nice gift, and shopping at T J Maxx says plenty when they do the rest of their shopping at Tiffany's. But whatever you do, don't wallow in guilt or hurt feelings. Just start taking better care of yourself.

C., maybe your husband and the kids do not know that you would prefer something a little better. His ex is very vocal about what she wants and has extravagent tastes, maybe that's part of why she is the "ex". But if you gently told him that the quality of the clothes at TJ Maxx is so poor that you cannot wear it, it may help him assist them to do better.

I would definitely give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they could shop for you at a book store, or at another store where the merchandise would be up to par. Try talking to your husband first about this, and then maybe to the kids and tell them of the defects in the sweaters and why you can't wear them. If they want you to wear them, this would definitely change their buying habits to getting something for you that is not so damaged that it is unwearable.

I think that if you received lackluster gifts from your stepkids, it is your husband who needs to step up and ensure that they (or he on their behalf) give you an appropriate gift. I would talk to him about it and not consider what their mother may/may not have purchased. It is HIS job to take care of HIS wife. If he didn't inspect the sweaters, then that was his error. Ask him for the gift receipt and get something you like.

I'm sorry your feelings ended up being hurt. That stinks. I am wondering if your husband could help with this? Maybe you could tell him you're feeling underappreciated and he and the kids could fix you dinner or something. I am not sure you can do too much else about this year's gifts -- although exchanging the sweaters seems like a good idea, I would try to do it quietly -- but you might want to suggest to your husband that he shops with the kids next time, and give him a wish list for you.