Upset My 16 Year Old Is "Getting Back Together" with His Ex-girlfriend!

There is absolutely NO way to supervise a 16 year old couple all of the time. If teens want to have sex, they will. My sister got pregnant at 17, when my parent's believed she was ALWAYS supervised. I seriously don't know when they found time to have sex, because they really did supervise. It's just simply impossible to be there all the time. Please don't be so naive, and please please have a frank talk with him about birth control.

You can't win, or control this. The one thing you CAN control, is what behavior you accept in your house. If she is rude to you in your home, then their evening together is over. Period. He might defend her, but YOU don't have to stand for being disrespected under your own roof.

Seriously, have a talk with him about birth control. Even if you have to come right out and ask...you need to know if they are having sex...and they most likely are.

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I'm sorry - I had to laugh at the "I know they are not having sex" part. Come on now. They are not ALWAYS supervised. I wouldn't be so naive.

No amount of stress or worry is going to make your son break up with this girl. All you can do is be there for him when he needs to talk and share with him how you feel. Communication and ability to feel comfortable talking to you are key. He may just have to learn the hard way with this one - and I KNOW that is hard to do as a mother - to just sit back and let him get hurt. I wish there was more you could do. Just be thankful he is your son and that he is a well behaved, good boy and know that he will likely make better choices as an adult given the values you are teaching him. I would just make sure to communicate with him about protection - both for his feelings and from becoming a father.

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You. Can't. Win. This.

Don't bother. All you can do is tell him that you're concerned and that you want him to be happy and have self respect.
Anything more and he's going to push you away.

You don't have to be nice to her in your home. You can simply be indifferent.

Just understand that if you get involved anymore than above, you can push him towards her.
(PS: what if he IS having sex with her. don't be foolish enough to believe that they're not.)

8 moms found this helpful

Sixteen is young, but not.... it's probably time for him to figure this one out on his own. You have to be careful. He is at the age that he will oppose you just to prove he is the one in control....... and he is!

I would avoid criticizing her and do my best to get along. However, when you son talks to you it's okay to carefully express your concerns or gently question him.

For example if he complains about something she did you can ask, "How did that make you feel?" "What do you think you should do about that?"

You can gently commiserate by saying things like, "I wouldn't be too happy if Dad did that to me either. I respect him, and I expect him to respect me too. Do you feel like she respects you?"

In other words........ ask some provocative questions, but let him figure out the answers.

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I'm just wondering how they're always supervised. Do you go on the dates with them? I was one of those moms who was 100% sure my daughter wasn't having sex with her boyfriend. No way no how. Guess what.... I was wrong. Make sure you talk to him about safe sex now, before it's too late. And you need to back away and let him figure out this relationship on his own. You shouldn't really say anything about it. That never works.

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I wouldn't worry either and I would definitely take a step back. I would just make sure that he understands he and she both need to respect you and your husband and make good choices. He's going to have to make mistakes and hopefully the values you have instilled in him will over power his "puppy love". Sometimes people have to "get burned" by someone else a few times before they realize how they don't want to be treated.
Good luck!

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AFTER READING SOME OF THE RESPONSES AND YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

DO NOT ever step back when it comes to your children and he IS still a child/minor. By this I mean, you may need to tread lightly (LIKE a mother LION), but be ready to step in at the sign of danger.

As I have mentioned in the past, do you think Natalie Holloway's parents would like the chance of a "do over"?

I would rather have my teen angry at me then to attend a court hearing or a funeral.

Blessings...

Workingmom whose 16 year old is always supervised? How do you do that?

The girl dumped once and rubbed it in his face with his someone he "thought" was his best friend. She'll do something else and if you just give it some time and try to be nice to her, they will break up and he will move on.

However, when she's in your home and does or says anything rude, I would call her on it right then and there. I would also try to make it a point to invite her and maybe even her parents over to dinner. She will either straighten out or it will make her skrim!

Blessings.......

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Stay out of it, except for talking very frankly with him about birth control. They ARE having sex, or will be soon.

5 moms found this helpful

Hi workingmom!

There is an OLD musical called "The Fantastics"...wonderful show...ran many years on broadway...There is a song in it that goes...'why did the kids put beans in their ears?? They did it cause we said NO!'

As my kids have gone through the teen years (and some beyond) I have found that the more I say NOTHING about their respective relationships (and ALWAYS smile sweetly, have them over here for dinners etc)...the more likely they are to die a natural death. lol

Look up the musical...it really has helped me with my teens...crazy as that sounds!

Best Luck
Michele/cat

4 moms found this helpful

Yes, take a step back and stay out of it. I know its hard, but its his life, his relationship.

If you interfere your only pushing your son to defend her and putting a wedge between yourself and him.

4 moms found this helpful

Yes I think you are too involved. He is becoming a young man. If you are going to allow him to date then you can't decide who he should date, that is his choice. Be there for him if/when it comes crashing down but, harsh as it sounds, don't try to prevent the crash.

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Yeah, he's 16, mom, gotta let him make his own mistakes. Sorry. Like you said, he's gonna do it anyway. Better make sure he has condoms.

:(

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Do you watch Glee? It was all over the news about the dad giving his kid (who happens to be gay) a sex talk about self worth. Here is the link - it's worth watching. I think that with some ajdustments, it would build a nice base to have a frank chat with your son.

http://perezhilton.com/tv/GLEE_Kurts_Dads_Speech/?ptvid=5...#

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I don't think it's in your hands at this point. I know that's not comforting, especially when you see him upset, are the target of her rude behavior, and suspect that she's untrustworthy. However, you've said yourself, "The more I try to convince him...the more he defends her." As hard as it is, you need to sit back and keep out of it. If/when he comes to you for advice, you explain things from your perspective, such as, "If your father talked to me that way..." or "When I was dating..." instead of trying to tell him what to do or think about this girl in particular. He's got to learn to navigate the waters of relationships like this on his own, and the more you try to protect him, the more he's going to reject your efforts and put himself into further turmoil. One or two bad relationships at this age will help him as long as he's able to learn and grow from it. It's part of what allows someone to go on to pick a good spouse later in life if they know from previous experience what not to do and what kinds of people to avoid.

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Yes, you are too involved. You know that already, you essentially said so yourself. If you're questioning whether or not you're too involved, then re-read the line, "the more I try to convince him not to be with this girl-the more he defends her". Your son is of an age where you cannot choose his friends or his girlfriend anymore.

If he asks you for input, go for it. If he doesn't & you decide to bring it up a couple of times to just put the whole thing out there, go for it. If you're freaking out about it & he's pushing back & clearly not listening to you, then it's time to back off.

You know this relationship will eventually run its course & fizzle out, they usually do at that age. Try to think of this as you gaining experience for not liking whoever it is he decides to marry when he's all grown up!

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Honestly, I think you need to take a step back from the "relationship". Don't get me wrong, plenty of people marry their high school sweetheart, but it is also so unlikely that I wouldn't sweat it. Inevitably, she will do something to him again, and maybe then you can discuss with him why she is so toxic. Remember, they are only 16...they have a lot of time before I would be worried about anything serious.

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Sometimes people have to make the same mistake over and over again before they learn from it. This may be one of those times. It is one of the most dificult times in a parents life when they have to sit back and let their children make their own mistakes in life. But unfortunately, it's the only way our children will learn to become strong, independent thinkers. As long as he isn't in phsyical danger, I think it's time to take a step back and let your baby stumble a little.

It's a shame she hasn't learn to respect others... :(

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Sorry looks like you are stuck. My parents HATED this guy I was once engaged to. I was like 17-18 at the time. Eventually I found out for myself that he was controlling and emotionally abusive. He did cross the line once with my dad and I was told that he wasn't allowed in the house anymore. We stopped dating shortly after. If she is disrespectful in your house then you have more than enough right to call her out on that. I was glad my dad did, it opened my eyes to a lot of things. That and my best friend telling me she didn't like who I was anymore. Best of luck, hopefully he finds a better girl soon!

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I suggest you stay out of WHO he can date. Be kind and welcoming to her so you can keep an eye on her. I would focus more on HOW he is allowed to date. Talk to him about curfews, how to treat a girl and be a gentleman, how to expect to be treated by a girl, sex and birth control and protection from STDs. Don't let her be disrespectful to you and make it clear to them both if you dislike what you hear. If your son knows the rules, but still feels like you are supportive of his choices, he will be much more likely to see clearly when it comes to her. "Jim, I am really glad you and Jane are back together. I know that is what you wanted. Do you want her to come for dinner on Friday? Oh, and by the way, remember how she talked to dad that time? We won't hold tha tagainst her, but you better be certain she know the rules for manners at our house."

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I don't care who the person is (son's girlfriend, son's friend, neighbor), they are not allowed to be rude to me in my home. If they are, they are out the door.