Want to Be the Best Step Mom I Can Be Without Stepping on Any Toes.

A.,

I work in family law in addition I am a mom and my children have a step mom. It was a bumpy road at first because she thought it gave her the right to control a situation that did not need to be. My ex and I had a good relationship when it came to the kids and we had become friends. She got invovled and i resented her for trying to mother my children and getting between mine and my ex's relationship. My ex and I had agreed to get along for the children's sake and we had until this point. I refused to let her do this and it caused a lot of tension between the 2 households until she realized it was his responsibility. One thing I can say is make him be the one to talk with her unless you and her have a relationship to where you can. The step mom and I do get along now to where we can talk, but it took a lot of work. You will be the one to kiss their bobo's, read them stories, and give them additional love when they are there, but everything else is his responsibility when it comes to the ex. Do not tell them to call you mommy, because I can tell you that will not go over well with the mother. It sounds like you are doing all you can as it is and that your soon to be step children adore you. Just try not to make them feel like they have to choose. If she tries to make them just be reassuring that they do not have to.

As for your wedding congradulations. My fiance and I are getting married in August. When you have your reception are you wearing your dress? If so I would suggest that when you have your reception buy her a beautiful gown and a tiara. Maybe buy her a necklas an present it to her at the reception. Make her feel like she is part of the planning of the reception.

Good Luck.

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Let the kids lead you. My husband and I were foster parents for many years and when we started, I had alot of the same uncertaintys you have. I always let them lead me. So did my husband. They were taught in a loving, gentle, patient, yet firm and considerate way what the rules and boundaries of our house were. They were told our names and what we were to them and were given the choice as to what to call us either Nana K., mom K., just K., etc. Many times they called us Mom and Dad because we had children of our own that did. But we tried to make sure they understood who their "mom" really was. It's important for your husband to be to be supportive of you and your role and to help you know how he is comfortable with you treating the children. You must both agree on discipline and not allow the children to play you against one another. Trust and respect need to be earned and in time, if you are both a team in parenting and in your marriage, the children will fall into a comfortable routine and relationship with you. Good Luck and Congratulations on your marriage! K.

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If you care about your step children as much as you do, their mom should be so thankful! I think you would break Maddie's heart if she didn't get to be in the wedding. I have a 4 year old, so I know how sensitive little girls can be. She wants to be her Daddy's little princess, and I don't think you should just get hitched to make it easier on her mom. If it's a money issue, then I'd understand. But you can still do a rather affordable ceremony and reception (especially if you had a pot luck type reception). I haven't been in your particular situation, but I think their mom is the least of your worries. Just be a good step mom and treat them as your own, the kids are all that matters! Have a wedding!! You don't have to invite their mom! LOL Good luck!

K.

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Hello A.,
I am an "almost' stepmom and it's hard. I am 29 now but I met my man (Mike) and his kids when I was 19 and the boys were 5 and 2. The most important piece of advice I can give you is to not stress out. Being an important influence on lil' kids when you yourself dont have any is difficult and I caught myself second guessing everything. We had a lot of problems with the real mom and still do..she hates Mike and they do not communicate! Just remember that she is the mom and try to put yourself in her shoes when making decisions. Just love them and everything will work itself out. I am sure your going to make a wonderful stepmom.

I have had expierence with everything you can think of regarding "sharing" kids so feel free to ask anything.

I would think a little about what a wedding means to you and what it might mean to her. Personally I think the ceremony is a big deal (and I'm not religious) but it's the form of creating a new family. If you want her to feel part of the family then I think you should include her in the ceremony, or at least let her witness it. Not as a replacement for her other family but an augmentation.

The other side is if you're avoiding the ceremony but planning a big reception because you're worried about being too stressed out you're not going to avoid much stress, the reception has more complications than the ceremony. If I were you, I would talk with your fiance and think about what you both really want in both ceremony and reception that will meet the needs of family and you and not stress you out entirely. Wedding in vegas won't make it all easier, it'll make some things easier and some harder. My favorite weddings have been homegrown affairs with everyone helping make the wedding happen without big fanciness but everyone included.

I hope this is helpful and answers your question.

It is good to hear that you love your step children that much, If this is truly how you feel, the mom is lucky to have you in her children's lives.
I have a stepson, and my son has a stepmom, and my other ex had a great girlfriend who would have made a GREAT stepmom so if you have any specific questions-feel free to ask!

I think what you are doing is just fine. It sounds like the children have already excepted you and that is what matters. Now just be their friend and be there for them. You cannot replace their mother but you are now in a role where you kind of have to play it on a part time basis but can be a friend as well. They still need to respect your rules under your roof and not step over bounds. I say amen to the marriage on Vegas. A reception sounds like a great idea and fun too.
GOOD LUCK!

Hi A.~

This is my advise coming from the mom's point of view...my kids have a NEW step mom and she is all about them calling her mom and sending notes to them behind my back at school saying she loves and misses them. It makes me sick to see it and even thou my kids are only 9 and 4 they are catching on. Even thou it might be true it is extreme and comes off being fake. Just be her friend and let her know you will ALWAYS be there for her. And then show her, maybe take her to have a pedicure...or go shopping for a new pair of earings....something simple. And maybe you can open a line of communication with her mom,like email.

As for the wedding even thou you are going to vegas you can make her feel spcial at the recaption. Buy her a crown or a pretty new dress to wear, that way she will still feel special. Maybe even have a picture take of just the two of you that she can put in her room at your house....

I wish you luck...being the "EVIL" (LOL) step mom sounds hard.

I don't understand about the wedding and why your step-daughter can't be a part of it. It is her father who is getting married. I've been to weddings where the children of one of the couple attended or were part of the wedding.

Is her mother refusing to let her be a part of it? If so I think her father should insist that she be there.

If it's because you won't be able to supervise then ask someone that you trust to be responsible for her.

It sounds to me like you and your fiance' are letting his ex decide how you will do your wedding. You should have the kind of wedding that you want to have and not go to Vegas to avoid stepping on birth mom's toes. If you start out letting his ex control the kind of wedding you have then she will feel that she has the power to control many aspects of your life.

Why are you worried about stepping on her toes? You will! So what! Your role is to be the step-mother and hers to be the mother. Neither one of you should be telling the other how to live.

Yes, there should be an agreement about some issues, such as how to discipline, maintaining a consistent routine as much as possible, that sort of thing. But you shouldn't have to do anything to make her happy. What you do is what will work for you and the kids.

I am concerned that by being worried about stepping on toes you will not be able to relax and enjoy the children. What their mother thinks of you is not important. The kids will like you based on how you treat them. Yes, if she disapproves life will not run smoothly. The kids will ask you questions and decide for themselves how they feel. You cannot and should not allow concern for her opinion to determine what you do.

Even if you do succeed in meeting her requirements your anxiety will also cause difficulty. The only way to be happy is to be true to yourself. If she dislikes you there is nothing you can do to make her like you.

So, please, have the wedding of your choice and include your fiance's daughter. Expect your fiance' to tell the mother that he wants his daughter there and then to make it happen. Stand firm without anger.

Good luck! and best wishes M.

A.,

First your question is certainly warranted. It can be hard being a stepmommy for the simple fact of not being sure of that line between our role in the parenting and more than our part. I have a step daughter myself and I have learned that although they may not be our biological children we are their parent when they are with us. Parenting I think goes beyond who is mom and who is dad. Its more about teaching, trust, happiness, and sometimes having dissapointments but reassuring them though it. 4 year olds are very resilliant. I think if you just sit down with her and tell her what you are doing and let her know that there will still be a party and let her still wear the dress and the ring and all the other important things. Reassure her that she is still an important part of the family and she is going to be a special part of the celebration also. I think she will understand and as long as she knows that she will still have a role, her little heart will still be filled with excitement. I hope this helps even if just a little. =)