Unplanned Pregnancy -- Very Scared and Nervous

We had an unplanned pregnancy as well with the similar turmoil of feelings. My husband gave me the best advice and I use it for many situations. Spend one whole day - 24 hours - living with one of your choices, spend the whole day believing you are giving up for adoption, another 24 hours choosing abortion, another 24 hours choosing to keep the pregnancy. Then at the end of 3 days reflect, on which day did you feel the most at peace? the most at ease? in which 24 hours were you most comfortable? This technique helped me to truly focus on my decision and rest easy with it. I wish you the best of luck, you are in a tough, tough position - keep talking to your husband, in the end of this decision and 20 years from now that's all that's left, you & him.

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I'm sure a lot of us have been in your position. My birth mother was. She couldn't imagine having another child when she got pregnant with me, so she gave me up for adoption. She already had two kids. Was it the right thing for her to do? I certainly am glad she did not decide to have an abortion! So there you have it from the baby's point of view. I can give you the mother's point of view, too. I became pregnant with #3 at the worst possible time. My two kids were 11 and 12, and my marriage was sinking fast. So much more was going on that I won't get into - you think you are scared and nervous? I was devastated. My pregnancy seemed like a huge tragedy at the time, like the worst thing that could possibly have happened. I briefly thought about making the "problem" go away, but this is the bottom line when it comes to pregnancy. A baby should never be thought of as a problem, but rather a situation that needs to be dealt with in a way that works for everyone involved. And I do mean everyone. My 3rd child is 9 years old now, and he is not a financial burden. He is not one more demand on my time and energy. He is not the straw that broke the camel's back. He is a wonderful addition to our family, a unique and special individual, and he has added nothing but joy and love to our family. The nightmarish time of my early pregnancy with him is now just a fading memory. Was I stressed beyond belief when I learned of his existence? Was I ever! I did not see how I could possibly have another child at that time. Would I want life without this child? No way!!! That is my experience. Good luck with yours!

3 moms found this helpful

Hi J.! Good for you to take time to hear input and not make any rush decisions. Often as women we battle issues alone and in secret, so i am encouraged to see you reaching out. I volunteer at a local crisis pregnancy center. I talk with ladies of all ages and scenarios with the same question on thier mind.
First, i want to share a personal testimony. I choose abortion for selfish reasons about 8 years ago ( i already had one child that was not even a year yet). I thought that if i did it in secret it would all be "swept under the rug" and life would go on. Well yes, life goes on, and for a year or two i blocked what i did out of my mind. But you can only do that for so long. What i thought would solve a "problem" only caused shame and regret in my heart. I did not make an educated decision, and suffered the consequences. This has lead me to volunteer for a local PRC, to help educate other women who are faced with the same decision. It is good to educate yourself so later you can never say, "i did not know". I would love to meet you, or give you the number to a local PRC, or i have a wonderful DVD that i can give to you with other womens testimonies of choices they have made. I assume you are local? I could mail it as well. There is a neat website as well called abortion changes you, you could do a search and find it i think (:
I also have been involved with post abortion counseling, and i have yet to meet a women that say they are so relieved and happy with thier choice.
Adoption is a wonderful option, i know a wonderful woman who can come and meet you to discuss this option. She is amazing. Adoption is the most selfless gift you can give your sweet baby growing inside you. You are able to have open adoption, pick and meet the family, and be a part of the babies life should you choose. Whatever you choose, all your oprtions are difficult. There is not an "easy" one.
There are no mistakes in heavan, your sweet baby has a plan and purpose from the Lord.
Please, if you would like to meet, get the video, or phone number to the women i know to dicuss adoption options, please let me know.

2 moms found this helpful

My friend had a third in an "oops" type scenario. He is now grown, but she, too was concerned about being too old to have a little one running around the house and possibly upsetting the balance that they worked hard to maintain. However, her son ended up being one of the best things that happened to their family. Although there was a seven year gap between him and the youngest daughter, he brought so much joy to the lives of everyone in the family. Just remind yourself that things DO happen for a REASON! You just might be surprised about what a wonder your new little one will bring! In fact, one day you may look back on this post and wonder how your family could have ever lived without this little person in your lives! Best wishes!

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We, too , had a 3rd unplanned pregnancy after working hard to have a son and daughter AFTER my husband's vasectomy!!!! We thought about differetn options for about a minute and then thought it wasn't out place to make deicisions about it. When I told our 6 year old son, who did not know it was a opps and we did not know it was a girl, he said "Why don't we namd her Angel?" WOW--from the mouths of babes.
Yes, 3 kids put me over the edge, yes we have to pull a chair up at every 4 person table, yes we have to be fair with her sister with eveything we do, but the trade off of having this beautiful little girl cannot be measured.
Try to keep in mind, that all the silly little disputes we have are really little in the scope of life, take any help you can get from others, count everything you DO get done each day and not all you don't. Support each other through all the hard days and long nights, even when tempers are short. There are so many others who would love to have one child and others who would love to have a husband to have a child with.
Best of luck,
K.

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Hi J.,

My heart goes out to you; what a position to be in.

My advice: If you can't imagine doing "that," don't. For some people, that's just not that big of a deal, but it's a huge deal for others. If it's a big deal to you, it's not going to change over time -- and in fact, those feelings often grow over time.

By the way, I don't have an agenda here; I am not even sure what "that" means to you!

Honor your feelings. This choice is one that will be with you -- whatever you choose -- for the rest of your life, so make a decision you truly feel at peace with.

And, at least from your post, "that" decision doesn't seem to be the right one for you in your heart.

Perhaps you could also talk with your husband about what could happen so that you two would both feel comfortable having this third child? Maybe there are things that each of you two can do for the other to make this seem less scary.

Lastly, I recommend your husband get a vasectomy asap. Whatever you choose, you certainly don't need to go through this again!

I wish you the best of luck and will be thinking of you!

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Hi J. T.

What a tough thing for you to be dealing with. I just want to share my thoughts on this. I made "that" decision 20 years ago when I was 17. I know at the time it was right for us but now as an adult I have much regret. Now that my children are here I see what a terrible mistake it was and of course I can't go back in time, but I think about it a lot and I have a lot of guilt, A-LOT. I am not trying to make you feel any guilt for considering, I am pro choice, I just want you to know how it's affected me....20 years later.....I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

P.S...my own daughter got pregnant last year at 17 and my decision 20 years ago is definately a big part of why my precious litte grandson is here, when we discussed the options for her, I just knew I couldn't put her through that just because of the financial burden ahead...I just couldn't...and what a blessing he has been.... I hope this has helped, I am sorry you are in such a tough place right now in your life....take care.

M.

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As a mom of 4 and a former foster parent I can tell you, it's never as big an adjustment to have more than 2 than it is to have your first and second children! With the 1st, EVERYTHING in your life changes. With the second, you have to learn how to give 24 hours a day to two tiny, dependent, demanding people instead of one. After that, it's a breeze. Really. My household ran smoother with 5 children in it than it did with 2! Plus, if one person doesn't want to play what you do, chances are another one will.

Husbands worry a lot about cost and logistics because they're men. That's good. Just don't panic, either of you. You don't need college money TODAY, or even know if you're taking a vacation next year, to have a happy life.

As far as money, it takes a lot of very small changes instead of a few big ones. Eat out just a bit less, be a little more careful buying clothes, learn the value in shopping for used items, trim back present buying just a little bit, buy groceries on sale and figure out which name brands you need and which generics are fine and everyone will have enough and you won't notice any change in quality of life. Let them each choose an extracurricular activity when they get older - soccer, Scouts, baseball, dance, swimming, band, summer camp - but try to keep it to one at a time. If they want to add a new sport, they have to give up or at least cut back on another. Otherwise, you'll be overscheduled and grouchy, and the cost adds up fast.

Plan simple cake and ice cream birthday parties, or a party with a rented video and popcorn. No one will feel that they're missing out.

I came from a 4 child, single income household, and my kids are growing up in one now. We feel very very blessed and as if we have a very abundant life. We don't worry that our car is old. :)

Good luck! :) Trust yourselves, talk everything out, and move forward with confidence.

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I have to echo Michelle in every way. The exact same thing happened to me, and it is the single biggest regret of my life. It never leaves me even 22 years later. I later got married and had a beautiful daughter. At 37 I became unexpectedly pregnant with my youngest daughter. It was unplanned. We felt much as you do now, scared and overwhelmed. I have to tell you what a blessing she is in our lives. Other forces were at work, and now we have two beautiful daughters. I totally understand how overwhelmed you must feel, but remember how wonderful it will be as well. It's hard work, but it will be totally worth it! You will probably look back and wonder how you could have ever felt this way. That is what happened to me. Best of luck to you!

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Boy this is a tough one, being that it is, this is your decission hubby has a tad only a tad on the say so, a very small voice on this, this is your body and your decission . Many ways to seek the answers for this, could be spilit into religious by laws, finacial, health for you .

after the birth of my first born son, 6 months later an oppsy happen, at the time, our son had medical problems from the birth, we were stress, poor, and had a 6 month old that had lots of problems. Sadden of the decission we made, guilty of interupting pro life, forgivness for my self and forgiveness from my high power I believe in, took many years to let go of the decission. After 5 yrs I no longer thought of our decission ,I can not say we made the right choice, we just made a choice, for reason out of our control. I will warn you if you chhose to not give this prolife, regrets do set in, but sometimes we do things that are not the best ways its the only way.

Blessings

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My sister-in-law found herself in this same situation some years ago. She aborted the pregnancy with support from her husband who has a vasectomy the same day. Her reason was that her life was hectic enough with 2 kids and working and financial instability as her husband is a contractor. She said she would not be able to be a good mom to a third child and wasn't going to help create mental illness to a child that deserved her mothering 100%. Her two daughters are wonderful, happy, mature, and well adjusted young women. I supported her choice because no one knows their life like the people living it. You know that quote, "To thy own self be true." Hard decision, yes, but only you know what you can handle. Regret only leads to depression which would harm your living children. What ever choice you make, make it with no regrets.

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I haven't had this experience myself, but a similar thing happened to a good friend. She was already a mother of two, was using two forms of birth control and got pregnant at 45! She was shocked and after much thought had this baby. He has ended up being the greatest gift of her life. He is super bright and funny and a great teacher for her to learn life lessons.
In my opinion, there are certain souls that REALLY want to be here, they bring a light to this world. As far as your hectic life, maybe some simplification will be in order, but you will do great, just trust in your skills and instincts, you'll all be fine. It will be great for your older kids, too

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please remember adoption is always an option. i have started my family through adoption after being unable to conceive. You can change lives for the better!

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Do not have an abortion. It will haunt you and cause untold problems in the future. I say this not to preach but out of experience. An added child is a gift and everything will turn out OK.

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I was surprise pregnant with our third (our other two were 15 months apart) when my husband lost his business entered a bitter lawsuit and we had to move. I always told people that she saved out family. We had to focus on a new addition to our famly and stop focusing on ourselves. She came just at the right time. It was a huge inconvenience and extremely difficult, emotionally and monetarily. However, she saved our marriage. My husband had a beautiful daughter to come home to who adored him and instantly calmed him. I had a constant distraction in a daughter. I couldn't sit around worrying about the bills I had 3 kids. Everything worked out for the best. I view her as the catalyst. It was not easy but it was worth the experience and the growth.

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I'm going to mirror Teri C and say that although I haven't ever had an unplanned pregnancy, I have lost two very wanted babies.... you know what? It turned out that God had His hand on me the whole time and His plan was WAY better than my own. He blessed me with two other wonderful babies that wouldn't be here if I'd carried the others full term. I have learned that when something totally weird (and seemingly devastating) is thrown at me, it's God getting my attention, and it ALWAYS turns out to be a huge blessing, always! I would say that adoption is also such a wonderful option for this baby, and maybe that is God's plan for all of you. I don't know, that's the point I guess, is that I don't have an answer at all, I just wanted you to maybe take a deep breath and feel and know that God is with you - today and every day - I will also be praying for you (not just saying that, you are now on my prayer list) that you will have peace and know God's will for you.
K.

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My best friend has a boy and a girl 2 years apart. She and her hubby thought that everything was perfect and that they should quit while they were ahead. Well, she ended up getting pregnant with baby number 3. A big oops. Her 3rd is now 2 years old and she says she couldn't imagine her life without him. Her family is now complete and they have no regrets. Her husband got a vascectomy so there wouldn't be another oops, but they are both thrilled with having the 3rd baby. She did say baby #1 and #2 are the hardest transitions and the 3rd is the easiest. You will get through this, just do whatever your heart tells you and have peace with your decision.

yes, there are options, and adoption is one of them. most people who give up a child for adoption are in their late 20's-30's, not teenagers. you wouldn't be the only one and it could be the best choice if you do decide you can't keep him/her.

Choose life for your baby! You will not regret keeping her/him, however it is almost a guarantee that if you abort you will have deep regrets. This could take a huge toll on your marriage as well.

If you really can't afford having another baby, only you really know, consider adoption. This way you won't have the family issues you are speaking of. It will be an amazing and couageous thing to do - abortion isn't, I don't believe. Just my opinion, and remember that many babies were products of an oops!

This baby could be the biggest blessing you've ever received!

God Bless!

I had a two year old and a 12 month old when I found out that I did not have a bad case of the flu but was pregnant. I thought that my world was falling apart. I cried and cried. 12 years later I can't imagine what my life would be like without Sawyer! I am so very thankful every day that I made the decision that I did. When you are in the spin of confusion and fear it is so hard to make any decision. Just trust your heart and believe in yourself. What ever decision that you make will be the right one for you and your family.

J.,
I have gone through the same thing you are right now. That's all I have to say is,"God is giving you another child for some reason or other." Do not do what I am thinking you are thinking of doing. I also thought the same thing but as you said you have two healthy children right now and one more may hurt you money wise but my dear lady it will all work out. I also had a very hectic life with adding one more but it will work. All my childeren were very involved in sports so I was going nuts. Working full time, keeping the house work done and all those mother things. Before you know it they will all be grown and gone. I am so very glad I have my 4 beautiful children that God has given me. Just think of the women out there that can't have them. Just put your faith in God and he will be there to help. When he closes one door he then opens another. Not always as fast as we all would like but he is always there for us. God bless you and your family. Just remember that little baby inside you is a special blessing from God.

Wow! Congrats. God works His will in some strange ways. My suggestion is to accept what He has done and go for it. What a wonderful gift you have been given. A friend of mine just found out she was pregnant. It was totally unexpected. They had taken every precaution possible. In fact, her husband did have a vasectomy. God, though, had other plans. She is due in May and has to rethink there entire life. It's ok. You are blessed. God is testing you and you can pass this one hands down. You are in my prayers and if you ever need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to email me.

You are in Gods hands now! =)

God bless. T.

Hi, J.,

I agree with Amy O.

I became pregnant with my second child unexpectedly at 41, just six months after my first child was born. (I thought that I would have at most one child before then.) My husband and I decided not to terminate my fourth and last pregnancy. (My first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage; my last two resulted in the births of my two living children.) Even though I had mixed feelings about having a second child, I maintained the pregnancy and, for the most part, am glad I did. I am not sure that having a second child was a good idea in all respects. My marriage has not gone well for the last few years (its entirety), to be honest. If my husband and I get divorced or continue an unhappy marriage, my second child as well as my first will suffer the consequences. It's also noticeably harder to do well in graduate school as a mother of two than as a mother of one.

Unlike me, some of my friends and acquaintainces chose to get abortions. None of these women has expressed regret over having had abortions.

In short, different women feel differently about abortion. I think that it would be folly to claim that a person will automatically feel guilty (or not guilty) for having an abortion.

Good luck in deciding what to do.

L.

You said so yourself, it took years and years to get pregnant. God answered your prayers for children. He's just giving you an extra blessing. You can get through it. It's scary, but you can. We've been trying for our second. I just had my 3rd miscarriage this Sunday. When I was still pregnant, I worried about how my life was about to change, but tried to focus on going through the joys as well as the trials. Even if you honestly can't raise this child yourself, think of those other women who dreamed of being a mother, just like you did, and give one of them the biggest gift you could ever give.

You anticipate regret. That tells me that regret would definitely be in your future if you choose abortion. Don't do that to yourself. If one or both of you end up regretting it, then your marriage will be in trouble due to resentment. Don't do that to your marriage or your children.

My prayers are with you.

God bless you and your family!
M.

Hi J.!
I read your post this morning and I was moved. There seem to be many similarities between your situation and my past situations. I had ovarian tumor and had to have most of my ovaries removed at a young age. So the chances of having children were slim. I had two beautiful children. Two years later while on birth control I became pregnant. We both decided this was not the right time to have another child. and then seven years later I was on birth control I became pregnant again. So I now have three children. It has been difficult I will not lie. The number three changes a lot of things that seemed to be easy to do with two. Although my chidren are beautiful, and I would not change them for the world....three is very busy and the ages of my children currently are 10, 9 and 2. No matter what decision you make it will be the right one. And no matter what that decision is you will find a way to make things work, financially and emotionally for the kids. It is instinct. However, it can put extra stresses on the relationship as finances and similar things often do. So just take your time and thing about what is really important to you. I wish you the best in your future endeavors!

When I got pregnant with my 3rd I felt like I may not be able to handle three children. We didn't have very much much money and worried about providing for them all. So I know how scared you must be. When she was born we realized how glad we were we had her, I don't know what our life would be with out her. We found the time to do the things we needed to and had enough love for the three of them. As for the money it didn't seem to take to much more to provide for three. We had friends that gave me a baby shower so that really helped. You will be so surprised how much your baby will just fit in. Good luck and congratulations! -M. R

It seems so clear to everyone posting what your choice "should" be, but you,your husband, and your children must live with your decision.

I can only tell you what I know and feel from experience.
Please don't think I'm trying to lecture you or make you do anything.
My parents had my sister and I, and after 10 years my mom got pregnant again. They were in a very tight financial state so they decided to end the pregnancy. It has been 15 years and my mom still cries sometimes because she feels so guilty about what she did.( My sister and I didn't know about this until recently by the way).
I myself got pregnant (on the patch) with my daughter after just a few months of being married --it was so scary, I wanted to enjoy my time with my husband--but it turned out to be the most beautiful gift and I don't know what I would do without her in our life. She has opened up so many doors for us I can't even tell you. In May I was pregnant again(unplanned). I didn't want to get pregnant for atleast another year. I cried and cried and I was so nervous. Just when I was attached to the baby and accepting the idea of being a mom again, I had a misscarriage at 4 months. It has been the most devasting thing in my life and I'm still in so much pain because of it. Even though I didn't cause the miscarriage I feel so guilty that maybe because I was so upset in the begining it happened. On the other hand, I guess it wasn't meant to be in the first place.
All I'm saying is that if something happens--it's meant to be (specially cuz you were on the pill). Every child is a blessing.
What SH wrote in the response below is exactly to the point what I wanted to say as well. She is definately right. Follow your insticts and make sure you are complete with your decision and not leaving anything for "what if" in the future. I'm sorry if my response was a little off or sounded weird but just wanted to offer my support.
Good luck. I wish you well :)

Sometimes something happens for a reason, even if we can't "see" it now...

I don't know... I know it's hard... I know it's not a time when you want to hear any "judgment" either. It's not like you were not "responsible" as you are on birth-control too. But you still got pregnant.

the thing is, you are the woman, and ultimately, I think, it is your body and your emotions, and you need to MAKE SURE you are deciding this solidly, without being "convinced."

Other people go through with the pregnancy and then offer it for adoption... if this is an option you can bear. To terminate the pregnancy, is also something you have to bear... and make sure it will not affect you later. In either case... I think it is a woman's instincts to always wonder "what if...." kind of thing. So keep that in mind.

No matter what, you need to be at COMPLETE peace about your decision... and completely solid about it, unwavering in it... or you will probably wonder about it later...

Each woman is different, and I will not attempt to put my "beliefs" on you... but really, you and Hubby also have to BOTH "agree" on this... or it can also affect your relationship AND marriage.

Make sure no matter what, you will not have any regrets, resentments, "what if's" in your mind or heart... and be completely SURE about it.

It also depends on how long you've been pregnant... because that will also affect how it proceeds from here, the impact on your body and emotions, and how much "closure" you will feel or not, about it.

The one thing that can always impact a woman, is the "what if's..." where a pregnancy is concerned.

I have not been through this same situation... but when I was pregnant with both my children, due to my age, me & Hubby had to confront what we would "do" if after my amniocentesis we found out that something was amiss... or my pregnancy was threatened. So, in this sense, we explored all of these issues.

Ultimately as well, you AND Hubby has to be on the SAME page about it.

All the best,
Susan

You have made it through with the others even though it was hard- GOD will provide again. You may end up with the most amazing child. My first was a BIG OOPS and I considered my options I was married but VERY unhappily starting the first steps of divorce-do you not think I was devestated when I found out I was pregnant. Well she kept us together and 25 yrs later I am so glad she did-plus she was/is the most amazing gift. Sometimes God gives gifts in packages we do not want to except at the time. I wish you the best.

I'm the last born of three. My dad flipped when my mom told him she was preg. There are so many accident babies out there and which one of those families regrets it? None of them!