Urgh, My Husband and I Cannot See Eye to Eye

Cancel the cable to the TV.

9 moms found this helpful

Statistically, women who work outside of the home are still responsible for 80 percent of the domestic duties and childrearing responsibilities. That is, in my mind, a total bummer.

Why is your hour less valuable than his? Why are you the default parent/chief of home? How is he doing YOU a favor by hanging with HIS (and your) children?

Nah, I don't think you're being hormonal and unreasonable. I think your husband is acting like an entitled boob.

9 moms found this helpful

As long as you allow yourself to be there servant they will continue to treat you as their servant. If the house does not get clean because he helps then don't clean it. If dinner is not on the table due to him fixing it don't cook anything, let him cook it. The kids needs baths? let him do it, they need laundry done? let him rush around in the morning to find the kids underwear.

The world will not end because you decide to stop being their maid and servant. Just stop. Sit down and watch TV with him. When he asks why the kids arean't in bed tell him he can do it, they're his kids too. When they stay up all night a few times while You go to bed he'll get the idea.

When faced with the facts, men often figure out where they need to be to help.

BTW, it is much easier to go into an office and NOT work out of the home. At home the child takes all your time and then you do all the other stuff too> other working mom's know that if you're at the office no one is home making messes.

9 moms found this helpful

When we vent to another person all they hear is the emotion. They feel attacked and instead of supporting you they attack back. Take enough time to cool off before you try bringing up this subject again. Then talk with him in a calm, rational voice, using I statements, tell him what you do and how you feel. Ask him for his help without criticizing him for not helping. Find ways to praise him every time he does one little thing. Give him hugs. Build up his ego.

Choose one area, such as helping the kids with homework or doing the dishes on which to focus as a start. Sounds like you had a "kitchen sink" conversation. They are over whelming for everyone. Make your conversation simple.

Read about non-violent communication. It is a way of talk that allows both people to feel heard. It helps people work together to find solutions. There is a book entitle Non-violent Communication. Here is their web site. http://www.cnvc.org/about-us

He's been this way all of his life. The two of you have developed a way of interacting with each other that needs to change. It will take time for both of you to relax and find ways to work together. I suggest counseling, even if he won't go, will help.

7 moms found this helpful

No, you're not being hormonal. Yes, you had better keep your job.

Are you paying the bills from your salary? Stop paying them. Put your money in a separate account. When he starts screaming to high heaven, tell him that since he thinks that he is exempt from being a father to his children, that you are keeping your salary because it is payment for you being a mother to your children. Ignore everything he counters.

The only way you put your money towards any bill in the house is if he starts helping. Period. If you are the one who writes out the checks for the bills, no more. Hand the bills over to HIM. Otherwise, the bills don't get paid. You tell him point blank that he has 4-6 hours a night to do the paperwork, and you are still working. If he wants to go to bed to shirk THOSE responsibilities too, then he can just enjoy getting calls from creditors.

This is how to cope with your lazy husband who doesn't want to be bothered with his kids. When he finally (begrudgingly) sees the light, then you can start putting some of your hard earned dollars into the joint account to pay the bills.

D.

7 moms found this helpful

Whoa!!! Wow!!! It sounds like you may have another kid on your hand!

So treat him as such:

Disconnect the cable/video game system?
Make a list of chores that he must do before watching TV/playing video games.
Go on strike and don't clean for a few days.

When all else fails: counseling.

7 moms found this helpful

Your request is not unreasonable. But I wonder how you broached the subject. Did the hormonal aspect make you attack him? My husband is a pretty involved dad when it comes to the kids. When it comes to chores, not so much. So on those days when I need help, I can't just tell him things like "You need to do more." I have to ask him to do specific things. "Hey. I know you are trying to veg out over there, but I really need to you let our son read to you for a few minutes." Or whatever the chore may be. Being specific one thing at a time is a lot more effective than unleashing all my aggravation at once.

6 moms found this helpful

You are not being unreasonable.
On the off chance that he really does not get what your day entails, write it out for him, hour by hour, blow by blow.
For example:
7:30 - feed kids breakfast
8:00 wash breakfast dishes
8:00 - start a load of laundry and log in to work
8:00 - 12:00 work
12:00 - lunch and move laundry from washer to dryer
12:30 - 3:30 work until kids get home from school
3:30 - feed kids snack
3:45 - 5:30 help kids with homework, start dinner
6:00 - dinner
7:00 clean up kitchen, scrub bathrooms, fold laundry
9:00 - put kids to bed
9:30 - log back in to work
9:30 - 12:30 - work

6 moms found this helpful

When I went back to work in 2005, I told my husband that I was hiring someone to clean the house. There was no way I was going to spend the whole weeking cleaning after working 40+ hours. No way!!! At first, hubby was like "the kids and I will help"! After I was done laughing, I said "let me introduce you to your kids and you are never here"!!

In 2007 and 2010, I had back surgery. There is NO WAY I would bend over to scrub. We have had the same cleaning lady since 2005. I would be willing to give up one of my kids but NEVER her!!! =)

I feel for you. I have worked and been the first responder to family. My hubby travels all the time. I felt like a single mother many times and when he was home, he would try to change the schedule to fit him. He and I went round and round about that!

Find a quiet time and explain what exactly you need. Again, I would seriously consider hiring someone to clean. That would take alot off of you. Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful

Let him take care of the kids - breakfast thru bedtime for a day or two.

Worked wonders on Mrs. On Purpose! :)

6 moms found this helpful

If your job is mobile, something you do on a lap top rather than a PC then take your show on the road when he comes home. Go to the local library or coffee house to get your work done and leave him with the kids and the house. Make certain dinner is ready and just up and leave so you can get some things done. You may also consider getting a helper in to help your kids with their homework at least 2-3 days a week. A teen could be great for that and it wouldn't cost you that much but the time and peace you gain would be priceless. Same thing with cleaning the house, Look into getting a housekeeper for 1 or 2 days a week to do some very specific things around the house like sweeping, mopping, vaccuming, dusting, laundry, etc.

Things are such a fight because it seems like when he pushes back you just continue to work harder and he still gets to maintain his status quo of way too much down time.

I'm not a big fan of talking when I'm not being heard. I am a big fan of actions speaking louder than words. Another possible solution is to get your 4 year old in some kind of half day preschool situation which would also free up some time for you and help out too.

You do have control over the things you can control which is you and the kids schedules. You may consider taking them out of so many activities for about 3-4 months while you have to work even harder or longer than before.

Long story short I would show husband that he is no longer going to be a roommate or fixture on the couch in our home but an active parent around the house with the kids. I would show him this by any means necessary and let the chips fall where they may.

I hope this helps and hang in there.

6 moms found this helpful

I don't know. I was in a similar situation. I'm not sure what kept me from taking a hammer to the TV. Really. I asked him nicely, I asked him not so nicely, I divorced him eventually.

I don't have an answer for this one. Maybe counseling, maybe going on "strike". I have a friend who's mother put down the dish towel, left the house, and stayed gone for three days. When she came back, things changed...

5 moms found this helpful

Here's my thought. This is one of those topics that you need to revisit when things aren't tense at home. When you are tired and overwhelmed, it's probably not a great time because he won't hear what you are saying. He'll hear the frustration only. NOW, with that being said, perhaps it's a good thing that you did say something while you are frustrated. Sometimes it's good for them to hear how you are feeling exactly. But, now, at this point, I would wait until you are feeling a bit better and then talk with him about it again. Maybe discuss it in terms of what you think would be helpful to you. Acknowledge that you know how hard you both work but that you think it would be extra help for you if he can spend an hour per night with them.

5 moms found this helpful

I don't think that people fully understand how hard it is to work at home and care for the kids at the same time. It is like you are working 2 full time jobs at the same time. I work at home and my in laws would always criticize how awful the house looked. When, exactly, did they want me to do the housework when I do everything else. People think that working at home isn't really working, and I am guessing your husband feels that way too. My husband also works at home once a week, so he has a little taste of it, except that his way of handling it is different than mine--baby goes in her bouncer with TV on for most of the day while he does his work. He gets mad when she shrieks her displeasure. He doesn't understand why I can't do that. Can you leave hubby alone for a day with the kids so he gets it? I think that is the only way you will get him to turn around some.

5 moms found this helpful

Well I don't have the paid job in the mix, but I am a homeschooling mama and have three little dudes 5 and under so I feel your pain as far as the demanding workload raising young children is. I also totally get not feeling like you ever get to shut down bc darn it, those kids just want to eat every night!!!!! Tonight my hubs had to work so late, the baby had a stuffy nose and was cranky, the big boys forgot to not flush the toilet bc I needed to plunge it and flooded the bathroom and in the moment I was going to get towels they pulled too hard on the shower curtain and pulled it down and were both naked wet slippery little super excited wild children!!!! So sister, I do feel you! :) I do think your husband needs to engage more, but maybe there is other stuff going on. Maybe he doesn't understand why you feel the need to run around all night, maybe he wishes you would just sit down and chill etc. Not saying you are wrong, only that people especially men and women see things so differently! I finally picked up that book The Five Love Languages, don't know if you have heard of it, and MAN was it enlightening! Now that I know my language I can see why certain things just don't sit well with me at all, but I also realize that his language is different so some of the ways he does things are really meant to be helpful, but WOW they don't come across like that. So anyway, maybe check out that book. I am just sort of getting into it, but already I see improvement and I am going to ask my husband to take the test this weekend so I can read all about him and ask him to read my language. I have seen already that when everybody feels misunderstood, unappreciated and worst of all unloved, nothing good happens. I think the chore problems are probably a symptom of a greater communication break down and as that gets resolved things can get better. Hang in there!!!

5 moms found this helpful

Aw honey scheduling is the key to my happiness and when the house gets to me I leave & go someplace with the kids. I was here not to long ago and could go on and on about what worked for me (inbox me we can chat) but my bottom line was KISS (keep it simple stupid) from easy dinners to hanging up a routine that included mommy downtime to including EVERYONE in keeping the house up. I am much happier with my husband & I am not frustrated at my children good luck

4 moms found this helpful

Unfortunately women are usually the most put upon parent.
What you need to do is incorporate him into the after work rituals without him knowing that you are making him part of it.
If you are "unavailable", like running to the grocery store for instance, he will be home with the children and will have to participate because the kids (you know) will demand it from him.
The best thing we can do for our kid's dads is leaving them home alone together long enough for diapers to be changed, games to be played, lunches to be fixed, etc. Dads can do it, but most wont offer if mom is going to do it all.
Give yourself a break, stop feeling like you have to entertain everything... have the kids take their homework in where dad is and do it next to dad...
Incorporate him, make him feel "worthy"...
Lots of times men think they arent going to do things right or they get reprimanded by mom when they didnt do something to her standard. We have to let them do things their way, and let them have some control over the kids. Otherwise they leave it ALL up to us.

4 moms found this helpful

Second time you posted kind of the same question. With all the helpful information you got the first time around I would think you'd have figured out something to work for your family.

You and your husband are both working full time. You work 7 hrs and have flexibility to do family stuff. Your husband works 8 hrs with additional time added in for commuting so let's say your husband's time for work is 9 hrs (30 minute drive each way) with no flexibility. At this point you are devoting 7 hr to your husband's 9 hrs a day to work related stuff. That's the nuts and bolts of the deal right now.

But this isn't about work or hours at all. It's about figuring out how to meet the needs of your children and run the household so that it doesn't all fall on your shoulders. My daughter and son in law are having the same issues because sil feels that since my daughter is home more she should do more.

What you need to do is to stop asking him to do more around the house. Instead draw up a list of things that happen every week needing attention. Scout meeting, dance lessons, after school clubs, homework, chores, etc. Write it all down on a large paper and get the family together to talk about how it's all going to be done. Work with your hubby to figure out how to get everything completed so everyone is on the same plan. Your kids are old enough to have chores on a daily basis to pitch in and help out. Right now you are trying to get your way in the matter but you should be trying to work with your family to solve these issues.

4 moms found this helpful

I have no idea if this would work, but in our house, this scenario has popped up more than once. After I take a few deep breaths and decide that killing him is not an option, I'll decide to use humor and a few incentives to get him moving again.

When hubby starts assuming that I'll do all the work, I remind him that if I've done nothing but housework and kid care from sun-up until bedtime, I'll be too tired for, ahem, "playing." Then I tell him that in my mind, a man washing the dishes and putting the kids to bed while I have a relaxing bubble bath is considered foreplay. He usually gets the hint. ;-)

4 moms found this helpful

You are "still on the clock" as a mom? Wow, when did being a mother become a chore?!

I don't think your husband understands what you go through on a daily basis. I bet he is probably even a little bit jealous that you stay home with the kids. Try this, do nothing. Don't clean. Take care of the kids and their needs, their clothing and things. But don't even try to clean. Just go on an all out strike. And see how he likes living in a dirty home.

This is not something to get divorced over. Seek counseling. Get out more. Being inside closed walls will drive you insane!! I know! I take online courses everyday and I am about to go mad!

Good luck

4 moms found this helpful

I feel really sorry for you. My husband grew up with a single working mother and he knows that he needs to help out around the house. I used to have Fridays off to do cleaning/laundry/whatever and now I work full time. I told him today that I was feeling overwhelmed by the house and he cleaned the bathrooms while I took the kiddo to the comic book store.

Your husband needs to man up. Make a schedule (it helps me to know what chores I'm doing after work, like bathrooms one night, kitchen another, etc.) If I cook, he does dishes, if he cooks, I do dishes. Whoever gets home first cooks, but in your case that wouldn't work because you're always home.

It is unreasonable to expect him to do chores until he goes to bed. We do chores until our daughter goes to bed (about 7:30, she's 5). After she's in bed it's fair game for fun time. I usually watch a movie or tv show while reading and the hubby plays Star Wars online with his brother and friend. Everyone gets to play and we both get to spend time with our daughter.

Granted, I still do most of the chores, but when I'm overwhelmed, he steps up.

3 moms found this helpful

I WAH and when my DH was getting snotty about what didn't get done, I started keeping a list of everything I did. Every potty trip, every phone call (including his), every time I had to clean up cat puke, etc. Everything. He didn't like it. I said I didn't like being treated like I do nothing. Every job ebbs and flows. If he cannot sometimes step up for his family and children, as a husband and father, then you have bigger issues than just work. It's not about how long he plays video games. It's about how during the prime time at night you need more help, please! So what is he willing to do if he's not willing to interact with his children? Will he do dishes (even if it's not done early in the night, he can still do them before bed)?

So I'd sit down and lay out alllll that needs to be done in a day. I would say that right now you need help with his home and his children. What is he willing to help with? You might also say, "DH, I'm not trying to shove the kids off on you. They genuinely miss and need their dad. It would mean a lot to them if they got to do x or y with you before they go to bed." Maybe appeal to him that way. I love watching DH and DD together. They have their things that they do together and it's so special.

3 moms found this helpful

The rule in our house has always been, no R&R until the kids are in bed, for either of us.

Now that he helped out to your satisfaction one night, praise him for his efforts (I hate to make it sound like he's a dog, but he does need a little help under the guise of "praise" if this is going to work) and every night, EVERY NIGHT, you run that household like a tight ship. Tell him what to do and where to go until he does it without being asked. No tv, that has to stop right away. Unless you want a child instead of a husband.

One thing my husband has always done is cook whenever I didn't want to. It's been his saving grace over the years. Find one thing he does non-grudgingly and encourage him to do it every day. I agree that you've allowed this behavior, but he's also taking advantage, as if a grown man can't see for himself what needs to be done around his own house.

3 moms found this helpful

If I worked outside of the home, I would have written your post. This is why I refuse to get a job.

My hat goes off to you and you have all of my admiration:) I suggest that you show your husband the responses that you get on this post.

From what I read, it doesn't sound like your husband is willing to compromise. With that being said, he has to realize a few things:

1. You are resentful because you are burnt out. Eventually something will have to change, i.e., he may be looking at a divorce.

2. If you quit your job, than he may have to work longer or harder to compensate for the lost income.

I don't know...but, I hope things change for you for the better. Have you ever considered hiring someone to come in and do the housekeeping at least once every two weeks? Some help is better than no help.

3 moms found this helpful

You mention homework so I'm guessing your children may be in the age 4 to 10 range. So has this been going on for 7 years? What's changed recently other than your requirement to work extra hours? Has he ever helped out with the clearning and kids in the evening?

I don't think your being unreasonable in asking him to help out. However, if he's been in the same routine for many years and now your expecting him to change, it's not going to happen.

Not that you should have to, but did you thank him for helping out? Did you point out the results of his helping you? Maybe you could make this an opportunity to discuss the situation with him and try to work out a type of schedule where he does help out each evening for an hour or so, or he does one specific chore, like homework.

3 moms found this helpful

Well, if you've been doing it all for X number of years, it's probably a reaction of "why are you springing this on me now?" It's not an unreasonable request, but perhaps the timing/wording was off.

Just like you, he does need down time. He just makes time for it at the expense of everything else. This used to be the case for us, but now our standing rule at our house is that he has his free time after the kids go to bed. Right now we split bedtime duties. We bathe the girls (3yrs and 13 months) together. He gets the older one ready for bed (change into jammies, dry hair, story, prayers, etc) and I take the younger one. Would something like that work for you?

We both work from home, BUT our oldest goes to preschool/daycare and we have a nanny for the younger one. Neither of our jobs allow us to have time to care for a child while we are working. It sounds like he wants your role to be a home maker, where you take on the bulk of the house/child duties. This, however, should not mean that he NEVER has to help out.

Even if he helped grudgingly, thank him. Yes, I know you shouldn't have to thank someone for doing something they should be doing anyway. But thank him anyway. Make him feel appreciated...it usually paves the way for him wanting to do more.

3 moms found this helpful

I think you're being totally, completely reasonable. Unfortunately, I just don't have any suggestions for you, since ... you're right! And I don't know any way to make him see reason. Divorce might be a big step at this point (and won't lighten your workload), but at the very least, I'd recommend couples counseling and more couples counseling.

3 moms found this helpful

ooooo. don't like his response at all. he sounds very entitled and pretty immature.
you don't sound hormonal to me at all. you sound overwhelmed and very stressed, as most single parents do. and that's pretty much what you are.
i sure hope he revises this attitude.
:( khairete
S.

3 moms found this helpful

I cannot for the life of me understand how some men (like your DH) can do what they do and not realize how wrong they are. He is completely taking advantage of you. I do wonder if the way you are telling him is faulty. My suggestion is that you need to tell him in a serious and businesslike manner-look him straight in the eye and tell him that things are going to change. Do not whine, do not raise your voice and do not take a nagging tone. When he gives you the BS like he did you have to get tough and look him in the eye and tell him that this is NOT how its going to be. TEll him he is crazy if he thinks that it is OK to be a loser and watch TV all night while you go insane taking care of everything else. And you can also tell him that only pussy men act like that. Real men are real partners in a marriage and are real parents to their children. The way he is now is like he is another child who happens to bring in an income. Don't stand for it anymore. People can only take advantage ofyou if you let them.
Lastly-think about hiring a cleaning lady with some of your income-you deserve it. This will also show him how serious you are about not standing for it anymore.

3 moms found this helpful

Why can't he clear the table and place the dishes in the dishwasher.. then bathe the kids.. You put them to bed?

Or swap it around..

Also do a load of laundry in the morning throw the load in the dryer.. and at night your husband can fold and put away the load..

He needs to step up.. way to make him understand is to each day, write down everything you do.. On a legal pad.. Then write down his day.. Include his day job..

Then put them side by side. and let him take a look at it..

IF he refuses to help.. Hire someone to come and take care of the house 4 hours a week,

There is no reason you should be expected to do all of this work, house keeping and childcare all by yourself..

They are his children too.

3 moms found this helpful

I think what you need to do is take some time when you are not upset and kind of make a list of thing you need to work out with him. Not to show him or anything, just to get it clear in your mind. Then, sometime when the kids are in bed or otherwise busy, talk to him calmly about everything that needs to happen. Talk about how the two of you are a team and you need him to be with you on these things.

My husband and I both work full-time. I work 4 days a week, so my days are longer, and he's had to step up to the plate. That has helped him to understand a bit more what it's really like. Perhaps you could do a couple of "girls night out" evenings, so that he has a better idea of how much work it is.

When I started working full-time, at first my husband switched back and forth between "Taking care of the kids is easy, and I can do laundry and dishes at the same time and why couldn't you?" and "When the hell are you coming home? I'm doing so much work around here and all you do is tutor math and hang out with college students." I had the summer off, so he's just getting back into the routine and is starting to remember how exhausting it can be.

I'm off on Fridays, and he often asks me why I don't get more done of Fridays. To be honest, I also sometimes wonder where the day goes. Both kids are in school, why don't I get more done? Well, there are doctor's appointments, and errands to run (without kids is nice) and volunteering at the school (since it's the only day I can) and papers to grade and lessons to work through and ... is it dinner time already?

Talk to him calmly about this when you're not upset. Remind him that you need him and that it would really feel good to do this together. It might take some time, but I bet you'll see him step up a bit more.

3 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry he can be such a jerk about helping out with... life. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Can you simply tell the kids to "go ask daddy to help you with your homework." Or "go ask daddy to read, play, etc." This way YOU don't have to ask or start a fight. Is he going to tell the kids no? He helped make these kids, he needs to help in taking care of them too.

Also, don't be afraid to get your kids to help around the house too. They help make the messes and they are old enough to have some responsibility in cleaning up after themselves. Make a simple chore chart of things they need to accomplish each day. This will help to lessen your load of chores. The house may not be perfect but don't stress over it, it's not worth it.

2 moms found this helpful

My husband and I both work full-time jobs and have 3 kids very active in sports. The difference between my hubby and I (now that I am done with my MBA), is that he has a 2 hour commute and I do not. So while I do "more" at home, I am home by 345 each day, he varies between 530 and 7 depending on when he leaves work and traffic.

However, last night my husband got home about 6, went out to cut the crass and weedwack, which took close to two hours. He finally got to come in and eat dinner after 8, and then he had to fill out some papers for work.

I came home from work, got the kids on the bus, ran to the grocery store for a dinner ingredient I forgot, made dinner for last night AND for tonight, and got the kids moving on their chores (wiping the table/counters, starting the laundry, and vacuuming the living room). Everyone was done with their work by 7. I also helped the kids with their homework, got lunches packed, and read stories.

So we each have different things that we HAVE to do to keep things running smoothly. There is no excuse for your husband to not help. If my husband acted like your's, I'd be LIVID. My husband is far from perfect and we have our issues, but he is rarely lazy and has always helped with the kids when he is around.

2 moms found this helpful

Some men are just raised to behave that way. Women cook, clean, and perform kid duty. Dad relaxes. Hubby and I butted heads a lot until he finally realized what I do during the day. So now we take turns with the chores. One night I wash dishes and he cleans up the living room. The next night is the opposite. We both do bedtime. And he'll do laundry whenever he's home and it needs washed. Plus he cooks dinner on the weekends. I had to come up with these ideas before he got into it. Have you tried coming up with a chore plan? And maybe try to make a rule that Tv time starts at x time. Lazy doesn't equal bad so don't divorce him yet. He just needs to learn how to function in a different role. Change is not easy.

2 moms found this helpful

I like JustM's idea of telling him sure, you can work outside the home. Then I'd present him with a very formal listing of the costs of day care for all your kids; the costs of transporting the kids around to school AND day care AND scouts and swim etc. Every cost -- day care, gas for you to get to an office job, possible payment to a sitter who drives and who would take the kids to all their stuff after school (because you are at an office, right? You can't leave to drive the kids places!). Cost of having in a cleaner who does your laundry or other chores that you do and he does not. Get real figures from real day cares and real maid services, etc. When you sit down to present all this, be very businesslike and calm and do not engage him in any argument; make it a matter of "If I were to go back to an office job, here is the financial impact on our family. I'd like to give you 10 minutes to read this over without me. These are all real numbers, researched with real day cares and other providers."

Then give him the same breakdown of your family finances if you quit your current at-home job and do not do any paid work. It's easy for him to say in the heat of an argument, "Just quit, we'll get crappy cars," but show him the reality of losing your income, in a very formal written way. Same thing. Leave it with him for 10 minutes. Don't forget to factor in college savings. For real. That's reality and he's not seeing it.

Then calmly come back and tell him you need to be heard. It seems he does not think you actually work. Many people who work outside the home do not believe that those of us -- yeah, me too --who work at home actually WORK and are not, well, on Mamapedia or Facebook all day. You also could do a log of your seven hours of work -- every task you do, every call, every moment. Just because you do it at home does not mean you slack off. Tell him "After reading this log of my working day, a real working day, I want to tell you how I feel. I feel you do not respect my work and I feel you believe I'm doing nothing. They would not pay me for doing nothing. You get to vent and express yourself when things get tough at work and I will listen, but by the same token, if I need to vent and express myself when things get tough at work, I need YOU to listen to me as I listen to you. I am feeliing disrespected as an employee and as a mom."

Men tend to jump to solutions (even dumb ones like "don't work"); women sometimes don't want to hear a solution but only want to vent a bit and be empathized with. He does not see that at all.

He sounds immature, frankly. He fathered three kids and thinks "raising" them involves spending his time his own way each night. Sorry, he lost that privilege the instant baby number one came along. The fact he's still doing his own thing after a third child really does indicate a still-a-single-guy mentality. If your calm and reasoned logs and lists of costs don't shake him, and your crystal clear statement of feelings does not shake him, I'd see about some short-term counseling because if he is like this now -- he will be utterly uninvolved when the kids are older and REALLY need a dad in their lives. Nip it in the bud now. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Ugh! Being parents is hard! Mu husband and I had a big fat fight last week about this and now he is helping out way more!
I guess my bitching worked! ;)

Hope it gets better for you! Stress and exhaustion is no fun!

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These type of questions drive me crazy. This is about respect, teamwork and power, not about chores. My husband would never question my commitment or effort to our family and the work our home requires.

He loves and respects me and if I say my plate is too full we work together to re-balance the work load so everyone feels appreciated and supported. It goes both ways, if he's working a lot or particularly busy then I pick up the slack with kids and home.

Anyone with a young family that is watching TV for 4-6 hours a day is not spending their time productively, period. It just sounds to me like squabbling about who does more, who works more, who should do which chores is very immature and whiny. You have three small children, you both work, now roll up your sleeves, turn off the TV and do what needs to be done to be a happy, successful family. Trust me it won't get easier anytime soon!

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I am on your side. But, you can't make other people change. What changes can you make to make life easier? Can you find childcare for your 4 year old during the day? Can you go to work (not telecommute), so there is a sense of "home" and "work". Can you hire a cleaning person?

I do think your husband needs to do more--and 4-6 hours of TV a day is more than I watch a week! Whatever you decide, it sounds like better communication would help too:)

Best of Luck!!

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Yes counseling and if that is not an option a babysitter/mommy helper during the day is much cheaper than a divorce.

It really sucks when men don't get it.

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Omg did I write this post? I feel your pain,frustration,anger, and resentment. Wish I had an answer or some advice but I'm with you in the same boat. Only thing I can say for sure from my part is, the going on strike was a fail for me. So much of a fail. I'm still paying the consequences of having to clean more than usual because me going on strike backfired. Hope all gets better for you soon. Breathe and try not to brake his video game console suddenly disconnect your cable.

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No, you are not being hormonal. You have presented the facts quite clearly, and I think a lot of us moms feel your exact pain. As convenient as working from home is, I woud suggest you find a way to work from an office each day. Yes, your employer might be shocked at your request, but it's a vital step to take to establish your work boundaries with DH. You may not be able to establish an equilibrium until that happens. My DH had the same issue about 3 years ago trying to run his small business out of the house. He had to move it offsite, but othewise it would have died.

Once that happens, and you are both arriving home the same time each night, he might begin to understand that no, you cannot do it all. And if the job is still a problem at that point, quit and let him figure out the finances.

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tell him you'll apply for jobs out of the house if he doesnt take your work seriously. then he;d have to pay daycare and before and after care and so on. then you'd both split the load at home. it seems he already does dishes and works so i think most of your concernseems to be about the kids and interaction.
did he not react when you said they need more daddy/kid time?
how about enrolling the kids in an activity he can take them to and sit and watch? this way they are out of the house and he's still J. watching
ask him if he wants you to plan stuff for them to do
i'd set up arts and crafts andtell him he's in charge and walk away

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I understand. It had to be a fight because he knows you are right and he is wrong. He was feeling guilty....so he put it on you so he wouldn't have to feel bad anymore. Tell him like it is and stop doing things for him. When he realizes just how much you do, he will be more appreciative of what he has. Good luck!

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Can you get a sitter or daycare for the 4 year old? Can you get up earlier & get some of your work out of the way then? What about hiring a "mother's helper" and a cleaning person? It's okay to ask or pay for help. Might be time to rethink your schedule. Work more during the morning/day & then you & DH can tag team dinner, clean up, homework, kid time, and maybe have alone time at night, rather than you working at night, and DH feeling overwhelmed. Set up a list of what needs to be done & let him pick the things he wants to do.

I know it's hard, but you two really need to work together to do what's best for the family. It's okay to send the little one to daycare if it means more focus on work during the day & more family time at night.

Also, men thrive on compliments & ego stroking. Make sure you tell him how great he did when he does help, and how grateful you are that he helped, and he'll be more likely to do it again. Also, how are you asking for help? Are you nagging, or being playful about it? How you address it can have a huge impact on how the conversation goes.

I think you're trying to do too much. Everyone I know that works at home still sends their kids to daycare, or else they'd get nothing done.

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Unreasonable? NO!
So many women seem to run into this exact problem with their spouses. *sigh*
I would suggest writing your schedule down, include everything. What does your day look like? Your week? Month? Write it all down & figure out the amount of time that goes into each task. Ask hubby to do the same. Then compare.
It may be that he does more than you think and you'll be able to see it on paper. It may be that he'll see just how much you do daily and will try to be more present and available. It may be that you'll have to set some hard boundaries - he'll have to do his own laundry (for example) or you take off a couple of evenings a week to work out, etc (and you don't come home till after the kids are in bed).
No matter what, you need to have a serious conversation with him. Tell him that you don't feel like you have enough support. ASK him if HE has enough support, and what would he need to feel supported. Offer to exchange "favors" (not *those* kind! ;D) - like one night a week he gets to veg out in front of the TV, but one night YOU get something you want.
Don't threaten, but remind him gently that you are partners and you expect him to pull his weight too. You deserve no less!
Good luck!

Just a thought...for starters, you may want to stop referring to his playing with the kids and doing housework as "helping" out. These are the responsibilities of BOTH parents and he won't get that if he thinks those things are your job, with him "helping" once in a while.

You are right on when you couch his time as involvement, though. It also might be worth looking into a cleaning service, or pre-made meals that are healthy. Any small convenience you can afford will lighten the load in general.

I had to go on strike a few times when my children were younger. I still took care of the kids, but that was actually fun when I was playing with them and not cooking, cleaning or doing laundry.

BTW, it took DH a few days to catch on.

It sounds like your husband is being very selfish. You may need to position your discussion with him differently. Don't go to him asking him to help you out. Ask him to increase his parenting time with the children and his parental responsibilities. If he steps up parentally, it will also help you.

You also need to discuss with him how you are at capacity for what you can do and that something has got to give. Have a discussion of options for solutions to help ease the strain. Perhaps you should send the 4yr old to daycare, mother's day out, pre-k or some type of babysitting situation for part of the day? Perhaps hire a housekeeper once a week? Are your kids old enough to load the dishwasher after dinner? Perhaps he can keep a parental eye on them as they do this task post-dinner.

You also need to discuss in general how much screen time is reasonable for all of your family. 4 hours of gaming, computers or television per night is excessive...if he has 4 hours available, why can't he use some of that time to engage with your and your kids as a family. It'd make you feel closer to him, and feeling closer to him would probably mean he got more action after the kids were in bed....

Counseling would be a great idea. Counseling is probably more effective when you need ot work on little issues than it is when they explode into standing at the brink of divorce.

I have been in your shoes. I tried every imaginable scenario. The only one the works is making it positive.
"Honey, the kids loved how you played with them tonight." "It was so nice to see you interacting with the kids tonight, I know they loved it too."
"Thanks for getting dinner on the table, it means so much to me." "I love it when you step up and contribute like you did with _____ tonight." "Your concern and love for me really shows when you help with _____. Thanks for doing it."
Find the things he is doing well. Praise him for it. Think about what you want him to do, then find the tiniest way he is already doing it. Praise him for it. Be sincere in your praise. Keep it up and over time you will see that he will want to do more. Right now, he's getting more from sitting on his butt watching TV than he is from helping out. If you are anything like me, you will praise his good efforts and in the next breath let him know where he failed. Leave off the failed part, make helping you be more satisfying and rewarding than the mindless games and TV shows.
Husbands like that CAN turn around, they CAN change. They just need the change to be rewarding enough to want to make it. Once they get in the habit of it, they will find that it has it's own rewards.