Update & Question on How to Proceed

I would discuss this with him. As time passes and life changes for various reasons the two of you will be having many such conversations. Life is not static. Also, this is new for all of you. It will take time for life to shake out to a routine.

1. Change the locks. The house isn't "his" to come and go as he pleases anymore. It's your home and you have the right to some privacy.

2. Talk with him about calling in advance to ensure that you are okay with recieving visitors outside of his scheduled visitation time. Don't say okay unless you mean it. If he needs something, he can pick it up at the start of his next visitation. Discuss with him that he will take your daughter to his place for visitation time and not remain at your home, hanging out as if he lives there.

3. Stop telling him where you're going. It's not his business nor is it appropriate for him to just show up.

Boundaries are very important. Set them and enforce them as kindly as you can.

I don't consider EO Weekend, shared holidays & special occasions...to be "liberal visitation". I consider it basic visitation.

What do you mean....he came over Saturday morning to get a few things? If he's OUT of the house, then ALL of his stuff should be OUT of the house too. Time to cut the umbilical cord & set better boundaries. His time with your daughter should be on his turf...not yours.

& I'm sorry, but the whole Saturday night event ....comes pretty close to stalking. :(

I think it's great you are trying to be civil and generous/flexible with visitation. That said, he needs to call you to see if it's convenient for him to see your daughter at "off" times, and it doesn't mean he can just show up! He should not be visiting at your house. He should pick her up and take her to his apartment or someplace else. Yes, it's an imposition on you, but it also is confusing to her because she thinks "Daddy's home" and she may think he's moving back in. The delay between telling her and him actually moving out added to this - I'm sure it's the best you could do and maybe easing into it wasn't a bad idea. But once Daddy's gone, he's gone.

She also needs to know when he's coming - when it's "his" time and when it's not. You are not "preventing" him from seeing her if you are keeping her on a schedule - and a schedule can be very comforting and reassuring to a child. It's not about YOU or HIM - it's about HER. He needs to agree to that.

He should not have promised her "every day" - unrealistic and may create more problems.

And he should not be showing up where you are, unless it's something like a school performance or a dance recital, something she is in. You can also arrange for special holiday things or a community band concert, anything that's appropriate. But the more she sees you as being together for events, the harder it can be for her to understand separation.

So definitely have him take her on "his" time and by all means show her that you are supportive. But she has a separate life with you and one with him.

I think you should make it about her feeling secure with 2 homes and 2 loving parents, and special time with each one - not about how annoying it is for you - if possible. But you may have to draw the line with him (not in front of her of course) and say that he's not hanging around your house when he's visiting with her.

Good luck!

He needs to realize that he made a promise he could not keep. And for him to "figure out" where you are and arrange to show up there when you haven't agreed to meet is borderline stalking.

I would talk to him and say that it is not reasonable anymore for him to see her every day. Understand that he wants to honor that, but divorce stinks and frankly when one or both of you have new partners, do you really want to be held to this every day deal? He can do things like skype with her or call but physically being there every single day is going to have to change. Similarly, you will not be able to see her every day, either. You will have to respect his weekends and his requested special times as well.

I would say that you and he need to hash out a better arrangement where there is flexibility for DD *where warranted* but also privacy and you both get your own lives. It is one thing for her to be picked up after school if you agree to it. It is another for him to show up at your home nightly.

Then you and he need to both present it to her that things are changing and that it doesn't mean you don't want to see her or don't love her, but she has two houses now and nobody can always be two places at once. Sometimes she will see Daddy and sometimes she will see Mommy. We even put on the calendar what weekends the kids would be where so it was a non-issue.

Also, if he has a key, he should remove the rest of his belongings and you change the locks, so he cannot be on the property without you.

Divorce stinks, but IMO it is worse when there is no defined line. A boundary is a tool for progress.

Honestly, I don't think he's doing her any favors. All he is doing is giving your daughter the false hope that "nothing will change." when everything is changing. I think there needs to be a firm split in the households, along with set (yet flexible) visitation.

What happens if/when you start dating, or even get married again? This certain,y couldn't continue. Awkward.

Dad's time =dad's time, and mom's time = mom's time. There need to be boundaries.

I think it would be smart to make a more formal custody agreement. You don't have to strictly follow it if both parties are fine with changes, but at least then you will have legal rights if you feel he is becoming overbearing. My family's visitation was that my dad had custody, and we visited my mom every other weekend, six straight weeks in the summer, and holidays were alternated. (Christmas with Dad one year, mom the next.) my parents were good about making sure we got time with the other on holidays, (usually Christmas morning at the 'specified' house, then the afternoon with the other.) but this way there was no confusion.

It's commendable that he feels so strongly about remaining a stable part of your daughter's life... But he can do it without being so overbearing.

You need to lay down specific rules regarding him visiting her.

He can legally do what he's doing because you didn't get specific in the papers.

My daughter shared custody of her son 1 week with dad and 1 week with mom.

Then when visitation started up he'd start an argument with her at his house then have her arrested for trespassing. Domestic issue, to make it where she couldn't come see her son when he was with his dad.

During her visits he'd get off work at 2:30 am and drop by. If she didn't let him in to visit the kiddo he'd call the police, show them the papers, and they'd tell her she had to give him access to his son. So I think you should have made your visitation paperwork much more regimented. As it is now he can come any time he wants just as you can pop in at his house at any time. You need to fix this.

When it was her time, when she had kiddo, her apartment got broken in to and all the diapers, formula and food she had was mysteriously gone. When the police showed up for a welfare check, they'd had a report she had her son and no formula or diapers for him.

He also damaged her low income apartment and stole her bedding items. So she was sleeping on a bar mattress...

So the police would come and she'd have to go buy a bunch of stuff for her week.

I finally told her to keep her stuff at my house and I'd bring it over while she was going to get her son. Sure enough when we went to her house her food and stuff was gone again. I waited until she left then took the boxes of stuff from my car. When the police officer showed up later the kitchen was full and the beds had sheets and blankets as needed. He eventually stopped doing this.

I get it. But this too shall pass. You need to talk with him. Transitions are tough and the better you handle this, the better your long term relationship with him will be. He just left the house, maybe you can plan a exit strategy where he comes over less and less. Yes- he should know better. BUT I have been married to a man who has the most contentious ex and struggles with custody. It has ruined relationships and the kids will get put in the middle. Fall back on the custody arrangement but be nice about it - say its to establish some boundaries and consistency that your daughter can count on - Good Luck - Patience and Kindness go a long way in these situations.Remember up until a month ago - even though you were separated you were a family

I think you received some good advice about making your visitation decree a bit firmer and more well-defined.

One thing no one else has mentioned, but it did occur to me: if you feel like your husband is being a bit stalkerish (because finding out where you are and just showing up is weird, to put it mildly) I would take down your profile pic on your page and maybe even change your online name. You are detailing some parts of a divorce which one would do well to be very discreet about, including your concerns. It would behoove you to conceal your identity as best you can.

Hi, Boss:

It sounds like you want everything your way. It is your divorce, it is your separation agree, it is your ability to have the court enforce your rules. It is about whatever you want. Your husband seems like he is your slave. He is in bondage to your will.

It sounds like he has been use to having a relationship with his daughter because he wasn't able to have one with you.

Your title gives you away: BOSS!

Now you want us to support you in telling him to stop keeping his word.

Shame on you.

You made an oath to God, your family, and the community when you got married to Love, Honor and Cherish your husband. You haven't kept your part of your oath.

I would suggest to you to seek counseling and restore your marriage, if he will have you.

Go in Peace, my friend.
D.