Vacation Time Spent w/Stepson

I have never been in this situation but is there a way to have a happy medium. Maybe one day for each child alone time with just you doing something fun and then things together the other days and if the 12yrs old cant behave he cant join the fun. Maybe the 12yr old needs that alone time with you so that he can see you still love him to and you guys can do fun things without all the rules and nagging (not being rude but I know I nag my 3 and 4yr olds to do normal daily things) It is sad that his bio mom doesnt want to spend time with him on his vacation and he knows it to. Good Luck trying to work something out.

I'm sorry, but I think you guys need to get into family counseling and couples counseling respectively as soon as possible. That 12 year old boy is not to blame for anything that's going on. He's at an age where he's testing his boundaries for his parents anyway... ALL of his parents and that includes you. He's had his own bio mom cast him aside for her own selfish reasons, and it looks like now that things are difficult AND you have a bio child of your own, he's no longer worth the effort of you being a good mother to him (from his point of view, this is exactly how he'll see it). He's still part of the family, and I'm just... I'm shocked and dismayed that a boy you've claimed you've mothered since he was a baby is someone you could so easily push aside on a family vacation because he's acting like a 12 year old boy.

Believe me, I know how tough kids this age can be. My eldest is 10 years old and her behavior and attitude can leave a lot to be desired. A child at this age doesn't need a parent or step-parent whispering in their ear about who they do or don't need to listen to in order to act up. It's built into their DNA. It's our job to tough it out.

What you need is your husband's support, and not to throw this little boy away because right now you don't like how he's behaving. Set boundaries and house rules and be consistent with them, and get your husband on board with it. Get into marriage counseling. Get the whole family into counseling. Get that boy into some counseling. Show him that you're still there for him, you still love him, and he's still part of the family. Be consistent with rules and consequences and be respectful. Be clear about the rules.

1. Everyone must be respectful.
2. There will be no cussing.
3. There will be turn taking during discussions.
4. There will not be shouting during discussions.

etc, etc. And everyone in the house must follow the rules of respect. Then you can have another set of rules for spending time together as a family and set aside time each day for talking together and having supper together. Set aside time each week for a family meeting. Include him in decisions where it makes sense to include him. But mostly, stop blaming him and making it so much about you against him. You're the adult. You HAVE to be patient. He's still learning. And you owe it to him.

Family counseling, and possibly individual counseling for yourself. Sounds like you are very angry at your husband, his son, the mother of his son.... figure out what you want, what sorts of boundaries you need, and how to communicate with your husband. You need to figure out what sort of relationship you want to have with your stepson, too.

I'm sorry....this is your child. You have cared for him since he was a toddler. No other info in your post is important except the fact that you basically want to ditch him now that he's 12, adolescent, etc. Guess what? Your 4 yo is going to be the SAME WAY when he hits his teens. They all are to O. degree or another.

Sorry, I always prefer INCLUSION over EXCLUSION and you seem to be being really mean. If you're so sure you're "right", then why is it so hard for you to tell him to his face that you don't want to care for him that week?

I think it is reasonable to want some alone time with you little one but it is also not unreasonable to expect if you are off with one that you could spend at least some of that time with the older son too....I get that he's your step-son but as I have said many times any step-parent who doesn't consider their spouses kids as their own have no business being a step-parent.

**I am not saying you don't I am just saying that by insisting that you won't spend that week with him you have singled him out as "not yours" because if he was, difficult or not, you would not refuse to spend the time with him you would just deal with the situation.

Could you maybe spend Monday with both, let him spend some time w/ grandparents a day or two, time w/ a friend one day, and then spend Friday with both again (or let you little one spend time w/ inlaws and you spend some quality time with the older one)?

Some of it sounds like typical pre-teen/teen behavior. And some of it sounds like an overworked woman who just needs a break. My own mom sent me to my grandmother's when I was 16 because I drove her up the wall.

I would talk to your DH again about how you need support and if it is not possible for the child's mother to take him for the week or part of the week, what other arrangements could be made? You have a lot with the ILs, the little one and a surly 12 yr old? I would have asked, too.

I think it is quite reasonable to not want your step-son with you during spring break. I also think your husband is being passive-aggressive which feels much like bullying to me. I say stick to your decision.

I suggest you're lacking the ability to follow thru. For example, he didn't put his dishes in the dish washer. Sounds like he didn't have a consequence. In order to get children to obey you have to be consistent in giving consequences. I suggest that you read one of the Love and Logic books by Foster Cline and -------. I think they have info on their web site too.

I suggest that it will help if you do some reading and then planning on how you're going to parent. It would be best if you got your husband to work on this with you. Take a parenting class. Many hospitals have them for a nominal fee. Others are also available in the community. I suggest googling parenting classes and your city name.

I suggest that the first thing you need to do is stop trying to please everybody. You parent the way you think is best. The others aren't parenting so find a way to shut out their comments. I include your husband in the group that isn't helping.

Back to Spring break. If your husband doesn't find anyone that his son can stay with I suggest that you walk out the door with your little one and leave him at home. Will you husband think that's appropriate? Or will he then find someone who will take him?

Twelve is usually OK to stay at home alone but I wouldn't leave a problem child at home alone. Tell you husband your plan ahead of time so that he does have an opportunity to prevent it. But if he doesn't then do it. Follow through!

I would be feeling similar to the way you feel. I had a difficult foster daughter. I got back into counseling and the two of us went to a counselor. It helped a lot. Even if your husband won't go, you make an appointment with a counselor who specializes in preteen and teen issues.

You must find help now before your step-son gets any older. Life can be a nightmare with an out of control teen.

Another idea is to tell your husband that you won't parent at all. Experts do recommend that the birth parent do the disciplining. There are some good books on getting along with step-children. Then you back off. Ask your husband to make a list of the rules he thinks are important and the consequences for breaking the rules. Tell him that you'll leave enforcing those rules up to him.

I was also a step-mother with a passive aggressive husband. He had no rules. Boy was 6 and wasn't required to bathe, brush teeth, change clothes. There were no rules. His father thought I was too h*** o* him. His father and I did go for counseling and with the counselor's help made a list of rules and consequences. His father still didn't enforce rules and his son rebelled against my enforcing them. I worked on the marriage which included working on getting along with the son for several years. We are now divorced. My ex's inability to step up and be a parent was our primary difficulty.

Do not let this situation continue. Find a way to make changes. The only one you can change is yourself. Others will react to your way of treating them and possibly make changes in themselves. I suggest that with firm and consistent parenting your step-son will be OK. That does mean that your husband has to be on board.

I also believe that you need professional help to make these changes. I urge you to get some counseling. You've tried, by yourself, long enough. You sound like you're at your wit's end and cannot continue in this way. So you be the catalyst that starts a change.

I agree with much of what JessicaWessica says. I'm suggesting that you need a break so that you can come back to the situation better rested. I didn't mention boundaries and I think boundaries are an issue with you. I had to learn about boundaries when I was a foster mother. The concept is complicated. Many of us don't learn how to make boundaries as children.

You are stating a boundary when you say you want your step-son to stay somewhere else for spring break. I think it's a reasonable boundary as well as a consequence for disobeying and arguing with you.

For me what comes thru very clearly in your post is that you don't have some specific rules and there are no or few consequences. You're fighting with your husband which make your effort towards teaching rules ineffective. When he said no, he was being disrespectful. His father didn't intervene which left you feeling helpless. Get some counseling so that you can deal with the situation in a reasonable way. Couples counseling is the best but if he won't go, you go to learn how to deal with a passive aggressive husband.

As a stepmother and a mother, I can really relate. I think you need support from your husband, who has abdicated all of his parental authority. He doesn't sound like he supports your disciplinary style but doesn't impose his own either. You both need to be on the same page as far as the older boy is concerned. The younger boy too. You feel that your husband has pretty much "chosen" his first son and has rejected his 2nd.

The boy's mother is also setting you up to fail by trying to undermine your authority. The stepchild is confused. He has also probably felt rejected by his mother because she has chosen her life over him. He wants to be accepted by her, naturally. She's making him feel bad about his current situation with you.

His behavior comes from a combination of being rebellious as he approaches his teen years, to be rejected by his mother, to (perhaps) seeing his father not engage with the younger child therefore worrying that his father will ultimately reject him as well, and to now feeling that you are rejecting him because you don't want him with you either. His mother backs out taking him, and now you are trying to find someone who will tolerate him (grandparents). He's really stuck. I know his behavior is difficult for you - the public anger is a lot more problematic than the laundry & dishes - but try to see it from his side. No one wants him. His behavior may be a way to test the love of the family - "How bad can I be and have them still love and keep me?"

The big problem is your husband - he has put you in an impossible situation and instead of helping you, he's now making it worse when you have come to this crossroads. This is the time for him to decide he's a father.

The ultimate issue is what you say in the middle of your post - you are trying to please everyone else. So everyone knows you are the go-to person, the person who can be guilt-tripped and manipulated, allowed to flounder in frustration and disrespect, and you are worn out. Your stepson might respect you more if your husband did. Your husband is the most powerful role model in his life (same sex parent) and he's showing his son the wrong way to be a loving family member.

Until everyone has the same behavior standards for this stepson and until he truly feels part of a family (not by being catered to, but not by being rejected by everyone), this situation will not be resolved.

Yes, it's ok to say NO, and you should continue to do so. You are not "mommy" as you stated, he has a mommy. His mommy and daddy need to start taking responsibility.

Why can't you spend time with your 4yo son and your husband actually do something and spend time with the older son? No offense, but your husband sounds like he's on the opposite team a lot of times when he should be on your team (talking about his ex and in laws, not the kids).

My friend has 2 biological sons (2 and 4) and she has her mom take her 4yr old one day and spend the day with her 2yr old all day and then vice versa the next day every now and then. It gives her one on one quality time with each of her children... a day that is all about him so you shouldn't feel guilty wanting to spend time with the 4yr old in a peaceful environment.

I agree with Marda P too, there has to be punishments for that kind of disrespect to you and your husband needs to get with the program and discipline too... discipline doesn't mean harsh so it's not like he has to be a meany or anything, just fair. I agree with Marda on everything she says... my parents didn't require me to take baths or brush my teeth and i didn't know any better. When I met one of my friends I found out your supposed to do that kind of stuff, well needless to say my teeth were yellow and I got made fun of for it... rules set kids up for success as long as they make sense.

You should see if your step sons mom will take your husband back too! What a creep! And the poor kid caught in the middle - probably would not have thought any thing of it had it not been for your husband making a big deal of it. Sounds to me like they are all taking advantage of you. I don't think it's unreasonable for his mom to take him or even his dad to take some time off to spend alone with him. That might even help settle him down a bit. Good luck.

He sounds like a normal pre-teen to me. Actually he sounds like my 4y daughter!!

I feel that everyone should be invited to participate in outings. Purposely leaving someone out just causes hurt feelings.When there is something that I want to take my 4y daughter to, I KNOW my 9y son will want to be included. So I tell him the guidelines up front.

We are going to see the circus. I will decide when we leave. If you think you'll be bored, please stay home because we WILL be there for 2 hours. If you are going to beg for this and that, please stay home. You may be allowed to get something as we are leaving, but not during the show. Don't ask. We can get lunch, but you will NOT be getting four snacks/desserts/drinks. If you want to come, great. If you want to stay home, I will call Grandma to see if she can hang out with you...

Same goes for daughter when we are doing something for my son.

Since both boys will be on vacation the same week, my suggestion is to alternate activity days.

M.