Vasectomy Regrets

I understand that you're upset, if you're definitely wanting more babies, however, maybe I can make you understand his side a little to make your feelings towards him become a little more accepting.

In many marriages I am personally friends with the wife in, the wife wants multiple children. It seems to me like once a woman becomes a mother, a lot of them "need" to be a mother. I truly think it's because many women are unfulfilled in their lives outside of motherhood and being a mother gives them a definitive purpose and makes them feel very needed and important. The women I know that want lots of children and their husbands don't definitely take on this role. Now, the husbands look at things logically, they look at finances, retiring, and having time with their wives to enjoy while they're still at an age where they can do so. Men are logical when it comes to having children, women are emotional. My husband is lucky, I looked at motherhood as being logical, and out of all my girlfriends and women family members, I only know of one other girl who does the same. I look at it like this, my husband and I have two children. I think two children is great for many reasons...First, they have a sibling to play with and be close to. Second, two isn't to the point where we won't be able to fully fund their college educations. I could go on and on, but it's pretty self explanatory. But I will say that when our youngest is 20, my husband will be 50, and I'll be 47, so we'll be young enough that we'll be able to travel and anything else we may find interesting. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mother. I stay at home with my kids and LOVE it. But I also look forward to down the road when I'll still be young and the kids are out on their own starting their own lives while me and their father travel the world and enjoy our retirement. My mother was a woman who couldn't stand the thought of being alone once her 3 kids were out of the house, so she decided when I was a freshman in high school, to have another child. Then, she had another one a year after I graduated! Now, she's 53, and although she loves her kids, she really regrets not thinking about these particular years when she made the decision to have kids later in life. She'll even admit to you that she didn't like the idea of being alone with no kids in the house. She's defined by being a mother, which is really sad because now, by the time she has no kids in the house, she's going to be 60, and not be able to enjoy herself because it's been very expensive to raise 5 children. My stepdad and her have no savings, only 401K's. They have two car payments and a house payment. Having kids their whole lives has been really expensive! So, I'll stop rambling now, but just think about ALL aspects of your life, not your life in motherhood, but YOU'RE life, as R., before you decide that him not wanting anymore children is such a selfish idea.

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Hi R.,

You do need to take care of yourself. It seems there are some very deep issues here; why did he go against your wishes, why was this not a joint decision, where did the communication break down, etc....

You are holding a great deal of anger about this. Do you have kids now? How many more did you want? Are there other things that are contributing to your anger about this? I can understand how you would feel betrayed, but I get the feeling this anger goes much much deeper.

I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling. If not as a couple, then on your own. If you can not deal with these feelings then it will damage the relationship severely.

Talk to your husband about it as well. Ask him why this was so important to him and help him understand why NOT getting it was so important to you.

I hope you can find one another again.

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Props to Julie in the previous post. I totally agree that people NEED to look at the practical side of things. Julie, you will have a wonderful life with your children AND when they are grown, you will be a wonderful grandma to their children. If your children do not decide to have children, you can help with Big Brother/Big Sister, help your friends with their children and grandchildren or you might not need more children in your life. It is worrisome when a couple cannot connect other than through their children.

Unfortunately, with so brief a message, it is difficult to understand your situation clearly. You were opposed to a vasectomy, and I am guessing it was because you did not want to lose the opportunity to have more children; however, your husband considered your feelings and thoughts and did freeze viable semen for the future. The unclear part is his reasons for wanting the vasectomy, how many children do you have, how many did you want to have, and are you financially able to support those children.

I suppose I view things a bit differently, but I would not be so apt to feel betrayed by this, because he obviously put some thought into your feelings. I would feel betrayed if he cheated, this is not nearly the same thing.

Last thing because you asked for help, if you continue to feel disgust toward your husband, have no love for him because of this incident, you are destined for divorce. Think long and hard on how you want to handle this situation, because this is a road that will inevitably wind up with more than the loss of future children, but for custody on the vials of semen.

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Hi R. your situation does not need children in it until you and your husband 'fall in love again'. This can happen I know. Like one of the other ladies after our 3rd child I went with my husband for a vasectomy and FREE is the best feeling when you already have the family you want AND love the person you are with. Counseling can help but when we did have a huge problem in our mariage I went to GOD and HE brought us back together. Learn to love your husband all over again before you use the vials. You didn't say why you two could not come to the same answer nor if you already have children??? I can not imagine loving someone enough to marry them and immediately say you have no love for him. In our situation it was a serious happening but in a couple months we will be happily married 50 years. Hang in there if you want it to happen HE will help.

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I am concerned about your comment about not having love for your husband. Love does not turn off that easy if it was there in the beginning. It sounds like your relationship was rocky before otherwise there would have been communication there already. It sounds like you do need some counseling to work through all the unspoken feelings and emotions. It would not be wise to bring kids into a situation like that. If he won't go to counseling you should. There is something obviously that you need to work through for yourself to respond as strongly as you have. I do feel sorry for you because there is trust missing in your relationship. You both need to work on your relationship ASAP otherwise I don;t see a good outcome. If there is someone you trust at your church that is where I would begin. Only with God can relationships be repaired properly.

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R.,
Do you have Children already?
If you do perhaps he thinks that you have enough children. Could it be that your husband has found out he has some kind of illness and hasn't told you yet? Freezing his semen is a act of love so that you could some day have his child. He really could be looking out for you and your needs by doing this if he is ill. The two of you really need to get on the same page and discuss what is really going on. Most Dr.s will not preform a Vasectomy with out the wifes concent. My heart goes out to you but you should really talk about it and forgive him. May your disgust turn to love and understanding.

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Hi R.,
Are you sure you're not just angry instead of not feeling love? It's his body & he even saved semen!! There must be something else going on for you to suddenly fall out of love with him.

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I'm not sure what to say. It's not a decision he should have made without you anymore than you should get pregnant without his agreement, but what's done is done and if he really didn't want any more children, it was certainly the way to go. You should probably seek counseling both together and by yourself, to get past what happened and address his lack of partnership in permanent family decisions.

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R.,
You sound very distraught over this and time will not make it any better. I recommend you see a counselor that can help you through this issue so you may heal and grow together through this experience. There may be more at hand than feeling betrayed by the vasectomy but the vasectomy brought the multitude of feelings to the surface. Please get professional help.

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I am going to pose this to you hypothetically and I want you to consider it very closely.
You get married on 9/11 and a week later you find out he is sterile and can never father any children. There are no vials of viable semen available.
Do you now feel no love for your husband? Do you now feel betrayed by him?
There are serious reasons he felt the need for a vasectomy. I am sure you discussed them at great length. Was his decision made to force you into accepting his action to prove that he has control of at least one aspect of his life? Does he feel this is the only area he can control? Does he bow to over 90% of your married life decisions to what you want? Is he challenging you to accept him as an individual with rights of his own?
I don't know the intimate details of your lives, I don't want to know them. I just want you to seriously consider the hypothetical statement at the first of this blog and then seriously consider the other questions.
If you don't think marriage counseling is needed and you are unable to come to grips with your own feelings it may be time for the two of you to move on separately with your lives.

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R.,

I guess I'm wondering his reasoning. And then his reasoning why he completely ignored your pleas. Is he totally without compassion and kindness for your feelings or is there a reason he would do such a thing against your wishes.

Although the possibility of reversal is an option - especially since you've got those vials, the finality of a vasectomy is a once in a lifetime thing. Why would he do it?

Without any further information, my advice to you is to tell him the two of you must see a counselor to get through this. You need to be able to grieve and he needs to be able to see the effects of his actions. If he can't see the necessity, you should go yourself. You haven't lost a child due to his operation, but you've lost the possibility of a child. You need to give yourself time to grieve.

Please take special care of you,
J.

I am really surprised at the women that are attacking you for feeling upset and betrayed. I can't believe that other women would react that way! How horrible! With that said...I would be FURIOUS! A vasectomy is something that should be decided as a couple. You wouldn't go have a tubal with out taking his feelings into account! I don't know that seeing him as damaged goods is particularly fair though. Is it possible that those feeling are coming out of the anger and frustration that you have towards him? I really think you guys needs to seek some outside counseling. It sounds to me like there may be some underlying issues to his decision and the fact that he completely disregarded your feelings. If my husband had a vasectomy done when I was vehemently opposed to it (as you were), I don't know what I would do! Good luck to you R.! I'll be keeping you guys in my prayers. Let me know what happens :)

Sterile or not he is still the same person, he still loves you, he still is already a father of your two children. We, women, feel so quick to claim that it's up to us to decide when we will have our children, because it is our body, but tend to forget that our partners have the same right in regards to their body.

I think you two need to get into marriage counseling FAST. He should have considered your feelings, and it is really strange to me that he wasn't willing to pause, to put it off for a little while until you were more comfortable with the idea. It does seem as though he valued your feelings less than his own convenience, and I would also feel very hurt and angry. However, I'm also bothered that you say you no longer feel any love at all for him because of this. Assuming that your relationship was fine before this happened, then it's as if you're assigning no value to all the years you've been together, and the two children he already had with you. There's something wrong, there, too. I am not qualified to help you work out an issue so major, and I doubt anyone on here is. I would tell your husband that you feel betrayed, whether its right or wrong, and that you two need the help of a professional to work through these feelings.

If all else fails, try to remember that many Vasectomies can be reversed. Best of luck to you both.

My husband had a vasectomy after we both agreed it was time. It was a very freeing thing for us, but we made the decision together and after three children. I don't understand how your husband could do this without your approval, and our doctor would not do it to a married man unless the wife gave her consent. Do you have children? I think a counselor would really help you both.

R., I am sorry that you are so angry at your husband, hopefully your lack of love for him, is just a passing phase and that your feelings will change again to loving him. You did say that you already have four kids. Were the two children with your husband, planned or unplanned? Was it a situation where you decided that you wanted more kids and had them regardless of his objections, or did both of you decide that you wanted to get pregnant and went ahead and had your two little ones? Just like you having control over your body, he has the same rights. Please don't be so angry at him. This may be the only aspect of birthcontrol that he has control over. After all, you did have two babies, together, and he unselfishly secured viable semen for future, if you (together) both decide to have more kids. This way, he, perhaps has a say in getting pregnant, the next time around. We, as women, are so quick to anger because of not getting what we want. We sometime forget the feelings of our mates. He did not deny you the joy of being a mother. You are a mother, four times over. He, perhaps, wants to be able to be part of the planning process if, and when another baby comes along. Love him for his thoughtfulness.

Not to sound harsh but GET OVER IT
You have no idea how fortunate you are!
He loves you, he is alive. You are not showing any consideration to him or his thougths. Life can not always be about you
Think about the wives that lost their husband that day. You still have yours
Think about the wives who have lost their husbands in war. Do you think any of them had a choice?
You are being petty and inconsiderate. I understand he hurt your feelings. Sounds like you are hurting his now.
GET OVER IT
I am sure he could find someone else who does not consider him damaged goods.
He is still the man you married and said vows with. The man who you said for better or for worse.
Sorry I am not very compassionate.
My husband is dying of cancer, but i don't consider him damaged goods. I am blessed to have him just as you are.
Wipe your face, put on a smile and count your blessings,
Perhaps he would not have sexual dysfunction if he felt like you still thougth he was a man.
Please open your eyes, and your heart and see that you are NOT looking at the whole picture.

that is a big decision that should have been made mutually. i went through the same situation. i am so sorry for you. Unfortunately, my situation also had a ton of other problems and ended in divorce. i hope everything works out for you. good luck.