Very Mean 3 Year Old...

Try and spend as much special time with him as you can. No matter how nice nana is, he loves his mom the best, and he misses you when you are away.

I don't think he is "mean" -- try not to label him. He's just acting out because he misses his mommy. Try telling him, "I know you miss mommy when she goes to work, let's play a special game." And give him lots of hugs and kisses.

From now on nomore second chances. The FIRST time that he tells you that he is going to be mean to another child you calmly say OK then we are leaving because that is not OK. You then calmly walk him back to the car and take him home where you put him in his room. I can all but guarantee you that a couple of times of this will stop this behavior. But the key, and this is important because it will not work if you slip even once, is consistency. Every single time he says this you do this.

It sounds like there's been some changes which you can control, and some which you can't.

Three is hard for some kids. They sail through two and then whammo! three is a whole other story.

If it were me, I'd drop everything that isn't essential. He's in care five days a week-- I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but that's a lot for a three year old. I'd listen to what he's saying about his extras and see what's beneath that. Don't want to be nice in karate or sports? (which is not essential--he's three)-- stop taking him. That's just more time he spends being told what to do instead of getting to just play with you. Consider that he's three and along with having to behave and control his impulses during preschool,he also now has to do that EVEN MORE. Instead, I'd take him home and offer him some down time, some unstructured time. Go to the park and let him play with you. Do enforce your expectations of being polite, and also remember that at 3, he is still 'learning' about other kids and their feelings. It's very common to hear young kids (and even older ones) say "I don't want to play with you".. He may get PLENTY of time with other kids at school already; maybe when he goes to the park, he wants to be left alone to play (and then, teach him "no thanks, I play by myself) or might want to play with you.

Charts and rewards will only go so far. Threes aren't really able to reflect on their actions in the ways we are, or to assess and then modify them to achieve a goal. (There are a few, but from what I've seen in my long years of working with kids, it can be rare. Incentivizing one specific skill-- like using the potty-- is actually easier for most kids than using incentives to change behavior.) Here are some things I would do if I were in your situation:

Offer kind correction at every turn. When he's rude to someone, offer rephrasing (Like at Grandma's: "I'm happy to see you and I'm sad Mom has to go".) If a child is sad by what he says, draw his attention to that ("Do you see his face? He looks very sad. He wanted to play and you used a scary/mad voice. Let's check in with him. 'Are you okay?' ... etc.)

Limit the 'extras' for now. Your child may be really just wanting some unstructured playtime for now. Remember, little kids really don't need more classes, they need more of us and more unstructured playtime, which they will learn SO MUCH from.

I would not take the iPad or other toys away for his expressing himself in the way he is. Instead, offer corrections in the moment; rephrasing or authoritatively deciding "I see you aren't feeling friendly; we're going to go (for a walk over here, just the two of us/go home)"... no asking.

Tantrums? He needs to move through those emotions, so give him a safe place to do it and let him alone. Once we have tried identifying/correcting the source of their frustration and see that it isn't helping, it's often better to just let him have a safe place to rage and then reconnect afterward, when he comes out and is ready for company. I never try reasoning with a child during a tantrum. That's the absolute wrong time to give attention.

Lastly, give as much positive attention as you can. Praise the actions you want to see more of. I will suggest JoAnne Nordling's "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline which works at home and at school" as a great guide for the most effective ways of disciplining and giving attention at the most advantageous times. Especially when your son is busy and enjoying something he likes doing: this is the very best time to go over and give him a squeeze on the shoulder, ruffle his hair, kiss his head, rub his back-- it shows him that he is loved for *just being* (a very real 'step' on Mazlov's Heirarchy of Needs which must be fulfilled for the child to succeed.) This practice is called "positive attention during neutral times"--this is when they are doing something which doesn't bother us or is not meant to please us. I do swear by this method of giving them attention-- it does change behavior and you have to do it a LOT -- we aim for at least 10+ times a day.

MartyMomma was right--your son is watching, because he wants your attention. Be strategic about how you spend your time together (at three, doing less is actually more) and keep clear on your boundaries.Good luck!

Sounds like he has trouble transitioning. Try giving him alerts when things are going to change.

He is not scared without you, if he was he wouldn't have a tantrum when you pick him up from grandma. Everything you are describing is a transition, start there.
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Okay the reason I mentioned transitions is discipline will never work if that is the case. How they feel is the same as if you were asked to speak in front of a crowd. You have to psych yourself up, you have to mentally prepare because it is a very uncomfortable feeling. To kids that have trouble transitioning every change, some changes, most changes, give them the same feeling, they are being pushed outside their comfort zone and not being allowed to prepare for it.

If that doesn't make sense to you imagine someone says you are speaking to these people about a topic you know little about, NOW! and push you out on stage saying if you don't do this right I am taking your car away. Would that change how you feel about the task or make it worse?

he knows it bothers you. He sees your reaction to it, and its FUN... I say drop and run and then make it a BIG production when you pick him up. For the other things, he is doing like Karate and things if he doesnt like it, dont make him do it. He may have no interest. If he is saying those things in front of you to hear, but not during class, then then its you. Again Drop and run and dont pay attention to him. Let his teachers and care-takers know your changing you approach and if its not working they can maybe suggest more things. These people probably have seen it much more than you with dealing with other peoples children. I had to learn to drop and run with my oldest daughter and not let her see my frustration and anger with her behavior cause it was directly linked to me.

First of all, your son is not being "mean" nor is he "nasty." He's only three. He has a limited vocabulary and a lot of emotions that he doesn't know how to express or cope with yet. He needs help learning to identify and express his emotions.

Second of all, it sounds like he's entered a very normal phase that many, many, many children go through.

He's very clearly feeling separation anxiety when he's being dropped off. The best thing to do is gently reassure him, and then continue with the routine as usual. He doesn't require coddling by you or his daytime caregivers because within minutes of you leaving he transitions and settles in... and he's able to do it successfully on his own. That's good.

It sounds to me like he needs some time to warm up to new environments and situations. He needs time to transition. He shouldn't be expected to jump right in and play with other people, and if strangers are saying hello to him he shouldn't be expected to say hello back to them. After all, don't we teach our children not to talk to strangers? It's a completely mixed message to tell a child then that when a stranger says hello, he's supposed to respond with "hello" instead of a form of, "I'm not supposed to talk to you because you're a stranger so leave me alone."

If he's refusing to say hello to people he knows, then he needs some time to warm up. It's part of his transition time.

What I suggest is giving him time to transition, and before you leave the house talk to him about what's going to be occurring next. If it's going to karate, then talk about getting ready, getting in the car, going to karate class and who you expect to be at the class. Talk about how when you arrive, the teacher and some of the children will probably be excited to see him and say hello. Let him know that if they say hello, it's polite to say hello back to them because they're his friends. You may need to go through this routine EVERY time you go to karate. He'll eventually "get it."

Do this with everything you have to go to. Going to Grandma's house. Going to the store. Going to a party. Going to preschool. Going to a restaurant. He needs the transition AND the scripting ahead of time so that he has an idea of what to expect so that although he "should" know that karate class will be the same as last time and the time before that and the time before that, he doesn't know it... he needs reassurance and scripting "just in case."

Ditto Hazel, Jessica, and Jo. This sounds like separation/transition anxiety. One thing that stands out for me is that you're asking him to go from you to any number of different caregivers. Sometimes he goes to his nana, sometimes he goes to preschool, sometimes he goes to sports and karate. This may well be a wonderful blend of nurturance and enrichment, but a 3-year-old has no concept of a week. They don't compute time in such long chunks. So for him it's, "Where are they going to drop me off this time???" He can't see the pattern behind it and it's unpredictable to him. So he acts out. Really, my big piece of advice is to cut down. Can he either just be with Nana or just go to preschool? Can you take him out of sports and karate for now? If he just goes to one place -- maximum two -- he'll be able to build up a skill for transitioning, because all his transitions will follow a familiar pattern. Right now it's too many different transitions, with no pattern he can perceive, so he's displaying classic symptoms of anxiety.

I'm with Hazel... I did want to add though, that my daughter used to do some of these things. She wasn't being rude... when we'd go to the park se's immediately say " I don't like that kid!", which really translated to " I don't know that kid and I'm afraid of that kid."
3 is a super tough age... lots of consistent boundaries, lots of identifying of emotions and teaching tools to cope with them in healthy ways, and a good structure and schedule are super important right now.

Good luck~

I agree with Hazel. My son is also 3 and is in care with a "nana" who is wonderful, but we definitely have to hit the reset button on our time together, meaning that he needs ME as often as I can be there for him. We greatly limit our extra activities for this reason. The time you do spend together needs to be spent with constant reinforcement of what behavior is acceptable, but balanced with lots of love and patience. I know, it's so easy to say...I'm not as patient as I should be bc frankly, I'm wiped out from work! So I totally get where you are and that it's HARD. Honestly, I'm not planning on having my son in activities like sports, etc until he's in school. I need to be spending as much time as I can investing in our relationship so it's one we both are motivated to preserve.

Jo also makes a great point about notifying him about impending transitions. We do this, too...I call nana when we're on our way so she has plenty of time to gear him up for getting ready to leave. When he was younger, we found that the use of a transitional object was helpful, too.

Check out Cynthia Tobias' book: "You can make me (but I can be persuaded)" for some really great tips for communicating effectively w/strong willed children.

Good luck, mama. Hang in there.

When you say to him "We're going home if you continue this", do you really take him home? Or do you give him chance after chance?

You need to get tough with this kiddo. EVERY time he says something nasty, tell him that it's time to leave. Pick him up, screaming and kicking even, and strap him up into his carseat. If he is crying, stand outside of the car and ignore him until he is done crying. Then get into the car and tell him that because he talked ugly to another child, or whatever it was, he doesn't get to have fun.

Right now you must be 100% consistent. Stop every single fun thing that he is doing when he talks nasty to people. Don't do your errands with him. Only take him out to unimportant things. Take him places where he will enjoy being so that he will not like losing it.

No more sports classes until he gets out of this phase.

This will take time. Be absolutely unapologetic. You have to make him understand that he loses when he talks this way.

At home, when he acts ugly to YOU, put him in his room. He may not come out until he is no longer crying. If he doesn't cry, make sure he's in there for a period of time. If you have asked him to do something and he was ugly, make sure that you tell him to do it again. Don't let him out of it.

You need to take away the ipad. He's too young to have an ipad to play with. He needs to be looking at real books. Playing with manipulatives. Legos, trains, blocks, etc. Not TV where they talk ugly. Not computers or game boys or things that make his mind "take a break". He needs to have to clean up his toys with you. He needs to be on a real schedule at home. You need to hold him accountable.

When you take him to Nana's, drop him off at the door and don't go in the house. Instruct Nana to put him in time out if he is mean to her. Tell her that she must not put up with his tantrums either. At the end of the day when you pick him up, put everything in the car first, then come BACK in and pick him up and strap him in his car seat. If he is having a fit, close the car door and ignore him while you talk to your mom at the door. Wait until he is no longer crying before you get back in the car.

Really and truly, this is the best thing to do. If you don't, this stage is going to last a lot longer. What he has to internalize is that he NEVER gets what he wants when he talks ugly or has tantrums. The onus is on YOU, mom, to nip this in the bud.

I would NOT assume that he scared without you. Sorry, but I don't believe this for a minute. Instead, it sounds like you are a pushover and he is pushing YOUR buttons. Stop letting him do it. Get tough on him and stop letting him get away with it. He doesn't do it at school because they won't allow it.

It might get worse before it gets better. He may tantrum 10 times the first couple of days. No matter - don't give in, even if you have to put him in his room every hour.

Sending you strength~
Dawn

I think being consistent is key. Punishment at this age should be quick and immediate. I learned this the hard way. One warning and then punishment. The most effective at this age is leaving or stopping what you are doing. Taking away and Ipad later in the day does not help them associate the punishment to their action. The park example is perfect....If you say you are leaving if this continues, then do so the next time it happens. Giving another, "warning" is completely in-effective. Pick him up, even if kicking and screaming and leave. If you don't do it, he learns that my mom doesn't mean what she says. Same at the grocery store or at his sports or karate. I cannot tell you how many times I have left carts of food in the store because I had to follow thru with my warnings.

He acts like that with you because he is comfortable with you and they want control. Pretty normal. All kids are different when mom isn't there. If he is having fits at drop off and pick up, you just need be quick and say goodbye and leave instead of letting him "control" that aspect. You know he is fine after you are gone, so not letting him control your emotions is key.

Hang in there. 3 is way more difficult than 2 or 4. If you be consistent and mean business, he will learn quickly that he rather stay at the park or where than have to leave.

My son used to do these exact same things. He would refuse to do any sports too and would have a fit. We just wanted him to have fun and have some new experiences....all the other kids were enjoying themselves. Another mom told me her oldest child was like this and would not do anything competitive till she was 7. So, I just decided to wait and let him mature. At age 7 he suddenly asked to be in soccer! Now he is 8 and loves soccer and ski team. He also would sometimes be rude to people when they said hi to him...it just depended on his mood. We would sternly correct him each time and it just took maturing for him to stop doing this. It was embarrassing each time though. He is never like this now...he's very polite to others. He also was a hard kid and had a very hard time with transitions. He still kind of does but he's fine if I give him plenty of warnings before we go anywhere. Just keep talking to him. In the mornings tell him what his day is going to be like. Remind him often what is coming up next. Remind him how you want him to behave. Praise him every time he does something right. That's hard to remember some times. I think this is just a personality thing. Kids like this take more work!

A lot of this sounds like fairly typical toddler behavior, but I agree that the best way to offer a consequence is for it to be immediate and meaningful. If you're at the park and he misbehaves, get down to his eye level, look at him, and gently tell him that doing -X- is wrong, because -Y-, and that if he does it again you will leave. Then follow through. If he misbehaves, don't continue to repeat your threat...follow through on it. If it turns an hour visit to the park into a three minute visit, so be it...THIS is something a toddler understands.

It is very typical for kids to be different at home than at school. It doesn't matter if the parent is a SHAM or WM, this is typical behavior. Also, kids go through stages. As far as your mom being extra nice, let it go. That's just how grandparents are, so I wouldn't cause tension there or grandma will rebel and go even more extreme. Let Grandma enjoy her GS. The screaming when you go to pick him up will stop when he gets older. The same thing happened to my sister. She'd drop her son off a mom's house. She'd go to pick him up and he'd scream and get all upset. Once he started school, things changed and he understood. They don't quite understand at 3 yro or younger why mom can't be with them all day, sometimes they even get confused. My nephew used to call mom, "Mommy" instead of "Grammy." It's very typical, so I wouldn't worry.

As far as being nasty...Rather than threaten to remove him from a situation. Ask him why he said that. Make him think. Sometimes a child will do that; because they don't want to be there and they'd rather go home, or they might be tired, or they might be scared the other child will break their toy, or the other child might not play nicely, etc. You really need to find out why, before you can correct the behavior. Sometimes punishment or grounding just doesn't work.

As for sports and karate. Make sure your karate teacher is more on the traditional side or change over to kung fu. He needs to learn more self-control and respect, instead of self-defense. If he's not interested in sports, then maybe he isn't a "sports person." If you force a kid, whose not "sports minded" into sports, he won't be happy and may give you more behavioral problems as a silent rebellion. How about asking him if he's interested in trying art, drawing, science, or music? There's nothing wrong with a intellectual child. My son's not sports oriented and neither was I. I tried getting him interested in basketball, swimming, etc. He did like kung fu, but his sifu retired. He loves artsey stuff, so I let him draw and read up on the lastest scientific discoveries. Now he's in high school and is very popular. He's in film club, latin club, band, and makes his own videos complete with green screens and background music. He's amazing. You've got to let your child be himself.

I think it's probably a phase that makes him feel powerful that he has control over his situation. I would ignore it unless he really is being mean to another child. If he is really being out of line then you tell him unless he plays nice, you leave. And mean it. Don't threaten to take things away since at this age the punishment has to be immediate. If he is being bratty then try not to react too strongly as this might be attention getting behavior. Always model correct behavior. Also, personally, I think 3 is too young to play an Ipad.

My daughter will be three and she is a moody but has been since she could ! She would give people dirty looks! Now she isnt a fan of going to daycare and it helps when she sees how her older brother give a hug says good bye and goes to class. But she is still sorta rude. After several months we have a routine down that makes her feel ok enough to go inclass. I stay at the door. Its easier for her. She give me a high five, knucks, kiss and a hug. Sometimes another kiss or something then she is ok to go. Most times the teacher has to grab her but some times she will go in on her own. Its progress. I wish the teacher would come to the door right away and take her and and welcome her to the class but truly she has other students to take care of. As far as the rudness to other kids I either say thats fine if you dont want to play with anyone right now but you have to go somewhere else so they can play (if she is in the way of them playing) or ok when your ready to make new friends and want to play thats great. Depending on how rude she is to the other kid. She is super shy and last night she couldnt tell our friend she was sorry for not listening to an adult. We finally decided if she gave the lady a high five that would be her way of saying sorry. She just was over whelmed with her shyness. I assume he is shy. And as I type this I eat my own words. We shold find books on how to deal with childrens shyness and how to comunicate with others.

You know you have done a good job raising your kids, teaching them right from wrong when they behave well for others.

He will out grow it, reasoning and getting to know actions equal consequences will come. Try catching him doing something right-reward him right way. Big Hug, over excited "great job", a reward box or your pocket with stickers, candy, gum, little toys.