Views on Sibling Spacing

I have 4 kids the first 2 are 2 years apart the next is 4 year later the next was 2 year later. I have found that the ones that are closer in age seem to get along much better that the farther apart. The only difference is the oldest and the youngest are inseparable.

My opinion is, I think closer in age is better because they seem to have a tighter bond and can do more together.

Haha, I have to laugh out loud. Not at you, or your goals to do the best thing as a parent - but just because these are things that we cannot plan.

I don't know if God plays a part in your life or not, but it is obvious that regardless of your beliefs - the miracle and creation of life is not something you can plan.

I would encourage you and your husband to decided whether or not you want another child, period. And if so, have fun! Don't worry about it! There are pros and cons with every degree of age separation.

I can tell you that the most stressful and worst thing that could happen is that you and your husband pick what you think is best, and then your plan goes down the crapper. Then you feel like you've missed the best opportunity, or you feel like you have failed. Don't set goals that are not attainable...

Good luck!

My husband and I just recently had been trying for another but then decided to stop, if I had gotten pregnant my child would have been 5 when the baby arrived. Sure I wanted to have more kids, but with no money and a 2 bedroom house we figured maybe it's not meant to be (besides I am also 39). So at first I felt guilty with him being an only child and then I realized that everyone has a problem with their birth order. Either someone didn't like being the oldest, the middle, the youngest, the only, having no brothers or no sisters. So I say don't worry about it, if you are lucky enough to have another baby go for it, your adorable daughter will adjust and one day will be happy she has a sibling.

Hi B.,

Obviously, everyone's opinions are different. My daughter is almost 5 and my step-daughter is close to 15 and they are very close to each other. I will admit the older one has less tolerance for the little one after awhile, but they love each other very much and it shows when they're together.

If I were going to have a second child of my own, I would have done it once my girl was 3 or older, just so I could devote more quality time to the newborn. Now that my daughter is nearly 5, I actually feel this is a good time to have another one (if I wanted another one) just because she's so independent and wants to do everything by herself. It would give me even more time to devote to a newborn and my daughter would be able to really help out and be a bigger part of the newborn's life. And they still have many years that they could play together before my 5 yo gets too old for that.

Well, good luck with your decision as it's a big one :)

B.

I currently have 4 year old daughter and am almost 3 months pregnant with my second child (due April 2010). My husband and I decided to wait until my daughter was 2 months away from being 4 to try for our second. For most people that might be too large of a gap to have their kids 4 1/2 years apart but for us it is the best decision financially, emotionally, and physically. My daughter has just started preschool this week which allows me some down time to complete errands and doctors appointments. When she starts kindergarten next fall I will have a 5 month old that I will be able to give the same one on one attention to as I did my daughter for a few hours a day. My brother and I are 4 years apart and get along great. My daughter is becoming more and more independent each day and looks forward to helping with her new brother or sister.

The closer they are the harder it is for you when the newborn comes but I think it's better for them. Optimally I think somewhere between 2 and 3 year gap is good. I had twin boys when my older son was 19 months old and it was VERY hard until my oldest turned two because that's when he started becoming a little more rational. On the other hand, they're all very close now and I know they will be as they get older. From what I've seen, kids older than about 3 1/2 years can start to get very used to being the only/youngest kid and lots of jealousy ensues. I was the 4th of 6 but am 4 1/2 years older than the next in line and I was terribly jealous for years.

There are 4 years between my next sister and me and then 16 months between the next sister. (we are currently 36, 32, and 31) My mom said that if she had to do it all over again she prefers closer together than further apart. We took her advice (doesn't happen often!) and our children are 20 months apart. So far so good. My daughter has no memory of her brother not being here and she absolutely loves him! Not everything is easy but it is definately better now that he is 7 months old. So my vote is go for it!

My son and daughter are 7 years apart and I absolutely LOVE it!!! My son is 9 and my daughter is 2. He is such a big help with her. He loves her to death!! I like having them further apart because I was able to give all of my undivided attention to my son when he was little. Now that I have my daughter, I am able to give all of my attention to her w/o my son being jealous since he is in school during the day. If you are able to stay at home with your children, and you do not have to worry about going to work in the next few years, I would space them apart a little more.

My son is able to understand that his sister needs a little more attention then him right now. He understands that she needs someone to keep an eye on her at all times since she is so little. If you have them close together a smaller child might not be able to understand why one os getting more attention than the other.

It is also nice that when I take my daughter to pre-school I will not have to take anyone else with me. That is something to think about also. If you have them closer together you will have to take the little one with you everyday when you take your oldest to preschool. It is very nice only having my daughter with me when she goes to preschool.

It is also nice just having one child with homework now. That is another subject to think about. If you have children close together in age you will have a lot of homework to help them with. Just thinking about getting all of them ready for school in the morning too.

It is also nice just having one in sports right now. Having them spaced further apart means you will not have to miss someones game because you have to take another child to his/her game. I have never missed anything my son has done because he was an only child for 7 years. He notices too that I am always there at everything he does.

College is another thing to think about. Having more than one in college at the same time can get VERY expensive!

I am sure there are many advantages with having them closer together, but I have heard a few kids from my son's school say how nice it must be to get a lot of attention from his mom. This is coming from kids who have 3 or 4 siblings that are close in age and some of the kids do not get the attention they deserve.

Hopefully this helps!!

My daughters are exactly 2 years apart (it was not planned that way). Anyway, if I had it to do all over again...I would. They are so close and they always have a playmate.
Being that my daughter was two when her sister came along it was a challenge. It was hard to care for two so close togeather. I had to make sure that the oldest got some attention too.

My sister had her children 4 years apart and they are not as close. In fact the oldest one recents the youngest, becuase she gets all the attention.

My sister and I are 4 years apart too. We are not close at all.

I would say that the closer the better when it comes to having kids. It might be hard at first to deal with two children so close in age, but it is worth it to see how close they are.

I had thought having kids 2-3 years apart would be ideal. But then my second child was born 14 months after my first. It was difficult when they were both young - they needed so much attention, they weren't able to do anything for themselves, running errands was difficult because they took up a lot of space in the grocery cart or I had to juggle them both while carrying packages into the post office, etc. But now I love having them so close together. They are good friends, have similar skill levels, are interested in some of the same age appropriate things (play-doh, sandbox, Dora and Diego), etc. If there is one thing life has taught me - especially since becoming a mom - it is that you will find a way to make a situation work. So whatever you decide to do, don't dwell on the "cons". Focus on the positives and enjoy your family no matter what its composition. Best wishes.

Weighing in:

I am 8 yrs older than my brother and 10 yrs older than my sister. We are close now, and were when they were little, but I missed out a lot when I went off to college and they were still in elementary school!

My children are 31 months apart, and it's a great distance for them, and us. I too had two miscarriages before my first child, and one before the second. We started TTC when my daughter was 18 months old.

Hope this helps a little!

PS - my DH and I are celebrating our 11th anniversary of our first date today...thought it cool how you and I have a few things in common :)

First of all, do what is right for you. That being said, you asked for opinions so I'll tell you what worked for me. My sister and I are 2 years, 7 months apart & we have always gotten along well. We were far enough apart in age that we had some space but not too far apart that we couldn't play together. Based on that we spaced our kids similar age apart, my kids are 2 yrs 5 months, my son is the oldest, my daughter is the youngest. My kids get along great. It was hard when my daughter was born & my son was 2 1/2, but as they got older & my daughter became a toddler they were able to play together.

Good luck!

Hi. I have both spectrums in my family.My two sons are 5 1/2 yrs apart and my son and daughter are less then 3 yrs apart. There advantages and disadvantages to both as I'm sure you know. The advantage of my oldest being nearly six when he brother born was that he really could be involved he went to the ultrasound, thought he had a hand in naming him and when he was born my oldest truely felt like his brother was his so to speak. The disadvantages I'm find out now of the age diff.is they have reached a point where though they are still close they don't have a whole lot in common my oldest is 11 and my other som is 5 two whole diff. Worlds.Now my son and daughter my 5 and almost 3 year old the advantage of my middle child and she being close was that he doesn't remember a point that she wasn't here. He never really went through the sibiling resentment thing and they are so close and have their own way of communicating ideas that only they get and they have so mucj fun together. The disadvantage was that he was still in diapers when she was born, he still needed a lot of attention and it was an adjustment for me. More then the kids. Good luck I hope our experiences help. Trust your instincts.

Hi B.,

Being an only child myself, I can understand your dilemma. Both of my children were a surprise and they are 25 months apart. It was very difficult on my husband and I when #2 was an infant, but it was worth it. My children are now 6yrs old (girl) and 4 yr old (boy) and they are such good friends. I love the bond between them. My cousins each have children 3 years apart and neither share the bond I see in mine. They are close enough in age to be friends but yet my daughter can still take pride in being the big sister and "helping" her little brother. My son idolizes his Big sister and yes they do fight but they also support each other tremendously . Obviously, you have some say in the matter but things will happen when they are supposed to. Good Luck and I am sure that you will make the right choice for your family.

Ifeel the closer the better for the children. It does make for more work on your part. Not only to tend to their needs but to also carve out special one-on-one time for each. My first two are 22 months apart. It was hard and I remember little of my second child’s "baby" time. They are so very close now at almost 6 and just turned 4. They play well all the time and are best friends. I have a third and the space between #2 and him is 3 years. That spacing is much easier on me but I can see some change in my second child trying to find her place. She is not the baby any more and she is not the big girl. Defining her role is hard for her but we try to spend extra special time with her.
I hope this is somewhat helpful. The bottom line is that you need to do what works for YOU and know that the children will adjust. They just want to be loved.
Good Luck!

hi there!i am a stay at home mom to two boys who are 2 years and one week apart.honestly its easier then i thought it would be.i do think it all depends on the child too.my son was never once resentful about the new baby he was so excited to help out.i rented the fetal doppler so he could hear the heartbeat(and ive had numerous miscarriages so it gave me peace of mind).we included our son in everything he even helped redo the nursery :) i love having them close together!

My 1st and 2nd daughter are only 14 months apart, 2nd and third are 5 years apart and 3rd and 4th are 2 and half years apart. I have some experience with both. I personally think i waited way to long with the five year space. They are the two children that fight the most. They have nothing in common. I think 2 years apart is perfect. My little one just started kindergarten and knowing that her sister is in her school gives her so much comfort. My older two are trying out for cheerleading together, walk to school together, walk to ccd, bring friends home after school together etc...

I know that not all siblings are close but it seems to help if there is not such a big gap. I don't feel that i do not have enough attention for them. My sister in law has a 13 year old and a 2 year old. Her daughter confides in me that the baby causes grief. There is such a space that she feels the mom's attention is always on the baby. There are many things you cannot do with both...sesame place being one, what movie at the theater, chuckie cheese vs a nice restaurant. Must close i am babbling :) I just want to say that i don't see the positives in a large space between siblings. It will continue even when they have kids and the cousins are so spaced apart. Ok, i am done...

Hi B. !

I think your answers are going to cover the whole spectrum. I had my first two kids almost exactly 2.5 years apart. It worked well, because at age 2, the older child is fascinated with babies. 10 years later, I had 2 more kids, 20 months apart, and being closer in age to each other, they are great friends, esp now that they are in high school.

I would probably do it sooner rather than later. It's going to take 9 months to build that baby after you conceive, and you'll all be ready by the time 9 months is up.

(Conversely, my sister had 3 kids, and had #4 when the youngest was 5 -- that meant he'd had a lot of time being the baby, and didn't like giving up that position in the family. She found it harder on him to have waited that long between kids.)

Have fun ! That's what's really important. Loving and enjoying your family in the good times, and working through and hanging in together during the harder ones.

pluses and minuses to both but honestly, let it happen naturally, so if you get pregnant you do can't plan and with 2 miscarriages the best way to go. Don't put any pressure on you and be as healthy as you can be.

mine are 18 mo apart, i had always dreamed of having them 4 yrs apart and that is what we would have planned, but the Lord sometimes has other plans.
I would almost say that maybe you need to figure out if there are any underlying reasons on why you want to wait. If you are worried about the miscarraiges then lean on your husband or a friend and talk that through.
If you are just waiting until your daughter is a little older, more independent ect. then my vote is to have them so they are 3 years apart. Still close but able to have some space to develop their own way. I can see now that 4 is probably a bit too far apart, for me.
I'm sure what ever happens will be the right thing for your family, and when it comes down to it, it really is a hard thing to plan and I think is also affected by the sex of the children, which you have even less controll over.
Best wishes

My children are seven years and then five years apart - both pretty far apart. I wanted it that way - I felt I didn't want to rush having them, and wanted time to "baby" them. But, everyone is different. Also between the 1st and 2nd child it is totally different than between the 2nd and 3rd. Not bad, just different because the children themselves are so different. I'm sure what ever you decide will be great for you.

I didn't read any of your responses but I just thought I'd share my personal experience and opinion. I am the youngest of 5 children. My older 2 sisters are close in age then the spacing got further apart and are probably the closest of all of us. The sister that is closest in age with me is about 5.5 years. I always felt like we weren't very close. Everyone was doing their own thing because we didn't have things in common because of the age difference.

When I had children, I refused to have such gaps. My kids are anywhere from about 1.5-3 years apart. I believe that a space somewhere in that range is perfect. My children all play together. Ofcourse they fight a little too, but just the normal stuff. I hope that their closeness will continue on into their adult years.

Good Luck on your decision!!

Hi B.
I suppose you are going to have all different sorts of opinions on this matter. I had my first three children, all 19 months apart exactly. I then had a fourth, who was 10 years younger than my oldest. They are currently ages 17,16,14 and 7. My older three kids all played together and were and still are very close. They always had similar interests when they were little, and except for some typical sibling fighting, everyone played very well together. When I had my 4th child, the older 3 kids were very excited and he was everyone's baby. Now that my youngest is 7 and the older kids are all teenagers....I kind of feel like my 7 year old is an "only child", so to speak. My older kids spend alot of time with him, and they play sports with him, but of course they don't have similar interests with a second grader. I sometimes feel sad for my little guy, because my older 3 kids all had each other to play with growing up and my little one has to depend on outside friends and neighbors to play with (who have similar interests). Personally, I would highly recommend having children close together. I have found it somewhat difficult to have older kids and go to their events and be active in their lives (which I am) but then having a younger child starting PreK or kindergarten....that was not a picnic....going back to that stage. I also am an only child, and I am so happy that I have been blessed with 4 children who are close and will always have each other. Good luck with your decision!

I appreciate the stuggle that you are going through to decide when to have another. If you are both ready, I would just take things as they come. There is no guarantee as to WHEN you would become pregnant again, so sometimes "planning" just does not work. It took 6 months for me to get pregnant with the first two, the third was within the first two months and the last a surprise :) I have four children all 6 and under. It was the hardest at the two year mark (my first two are 8 days shy of 2 yrs apart). My next two are 16 months and 19 months apart respectively. I personally though also the jump from one to two was very difficult, but it could also have been the age of that it happened. As the third and fourth came along, it was much easier and the kids seemed to adjust much easier. But do not get me wrong, they still have a hard time sometimes not being the only one getting attention! They also did not have ALOT of time (for the exception of my oldest) of having alone time with mom, so they really did not know the difference. Go with your heart and good luck with attempting your goals in life.

the space between my first 2 is 2 years and 8 months and the space between my 2nd and 3rd is 2 years 9 months, i think this is perfect, it was enough space that they were a little independant but at the same time not old enough to get too jealous. hope this helps

B.,

Everyone's opinion is different and you just have to do what is right for you. If you are ready, go for it!

I, personally, don't believe having kids far apart in age is a bad thing at all. My two are 13 years apart and it is the best thing that could have happened. My son has a lot to teach my daughter and, yes, he does play with her and already has a plan to protect her from the boys :-). And my daughter ADORES and looks up to her big brother.

Of course, I am not saying you should wait that long (LOL); our situations are very different. I am just saying that you need to go with your heart. If you are ready, and able to handle it all, just do it!

Good luck.

R.

Every family is different so you're going to hear differing opinions. With that said, each child is different and of course you will not know the personality of a child until after it's born, nor will you know how the older child will react until after the new baby is born.

I have 5 kids. My two older boys are 8 years apart. That was and is rough. For them, it's because their personalities are completely opposite. If they had similar interests and personalities they would have grown up a bit closer. We wanted our third child after #2 turned 3. By the time a child turns 3 they are more independent, has hit most milestones being potty trained an all that. Well, we decided to wait due to marriage problems. By the time we were ready again we got pregnant right away and that put baby #3 8 years apart from #2. That baby miscarried and the next time we got pregnant the following spring I found out it was triplets, two boys and one girl. They are 9 years younger than #2.

So, we know what it's like to have kids far apart and very close together, lol. I've seen a lot of friends and family with kids far apart and close together. Much of it boils down to personality. But, I think if they're too far or too close in age, then there's problems by nature. I've seen too many where kids were very close in age and the first born didn't get enough quality time during those important first few years because a new baby came into the picture.

My personal opinion is to give birth when the first born is at least 3 years old. The older child will be born secure, independent and ready to accept a new baby, generally speaking. But there's so many factors like the sex of the children, mom and dad's personalities, kids personalities, birth order, etc. Do what feels right for your family. Have you talked to your older child about a new baby?

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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Hi B., My brother and I are 15mo apart and fought all the time til we were about 16. Then we started a great relationship. I have three girls, 17, 15 & 12. The older two are almost like best friends, but the youngest is really out on her own alot. That 5 yr gap (between #1 & #3) is really huge right now and there is a lot more fussing and fighting (the 12 yr old gets "on her nerves") than I would like. So, in my experience a 2 yr gap is great with same-sex children. Now, my hubby has a sister that is 7 yrs younger and a brother that is 2 yrs younger and he gets along great with both and always has. Personality also has a lot to do with it....LOL there really isn't any right or wrong answer here...it is all in what is in your heart. Best wishes.

My advice would be to have them closer in age. My boys are 2.5 years apart and they play together so well(most of the time!). I notice with siblings in the neighborhood that are 4 or more years apart that they don't really play together very much...just too big of an age difference when they are younger. When they are older-yeah that isn't so much but younger-yes. They are at different stages of interest in everything from toys to TV.

Also-I have never seen a child anything but positively affected by a sibling. Parents always worry about jealousy and such (I did too) and it never pans out. They always love having the new addition. You will naturally find ways to make the older one feel special and included. If anything the younger will be in the older's shadow I have found.

Seriously, you're gonna get about a zillion different opinions on this! My 2 bros & I are 7 and 9 years apart and we are VERY CLOSE. My DH & his sis are 2 years apart and still can't stand each other. As you have seen from your own experience, not everything in life can be planned. IMO, if you're both ready for another, just let it happen!

My sons are 22 months apart and I wouldn't change a thing. They play together well, so it's like having a friend over all the time. I am the oldes of 4 children. My brothers are 15 months, 4 years and 8 years younger than me. I was always very close to the oldest of my younger brothers, and I am now close will the 2 youngest as well. My youngest brother was going into 3rd grade when I was entering college, so we weren't very close when he was little and I was a teen. Once he was in high school, he and I became much closer. Same with my next to the youngest brother. I guess the moral of my story is that it is possible for siblings to become close during teen/adult years even if they are many years apart. But if you want them to play together as children, having them close in age so their interests/abilities are similar is the way to go.

Good luck!