Verbally Abusive Son-in-law?

If you criticize him too much than she may get defensive & rationalize his behavior. This may push her towards him & away from you. This is a very tricky position. I would approach it to her on the effect his behavior has on her children. After all, she is a mother & her instincts are to protect them at all costs. Remind her that the way their father treats you is how they will treat their wives & children when they grow up and ask her if that's really what she wants for them. Let her know that you are there for her & that you would even help pay for counseling (if you are able). Sometimes a nudge can start the ball rolling.

If anyone was verbally abusive to anyone in my family they would have to deal with me. Not going to happen on my watch!!! I would let him know what a demeaning awful husband he is and he does not deserve your daughter or grandson. That if he does not seek help or guidance that you will do everything in your power to bring them home. That his job in life as a husband and father is to protect and respect his family. To show your daughter and grandson love and to be a proud husband and father. To show his son what a man is supposed to act like. Not to be a bully to a women and a child, its unacceptable as a husband. That he needs to change his ways if he intends to remain a husband to your daughter!!! PERIOD!!

You could talk to her when her husband isn't around and let her know you were a little surprised at the way he treated her. Don't jump her about it and make her get defensive. Ask her if she wants to talk about it. If yes then keep an open mind and understand where she is. She might be ok with it but she also might not see a way out. If she says she's fine and doesn't want to talk then drop it. Let her know you are there for her no matter what but let it go until she brings it up again.

If the opportunity presents itself, I'd talk to your daughter to at least acknowledge what you observed and ask if there's anything you can do. If she says no, you have to make a tough decision.

It's like having a child who's an addict, has an eating disorder, etc. they may initially refuse help or they would really like to handle it themselves. If nothing else, you can tell her that you're available when she needs you.

children don't want their parents to butt in, that's just the fact of life. But maybe you can approach from a perspective about the grandsons. Ask your daughter, if she thinks she would want her sons to grow up treating women the way her husband treats her? That should have an impact. Lastly, I recommend do a video recording (somehow) when he talks to her that way and let him watch himself. Some people won't see how stupid they are behaving unless they watch it with their own eyes.

And if I were your daughter, I'd bring out the camera right in front of him in (the midst an argument) and start taping. Then say, "I need to record this to teach my sons how NOT to speak/treat a wife when they grow up. And since you're pretty much training them to become verbally abusive men to their wives, I need to do serious damage control!"

A man will only have as much power as you allow him. So she should not pussyfoot around this. She needs to stand her ground...or she will become weaker and weaker each time..he gains more power from being verbally abusive. She won't even see herself losing her dignity or confidence. It'll be so gradual she won't see it coming.

lastly, maybe show her this post?

Talk with your daughter about your concerns, but not in front of the SIL. It is right to be concerned, but you will not know how deep the problem runs until you ask. I worked in domestic violence for years, and it often starts verbally, and then escalates if he feels he is losing control, so be sure he is not involved in the conversation, maybe take her out for a special "mother daughter day". If it must be done by phone, make sure the SIL is not home so she can speak freely.

Talk to your daughter and be there for her and let her know that she always has a home with you. She has to decide if she want to be with someone that verbally abuses her and her children. Since you say she does defend herself she will soon figure out that life it too short to have to defend yourself at home as well as in the world. Home is suppose to be the place where you can come and find peace. I was in a verbally abusive relationship and when I got tired I got out and I have been happy ever since. Our daughter is much happier too. The ex and I get along much better with seperate addresses. After reading some of the other responses you have a lot of great advise.

I hate to hear that you are in that situation. As a mother I would want to step in too. However, from personal experience; the last person I would ever include in my marital problems is mom and dad. As parents its natural to defend our kids not matter what age they are. However, you are going to give her advise that will more than likely interest you and not her. My husband thinks of himself and I'm getting tired of it. I got mom involved and all i hear is "so when are you going to make up your mind about him?" let alone, i'm pregnant and i have two boys with him. But my happiness needs to come first. And i can't stand it that she is in my business because overall she's looking out for herself as well. she wants her daughter to be happy but she's not looking at the overall picture. Does she have siblings that she is close to? You know maybe mention something to them about it. It's really hard to get yourself involved mom and i wish the best thing for you was to do that. But this is almost walking on holy ground you have to be very careful if you decide to involve yourself. Us woman when we hear negative comments from people - we automatically are triggered with protection and deny any alligations. beleive me i've been denying it for about 5 years now. I know she's hurting inside but if he has not physically abused her try to find a way to approach that doesn't really include you that much. Call her best friend they are the most we listen to. Just remember, that you need to protect her as much as you can and that's great, but remember your relationship with her too. Don't ruin it, be a great listener and if she asks for advise let it go very very easily. when and if she comes to you about this she's going to be very tender so take it very easy on her and probably the best thing you can do is keep quiet while she vents and then tell her your advise. This is a very sensitive position you are in. Good luck and please let us know what the outcome is. Take care!!!

Let your husband ripe into him ha ha tell him what u 2 do when we not around is your business but u wont disrespect me by disrespecting my daugher in my presence

I have a husband who doesn't see anything wrong the way he speaks to me he cusses in my face F this F that calls me an ahole all the time but OMG hell breaks lose when I have a crappy tone in my voice I have yelled at him when he speaks to me this way I ask him do u not see that your speaking this way to me he is so blinded by it it's his anger and frustration but I need him to see it that it is wrong it hurts just becasue it's just words.I have explained to my mom how he is but she is blinded by it everyobne see's him as a back breaker yes he is he'll do anything to help a person family member friend but as his wife he speaks to me like this I have heard him on the phone with coworkers if I were to be a boss I would never put up with that kind of language spoken to me I can't wait till the day he get's fired from a job for speaking that way.He thinks there is nothing wrong with it.As a mother I would of stepped in nobody will ever speak down to my kids as a kid or an adult ever.This may ultimately cause for a divorce

You are right to be protective but be careful, you don't want to estrange her. My first question to you would be, does she seem otherwise happy with her marriage and life? Was that a particularly difficult/ stressful time? Did she respond like it's a common thing? Was her father verbally abusive to your or her as a child? If so, it may be something that she doesn't pay much attention to as a result. Almost as if it's expected and just defends herself and carries on with life.

My advice would be to not estrange her. Don't put her in the position of defending her husband. IF you do, she likely won't come to you for help. Just let her know that you care about her. Maybe take her out for a Mother- Daughter day and see if she opens up. IF not, let her be. She will know that you are there and come to you if and when she needs you. Having the Mother-Daughter day will remind her that you are there for her and she can count on you.

That's my advice. I grew up with an abusive father. He was abusive to me and my Mom. My husband, while awesome, used to have a short fuse (especially when my parents were here) and they would come to me or confront him with his short fuse and it made things so much worse. Now, they would be the last people that I would go to if my marriage was in trouble. You don't want that.

I hope this helps. It's good that you posted this question. This is definitely an area to tread lightly on and other Mom's advice is always good. :)

Take care.
N.

As a mother, it is hard not to want to protect your child, even if they are grown. I believe the key is balance and not approaching it in a judgemental way. I think what others have posted is correct- about approaching her without the SIL and not coming with the tone of "look...I want to talk to you about something." The truth is you are concerned and I believe if that sentiment is expressed, then the concern is what will prevail. But, if you get the sense that she doesn't want to go there or have the conversation with you, let it go and simply let her know you are there for her.

I would also be careful not to speak poorly of her husband or say anything that seems as though you are judging him. Honestly, if you are able to have a conversation, I would let her know that since he is part of the family that you care about him and are concerned for him as well (if that can be a true statement), while also letting her know that she will always be your first priority though. Basically, make it clear that you don't despise him because that will be important to her to know that even if something is going wrong, that you can see past it to still love him and receive him in the family, while at the same time making sure she and her children are safe and keeping them the priority. When I say "loving him" I don't mean letting her think what he did is okay...because the love can still be there while completely acknowledging that what someone has done is not healthy or acceptable.

As mothers we already know, mother's take on a lot of responsibility...she could feel guilty for being in that situation...allowing her children to see and experience that...choices made, etc. So, for that reason, I say to just listen and you will know what to do as the conversation takes place.

I hope the best for you, your daughter, and family.

ohhh. tough situation, and without having any first-hand experience, i will still say, i don't think i would have been able to hold my tongue. she is your daughter before she is his wife. i would have probably said something to him directly, like if you're doing/saying this in front of us, i don't want to know what goes on behind doors. or do i want to know.
now you're in a situation not face to face with your daughter. if he is being abusive to her you know she's in denial. do you have other children? is she close to other siblings?actually, nevermind. call her when you know he's not around and tell her you're scared about her and your grandchildren, and that if there is something going on out of ordinary she should know you're there for her any time of day or night. in meantime, plan a few more unexpected trips to their house. children need us for the rest of our lives. it is our right too to make sure they're safe.

After all your responses, which you have gotten many! I guess my concern is that most men that are verbally abusive are also physically abusives, because they think they have to have the control in the household. He might not have done it while u guys where there because he might have thought dear daddy would have whipped his butt! And your daughter might be keeping it from you because she is scared to tell you that her marriage isnt what it is supposed to be. My advice is to call her and tell her that you love her and tell her that you noticed what happened while u where there and didnt want to interrupt, put your door is always open to her and the granchildren. And say nothing else. As long as she knows she has an escape route, that is all she needs to know and it will make it easier for her and leave it at that!! Good Luck Mommy!

She has to be strong enough to speak up. If she's not, nothing you say or do will help. He may even get more abusive because you do speak up. He sounds like someone who needs to be in control, a MAN, if you know what I mean. Was with someone like that. Took yrs to figure out he was a jerk and it wasn't me.

I think your husbands right, it is her marriage, I would not get involved. It would be different if she wasn't an adult, or even if she wasn't married yet. But, she's married so you shouldn't say anything. You could cause a lot of marital problems if you get involved. You could, always just let her know you are there for her if she ever needs to talk to you. But even then, I would be really careful how much you listen to her. I think a lot of people make the mistake of running to their parents whenever they have a fight w/ their spuse, and then the parents get involved. I personally think it's disrespectful to your spouse to talk badly about them to anyone.

Is this unusual for her personality? If she was always quiet and he is picking at her be happy she does stand up for herself. Some people like relationships like that, you and I do not. My sister insults her husband constantly and he snaps back, my other sister has to win all the time and my sister in laws husband picks on her, and she says snotty things back. To each his own. In a perfect worldwe would all have relationships like you and I teehee, but not everyone likes that. If the young man is rude to you, then you snap back, if your daughter says he is physically hurting her then you be there ready to catch her.She sounds like she is spunky and handling her own. Her tears horrify you because you want to save her. If you get a chance, ask her privately if she needs assistance to get out of the marriage. However as I said before sometimes that is the dynamics of some marriages and we do not understand it at all. My husband has a cousin who throws tacos at his wife and have been married thirty years. Go figure, I would have been gone the first.

Talk to your daughter, and see what she says about the relationship. Then you can go from there, and maybe suggest some help if she ask. You don't want to pry, but on the other hand "she is YOUR daughter" and like myself, I would want to protect her as well.

I would talk to your daughter to see if she is okay, looks like it is not. He is not only hurting your daughter, but your grandsons too. No one like to be verbally abused. :(

oh my gosh. i think you are me!! went to visit daughter out of state and couldn't believe how verbally abusive my son in law is to her and 3 grandsons. my husband also doesn't get involved. i also don't know what to do. i have done much internet research and most experts say you need to let her know your there for her!! oh that really makes it better for my poor grandsons who are being abused. i'm beside myself. i see your post was over a year ago. how has things changed or stayed the same. how have you dealt with it?