Very Unfocused 5 Year Old Boy in Kinder. HELP!!!!!!

Hi L., It is not uncommon for little boys to not be ready for the academic demands of kindergarten. Please make an appointment to speak with the teacher, do not try to talk with the teacher at morning drop-off or afternoon pick-up. You want to have a conversation at a time when both of you can concentrate on your son. First of all, find out what he does well, what he likes to do (besides play), and those areas where he needs assistance. Come up with a plan with the teacher working on one area at a time and then make another appointment in two or three weeks to discuss his progress.

Also, find out how old the rest of the boys in the class are. Is your son on the very young side, and others have been given the "gift of time" and are much older?

Do not punish your child or try to bribe him for something that he is not developmentally ready for.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, I'm a mom with a 9 year old boy. He is also my one and only. He is also very bright and active and interestingly enough that is what his teacher likes about him. My thought, if you can, try and volunteer in the classroom and observe. That helped me last year. I realized the teacher really didn't understand my son. He was trying to please her and be helpful to the other kids, she found him disruptive and unable to focus and listen. He was bored and frustrated.

I have a 4th grader with a similar problem. Remember that as the mother, you know your child better than anyone else even if they (teachers, etc.) are the "experts." It is likely that your very bright child has found a way to "play" the teachers at school to make things easier for himself. It's easier to be a baby! Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something that you know is not right for your child, such as putting him into a "slower" class. This will only encourage his behavior of trying to do things the "easy" way. Instead, make sure your son takes responsibilities for his school work and other chores, and take away his privileges if he does not. I know that this is hard for us to do to our kids, especially if they are our only children, but it is for their own good. I have ended up doing the homework many times in the past because "it's hard!" Everything is easier if someone else is always willing to do it! Another thing to consider is that children all mature at different rates. Your son is only in Kindergarten. That's still practically a baby!

It sounds like maybe he needs consequences from you for how he is doing in school. My daughter had a similar problem in Kindergarten. Her teacher and I communicated a lot about what worked and what didn't, and it was very effective for the teacher to be able say "you're mom isn't going to give you a star for today if I can't tell her that you did your work." The specifics let her know that we were working together, and that she would suffer the same consequences for disobeying the teacher as she did for disobeying me. She still has concentration issues, but she is getting better. It's definitely a struggle...especially when they are so smart and we know they are capable of doing very well! Good luck, I hope this helps a little.

I have had the same problem with my son. We chose to switch him into the pre-Kindergarten program at our school and the difference has been unbelievable. We hadn't realized how stressed out he was in Kindergarten. He is all boy and very imaginative and the strict academic program that is now considered Kindergarten was just too much. He is still learning the same things but the pressure to master it is not there anymore. So he will be a 6 year old kindergarten next year but I believe that his maturity level will be able to handle mastering the academic skills he needs to succeed in school. Perhaps you can repeat Kindergarten next year to allow him to catch up. I would suggest that you talk with his teacher and the principal. It is better to hold him back now than later. We had to fight to let him stay back but it has truly been worth it. Good Luck!

Boys develop slower than girsl, it may mean that he is just not ready for Kindergarten yet. Talk to your pediatrician or health care provider; if all of his developmental milestones have been normal so far and there is no evidence of illness (undiagnosed ear infection, hearing loss, ASD, etc.), then the solution might just be that he needs another year before he is really ready for Kindergarten.

Having him repeat kindergarten next year maybe the simple and best solution for him. It is best to do it now instead of forcing him to continue on unprepared and having to repeat a grade later when there is a social stigma attached.

Good luck!
Smiles,
C. (yes, I am a pediatric nurse...)

Hi, I'm in the same bout of you, I have a 5 years old girl also she in kinder ( The teacher was tell me last week my girl have ADD because she is not focused, Hello!! they are 5 years olds kids at 5yrs they only want to play and besides Kinder is too much for them, remenber that all words each in grup of 10 is too much but we are doing ok I help her as a game and after I geve her a prize) well what we can do is give them more attention, sit with him and do the homework together, maybe you can think be a volunteer for a cauple hrs en the class of your kid, I do that and my girl is so happy to see in her class, hoppe this can help you a litlle.

Children mature at different rates, learn and are engaged differently. Take a good look at the school and make sure he is appropriatlely engaged, stimulated, and listened too. If it is not the school ... do not be too quick to jump on the meds wagon. Alternatives can be different nutrition, sleep habits, eating schedule, etc.
Hope it all goes well. Sometimes professionals can help, sometimes they are also taking stabs in the dark. Take it all with a grain of salt... in the end listen to your child and yourself.
M.

I saw gail mentioned food allergies. Yes that is usually part of it. Also, many kids came off ritalin by using 2 natural products: focus attention and DHA. I am hopefully giving you links:

http://www.naturessunshine.com/us/products/catalog/produc...

http://www.naturessunshine.com/us/products/catalog/produc...

you can give it a try if you like. toll free 800 453 1422, give them ny number 18844722 and ask for your own number so you can pay wholesale.

I have an unfocused Kindergarten aged son too. He's smart and can do the work but he doesn't stay focused long enough to complete tasks. I always remember the advice I got from one of the family care groups, have hearing and vision checked. So I did this with my son. I told the ENT doctor about how hard it is for my son to stay focused long enough to get dressed every morning. And that his teacher was saying that he's having trouble staying on track. The Dr. told me that his symptoms seemed similar to a child with ADD. So I took him to a specialist and we're waiting for test results. For the test I had to have teachers fill out a questionnaire about my son. His Montessori school teacher didn't see any real problems. His visual mobility (a special ed teacher because his vision is 20/100)didn't see any major issues either. However both of these teachers work a lot with him 1on1. Hopefully we'll get some answers. First grade is very hard for kids who can't work independently.

Feel lucky that your son is in a school where they let you know how he's doing.

When I was a teacher and had unfocused boys (which is normal, boys have lots of energy!), I would have a chart on his desk, 3 x 5 sized, that would be divided into time chunks. So the boy would have a goal of focusing for the first chunk of the day- say 1 1/2 hours, or the time before recess #1. After that time, he'd get a sticker on his chart. Then we'd try for the next chunk- say from recess #1 until lunch. Then a sticker for success. Repeat for after lunch until the end of the day. And if he got 2 out of 3 stickers, he'd get a reward at the end of the day (you could drop off a bag of small candies or whatever he likes) plus the teacher could write you a small note or send home a happy face to you to let you know how it went. So, immediate pay off! Then as we saw success occurring regularly, the rewards would be for 3 out of 3. Then we'd stretch it to 2 days of success for a reward. And then 3. You get the idea- start small with immediate rewards and then stretch him as he improves. The teacher only needs to sticker his chart a few times a day and stay in constant contact with you. It really seemed to help the child to know that even if they screwed up in the first part of the day, their day wasn't shot and they could try for the next time chunk. Eventually they can do a whole day but initially we need the child to see small successes. Good luck!

My son is exactly the same!Have you talked to him about earning privalages and treats? It has helped a lot but he gets it more now that hes seven.When he says he would like something like a new toy or a playdate I say sure if you earn it buy doing chores and listen and do your school work!I told him if I go to work and goof off Im going to get in trouble buy the boss and then maybe I wont get paid.It seems almost evrything in life is set up that way so good to start early.
C.

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Not to worry. I have two boys and I went through it with my oldest who is now 13. First off you need to ask yourself. Is my son socially mature for his age? Is he a young 5yo? Is he so intelligent that he is bored with the teacher? Or do you need to change teachers? Perhaps he needs to start kindergarten next fall when he is more mature to listen to the teacher. This is very common. Boys! I repeat, Boys are like this. Get ready for more of this. And DON'T let the teacher suggest ADD or medication. That is not the solution to the problem. A good after school program might help too for his social behavior. I have lots of ideas. YOU are not at fault.You are not a bad parent. Hope this helps.

he may have food alergies, wheat, gluten, dairy, sugar. I have friends who have had amazing results with eliminatiing these from their childs diet and the focus has returned

Do you have a Waldorf school in your area? At Waldorf they don't believe they are supposed to 'buckle down'..they believe in working with the whole child. They do not even introduce alphabet writing until 1st grade and prefer kids wait until 7 yrs to enter 1st grade. My daughter was in kindergarten/preschool setting until age 7. They bake bread, make vegetable soup, jump rope, sing, play, paint, etc. It is definitely structured, but structured to the right brain vs left. Also throughout later grades all curriculum allows for right brain, interactive creativity.

I also might suggest a book 'raising your spirited child.' Excellent re. temperment and pitfalls to avoid, redirecting skills.

For parenting classes in your area see: www.redirectingbehavior.com
Aloha! C.

Have a good talk with the teacher. Perhaps you can let the teacher know what it is you do at home that keeps him from (Playing you) and doing what he does at school.
Has he been tested for his inattention?
B.

My 11 year old daughter is the same way. She finally got a teacher in the 4th grade who had a gifted daughter and saw right through it all.

I suggest setting up a reward system between you and the teachers. They should set the limits and spell out exactly what they expect from him with rewards for jobs done well. For example - each day that he turns in all of his work he gets to put a marble in a jar. When he gets 5 marbles he gets a special treat - something he enjoys like picking the book for reading time or getting to be line leader. Then have a bigger prize for 10. If that works well, make the prizes bigger and for more marbles.

This worked great with my daughter. The teacher sat down with her and I and we all signed the page. Of course it has to be at his age level but if he likes the prizes he will work towards the goal.

Good luck!

I wouldn't go with the "maybe he's not ready" argument because of your statement that "If he can get away with not doing something he will." As a parent/elementary teacher, I'd say don't let him get away with not working at school. :) Someone else has already suggested a behavior contract, which is also my suggestion. Those are great for keeping kids on task! Ask his teacher to devise some sort of daily behavior/on task report to send home to you, and then give him rewards or consequences at home.

As a mother of a kindergartener and a past public school teacher, i say look at the curriculum. You have a 5 year-old boy who is probably just not ready for it. Don't blame him; you need to find a way to make it work, but don't worry about it too much. Maybe help him at home so he feels more successful in the classroom, and try to get him out running around after school. Good luck!

I have the same issue with my son. He is very bright, very clowny, and very unfocused. He has been in trouble with teachers from preschool on, and he is now in first grade. He is very disruptive. I don't let him get away with that at home either. What has been very helpful for him is a behavior contract that his teacher put him on. It has each subject of the day and the teacher gives him a smiley face, a straight line mouth face (means OK) or a frowny face if his behavior isn't good. His behavior has improved so much since he is directly accountable for it.

Well mom, he needs to have a place to just be unfocused and have fun and get his energy out. So better at home than a school. If
he has no other children to play with at home or with neighbors kids or parks to socialize he may overdo the socializing at school. If this is the case tell the teacher it's possible she
will understand and know a little more how to settle him down. If on the other hand the school is to rigid on this age group, maybe other moms are getting these letters..Try to find out. You
the right to sit in a class room to observe your child and the others, make an appointment to do so.
J.

Volunteer in his classroom & when you see that he's not following the rules, then you need to take him to the side (privately) & remind him to follow the rules; be consistent. Or, after finding out he did not follow the class rules, on a particular day, then take away an enjoyed priveledge, at home, that same day. The priveledges to remove that particular day are: favorite toy, favorite tv show, play date, etc.

Let me start by saying that I totally understand, and you're not alone!
I'm in a similar situation, with a son who is highly intelligent. One thing to remember is that there is a difference in kindergarten between boys and girls. Boys tend to be not as ready to sit still yet. Kindergarten has become much more academic, and our school, they are not even allowed to run at recess! My understanding is that the trouble with sitting still and focusing is greatest in kindergarten and evens out much more in 1st grade.
I'll give you suggestions for what I do with my son.
First of all, I work closely with the teacher to come up with ideas for motivating him. She says that he doesn't manage his time, but then in the last 2 minutes, will do his work super fast, and it's really good.
I tried a few things. For a while we worked with a sand timer. At home I would pick a part of his homework to finish in the time. He had funning with that for a while. He liked flipping the timer himself. I gave him one to take to school. It worked for a while until the novelty wore off.
Then the teacher did a sticker chart, where he could earn stickers after each assignment. That's wearing off.
Lately at home (I have the same challenge with homework), he has been complaining about the work being boring, so we play games with making his work more advanced. For example, he gets bored with adding small numbers, so when he gets the total, we multiply it by 2 or 3.
When he does writing, we play a game to see if he can come up with a word that will surprise his teacher.
I know it's a lot of games for motivation, but I'm also really trying to instill in him the importance of doing his assignments (even if boring), and helping him to feel good about his sense of accomplishment at the end -which I hope in turn will turn in to self motivation.
Right now that is what is working for us.
By the way, my son is not ADD. He can focus on many things when he wants to. He can build very advanced lego sets, read, and do many other things.
This is a very normal thing for boys, especially if they are on the younger side.
With school being so much more structured now (what ever happened to naps and singing "I'm a little tea pot"?), it's an adjustment for the little guys who just came from a world of playing and running and messy finger painting.
I know it takes patience too, so my heart goes out to you. I know that it's a lot of work for me, but I'm really trusting that it'll all work out.
All the best to you.
Oh - one other point is that before I can do any homework with him after school, I try to let him do some running. I think it's difficult not getting physical activity at school.

We just went thru the same thing with our first grader. We had the principal talk to him! It worked like a charm. Let your child know (scare tactic), if he doesn't do what he supposed to do, he might have to do kinder all over again and all of his buddies will be in 1st grade. Good luck.

Hi L..

I work with elementary school children every day and have an 11 year old son in the magnet program and a 7 year old mentally retarded daughter. You could say my educational background in Child Development and my personal parenting experience give me some level of expertise in this area. The best advice I can give you regarding a situation like yours is to get involved. You said that you've received letters from the teacher/school regarding your son's behavior - be proactive; sit in and observe during the times when the problems seem to occur, schedule a conference with the teacher and with administrators and be sure to include your husband in the process (having two parents involved and on the same page will make everyone's jobs easier). Find out if the behavior in question is happening all the time, during specific parts of the daily curriculum, during unstructured social time, etc. The most important thing to remember is that your son's kindergarden year is an extremely important one because it sets the standard of expectations for the years to come but it should also be one that offers lots of positive reinforcement for things done well and that gives room for creative and social growth in an emotionally safe environment. Maintain a positive attitude toward school with your son but be open to the possible need for intervention if that is what is necessary. The earlier he can get any support services that he may need, the better he will adapt, bothe socially and academically. Always remember, every child has special needs, no academic program best fits the needs of every student, and you are your child's best advocate - be ready and willing to be there for him.

Dear L.,

I would love to know your son's birthday. My daughter entered Kindergarten just after she turned 5 - she has a late July birthday and is the youngest child in her class. I have to say both kindergarten and 1st grade were a struggle for her. I think that she might have been too young to start kinder when she did. I know a lot of parents with children who have a late summer or fall birthday. Many of these parents hold their children back from starting kinder until they are older. When I was a child kindergarten was more like pre-school is now. These day's children start reading and doing math problems in kindergarten. I didn't start any of that until 1st grade. It might just be that your son is too young for kinder. I would work with the teacher to see if he should repeat it next year. In many ways I wish my daughter could have repeated kindergarten. I think it would have made much of her schooling a lot less stressful for her and me. It's also pretty classic that your teacher is complaining about a boy instead of a girl. Boys have it pretty hard these days in schools! Stay on his side.

I see by the 43 responses... that this is not an uncommon thing especially for mothers with 5 year old boys! My is at the same stage in kinder... it's normal! Try karate... the sensei makes the boys focus and some how it works and they learn! Good Luck!

Bright young energetic children are a gift. When you think about the very narrow parameters they must fit into as they enter Kindergarten, and then remember that he didn't design this next step of his life...he was just thrown into it, one begins to see his situation with compassion and in a new light.

Perhaps his gifts are not being utilized. You really know your child. Apart from a reward system, which in the long run is very ineffective and counter productive, what do you do at home to engage him in positive activities? What does he like? Every child has something they are naturally passionate about. What is his passion? Turn it into his education, make it relevant to his life. Help him connect the dots from his passion to the skills he can learn in school through participating appropriately. Children are much, much more intuitive and intelligent than we give them credit for.

Children are not meant to be plugged into a system and left there for 13 years. That is not education for life. If his teacher won't work with you on finding activities that complement his passions, perhaps you might consider changing schools.

You refuse to let him go hungry, you refuse to let him go cold and unclothed, *refuse* to let him have a mediocre educational experience. Actively work to find his place. The thanks you get from doing the work now, is a happy healthy adult son in the future. He will be fully expressed and know who he is if you assure that he is guided by the right people. Every year is important. We can't just hope for better luck with teachers next year. Make sure he is with someone who sees who he is. Who he is, is a beautiful boy with endless potential.

Take him to The Learning Gym in Manhattan Beach...check it out www.learninggymusa.com. They have suggestions and can do some testing if needed.

Hi L.,
Take a deep breath mom, your on your way to helping your child be his best self. I tell my children. "Learning is important. Mrs. ____ needs your help. She has wonderful things to teach you and needs you to show her that you can focus on your work." I also told my children that I'd be asking for a daily report from the teacher and I expected the reports to be that they were doing their work. Then without yelling or anger I would take away priviledges and tell my child that As soon as I got a report that they were doing their work, they would get the priviledge back.
If you stick with it and return to it if it begins again you will be amazed at the student that will emerge in your child. Tell him that you know how smart he is and he can show it by doing his good work at school. Good Luck and enjoy that wonder child of yours. Help him make learning fun.

Rule out any hearing or eyesight disorders.

If Kndergarden is his first experience to having many kids around him if was not in daycare, he may just be feeling very stimulated.

I am mother of a very fiesty 2 1/2 year old and something my mother recommended is that boys need time to jump, scream, hit things (baseball, hand ball), kick(kickball), climb, wrestle, and just go crazy, and once they have spent the energy, they will be more focused. Keep things at the house that he can do and make sure weekends are spent outside as often as possible.

He is 5. He's a boy. Nuff Said.
Hang in there mom!

Hi L.,

I am a grandmother who is 68 years old. I have 6 sons and may I add have gone me through all kinds of trials and tribulations. However because of having experienced getting notes from teachers in the past while raising my sons I feel I can give you some expert advice about this particular subject. (Notes from teacher) Some notes are valid from teachers and some not. Moreover there could be a problem with personality clashes between your son and the teacher. Remember teachers are human beings just like you and me and of course your son. They like and dislike some student. Sometimes picking on one student more than others. Looking for fault when they should be looking for positive behavior in their students. My sister-in-law is a teacher and so was my aunt as well as my grandmother. (God Bless her Heart) They would probably tell you to look further into the note issue and not jump the gun and subject you son is misbehaving without reason. Talk to the teacher, stand back and look at her behavior and the way she describes your son and his behavior. Ask her questions about the other students and what they were doing at the time your son seem to mis behave. Teachers are great and wonderful people if you get a good one, but there are some who put bad marks on the prefession of teaching. It only takes one bad teacher in a childs life to ruin forever the rest of the chllds future school years. My son and his wife have pull one of my grandsons out of school and are home teaching him because of problems with the school he was attending. This was their first son and he was in first grade when they decided the teachers and school were more of a hendrance than a help in educating their son. He is fine now and does not miss the problems he seem to experience in the class room.

I hope I have helped a little
God Bless you and your son.

J.

gee whiz - as you said he is a 5 year old little boy in kindergarten! wanting to play? isn't that what they do? i found kindergarten very challenging for my son as well. i took the approach of "i want to see it for myself". if you can spend some time observing in or near the classroom, during recess, or volunteering during key times in the class ... do it! that's what i did. then the communication really opened up between me and the teacher. he is now functioning GREAT in his 1st grade classroom.

I told both my boys (now ages 7 and 10) that listening was a superpower and that if they sat still and REALLY listened to the teacher they would be like a superhero. I told them that you can learn anything in the world by listening carefully enough. Imagine the smile on my face when the kindergarten teacher remarked on what good listeners they were! I never told :) --B.

I would acknowledge his positive behaviors at home when you give him a specific task to accomplish. If you already have a set routine and chores, reinforce them with a reward (sticker, prize, big hugs, special times at the park etc...) and see how he responds. However, if you see your son getting distracted during the task at hand, gently redirect him and remind him of his goal. Remember to give him lots of praise and positive affirmation when he accomplishes his goal.

As for you mom, try your best to stay firm but positive. It will be a challenge at first, but persevere and do not give up. Look at the little steps and rejoice on the little changes that will happened.

My son was the same, and still is. Don't be talked into medication. If your son needs extra attention, the school must do something to help him. The law states that the school must make sure every child gets the assistance in learning that he requires, so go to the teacher and ask what kind of assistance the school offers. He may need to get tested to get special assistance and you may need to push for that. Don't let the shool railroad you into givng him medication or let them ignore his needs. I did that at first and had to fight for 3 years until I got my son into a special class with extra help. Good luck. And remember, boys will be boys. They like to play and have fun.

Being a new mother sometimes we tend to let our only child get away with things without realizing it. Your child is acting normal for a 5 year old. I also want to mention that a child learns from home first, so if you want to correct or give him positive guidance he needs to get it from you first. I'm a single mother of three and I want to give my children the world, but as a parent I need to be the one to tell my child what is right and wrong. At first it's hard you don't want to hurt their feelings, but trust me you're doing out of love and the children will benifit from it.

Hi L.,

I raised two children having unfocused in school but they're also bright. Giving him a paino lesson help him focus. Talk to his pedetrician doctor and let him know your problem in school so that he will requested to analyzed your son. It is important that your son will get a proper recommendation from the doctor and the school has a special program for students that has disability of not being focus. They called it Individual Educational Program for every public schools. This program cannot be suggested by school system, they have the doctor to suggests to analyze him in physchological testing in your doctor's office and also in your school physchologist so that they will be the one who recommended your son to be put in IEP program which they will provided a special one on one teacher's aide to help the students that has difficulty in learning and not focus. Good Luck A.

It sounds like your teacher just needs a few lessons in handling active little boys. Can you go in and volunteer in his class? It may help her to see how you handle him. Plus you'll see how she handles him. Some teachers just have unrealistic expectations for children this age, you would think they'd know better but not always.

Hi L., My daughter (6 at the time)would do the drama reward thing at school, crying everyday for attention. She loves to perform so likes attention focused on her. We do NOT tolerate the inappropriate attention schemes at home but it was working at school with the teacher. When I found out she was doing it I told the teacher to demote her (move her clip down on the kudos chart in class) every time she cried or created a scene for attention. He was shocked but relieved to have some parent approved leverage to work with. Once he started doing that, the behavior stopped in two days. And my daughter was mortified to hear that I was the one who told him to do it. She got the point though. Your son is pushing the envelope, which is his job at 5 years old. If the teacher is letting him get away with it, talk to him or her and let them know they can enforce stricter rules with him. Some teachers are afraid of parent retaliation if they try any discipline. Hope it helps -

Take him out of school for a year and see if it helps. or... you can ask the school psycholigist what they think...but remember you are his Mom. Talk with the teacher and make a plan together.

When there is a problem with kids, one of the best things you can do is help him to own the problem. Explain what the dimensions of the problems are and why you care about the solution. Tell him that you bet --because he is so smart-- that he will find the best solution. When you put your trust in them, kids rarely disappoint you. And then share the solution with us.