Wanting a 4Th Child - Columbia,MD

I"m not in your situation but wanted to offer one thought: A friend of mine admitted she wanted a third child largely because she just loved the baby stage -- loved the cuddling, the caring for them, the way they don't talk back like the older kids, etc. She realized she responded better to the baby stage than to the stresses that come as they get older and walk, talk, fight what you want them to eat, have issues with other kids at preschool....I"m not saying it's your case, but do think perhaps about whether you have, as my friend put it, "baby lust" for that sweet, innocent baby stage again, where a child is totally dependent on you and totally in love with mom, unconditionally. That goes away as they get older and I know some moms miss it horribly. But it's not a reason in itself for having another child. Think about possibly getting more involved (and apologies if you already are) in your three kids' schools and activities -- schools certainly need all the adult help they can get. I know it's not the same as having another child, but if you do think you want to, as you said, "move past this feeling," maybe explore the worlds of your existing kids more if you're not already. Just a thought.

1 mom found this helpful

I'd always wanted 4 kids, too. My husband wasn't sold, but after the birth of our second, I had him pretty convinced about 3. Then, seven weeks after our daughter was born, I found a swollen lymph node that was confirmed as cancer a few weeks later. My diagnosis was the day before my son's second birthday and two days before my 33rd birthday.

My chemo shouldn't have an effect on my fertility, but I go back and forth wondering if I should have more kids. What if the pregnancy caused the cancer? What if it comes back? I'm running out of options as far as treatment is concerned.

I'd like one more as the first 6 months of my daughters life were in a haze, and I still suffer from chemo brain and can't remember a lot of it.

I have two beautiful, healthy, smart children. That should be enough. I also was downsized in May and am making much less in my new position than I was previously. A fourth kid will require different vehicles, different dinner tables, etc. etc. etc.

I don't want to talk you out of it, but I do want to help you recognize the blessings you have with your family currently.

I wish you well in whatever decision you make.

1 mom found this helpful

I had my fourth a year and a half ago. Before I had all of them, I wanted them- like this undying (yet some days I'd think of it more than others) feeling of "I REALLY WANT ANOTHER!" Sure enough, we had her.

Unlike all the other girls, With her I almost IMMEDIATELY had a feeling of completeness. Like, "my family is all here". I also had this ecstatic feeling I had never experienced. I posted about it right after I had her on mamasource... I just had to tell everyone how wonderful I felt... and it wasn't just that I had HER, it was that I had ALL of us. Kinda weird and cheesy, I know. But my point is I KNEW, and I still know. Although she is much younger than your third, I don't think I will ever want more. My husband was sure as well, and since has had a vasectomy.

I know that there's a super-tiny chance of getting pregnant again, and hey, that would be okay with me if we did have one more. But, I don't ever want to try for another. We feel right and complete. The urge has vanished.

I understand what you are feeling, and I'm not saying to directly have another child... but as a person who had this feeling with all of her kids, I'll tell you that it does eventually go away... but for me it required one more:) And we are so proud and happy to have her! She's a delight and the very MOST different personality-wise and looks very different as well. We just love her, and also I'll say that having four is easier than three (for me).

Good Luck!

Okay... so below is the post I sent out right after I had my fourth child (so you can get what I mean)...

I just had my fourth baby on the 11th of this month... I have always gone "nuts" over the new babies and have ALWAYS loved being a M., etc... But this time it is different. I'm not quite sure how to accurately describe it but I'll try my best.

After having this darling baby I have been in SOOOO much bliss! I just feel so complete as a family now and as a person myself. There's this wonderful sense of accomplishment as if this IS my main purpose in life, and it has been completed. There's just also a tremendous feeling of relief like "finally we are all here together and now we can do this with the whole family- conquer anything!" I'm extremely happy. I also feel way more confident in my role as a mother. I'm seriously in a M. high:) Just being with my four daughters and husband together creates this awesome "force".

I never expected such a profound feeling as this to happen. I knew of course I'd be super happy to meet the newest one, but this just goes beyond that. I'm such a proud M. and also so proud to be a part of my family. I'll also mention that this is the first time I've been certain that I don't want anymore kids.

I just wanted to share this with all of you moms to just spread the love. I'd also LOVE to hear similar feelings from other moms or also those that strive for certain emotional and psychological connections. It is like no other...

I would pay attention to your gut feelings. In my life, I've found that following them is usually the right thing to do, even if it is difficult. Right now I have one child (11 months). We would like and will have more when she is a little older, even though our finances are very tight. I am one of 6. My parents had 5 kids and didn't have a lot of money at all. (just to give and example, there was even a time that they had to borrow the money I had saved from babysitting to pay the bills) My mom had the feeling like she was to have one more and they had no idea how to do that financially but they followed their heart. So a younger sister was added. I love each of my siblings dearly and couldn't imagine life without them. I grew up not having a lot, which at times was hard, but learned to sacrifice and work hard. I worked hard in school to earn a scholarship to put myself through college, knowing that they couldn't. I wouldn't trade my childhood for anything. It has made me a better person. If you are religious, I would say pray about it, if not I would say really ponder it and pay attention to what your heart is telling you.

Good luck with your decision. You will do what is right for you and your family!

Talk to your husband. If you strongly feel you want another one, find out what he is thinking. You don't indicate your age or whether you financial limitations are temporary.

I agree with the poster who said that if it is just financial, perhaps waiting a bit or changing your spending habits would help.

I have 2 kids and so many people assume I am done. I have ALWAYS known that I wanted 3 kids (4 is fine too, but obviously 3 comes first). Further, I know bunches of older friends with 3 kids who now regret that they didn't have #4.

Good luck.

the fact that you have no one to talk to is a huge red flag for me, hon. there is a very important person that you should be talking to about it, way above and beyond discussing it here. if he's not on board with it, then you should definitely be focusing on appreciating having three wonderful healthy kids and figuring out how to be okay with that. if he is okay with it and it's a strictly financial decision, then figuring out how to cut costs is your challenge. it is not a must that parents pay for college and weddings. if you cannot afford to send your child to college, then do what you can to help, starting with living at home and helping out however you can. student loans are not the end of the world, and a far better investment than credit cards. but i agree with the gentle common sense that has already been offered to you......even if you have a dozen kids, at some point you have to face the fact that *this* baby is the last one and you're not going to go through the pregnancy/tiny baby thing again. if that's a stage you love, the mourning for it will simply be postponed, not eliminated. and diving into life with older kids is SO wonderful. we all miss the baby phases, but some of us actually adore teenagers and love that phase most of all (it is NOT inevitable that they become surly and unpleasant, i suspect that often happens because parents are so busy mourning that they're not babies any more!)
good luck with whatever decision you make.
khairete
S.

All I can say is that I know how you feel. I would love 3 or 4 children (I have 2).

The logical part of me knows that financially it is wise to not grow our family. Not even because we are struggling but because there are things I want to do, like travel and pay for private school, which would be impossible with a third. I also know that my age is a good reason to stop - I don't want to work forever to pay for college educations and weddings. And I want to move beyond the baby stage where we can start experienceing new things as a family. I also feat for having an abnormal pregnancy or difficulty conceiving because of my age. I went throught some difficulties at 34 last time and worry about the risks and stresses of being pregnant at 37 or older.

But the rest of me says if money and health weren't concerns, I would have a dozen kids. I love being a mom.

For right now, I am living with the idea that we are done - my youngest is almost two and I am certainly not ready for another one yet. I feel that I might be wanting a child more for and all the fun and attention that comes with a pregnancy and birth than because of only the addition to the family. Being "done" means tha ta special part of my life is over and tha tmakes me feel sad and rather old :) And I guess I feel like that is not the right reasons for having a child. I mean, one of these kids will be the last kid anyway, and I will hav eto deal with those feelings then anyway.

But I am not settled wiht that decision. I am going to "sit with it" for awhile. Then maybe I will sit with the idea of trying to get pregnant again.

I know people say that you will never regret having a child, but you might regret not having one. I think I need to live with the fact that there are things I might have done differently to make this easier - started a family sooner, saved more money, made different job/education choices, etc. But I have to make decisions based on right now and what is best going forward.

I know this probably doesn't help you make a decision, but at least I hope you know that you aren't the only one with such feelings. This is how I have chosen to proceed for now.

Have you strained the budget enough with 3 kids, or is there any way you can budget with your husband to afford the 4th? Think about things that you would have to trade off....then see if you and your husband agree and want to make it work - my husband and I waited a long time because we decided we wanted to have some extra money to buy things for the new house....but then I lost my job and got pregnant within 2 weeks of each other and we have still been able to make our income work on one salary even with added cost - but of course we had to limit certain things like movies, eating out, etc, and we are even going to cancel our cable because it's a non-necessity. We also traded in our newer car for a used car...but it's all because we felt like a baby is worth it. It's a lot harder to budget for stuff, but in the end we will be happier with this decision and our baby will keep us entertained and busy enough without having to spend excess amounts of money. However, if you already clip coupons and can't afford to buy extra diapers, then you would have to work something else out, like getting a part time job in the evenings or something - which would be a trade-off as well, less time with baby.....but basically, try to talk to husband about it and see what he says. Good luck!!!!

i work in infant childcare to get my baby fix. it's not going to keep us from wanting our own forever but it helps. maybe if you get a child to watch in your home and save up ou can afford another baby. there are wys to make it work.

While I'd like to have a dozen kids myself, I have to be reasonable about a few things:

a. what can I do for each of the kids that I bring to this world, can I guarantee the same quality of life that I can give if I had only one or two children.

b. Have you put away large enough college savings for the children you already have? If all my kids want to goto college, can I pay off their tuition so they won't be burdened with these costs ?

c. what is the impact to the world/environment ? one more baby means more consumption, contribution to landfills, degradation of the world. One study found that have one extra child contributes 20 times more carbon to the environment than the carbon footprint you can erase if you are a green freak.

d. A child born in the US contributes 200 times more carbon to the environment than a child born in Africa. A fourth child may be ok in Africa since child mortality rates are sky high. But here, its a sin.

I'm sorry in case I hurt any feelings, its just that I feel as strongly about some of these things.

If you sincerely want another child, talk to your husband about it. Understand what you will, and won't be able to do for your other children if you have another child. I am one of five children of a government employee, and I had a very fulfilling life. I learned how to work at a young age, and I would consider that a primary reason for why I am successful now. It's only recently that parents pay for EVERYTHING their children want - a car, the college of their choice, pocket money, etc. Don't get me wrong, I want my children to have a wonderful quality of life, but working like a dog to be able to give them whatever they want isn't my personal definition of what it takes to be a good parent. But if those things are important to you, then definitely don't have another!

And I'm sorry, I have to completely disagree with the person who said having four children is a "sin" in the U.S. That's just plain ridiculous! If you can afford to care for your children, with room for basic savings without depending on public assistance (I'm not condemning people who don't plan on needing help but have to accept it temporarily - let's not be an octomom :), then there's certainly no moral ground to not have another child. If you and your husband have the desire, and can live with the things you'll have to do without, then go ahead.

Little babies sure are cute (I'm pregnant with #3), but I sure look forward to the time we can travel more, not worry about naps, etc. My oldest is 4, and she's at a golden age right now compared to her 2 year old brother. It's possible you may have "forgotten" all those hard things about having really young children, since your youngest is 4! Of course, maybe you remember all too well, but I just thought I'd mention it. I also have to add that the day my youngest child goes to school will be the happiest, and saddest day of my life!

Best of luck to you and your husband in your decision making!

how to get over wanting a forth child...
picture paying for FOUR DIFFERENT COLLEGES
picture going though TEETHING ONE MORE TIME
picture getting pregnant just one more time,
AND GETTING TWINS OR TRIPLETS OUT OF THE DEAL
picture how much money you will be saving by not getting
pregnant again !!
and of course everyones favorite..
picture how resentful your husband or significant other will be if you" ACCIDENTLY" get pregnant again
never have more children then you can afford to support on your own, because you never know what tomorrow could bring
K. h.

You know when you are finished having children and you know when you are not. It's really true that the urge goes away when you are truly done. I had 3 gorgeous kids too and when they were 10, 15 and 18 my husband asked me what I wanted to do with myself now that the kids were older. My answer was "I want one more". He was persistant with no and I just kept repeating what I wanted and eventually he agreed. My kids are now 5, 16, 22 and 25 and I'm truly done. I don't have that urge anymore or that longing. You never have enough money for another child, but you always find it somehow. Things work out. I was always told that if you wait until you can afford a child you'll never have one. Good luck with whatever you choose and whatever you are blessed to have.

If you strongly feel that your family is not complete, I would not ignore that feeling. I think that in today's society, it is viewed as socially irresponsible to have a large fmaily, which is not necessarily right. I grew up in a family with 6 kids. My dad worked for the gov't, and didn't make a ton of money, and you just make adjustments. When you have more than 2 or 3 kids, paying in entirety for college, cars, etc when they get older, may not be a possibility, and you know that from the start. I worked through High school and College, and put myself through. My parents didn't pay for it, but helped me with money when I needed it. I never expected my parents to pay for college.
Also, it seems to me that adding a 4th may or may not be a huge financial strain. Make sure you don't do it unless you have good insurance, and then the dr bill portion isn't an issue. Do you already have a large enough car? Do you already have carseats that work? What about clothes? Most things that you need can be found cheaply at yard sales, or free on freecycle. You CAN do a child on a budget. You just have to think which is more important to you- giving you child name brand, new items, or adding a fourth life to your family.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

I think it's a decision only you and your husband can make. If you just suddenly turned up pregnant I think your husband might be a bit angry and resentful about it. I also think you're feeling a bit of empty nest depression because your youngest will be going to school in the fall. Our babies don't stay babies forever. You'll be surprised how much your day can be filled if you really get involved with school activities or you could be a lunch room monitor and still be home by the time your kids come home from school. If you enjoy being pregnant, could you be a surrogate mom for some couple who can't have kids any other way? I'd be too possessive towards any infant I gave birth to, so that would not work for everybody. Try to let go of your jealousy. It blinds you to the blessing you already have.

As the 4th of 4 children I say the 4th time is the charm! Ha ha. I have 2 and couldn't imagine wanting to go through the baby years again. I couldn't wait to be done with it. But the fact that you actually want to and are dwelling on it means it is something you should consider. Talk to your husband - it's something you have to decide together.

What about becoming a foster parent? Its sort of the best of both worlds. You get to help a child that needs a loving family, your family is bigger, and the state will provide a monthly allowance for the child's care.

My friend has 3 of her own, and is a foster parent. Christmas 2008 they were lucky enough to adopt the long-time foster child they had been caring for. This year, they've been able to provide a temporary home for several children.

We are trying for our fourth child right now...our youngest is allmost 2.We have always talked about having six but when my two boys came along I said enough.LOL....Then we had a thought maybe I was preg. and I wasnt but in the meantime we got excited! So then I really wanted one more. As far as bugeting for kids....my opinion is if ya wait till ya have enough money you will never have a kid..lol. My husband works very hard to keep us afloat and we make it...God Willing! Good luck! If ya ever wanna chat just message me...i would love it!