Unsure About Getting My Tubes Tied, Thinking People Who Ask Me Are OFFENSIVE!

"I haven't decided yet. I still feel a strong urge to try and outbreed the overwhelming number of intrusive busybodies in the world. Why do you ask?"

6 moms found this helpful

When I was pregnant with my youngest child, I had three kids in toe and had lost two kids. My husband's Boss's Wife took one look at me and with bulging eyes said, "My God when will you stop?" I had all my kids standing there and they had prayed so hard for this baby to make it. All I could think about was my beautiful children and I felt like blowing up right in her face. I calmly asked the kids to tell her what kid of baby we were getting. They explained we get a girl and we are so looking forward to her coming after the deaths of our little Theresa and Joseph. It took me an awful long time to forgive her. The women had sent cards when our babies died, so it wasn't like she didn't know what we had been through.

People will say rude things. Sometimes I have a good, polite, comeback and sometimes I don't. I refuse to let it bother me. I think I am the lucky one because I know that my babies are gifts and they alone make me rich. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I feel sorry for anyone that doesn't understand that. When people comment, "Boy you got your hands full!" I think, "Better full than empty!'

6 moms found this helpful

Are these people strangers or friends? That makes a difference. Could they be asking because you've talked about making that decision and they're asking because by your conversation have indicated that it's OK to ask?

If it's strangers asking, and I can't imagine why anyone who doesn't know you would ask, I'd just look at them and walk away. It certainly is not a question that deserves an answer. If it's friends, I'd just say "we haven't decided" and change the subject. If you don't want anyone asking then don't talk about that possibility with anyone who might ask you about it later. And it's always OK to politely say that it is a personal decision about which you do not want to talk.

You're sensitive to the question because you are struggling with it. When you get upset with someone asking the question you are putting energy in something that takes your energy away from the things that are important for you. What does it really matter if they ask? Give a polite answer and let it go. Talk about the pros and cons of the decision with people who love you and with whom you're comfortable and will benefit from their involvement. Dismiss the rest. Stop wasting your time and energy.

It sounds like you're noticing and making assumptions about what strangers are thinking when they look at you. I urge you to remind yourself that you don't actually know what they're thinking every time you feel uncomfortable with their looks. Focus your attention on your children and what you are doing and you won't even be aware of what other people seem to be thinking while they look at you. Years ago, when I noticed someone staring at me or even making a comment, I discovered that I seem to be looking at someone when I'm really just looking around thinking about what I'm going to buy or do or even looking for a specific item in the store.

Ignore other people. It is not important what they think or say. Easier said then done, I know. I think that you'll find that after the first couple of times with you reminding yourself that their question is not important that you'll be able to pass off the question with less emotion and in a healthier way. Unless you've shared your question with them, it is really none of their business and you don't have to take the question seriously.

Be true to yourself. Focus on what makes you happy and successful and ignore the curious and ignorant. You can choose to be offended or not. You are in charge of how you feel.

3 moms found this helpful

I would just say, "wow." and leave it at that with a big open eyed stare and shock on my face that anyone could say that. I'd wait for that person to say the next thing and just stand there staring.

Sometimes not saying anything is a lot more powerful because it forces the other person to realize they've done something really wrong.

And that question is really wrong.

Congratulations to you!

3 moms found this helpful

Honestly, I think they're just making conversation. Two or three kids is just so common that people tend to think it's safe to assume you'll be doing the same. It's funny the subjects that I alwasy thought were off limits and personal before I had kids that I realize now are just everyday conversations to many moms - breastfeeding, details of births, poop and contents of diapers. For many moms, this is just one of those topics. Try not to see it as any more than that.

3 moms found this helpful

The next time someone asks you if you are getting your tubes tied, if it is a woman ask if she has her tubes tied. If it is a man ask him if he has a vascetomy. I think most people will realize how inappropriate their question is & will leave you (& hopefully other pregnant women) alone.
Don't let other people make your decision for you. If you can afford to raise all of your kids & you love them all (which it sounds like you can & do), then that is all that matters. We have 2 kids & probably won't have anymore but there is a part of me that thinks 4/5 kids would be great. We just couldn't afford to have that many & live the lifestyle we want to live. There is nothing wrong with large families.

2 moms found this helpful

Don't get attached to what others have to say. It's their opinions which of course they are entitled to as you are to yours.

You have plenty of time to step back, step away from the words and really ask yourself what it is you and your husband want. Don't let others influence you into getting one - or not getting one if that is what you really feel is best.

Enjoy your kids! Sounds like you have just the right number for you. Two was the right number for me. And some people find having none is their right number.

2 moms found this helpful

You know...it is so rude when people ask such a personal question. You should say to those rude people, "that is a very private and personal matter between my husband and i" (period!). It is your choice if you want more children or not. It's something you and your husband need to sit down and really discuss it at full length. I 'burnt' my one tube (had an ectopic with the other), already had a daughter and a son. I divorced, met someone who didn't have kids and really wanted kids. I really regreted messing with my tube to the max! We tried reversing it, didn't work. Finally after a few years, in my mid forties, we did IVF. Now my boy/girl twins are almost 2 yrs and we are soooooooo happy. Although my husband had said he would have loved to have more kids, I couldn't go thru it again, i'm too old to have kids. Should've done it years ago! I don't know how old you are, but if you're still young, please don't tie your tubes! You don't sound sure you even want that. Large families are nice! I wish I could've had more kids. I hve four too. Both my husband and i come from large families, each 7. Good luck in both your pregnancy and your decision!

2 moms found this helpful

People are stupid... just ignore and move on.

I have no clue what it is like to have many kids. I only have 2. However I had them back to back. My first one was only a few months old when I got prego the 2nd time. The looks I got holding my little one, while having a huge belly was insane. People made strange comments and even after I had my 2nd, neighbors and such would say so are you knocked up again yet??
I mean really??? Gesh...

However after the 2nd was born my husband got a vasectomy. While I know it was right for our family, it am still hurting from it. My little one will be a year next month and we are all very happy. But I don't tell most people that I feel sad inside about it. Like there is another person that was meant to be and we stopped it. Again I KNOW it was right in the long run for us all, but still doesn't make it easy. I think if I had been the one to get fixed it would be even worse. I guess in a weird way knowing I can still have a baby gives me a bit of joy deep down- even though I know it won't happen.

I would say only get "fixed" if you are ready. Obviously if your husband gets fixed that pretty much seals the deal, but that is at least his path to take and does not have to be yours.
There is nothing wrong with big families. I just know it wasn't in me to do. I wish I had the spirit to take on that challange. Bravo to you....

Follow your heart and ignore those that don't get it... maybe they are just jealous..... :)

2 moms found this helpful

One of my friends said she was told to look at them completely calmly and say, "How much money do you have in your bank account?" When the person freaked and said that was private information she smiled and said, "My husband and I feel this is too. We will make the decision ourselves." It's no one's business. You love your kids and family and are taking care of them so just focus on them and those who are supportive. My feelings is that God made families all different sizes - some people are meant to have small ones, some large and many in between but not every family is meant to be exactly the same. Good luck and congratulations!

2 moms found this helpful

My personal opinion is that--as long as you and your hubby/significant other are able to support your family and are not relying on others or the public/welfare system--how many children you have is your business.

We currently have 3 beautiful and healthy girls. We have had a few mc's as well. There is an 8 yr difference between myself and my hubby. People ask us all the time if we're planning on having any more. My response back to them is that it's not up to us to decide. We aren't playing God in this matter. If we're meant to have more, we will; otherwise, we're happy with what we have.

2 moms found this helpful

People are going to say and do stupid, unfeeling things as long as there are people ....don't let them get to you. My first reaction would be to assume that they are trying to be "funny" and just laugh it off. That way you don't get upset...and you don't insult them for their obvious lack of manners. You could always tell them "Oh we are trying to catch up with the Duggars on 19 and Counting"...with a sweet innocent smile on your face!!!
As long as you can financially and emotionally provide for your children I say it is no ones business but your own, how many children you have!!!
Congratulations on your upcoming little one!!!

2 moms found this helpful

This one's easy, just say "please explain how that's any of your business." Say it calmly and politely, even sweetly and you'll at least buy yourself enough shock time to walk away.

2 moms found this helpful

Unfortunately you can't contol what people say...only your reaction to it (which can be quite hard). I would suggest a response like "If we decide to" if they push you can say "That is a really personal topic and one I choose not to share"....of course that could be your first response and head off further discussion. If theyare really rude about it you could just say "I can't believe you would ask me such a personal question" and then change the subject.

As for the question of what is wrong with big families...I think nothing. But in this highly expensive and materialistic world we live, realistically the cost of a big family if almost impossible on a single income. If both parents working it adds daycare and a whole host of logistical issues so I think people are surprised that anyonw would want a big family.

1 mom found this helpful

Anytime somebody asks a question that is none of their business simply say "why do you want to know?" That will turn the tables on them and catch them off guard. If they actually have the nerve to answer or they say they are just curious, I'd reply with a "that's a really personal question and I'd rather not discuss that with you." Simple, to the point, not rude.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Maybe next time someone asks if you are tying your tubes, you can respond with "No. Will you be getting your big mouth tied?"

DO NOT let anyone else's opinion sway you in deciding what's best for your family. This is a decision that you and your husband need to make together, and that no one else should be involved in.

Are you having a c-section? If so, I am sure you have heard that it's easier to get it done while you're already open and on the operating table, so you don't have to go through an additional recovery period later. But if you have your babies naturally, then you still would need a separate surgery and can decide to do it at any time.

It sounds like you don't want to shut the door on having a possible 5th baby. Don't let outsiders convince you that it's wrong or bad or weird or anything else negative.

Congrats and good luck with # 4!

K.
http://www.discoverytoyslink.com/karenchao - fun and educational toys, games, books & CDs for babies and kids of all ages

1 mom found this helpful

I think the reason people may ask you these questions is because they couldn't imagine having to take care of so many kids. Many women could never imagine being a strong enough women or selfless enough women to take on so many lifes that fully depend on them. I can say for myself that I don't think I have the patience or sanity to handle 4 or more kids; however, I would look at you and say you are a brave, strong, and giving women to have 4 or more kids. Every women is different and special in their own way and if God granted you the patience and love to spread to 15 kids then have 15!! lol You should take what others opinions are off the table and base your decision on you. Do what feels right to you and your husband. If you think that you will want another later in life then try a different route. Maybe get an IUD that prevents pregnancy for 5 years and make the decision then.

1 mom found this helpful

People shouldn't ask that, but they do. Don't let it influence your decision. Even if you do decide to stop at four, surgery imposes a finality that can cause deep sadness, even depression. Who wants that when you are so happu with you family? Try to ensure you feel at peace with whatever you choose, it may be better to wait until a good amount has passed after your baby arrives. Congrats on number four!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, D.:
People can be mean, especially when it comes to having more than 2 or 3 children. Why? I don't know.

If you want to have as many children as you want, that is your decision or choice.

Why people have an issue with that, you need to ask them. They are coming from their belief system. This is what they were taught. Turn the question back on them. How many children do you have? What was it like to raise your children? What was your family's beliefs about the number of children to have? Etc.

Turn the tables and learn how come they asked you that question.

Hope this helps.
Yes, when you go through the change of life, things change. Enjoy what you love and let the rest go.
Good luck. D.

1 mom found this helpful

I have 5 kids and just got my tubes tied after my last one. I would have to say to really think hard about doing it. For one, like you said you can't enjoy that feeling of being pregnant again and adding another member to your family (which I would have to say made me feel really sad for a long time) and the other reason is my hormones seem to be out of control now. It doesn't happen to every woman because I have heard many different stories, but the bottom line is the decision would have to be between you and your husband. The other opinions don't matter.

1 mom found this helpful

Boy do I feel you! We have 5 kids...our oldest four were born in less than 6 years and our youngest came along 7 years later (our oldest was almost 13 when the baby was born). The biggest question/comment we received was "You haven't figured out what causes that yet?" A few people asked me if I was going to get my tubes tied, but most asked when my husband was going to get 'snipped'. My response to these people was "We're trying to get our own reality show!" The question itself is intrusive, but if you're hearing it again and again it does become annoying and tiresome to answer it. I found the response about our own reality show would lighten not only my reaction and mood in regards to that question, but it also ended that type of question from that person altogether. When someone says something about you being pregnant again with 3 little ones with you, you could always say "I know, isn't it great?" or "It's wonderfrul, aren't we blessed?"

As far as people staring at our large family when we're shopping or at the amusement park...I LOVE IT! I love my big family and I'm proud of them! Our kids are so well behaved and polite. The older members of our church have sought us out following services to comment on their behavior. An older gentleman said to me yesterday, "You have 5 kids? You have been so incredibly blessed!" At this point I CAN'T care what negative people think or say about our large family. It is what it is and it's nobody's business!

I've found if I can come back with a positive response that doesn't really answer their question, especially something as personal as this, I feel better within myself for being positive and not going down to their level of rudeness.

Congratulations and best of luck with your new addition.

PS - I would have another baby tomorrow if I could!!

1 mom found this helpful

You mentioned everytime 'someone' asks you, you didn't say if that someone was family. If it was some random stranger off the street, or in one of those disgusted 'tones', then I would say 'offensive'. If it was family or friends, I would probably agree with Jennifer G and say it was just conversation or a way to ask if you were having anymore children, although it would be easier to just ask if you were going to have more children.

Either way, don't let it ruin your day or your happiness with your soon to be little bundle of joy!!

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, people are annoying and ignorant. Just smile and say, "Why would you ask such a thing?" or "the jury is still out." and change the subject.

This is an intensely personal decision that no one can make for you or your husband. My husband and I had a deal after our 3rd was born (and we knew we did NOT want anymore). If I had a c-section, I'd get my tubes tied while they had me open. If not, then my husband would get a vasectomy. He ended up with the vasectomy, which is a less-invasive operation. That was 7 years ago and it's been fantastic.

Best of luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

People can be idiots. It would never occur to me to ask someone with multiple kids that question. The only answer that comes to mind is a huge "EXCUSE ME????" with an incredulous look on your face. I would hope that would make them feel as stupid as they are without actually being rude ; )

I figure if people have enough love and support to have a big family, than good for them. Take care!

1 mom found this helpful

We often hear from friends they didn't know how "we did it" with three children so you can imagine their surprise when we were pregnant with #4. I knew 4 was all I wanted to have though so I didn't care if people asked. I want to be there for events and I already know it is going to be hard to do that with 4 children, much less add any more. I don't believe in having more children than I can handle and I mean ME not the older siblings like the set up the Duggars have where the older children are buddies to the younger ones. Not saying that's what you are doing. I am talking about the Duggars specifically. I had my tubal 4 weeks ago and I am greatly looking forward to my 6 week check up and knowing I won't have to worry about taking pills or watching the calendar in the future. Come to find out, my uterus is thin though so had we not already decided we were done, I think it's something our doctor would have talked with us about. Our son came 4 weeks early because of it. :(

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I think your being over sensitive, I was asked that after my second daughter, and 2 is definitely NOT overdoing it. I doubt all these people are actually trying to tell you that you need to sterilize yourself.

HI. I know what you are going through. I had my kids when I was a bit older (28, 30 & 33) and went though the same thing. In the end it was my doctor that helped me. When he finally asked me if I wanted my tubes tied when I had my 3rd c-section. I told him I didn't know. I wasn't sure if I was ready to make that decision. I told him we were pretty sure that we were going to stop with 3, but.... Well, he stopped the conversation right there. He told me he wouldn't do it for at least a year because I was unsure and hesitant. If your not sure in your heart that you want to have your tubes tied right this second then DON"T!!! No one has the right to try to influence or force you to make that decision. It is your body and it's a forever thing. I ended up not getting it done at all nor did we have a 4th child...LOL after I had #3 I told my hubby to handle the birth control since I had 3 c-sections I thought it only fair that I share family planning duties with him. He was great about it and if I had to go back and do it all again I would do it the same way. Our family is just the right size for us, our girls are all teens now and when I want to play with a baby I borrow one of my friends' babies! Best wishes

Well I couldn't tell you any more about how to respond then the other mamas. My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters and I am not sure if I would like to have another baby, so I had a Paragard IUD inserted at my 6-week checkup after the birth of our youngest. It's good for 10 years, releases no hormones so it's safe for breastfeeding, and it's an instantly reversible form of birth control. An IUD might be a very good option because it will give you longer to decide about having more children and you don't have to remember to use it! Good Luck!

I have tough pregnancies and halfway through my 3rd people my husband decides he wants to be a jerk and get divorced. So people just assumed I was going to get one as well! My son is 10 weeks old and I am still working! lol I had thought about it and I was going to do it when I was with my husband, until I had a ton of women on here tell me about their crazy hormonal experiences and premenopausal things! I am only 27 and dont need to be premenopausal already! I got a Mirena IUD inserted a 3 weeks ago,its a 5 yr thing and suppossed to be just as effective as getting your tubes tied. I dont know why people have to act so snobbish about things and at like jerks! I had a friend that had 5 kids, everyone one of them was planned, and people would ask tell him that he should try pulling out! Ignorant and rude people! I really dont have any good combacks for you and I hope you get some from someone! Just try not to let the people bring you down and enjoy being prego just in case this is your last one! Good luck!

You could have so much fun with this!
Any of the following would stop them dead in their tracks:
"We're trying for a baker's dozen."
"We won't stop till we have our own base ball team."
"Why should the Duggars have all the fun?"
"What an impertinent question!"
"That is a stupid question!" (works well in almost any situation)

When I was pregnant the last time my BIL was asking some pretty inappropriate questions...you know what my hubby said "Hey, how big is your d!ck" his brother just looked at him and my husband said "Yeah, pretty inappropriate question, eh?" hahahaha! It worked, he shut up and never said another word.

It is such a disappointment when people butt into your life, especially with a topic such as this. Only you and your husband can make this decision. Shame on them for asking or offering unsolicited opinions!

I haven't read any of the other responses, yet. So forgive me if I say something someone else has already said.
We just had number 4 back in Oct. Hubby just got a vasectomy on Friday. I am having a hard time dealing with it. Yea, I know I had to sign the papers so the drs would do it, but I'm just not happy. I don't want 5 kids. This last pregnancy was so hard on me. But I'm sad that I wont have anymore kids, never experience the miracle of life/birth, the baby moving all that stuff. My hubby is 100% sure he does NOT want anymore kids. I can't say that I'm 100%, but it's too late now.
We've had family members ask us when we were getting fixed, if I was just going to have it done after giving birth, when hubby's getting the V. All the time.
Evidently people like to put their two cents in and think they actually have a right or a say in whether or not we get fixed. So I KNOW what you're going thru. I ignore it, which is easier said than done.
Last time I checked getting fixed or NOT is a decision between husband and wife, not husband wife and friends and family.
I'm sure ppl think we have "too many" kids and are freaks. But whatever.
I totally know where you are coming from. :-(

In response to your question, ask them who wants to know...if they respond, ask them why they want to know.

That is really rude to ask, especially while you are still pregnant! You may also let them know that the pregnancy was planned, that should also politely square them away.

Otherwise, don't worry about busy people who don't have their own life. Just keep being happy!

I feel your pain I am having my sixth child and have lost track of was this planned and why aren't your tubes tied already? As if it is anyones business how many children we have? I usually say something along the lines of "well that is between me God and my husband are you any those people?" Then that particular person has yet to bring it up again and makes them think a little before they ask another person. Congratulations on have the family you desire and remember it is really just between you and your husband and your God if you have one.
J.

As long as you and your husband agree, that the possibility of another child wont absolutely make life harder for you and the rest of your children then, don't mind them. I want four children, at the least and if i get blessed with another then that's how it was meant to be. You got to think about all the possibilities with supporting and raising the child you may possibly have after this one, with clothes to food and if you have enough time to love and dedicate enough of your time to each child. As far as the other people that offend you, ignore them, People just what they do not know,

First of all it is really non of anyone else's business! You can tell them to thier face-"You are just jealous!" or even say "How Rude of you!" what do they care-it is not their life! People like that make me mad---I have a beautiful redheaded daughter--people for years now have asked me where did you get that red hair? I am brown as is my husband---well I smile real big and tell them "I had a dog with that very color hair" yeah laugh gals!!! This is true and so was the dog and he was beautiful too-however if you do your homework--there must be redheads on BOTH side of the family line (somewhere-not necessarily direct) to make a redhead. It has been a fun way to stop the in their tracks! Make your decision and enjoy life whatever you do-and no matter how many children you choose to have or not. Love them for they grow and leave home way too soon. Teach them to love you and call often!