Unplanned Pregnancy, Separated Father

Updated on January 16, 2011
S.K. asks from Pensacola, FL
16 answers

Am I doing the right thing? What do you think?

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So What Happened?

I'm a father. i know this site is for mothers, but i could really use your help and opinions. When it comes to children, i put a lot of faith in the advice and intuition of mothers. I can't really find a site like this for fathers anyway, nor am I looking for their advice. I want yous. This is probably going to end up being really long, but I want to give you as much detail as possible so everyone knows the whole story and I'll try to be as objective and unbiased as possible.

my ex and i met in college and we dated for a year before we graduated and decided to get an apartment together. we loved each other for a while at least. My love for her grew steadily and her love for me steadily declined. it broke my heart, but i could deal with it until she told me she was pregnant. I asked her how and she said she had been off of birth control for several months without telling me. During this time we had unprotected sex, which I was clearly uncomfortable with, but she continually insisted that it was fine. She would say "trust me" "trust me" again and again. I really didn't like it, but I loved her, and I felt the more I resisted, the more it would hurt her. I gave in and just trusted her. So when she told me she was pregnant, I got severely upset. I know that I reacted poorly. I was already super stressed out because I couldn't find work. This was right after the recession hit hard. I was barely making enough to get by with my part time job. By the time she told me this I was already at a breaking point. I know it sounds like an excuse. Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn't. Anyway, I got angry and said a lot of things I shouldn't have. I should have been more understanding, but at the time i was overwhelmed with the feeling of betrayal. She had been keeping more and more things from me and secretly going off of birth control while telling me to trust her was a big deal.

I tried to convince her to get an abortion. She did consider it. At least she told me she did. Then she told me couldn't do it. I was mad, but I did understand. Then I suggested adoption and she said "you know me... you know i wouldn't be able to do that." she was referring to how quickly emotionally attached she gets. This also made me angry. Neither of us were in any position to have a child. She at least had a full time job at a restaurant, but her spending habits have always been terrible, and she lived paycheck to paycheck. I was practically unemployed after the portrait studio cut my hours to nothing after the holidays. Furthermore, from the start of our relationship almost 2 years earlier, I made it clear that I never wanted children. I traveled a lot my entire life and I wanted to pursue a career where I would continue to do so. I knew what it was like growing up moving all the time and I didn't want to have children because of how difficult it was.

I reiterated all this to her and made it clear that I couldn't be a father and this was her responsibility. She agreed and offered that if I wanted to know about my child, I could ask her and she would give me updates. And we also agreed that when our child was old enough to make decisions of her own, she would decide whether she wanted me in her life.

However, we were still living together. I couldn't afford to move out, though i wanted to so badly because of how painful it was to be there with her. She ignored me more and more. We were pretty good at communicating during our relationship, but now she was beginning to shut herself off completely from me. This was especially painful because I just figured that this was going to work as long as we could still communicate openly and stay on the same page with our decisions. Not knowing what her intentions were and what she was thinking and feeling drove me insane.

She decided she didn't want to date men anymore and she began seeing a girl who was 2 years younger with a child of her own whom she met on craigslist. She would have her, her daughter, and her husband over and they would spend the night in her room. I couldn't bear it. It hurt so much. Eventually she moved out with them into an apartment fairly close by. She pretty much stopped talking to me, though I tried so hard to maintain a friendship with her.

Being there and watching her pregnancy progress also made me think about the fact that i was going to be a father and what that meant. This process completely and very painfully changed my opinion about having children.

When my daughter was born I fell in love with her. I held her for the first time at the hospital and I knew then that I just wanted what was best for her. I questioned all my decisions over and over to be sure this was the right thing. I visited her often for a while, as her mother said she wouldn't deny me from seeing her. But she ignored me more and more and found more excuses not to let me see her. I catch her lying to me over and over.

I worry about my daughter a lot. I have questioned whether I should keep our agreement and stay out of her life. But all the alternatives sound terrible. I can't give up what i want to do with my life, my career, which will involve moving from country to country several times. If my daughter gets to know me now and I have to leave, it will hurt her. I've seen children go through separation anxiety and I couldn't possibly put her through that. I also couldn't bear putting her through a joint custody situation and watch her get torn between her mother and me throughout her childhood. My name isn't even on her birth certificate because I feel that I can't trust her mother. It's a simple thing to do, but I don't know what ramifications there might be from that. I am no where near able to pay child support at the moment. In the future I should be able.

At the moment I know my daughter is being taken care of by my ex and her mother. They moved back into my ex's mother's house when she broke up with the girl she met on craigslist. However, now she doesn't speak to me much at all, even though I try to be friendly. I talk much more with her mother, who is always happy to give me updates and tell me what's going on, which I'm very thankful for. My ex is in a relationship with another girl now, who clearly has mental problems. I suspect from excessive use of ecstasy earlier in her life (i'm not exaggerating. i've been around people who have taken too much E and suffered brain damage. She behaves exactly the same way.). This worries me too.

I keep a journal for my daughter. I write my thoughts down about being a father and about her as I watch her grow up and the few times i get to see her. For the time being my decision is to stay out of her life until she is old enough to decide for herself whether she wants me to be a part of her life and how much a part of it she wants me to be. I feel as though I could offer her far more and greater opportunities than her mother ever will. She'll get to travel to some amazing places with me. When she's ready, and this is what she wants, then we'll figure out how to proceed legally. It's important that this be her choice and that I respect whatever she decides.

I'm 24 years old. In six months I will be leaving to work in China for over 2 years. When I come back, my daughter will be almost 4 and not know who I am. She'll have hair then and she'll be incredibly beautiful. She has my eyes and ears. She's already pretty smart, and I'm already incredibly proud of her. But I'll have to stay away from her. Her mother may let me visit her, but I can't let her know I'm her father. It breaks my heart over and over, but this seems like the only right thing to do.

More Answers

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J.R.

answers from Glens Falls on

That's quite a story. And you're only 24. And your daughter is 2. Conceived after you both graduated from college. Ok, the numbers aren't really working for me but just in case you're for real, you need to man up, get your name on the birth certificate, start paying support and establish regular visitation or you'll regret this the rest of your life. And I don't care if your ex tricked you, I don't care if she's gay, and I certainly don't care about your plans to travel. The only thing I care about is the little girl and I pray the two of you don't screw up a human being. Oh and if stepping up to the plate doesn't appeal to you, than you don't deserve the advice of any of the good mama's on this site.

4 moms found this helpful
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K.M.

answers from Kansas City on

Wow! Not sure where to begin...I don't mean to sound harsh, but I feel bad for your daughter. She was accidentally brought into this world by two adults who can't seem to make any decisions in their lives (you don't know if you want to be a parent and she can't decide if she's gay or straight). I really do feel bad for her.

You are 100% responsible for this little girl. You may have never wanted children, but you KNOWINGLY had sex with a woman who was not on birth control. You have no excuse--you could have used a condom or refused to have sex.

You now have to put this precious child first. You and mom need to grow up--use your college educated brains--and make some decisions. And, you need to pay some support. You better go without before your daughter does. I'm sure you have some extra somewhere--eat ramen noodles, don't buy alcohol/cigarettes, heck--give up your cell phone!

You are a dad and a man...act like one--a little girl's life depends on it!

And, you're lucky I didn't even start with the abortion!

3 moms found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I admire your courage for telling your story on a "Mom's" website. Be prepared to get negative responses from some. It's so easy to judge others.

Don't beat yourself up over what's already happened, or what's already been said. Keep writing in your journal. Keep in touch with your daughter's grandmother, since she seems supportive of you. Stay in your daughter's life as much as you can in any way you can. Tell her you are her Dad. You don't know at this time how you life or her mother's will progress, and you only have control over your actions, not hers. Your daughter will grow up to be an adult and will decide for herself what she wants from your relationship.

Good wishes to you and to your daughter.

3 moms found this helpful
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A.C.

answers from Boston on

I'm having a hard time feeling bad for you. You didn't trust her yet you had unprotected sex anyhow? And your surprised that she got pregnant? You said "I reiterated all this to her and made it clear that I couldn't be a father and this was her responsibility." The fact is you ARE responsible for this child whether you like it or not. Your going to work in China but you can't afford child support? Oh boo hoo! It is your responsibility to support this child no matter where in the world you live. Do you really think that her Mother can support her alone, or that she should have to because you don't want to. Yes your child's Mother lives with her Mother, but it is not the Grandmothers responsibility to support YOUR child. The fact is you both acted irresponsibly and now you BOTH need to accept the consequences of your irresponsibility. You sound like a selfish immature little boy to me, and the only advice I would offer is to your child's mother to hire an attorney and take you to court to force you to support this child that you were perfectly happy to be involved in creating.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.C.

answers from Lancaster on

Tough situation...as a child of a father who chose to live his life separate from me and then wanted to be in my life later, I feel as though I can speak from a possible view point of your daughter.

Kids want stability, family and to be loved. Do what you can to make that happen. Don't forget about her, make her feel special no matter what your circumstances are.

I know my father regrets his decision to leave us. He recently told me so. Our relationship is very strained and painful for me. I wish he would have been there for me as a child. My mother was not stable or loving. He knew this an did nothing to protect us. Sounds like you are in a similar situation. Kids need protected and a lot of love. I am glad you are considering your daughter when making decisions.

2 moms found this helpful
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M.F.

answers from Houston on

You need to make whatever effort you can to be a part of her life. You don't want to regret it later on and she might not want to have anything to do with you. Dads are very important in someone's life. She needs to know you love her and think about her. Your going to work in China for two years (remember many children have fathers that are deployed) send her cards and letters, remember holidays and her birthday, send money to help care for her( consistently) and small gifts for your daughter. Hopefully her mother will keep them for her to have later on in her life. You have a child now and you don't get to make the decision of if you want to be a parent or not that decision went out the window when you didn't use a condom. Good luck to you! I would also get a paternity test and get your name on the birth certificate.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.G.

answers from Boston on

Don't give up on your daughter. There is no reason you can't still be part of her life. Your daughter needs to know who you are even if you can't be there for her everyday.

1 mom found this helpful
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D.P.

answers from Raleigh on

You can't be faulted for what you thought was best two years ago or even two days ago. Being a parent is all about growing with that child, learning from mistakes, coping with change, maturing, and becoming a better person. Your instinct is telling you what to do, so listen to it and don't be afraid. She deserves to know her father, and needs you in her life. You do have the right to change your mind.
I say a first step is to get a DNA test and your name on the birth certificate. That is the most important part. Then just take it from there. Even if you are far away, you can still be in her life.
I am glad you have had a change of heart. Now, just have the courage to see it through.
Take care.

1 mom found this helpful

J.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

You made a baby. Now you want to walk away and pursue your career in another country for 2 years? You are 24. That supposed to mean you are a man. Not a boy. Step up to the responsibilty you helped create, and be a father in every sense of the word. Teenagers can do it. You go on hold, its that baby's turn to flourish. Its about the rights of the child. Children have a RIGHT to have both their parents. BTW what do your parents think of your plan versus your responsibility?

1 mom found this helpful

L.B.

answers from Biloxi on

Ok S.K., I didn't read the other responses - but I read your entire post and it hit a nerve. So I apologize in advance if I offed you. Feel free to send me a message if you need to.

Take your Ex to court - before you leave the country - get a DNA test to prove paternity and sue for rights. YEP, you will have to pay child support - which you should be doing anyway. But most states have a % based on income so you shouldn't get scalped.

My son's father was rarely in his life and this has negatively impacted him. Children need both their parents - I don't care what the pundits say - I have been living through this for 14 years.

You can maintain a relationship with your daughter even if you are on the other side of the world. Video tape, audio recordings, Skype, etc. etc., are ways to keep in touch. Video tape yourself reading bedtime stories and have the grandmother play them for her. Sing silly songs and talk to her on tape and send it. Regular old snail mail with lots and lots of photos. Use your imagination. If you have paternity established through the courts you can ask your attorney to make it a provision of the agreement that the mother cannot withhold these forms of communication from your child.

BUT none of this will happen if you don't man up.

Let's face it - you pushed your Ex away when she got pregnant. (Yep, pretty lousy that she lied about birth control). So now she is punishing you. You vacillated on whether you wanted to be involved or not, and now you are paying the price. Later it will be your daughter paying the price for your immaturity.

Nota Bena: I have a friend whose children live in another country. They are in constant communication through email, telephone, and frequent visits. He is no less a father even though he lives thousands of miles away from his children.

It is really up to you now. If you are serious about being a father you must put it all into play before you leave the country. It will be way too late when you get back and your daughter is 4 years old.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

G.T.

answers from Modesto on

You told her to have an abortion, that is usually a deal breaker right there. I would go do your two years and see where things are when you get back. You cant predict the future and you ARE her bio dad. If it doesnt get all stupid and jerry springerish you should be able to care for, support and visit your daughter in the years to come.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

I am impressed with your apparent thoughtfulness about the well-being of your child, and the honesty about how your feelings have changed in the face of your life experience. I don't really have much advice to offer, but couldn't just let a previous poster's harsh comments stand without offering you some support.

It sounds like you don't really see a way to be a bigger part of your daughter's life right now. Sad, but perhaps simply realistic. If I were you, I'd start an account for the little girl and put a few dollars aside from anything you earn, so that when you have a chance to connect with her again, you have some resources from which to pay support. At that point, you may wish to get a lawyer to help you establish your rights in court.

But whatever else you do, keep the child's emotional needs in mind. She may, or she may not, benefit from having a long-lost daddy reenter her life in a couple of years. I hope you'll consider getting some counseling to help you determine the most positive way to approach that when the time comes.

My best to you.

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C.G.

answers from Denver on

If you leave now with no legal terms in place you're going to be pretty much out of luck as far as seeing your child.

You did have a DNA test, didn't you? Sounds like girlfriend could have been a little loose with her affections somewhere along the way. You have thought of that, haven't you? The child could look like you because you believe her to look like you.

You are kind of in a rock and a hard place. You made your bed, are you ready to sleep in it?

Mamma can do a lot of damage to your reputation while you're gone and child may not want a thing to do with you.

I can't tell you what's right or wrong but I think you're going to be paddling upstream without a paddle with this one.

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L.L.

answers from New York on

Keep the baby !! You will regret it later on..your story was long but dont give up girl !!

K.V.

answers from Lansing on

I don't understand why you would want to keep your daughter w/ the mother and stay out of her life. If the mom is dating a girl who you think has mental problems and if the girl is around your daughter, that doesn't seem like a good outcome.

I understand the fact that you never wanted kids, I didn't either. But I have one now and I would never ever turn my back on her.

I honestly don't know what to say. It's a sad situation, but it's even sadder for your daughter. Hopefully, growing up she doesn't have any mental (depression/anxiety/hatred) issues from her past and abandoment.

A.F.

answers from Stationed Overseas on

Ok you really need to be in this child's life. I am only 22 almost 23 my husband is 23 and is in the army. You can imagine its kind of like what you want to do with traveling. My husband get's deployed and we have a 9 months old and a new baby on the way who's due in May. When my kids are old enough and know that daddy is away they will know who he is and what he does. You can do this for your daughter. She needs to know who you are and what you do and want to do with your life. Video tape yourself for her, read stories on the tape anything that will keep you involved.

Trust me keeping yourself out of her life will ruin you and her. My mom didn't want to tell me who my real dad was. I grew up thinking my step dad was my real dad until one day my real dad showed up. My step dad didn't want to tell me til I was like 14, but my mom said no that I needed to know then. Since then I have connected so much with him. He has been in and out of my life. I hardly ever see him, but knowing he is there for me always makes me feel good. You should make your daughter feel that same way.

And I am going to say this and you can be mad all you want, but suggesting an abortion was wrong. My ex made me have one and it was the worst thing in my life I ever did. That child had every right to be here and I took it away, I have to live with this for the rest of my life. Sure it's easy for a man to suggest it, they don't have to live with it or the pain it causes emotionally and physically. The procedure hurt a lot. I was in the same place you were then, my ex didn't want the baby, we both couldn't support a child even though we both had full time jobs. He had a place of his own he just didn't want to man up and be a father. I was only 20, it's been 3 years and still it feels like I did it a month ago it hurts so bad. Just think what that could have done to her (Seeing as she didn't do it on her own in the first place) and like her I couldn't do adoption because I would have become attached easily too. I will just say shame on you for that.

But really you need to do all you can to stay in your daughters life because if you wait to long for that decision you want from her maybe to late and she may already hate you. Remember her mother could tell her lies about you to turn her against you. It's happened in my family that is why I am warning you. The more your daughter knows who you are the better. Good luck with everything and next time your with a girl and she says trust me, don't... My first bf always made sure I took my pill before sex. Women can be very cunning, vicious creatures take it from me I can be as well. I wish you the best.

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