UPDATE On "What Do We Tell My 2 1/2 Year Old? "

Well as for staying in the same town not knowing the situation, I can't respond to that,it shouldn't be that big of a deal moving to the next or so. The children are young enough that unless the older one is very attached to her father, that shouldn't be an issue. On the other hand if mom is hoping to work it out with this guy, she might be the one who want's to stay close. As for the 2 1/2 year old, there are some great children books out there that explane divorce very well to them so that they can understand it better.

Hi S., I'm 30 and have been divorced for about a year now, with a 5 1/2 yr old and 3 yr old. My ex-husband had been doing drugs while he was working, was out drinking while he should have been sleeping or watching his children, and was not involved nor "with" us to give the attention the children and I needed. It has been a very trying experience this past year. Of course, the children's needs will always come first, and that is why I had chosen to keep our family home. I wanted to keep as much as possible the same for the children. They are not at fault for what happened and I didn't want to make any unnecessary changes. However, your daughter's situation is a bit more complex. My family is in the same town/community as I and I have leaned on them probably more than my fair share, but I too don't have any friends that I could feel comfortable leaning to, and I'm a very independent woman.

In regards to what to tell the oldest child, I would have to say that because the child is still so young (and I don't fully know the situation) and won't understand, I don't know that I would tell him anything until he is older. It's so hard to keep a positive attitute toward their father for the children's sake, I know, but do the best you can! My ex-husband is so upset with me, he takes it out on his children. As far as I know, not physically, but for instance, he lives in Kiel, and I in Sheboygan. My daughter wants to take gymnastics every saturday, but her father won't bring her into town for that hour so she can take part. All because I won't pick the children up on Sunday's! Anyway, I'm sorry, I just wanted you (and your daughter) to know it's an uphill battle, be strong and think first and foremost of the children. From the sounds of it, she is doing the right thing. Don't be afraid to turn to those who love you most for help...even the therapists. Not that I like to admitt it, but I spoke to my doctor for help with my depression and since I have been taking Effexxor, I feel like myself again and am stronger to fight the battle.

Stay strong and use your support network, it's okay to ask for help!!

J.

S. -
First off, I have not been divorced but was a child of divorce at the age of 1. I also married a man that was divorced and has a son. My first thoughts are to assure the kids that it is not their fault, mommy and daddy just fight a lot and that is not a good way for them to grow up. Mommy and Daddy can be better parents and better people if they are not together. This is the way we have explained it to my stepson multiple times, whenever he gets the idea that mom and dad might still get together (divorced for 6 years - both remarried). As for where she should live. I wouldn't personally stay in the same community, especially if I didn't have any friends in the community. I don't however think it to be wise to move far away, maybe 20 minutes or so, just enough that there is space but yet the kids don't pay for it in transportation time. I can appreciate your concern and wanting your daughter to move in with you but as you said it has to be her decision. Our first instinct is to love and protect and sometimes we have a hard time when it comes to drawing that line that says your an adult and you need to make the decisions. I know that I have had that same discussion with my mother. As for the discipline issues; the first one is going to be figuring out what the boundries are and then the different rules and different homes. If one thing is okay at dad's house the kids may come back to mom thinking it is okay there also and vice versa. There will also be the back lashing of "if you could just get along we could still be a family" and whenever (if ever) your daughter dates again there will be button pushing by the son for sure but possibly both kids to get that person to leave so mom and dad will get back together. I hope this helps and if you have any further questions let me know.

My son's dad and I were together five years, and split when he was almost two. We lived in a town of only 2000 people, and I ended up moving to the apartment across the street from him. We continue to be close, and though our parting was best for everyone (including my son), his dad and I are still on good terms and they see each other whenever he's willing. But I know we have an unusual ending to our unhappy story.

Personally, I say the best route is tell your children that even though Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore, they are still very loved, and this isn't about them. Make sure they know that it's ok for them to still love both of you, and be supportive of their questions and concerns (my son would routinely ask me if daddy still loved him, or if I was going to take him far away).

As far as where to move to, do what's in your heart for YOU, not out of fear/regret/revenge to your ex. At this point in life it's hard to think of yourself and not just the kids. You need to focus on what you will need to get life to where you want it so you can be happy, which will in turn make your children's lives more happy. I was only 22 at the time of my parting, and had hit literal rock bottom. But the time alone through very hard times showed me that I was strong enough to do this, and I know I'm better for it now. It also made me appreciate what I had, and not whine about what I didn't. I know this was a major factor in my meeting my husband, and has shaped how I've raised my children.

Divorce is a very hard thing for everyone involved, not just the kids. Do what you feel is right for you. As far as discipline, that is something you and he will need to discuss just the two of you. My ex and I usually have weekly phone calls to keep in touch and point out what we want for our son, and make sure we're not saying opposite/contradicting things. Hang in there, stick to your guns, and keep your chin up. I'll be praying for you and your kids.

*~* As for grandma, offering to let her stay once was a kind gesture, after that, she will see it as meddling and will push you further away. Undoubtedly at this point in time, she's feeling very up-in-the-air about things (something very permanent in her life has just disappeared) and she needs to sort through this on her own. Rest assured that when she is ready she will come to you, but she's old enough to make her own decisions, and sink or swim, she needs to do this. My parents watched helplessly as I took wrong turn after wrong turn, but eventually I got it right, learned some hard lessons and have a beautiful family and a very fulfilled life now. I wouldn't have had it without my time alone. Watching our children stumble is heart-wrenching for us, but we need to realize that without the mistakes there can be no success. I wish you the best during this hard time in both your lives. God Bless. *~*

I divorced when my children were 4 and 2... lived near their father so he was still a huge part of their life...they're now 24 and 22 and have told me that they are so lucky that we all lived near each other and got along. How far away do you live from your daughter? Would the children still be able to see their Dad on a regular basis? Children need their grandma's... but it's most important for them to have both their parents close to them...

Hi
Divorce is never easy. I have been divorced for 10 years now.
My ex was a really good dad, was active in their sports, we did everything as a family. When we divorced he moved about 2-21/2 hrs away. Then the excuses started....no money for gas, too tired to drive, not enough time, it was raining, snowing.....it was apparent that he just gave up everything....even being a parent. My children were 13, then 11, then 4yrs. The 4 yr old doesn't have many menories which sometimes made it easier. The others did and they swere sad, hurt, couldn't understand why dad won't visit. I never thought my ex was going to be like that, but as time went on not even a phone call. If ever I did go out....I had to explain to the kids I would be back....they were always nervous I wouldn't come home. I was always there for them and went to every function they had.....My priority was to be with the kids. We are all doing fine now.
If she can stay in a reasonably close area so there wouldn't be excuses. If they need to meet half way meet at a public place to do the exchange, go for it. Tell her never to bad mouth the dad. Believe me it's hard to do, but it's best.
Keeping the kids active with each parent is the healthiest for them. Put all issues aside when it comes to parenting the kids. If you cannot talk civil to each other it will not work. If you can both parents have to have the same rules at each home, disciplin has to be the same. Both need to be active and go to teacher conference (you can set up separate times) keep them active in the religion (church service), go to their school activities, sports, both get to know their friends. These things are all important to raise happy children.
If you can do all those things explain to them that mommy and daddy can't live in the same house but outside of the house they can be friends and will be both equally a part of their lives. It doesn't mean they don't love (or like) each other, just 2 different personalities and /or goals they may have. Look at the statistics......of divorce families now. Now-a-days it's rare to see families stay together.
You can help your daughter but don't make it too easy for her. It's tough to be a single parent, but in the long run, it helps you mature, strong individual....and there's no stopping you as what you can do. She can conquer this on her own!!!!

My parents divorced when I was 2. I don't remember what they told me, but I do know the biggest mistake that was made is that my Dad moved away. He was a civilian for the army and went over seas for 2 years with my brother (who was 6). Since then he has had very little contact with us. There was and still is a huge feeling of abandonment and resentment toward my father. I still close with my paternal relatives, just not my Dad. My Mother was a very strong person, but she still had the support of her Mother (my Grandfather had died).

I don't know how far away you live or what your situation is, but are you able to stay with her for a while? At least for the first few weeks to help her through. Or maybe go to see them on the weekend? She should also look into support groups in her area. Either a Mom's group, divorced Womans group or the like. She will need to learn to make friends to help her get through this and occasional help her with the children. Even if it's a neighbor to leave the kids with for an hour or so to gain her sanity. I don't believe that you are meddling, because she will need your help. Whether she knows it or not, but it might not be her moving in. That can be very stressful for everyone as well.

Best of Luck.

I'm not sure exactly what you should say to your 2 1/2 year old, but however you put it, be honest. About living in the same community, it's helpful when the parents live nearby one another if they are both committed to, and willing to, work together to raise the children, which is the best for them. If all they do is continue to fight, then really one parent should step away to let the child be raised without the torment (I have a friend who's daughter has gone through this all of her life). It is particularly convenient when the children start school and both parents are living in the same school district. My daughter is now 13, and I have experienced her dad living 15 minutes away, a half hour away, and now living in the same town, which he has for the last 3 years, and it's so much nicer! It did take a couple years of bitter fighting and hurting each other when she was a baby before we 'grew up' and learned to work together and communicate to raise her. Now our daughter walks (about a mile and a half) between our houses and we both get to see her all the time. We just call each other to make sure of where she is and what she is up to. Maybe some years away from each other and hopefully in the future they will learn to work together for the children.

There are many good books on the subject at the library. I went through it all with my 8 yr old 3 years ago. I would NOT recommend her relocating to a different place - the same problems still have to be dealt with, with the additional problems of the children perceiving that mom is taking them from their dad, and having to transport them for visitation. A couple SHOULD be talking during a divorce so they have understanding and closure - sticking her head under the sand by relocating won't solve anything. Tell her to hang in there - many people have and will survive this terribly difficult process and be happier in the end.

I understand your concern and it is natural to have the desire to exercise control in this situation, but it sounds like you are over-stepping your boundaries on this. As a divorced mom of a nine-year-old I can say with ABSOLUTE conviction that it is in the best interest of the children for them to have as much access as possible to both parents. My ex moved out of state and it was devastating to our son (who was 4 at the time). Even now, no matter which parent he is with, he misses the other one desperately. As his mother, all I can do is witness the pain he experiences when dad is not available in the moments he needs him most. Even if your daughter and soon to be ex son-in-law have a terrible relationship, the fact remains, the KIDS need their relationship with BOTH parents to be respected and nurtured - now more than ever.

I am writing because I am also a grandma who is concerned about her daughter and two grandsons (10 months, and 3 1/2 yrs). My daughter lives in Burnseville and I live in South Dakota. I wish she could stay with me but visitation rights require that she stay in Minnesota. She is struggling financially and got an eviction notice yesterday. My friends advise me to take care of myself, but how can I not use my credit card and help her - again?

I'm not offering advice, but I do know how you feel. I am praying...

Hi Sherly,
Ok, I have gone through this and am STILL. It's a hell I tell ya. I would tell your daughter to NOT live in the same community as her soon to be ex...reason being: I had my ex try to get custody of our 4 children about 5 years ago....well, the fact that they would have to change schools and leave the house they were always in, was agasint the Judge's favor, and also he hadn't proven I was unfit. I would also tell your daughter to NOT PLAY NICE when it comes to negotiating her share of the marital property. If she's not working, make sure she asks for Spousal support, I didn't do this and my oldest was 7 and my youngest was 1. I would also NOT tell her son anything about the divorce, just that Daddy lives in a different house. The child is way too young to get sucked up into big words like "Divorce".

I am almost 8 years out from my divorce and my kids are having a hell of a time because my ex's new wife insists on them calling her Mom and because I didn't pursue spousal support, he has been able to afford MANY luxuries and lives in a HUGE house with an inground pool and tennis courts and such. I live in a nice house too, but I have had to work real hard and gave up goignt to school to make our family. It sucks I tell ya...Make sure she has a mind set that this divorce arrangements is not a nice thing, it's suppose to be cut throat and she needs to get all that she can cuz if she's the one that's raising the children, she will not be able to climb the corporate ladder like her soon to be ex, and he will remarry and throw it in her face.

Good luck!
Liz

S.,
From what you are saying, it sounds like you might want to let your daughter make her own choices. She probably wouldn't even be into the fact that you are even online with her situation...
So, although I know you love them to pieces, please give your daughter the room to decide for herself.