Wanting a 4Th but Not Husband

It seems to me if he definitly doesn't want more kids he should be willing to get the vasectomy. It really is easy and not a big deal according to my friends' husbands. He needs to step up to that at least, especially if he has an anxiety disorder. Doesn't he worry about the potential for an accident??
M.

Which country are you moving to? We have a nanny and a housekeeper when we moved out of country but had to go into debt to get here.

C.,
When it comes to kids, I take the 'let go and let GOD' approach. I don't think talking or tricking a spouse into a pregnancy is good, because the spouse will on some level carry an 'i told you so' or 'you're the one that wanted this baby' mentality everytime something stressful comes up. Talk to your husband. Let him know your desire to have another child. The fact that no birth control is being used is a step in your favor. Then when you do get pregnant, you can use the well, if you'd had the operation...
The point is that all kids are wonderful blessings that are equal parts of both of you, and therefore should be wanted by both of you.If you want to have another kid, and you are meant to have another one, you will. With that in mind, enjoy the 3 that you have. You are lucky to have 3.
Just my thoughts.
M.

Did you say you were moving out the country? Or did you mean "out to the country"? Im confused :)

Also with more babies is more money.. you are already staying home to be with your kids. How is your financial situation? You said you had to move because of being able to afford it in order to stay home with your kids. Can you afford a 4th kid or will it make you scrape by even more? Thats no fun... The 3 kids you have deserve to be able to do fun things and get new toys occassionally..

Id say that you are right- u have 3 kids who are healthy.. your chances of having unhealthy babies goes up for each year over the age of 35.

If you already talked your husband into the 3rd baby and he is very against a 4th- I wouldnt push it. He may end up resenting you or the 4th kid or all the kids. Both parents have to be on board when considering a baby. Its not fair to push him into a 4th or even "opps" him into a 4th. You should be using some sort of birth control, youre a big girl- you know what might happen! He might end up being angry with you, and it seems you have a very happy family right now. Dont risk it.

Thats just my opinion. Be grateful and happy for the babies/family you have.

Dear C.,
I can see hear your heart for wanting one more! My children are older now, but I can so identify with you in your recognition of being a mom making your heart sing!
Well, a couple of thoughts come to mind....
...first of all, you and your husband should
definitely be on the same page about this.
Otherwise, it could drive a wedge in your
relationship. If you are of faith, I would
suggest prayer, asking for the two of you
to agree!
...secondly, if you are moving out of the country
in order for you to stay being home with
your children, that may well put additional
stresses on your family. Have you considered
an Home-Based business? I have been working
the same home-based business for 7 1/2 years
and loving it! I also make a sizeable income
for only a few hours a week and it's needed
by everyone! Let me know if you want more
information!
...thirdly, since your husband does have an anxiety
disorder, he may well be telling you that he
has reached his limit in terms of responsi-
bilities. I do have something I can offer
him that has the potential of helping him
with that anxiety. Let me know if you want
to learn more.
May you and your husband reach a joyous conclusion!
Sincerely,
J. F.

C.:

Hello! I don't think your desires are selfish - just make a list of pros and cons about having a 4th child. Ask yourself WHY you want another and your husband doesn't?

Are you able to give each child the love and attention they deserve?

Putting aside his anxiety disorder aside - what's his real reason for saying no to another?

Why do you want another? Is it because if you don't you would have to give the baby things away? Have you thought of opening an in-home daycare as a compromise on your desire for having more kids versus husband saying no - also opening an in-home day care could bring in the extra money you would need in your family.

I hope it all works out for you! Keep us informed!

Take care!
If you are moving out of the country (depending upon where you are going) it might not be as affordable as you think. Right now the dollar is low, making other countries more expensive than they have been in the past. Language can also be an impediment (although GREAT experience for kids!)

Kids are expensive. You and your husband should agree on the number to raise. You can always do foster care and get paid for it. We had two children. I wanted more but my husband did not. since he wanted me to stay home with the children and he was paying the bills, I felt I should respect his wishes. It turned out for the best. Does this Bible verse apply to you? "Be content with what you have." Heb.13:5 AF

I, too sometimes feel I'm not ready to throw in the towel, (I'm 39 and have a 7yr old and 11mo old), but think of the strain more children may put on your marriage if your husband is not 100% in agreement. He may end up resenting you and/or your next child. In addition to his anxiety disorder, you could really be setting you and the children you have up for a disaster.

I'm sentimental and have a hard time letting go of the baby things, too...but then I tell myself that they are things...so I'm learning to let go and keep very little. I loved being preganant and have loved every minute of my girls' ages and stages, but also, being 39, begin looking foward to what is in store ahead for me and my family....retirement, college, weddings, time with my husband. As it is, I don't want to be mistaken for Grandma at my youngest ones' HS graduation!

But seriously...give careful consideration to what you are doing, get on birth control until you guys reach a firm decision. (you may not be having sex often, but in only takes one time!) An IUD is a great contraceptive method (no pill to remember, no hormones, easily put in and taken out...lasts for 5-10 yers). Good luck

Hi C.!
This is very hard, I am sure. I just want to share with you the situation with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. He only wanted 2 and she wanted 4. Now they have 4. The children are wonderful - but I do think that he is having a hard time with it. NOw that they're getting older I'm sure things are getting better - but he really cannot sleep much at all and I think is under and incredible amount of stress. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear - but just thought I'd give you that info. Good luck to you!
J.

Dearest C. ~

I have an anxiety disorder and I can tell you, that even with medication, it is difficult to cope sometimes. You are giving up your job, so the burden of finances comes down on your husband. The economy is taking turns for the worse, even in other countries, as what happens here affects the rest of the world. It's stressful to raise children even under the best of circumstances. How much more stress and anxiety do you want to put on someone you love? I would think that you would want to LIGHTEN his load, not increase it.

He might be saying no to a vasectomy, for fear of your disappointment or disapproval. Let him know you understand him not wanting to have another child and that you care about HIM and HIS health and wellbeing. Count your blessings that you have 3 healthy children that you can love and raise alongside your HEALTHY husband. As far as getting rid of baby clothes. Do you know how many children are in need out in the world? Put some very special items in storage for keepsakes and then give the rest to Goodwill or donate them to a shelter for homeless/abused women. If you need the money, sell them in a yard sale or on e-Bay. When I sold some of my daughter's clothes on e-Bay, I sent a picture of her wearing the outfits to the buyer. They LOVED it! Again, count your blessings that you have something to give to those less fortunate.

As far as birth control, perhaps your husband could use a condom. There are more ways of birth control than just the pill or vasectomy. He may change his mind about the vascetomy once you start to give him more support. People with anxiety disorders have a hard time with decisions, for fear of making the wrong ones. Give him all the support and understanding you can. As far as you fearing you may be feeling selfish - you feel what you feel. It's what we DO about our feelings that count in this world. There is nothing wrong with sacrifice - that's what people do for those we love. Your husband made a sacrifice when he succumbed to the third child - it's your turn now! I wish you all the best! ~ K.

My situation is a little different= I'm happy with three but my husband wants the fourth. I like the idea of four but it doesn't seem like a responsible decision. I have the Anxiety disorder, but I'm working at home with the children and he has to go to an office 40+ hours a week. I'm working with a professional psychiatrist about my anxiety and he thinks I have too much on my plate right now. I disagree, I think a fourth would be a lovely balance for me and my family, but my age, our finances, our current state of affairs all point to "stop" it's not logical.
I suggest you share each of your dreams and goals for the next 25 years (you'll be 66), and tell them as if there were three children, and as if there were four children (just so you mention the common differences - e.g. do you need to get a different car? Would you want friends/ family to travel with you and would they need their own transportation? Is the house ready for one more? What time and $ would be spent with six in the house? (including you and your husband). How much time are you and your husband getting to foster the intimate support you committed to in marriage for yourselves? Will a fourth put something off that was a really special idea? How will your mind address the family if you stay 3 children? Will it haunt you, build slow, quiet resentment the next time you and your husband need to make a major life decision?
Hope this helps. Good luck with the sharing.
With regards to your thoughts and desires being "selfish". What is your definition of selfish? You are doing what you love to do, and it's even more wonderful with the children! Of course it make sense to want to share this with another child, not a problem. What will change the children's lives that you can't control? Will their father be less secure? Will you be a rescuer inadvertently showing the children that fatherhood doesn't handle the really big stuff, mom's do that? What other subtle messages will get portrayed? Will this help our future generations? What about the improved parenting skills a fourth would reap? That's gotta be a + for the future. Will the YOU be present for your children or will that part be given up to just be there for THEM? If YOU can still be who 'you want to be' for your husband, yourself, your current children and they can be who THEY want to be for themselves and the family...it doesn't seem selfish to me. And for any of them NOT to want more, isn't selfish either... thanks for letting me share.

Seems like a lot of changes all at the same time. If your husband does not want any more children then he should have a vasectomy. If he has anxiety disorder, you already have three children, you're moving so you can afford to stay home with the children you have, and you say sex doesn't happen often with 3 kids...a fourth child does sound selfish. Love the children you have and spend more time with your husband. If he refuses a vasectomy ask him if he really wants another child, if he doesn't than it is up to him to get fixed or continue playing russian roulette. My husband had one at 34 it was not a big deal. He was a little uncomfortable (and played it up)...but he only had ONE STITCH. After the birth of our second my doctor stitched for 45 minutes! Talk it over and really look at WHY you do and he doesn't want more. Good Luck.

Good Morning C.,

I know what it is like to feel like your family is somehow not yet complete. After our third was born, I ended up cancelling my husbands vasectomy...TWICE! The thing that is very different though is that my husband and I were on the same page about the decision. In my opinion, when it comes to having more children a "no" always overrides a yes. It is not fair to the unborn child not to be wanted from the beginning. I think it is not a good plan to not be on birth control, even though it is you that wants more children. I am sure you would rather have a happy family life than a bigger family that could end up not be as happy in the end....To answer your question about being selfish, I don't see how wanting to give life could be considered "selfish", under your circumstance though, I do think it would be irresponsible. Currently, not being on birth control, you are gamble with your families well being. Is that a risk worth taking?

You said you are moving to the country to be able to afford to stay home. If you would consider working from home I have a No inventory investment, no packing, no delivery, opportunity I would love to share with you! I represent a VERY generous jewelry company that treats their work force like family. We can easily earn 2 all inclusive vacations a year. The trip coming up in September is at Atlantis on Paradise Island in the Bahamas in April it was to Rome! Plus, we can earn car bonuses, designer outfits, everything we need for the business, and of course-jewelery to include diamonds and other genuine gem stones! Most of all you can keep your family life your priority. I just went camping this weekend, then had a roller skating party all Sunday afternoon! For me the flexibility is PRICELESS! If you like, you can contact me through my website www.jewelsbyparklane.com/tgreenwood I am also giving $100.00 in jewelery credit for any referrals that qualify as directors till the 28Th of this month.

I hope you will consider my point of view about the birth control. You need to be in control of your life, leaving it to chance is far TOO risky!
May your family be blessed with peace.
T.

I can truly understand the desire to wanting one more baby. I too, would love to have a third, but unlike your situation- my husband says yes, and I can't get out of my mind that it isn't the best for our family- no matter how much I really want one. Even though you want one, and maybe in your mind it will make things so much better, or more complete...the question you have to ask is if it is what is best for your family as a whole. For the children you already have, for your husband. In just what you have explained in your question, its sounds like the answer to that, at least at this point in time...is probably no. I know this may sound silly, but when I had the strong desire for a third, but felt it wasn't right for us, we got a puppy. They are HARD work!! I believe, comparable to an extent to that of a baby. I eventually found myself thinking...and I wanted another baby! Like others said, maybe you can find another outlet or another way to fill that void that you feel. I also think that once you get to stay at home, and spend more time with your children, that will help. Now that my girls are growing up, getting older...it is so fun to be with them, and spend time with them. Good luck in your decision making!
K.

Hi C.,

Here is a web site: http://whatdoeswomanwant.wordpress.com/

Hope this helps. D.

C.,

When making important, yet difficult decisions, I always try to see it 10 years into the future. I am also a fan of larger families, given our life styles and distances from relatives, so I understand your desire to "continue", but keep your husband's anxiety disorder in mind. . .perhaps wait till the move is over, all has settled and then revisit the idea.

Good luck, S.

If you can get your husband on board, I think you should go for it. Your kids are still young. You're still in the baby mode (way of life). And you're getting ready to be a SAHM. It's sounds like a good set up for another little one to be added to your family.

My mother-in-law has 7 kids. She had her last one when she was 45 with no complications. She runs circles around all of us and is the best mom to her kids. Age didn't make a difference for her.

I know a lot of people on this message board will probably focus on the cons of having another baby, but I believe there are lots of pros to adding a baby into your family too. Good luck!

C.: You are getting great suggestions on this issue. I can second the lady that got the puppy to quiet the need for another tender little creature in the house. It worked for my sister when she wanted her 3rd. What I want to address is your husband being pretty adament about not having another child - but not being willing to have a vasectomy. My only child was a blessed surprise when I was 42 - THRILLED that I could even get pregnant. Of course I wanted another but vasilated because of my age. I would have been thrilled again with another pregnancy - but the risks were always on my mind. My husband is almost 10 years younger and this his only child too. HE was certain that he only wanted 1 child (personally he feels very fatiqued with our active little boy and wants to put his focus on just the 1) So since I was on the fence and he was sure, eventhough he had previously been adament about NO vasectomy. He conceded after recounting what I had gone through during pregnancy and birth and felt it only fair that he have the procedure. He had all the alpha male concerns that most men do. And as is typical - there was little dicomfort and no side effects or loss of performance. It's actually better now bcuz we have no concerns at all about another little surprise. And looking back - I really didn't want to have my 2nd child nearing 50. Our son is 2 1/2 and we are having a great time. Have your hubby read about it - talk to guy friends - the big V is really no big deal!! My husband is glad to have taken the responsibility when we agreed on our family's size and now it's all behind him!!

I don't have any answers on this one, but I do think its great that you're so into your kids :-) More people need to value their kids more, enjoy them. That part makes me happy :-)

You know in your heart whether you want more children or not. And honestly if a 4th does come, I guarantee your husband won't love that baby any less. God has a plan for everyone and if a 4th is meant to be it will be. Pray and then if you close your mind long enough you will hear God answer. Good luck to you.

You should work towards getting to a place of contentment with the 3 you already have. If your husband is not in agreement, don't do it so that resentment doesn't build and your marriage is affected. I get a little bothered, even though I shouldn't with people who already have plenty yet want more. If you can't get rid of the baby things, keep it, but don't add another baby to satisfy something in you. You may have to seek fullfillment elsewhere. I'm unable to have children. We adopted. I had to work hard to get to a place to accept it, and not let it destroy my well-being and marriage.

"He has an anxiety disorder." "It was hard talking him into the third." Speaking as an outside observer, I see some serious red flags there. You have three great children and are making a move that I figure is designed not only to let you stay home with them (which is a blessing that not all families can manage so you are lucky you're going to manage it) but also to maybe ease some stress on your husband--? Even if you're staying home with the kids, won't a fourth child add stress for him no matter what, especially if he was ambivalent about having another child to begin with? It seems to me that if ever there's a joint decision that one person in couple can't make alone, this is it--especially where one partner has a lifetime issue to control like an anxiety disorder. Enjoy your terrific move, enjoy getting the kids used to their new environment and helping them (and yourself) forge new friendships in your new area. Good luck with the move.

i think you need to sit down with him and ask him why he doesnt want another. mine doesnt have a reason so i only half listen to him but if he really has worries then you can work through those first or maybe you will come to understnd and agree with him that it's now time to stop. where are you moving to that's cheaper and hubby is garanteed a job?

Your husband seems open on some level since you are neither one using birth control. I would suggest continuing to talk about it--not nag. Maybe you just need to agree that if another baby is meant to be at this stage of the game it will happen. I have 6 and can tell you there is almost no difference in chaos level going from 3 to 4 and in some ways it is easier because your older children can help with a lot of little things.

Do not press the issue if he who will support you doesn't want any more children. It is a big stress + anxiety =disaster.
Ask him to think about the vasectomy again (15 minutes procedure) to show you that he is serious about not having any more children.
My husband did not want any children, we have 2 girls and he is crazy about them, but when something goes wrong or finances are tough, he always reminds me that it was my idea. He asked for vasectomy when I was 8 months pregnant with my second girl.
Good luck
S.

Just like puppies and kittens, little kids are cute, but they grow up to be dogs and cats and teenagers and their not so cute anymore and they bark and meow and yell a lot louder. Take it from a mom with four teenagers 14, 15, 17, and 19.

On a more Serious note, pray about it. God will answer your prayers and if it was meant to be you and your husband will know.

I have one son (my oldest) and three daughters. For a while I thought maybe I would like a 5th child, a boy to be exact. I talked it over with my husband and he felt like he just couldn't handle anymore kids. We prayed about it and I felt okay either way so I let my husband decide. God has given me four healthy children and wonderfully supportive husband, I have no regrets about not having another child.

And although I joked in the beginning about teenagers, on a more serious note. . . I have really good teenagers, they are all active in church, school and after school activities. They don't drink, smoke, do drugs or get into any trouble, but they are much more difficult than little ones!!!! They are strong willed, talk back, yell at you and generally give you a hard time all the time. I'm 45 years old doing this and find it difficult. I have a friend who is ten years older than me raising three teenagers. Ten years makes a huge difference!! It's the difference between being periomenapausal and menapausal. She has hot flashes, very emotional, explosive and exhausted most of the time.

We love our kids and the one thing we both agree on is that it would be so much more difficult to do this alone without a husband. Children strain a relationship when they are young and even more so when they are teenagers. So, respecting your husbands feelings is really important. It may make all the difference in the long run. The kids will eventually grow up and leave home and hopefully you will still have a loving husband by your side when they do.
Hope this helps a little and good luck with your decision.

I can totally understand that maternal yearning! I wanted a sixth baby for a long time but he was reluctant and the desire was so intense that I even thought about some underhanded ways like piercing the condom.
As the five kids got older and hit the teenage years, I found myself dealing with four teens and one preteen and the whole phase was nerve wracking (might have been different if only one or two at a time). We even moved to the country with the three girls (the boys were 18 and older by then)for a quality of life from the city influence but some things just happen anyway.
I'm 47, my youngest is 17 and I'm a grandmother of 6 grandchildren, 2 stepgrandchildren and grandbaby #7 is due in Aug. The teenager phase nearly sucked the life out of me! Now that most of them are out of it, they are all wonderful adults. The last one is easy because she's alone. That was a difficult phase and the desire for a sixth baby was squashed during that time. My husband of 25 years and I are now looking forward to our gradual independence and we are totally enjoying the grandparent phase. Life really does have a way of working out great.

Enjoy your wonderful Blessings.
D.

My mom was pregnant at 40, but lost the baby. My father, even though sad about the loss, said to my mom, "Maybe 40 isn't too old to have a baby, but 42 is too old to have a 2 year old." I'm sure the desire for another is strong, but I think you should go with your husband on this, especially if you will be giving up your job to stay at home. Another baby may have to put you back to work. I also think once you are at home all day with the kids, You'll enjoy focusing on them, and it will be enough.

Hi C.,

I am S., I have two kids, 6 and 2. I totally understand your dilemma, I can't give away our baby stuff either, I can't get over the urge to have a 3rd baby. I go back and forth, yes/, yes/no all the time. But at 43 I wonder if its 'right' to have a 3rd. I don't have any real wisdom but just 'feel your pain'. Good luck!