November 09, 2009,
D.S. asks from New Orleans, LA on August 09, 2009
Unplanned Pregnancy -- How to Tell the Father
I got involved with a guy who had just joined the Marines and was leaving for boot camp in a month. We talked and hung out all the time and I fell in love with him. We had sex one time and the condom broke. I was on birth control and hadn't missed any of my pills so I figured we were safe. A couple days before he left for boot camp we went to a party together. I got really drunk and said things I shouldn’t have said. I voiced my concerns about him leaving and not wanting anything to do with me and that I was afraid that he didn’t really care about me and wanted me to be his booty call when he came home on leave. We got into an argument about how he was acting and he told me that being so negative all the time ruins things and that I might have ruined what we had going. I told him that he needed to let me know how he felt when he figured it out and the next day he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and just wanted to be friends. I told him that I can't just be friends with him and we shouldn't talk anymore.
Two days later he left for boot camp. I was really distraught and stressed and I missed my period but figured that it was all the stress getting to me. A month and half went by and I still hadn’t gotten my period. I didn’t want to take a pregnancy test because I wasn’t ready to deal with the fact that I could possibly be pregnant. Another month went by and I started throwing up and I just knew. My friend was with me when I took the pregnancy test and it came out positive. I don’t even know what to do. The father of my unborn child is in the Marines and is only going to be coming home for a couple of days in between boot camp and his tech training and then he’s going to be stationed across the country. I’m only 19 years old. I’m a full time college student and I only have a part time job. I’ve been the good egg of the family. Great grades in high school and the Dean’s List in college. Now I’m pregnant by a one-night stand with a Marine that doesn’t “feel the same way” about me anymore. He wasn’t just some guy to me and I never intended for it to be a one-night stand. I fell in love with him but apparently he didn’t feel the same way. He is still at boot camp. How do I tell him that I’m pregnant? Do I wait for him to come home on leave to tell him or should I write him a letter while he's still at boot camp? I’m scared out of my mind as to how he is going to react and I don’t know what to do.
1 mom found this helpful
K.K. answers from Birmingham on August 10, 2009
I am so sorry however you do need to tell him, He may feel differently. We all say things sometimes when we are mad. Things will work out. I wish you the best of luck If you need a friend PM me Id love to chat with you. I got preg young too. I work from home so if you are worried about extra cash and spending time for school let me know Ill love to share more about what I do with you it might help you when the baby comes have more time. Everything will be alright sweetie.
T.D. answers from Birmingham on August 10, 2009
I would call and tell him now.The sooner the better.This is something that has to be dealt with and is not going to go away.The sooner the better.best of luck to you.
V.B. answers from Oklahoma City on August 10, 2009
I'm sure you just found out the news yourself so your not far along. I wouldn't tell him while in basic, it's stressful enough and he doesn't need the added stress. I myself used to be in the military, though i didn't receive news like that a friend did and it was devistating and hard for her. Wait until he is out of basic and before he goes to tech school. This will give you time to think and know exactly what you are thinking and want to do. When you do tell him i agree don't make this about how you feel about him, make it about the baby. Get his thoughts and ideas on the whole thing, like others said he's going to be shocked so give him some time to sort out his feelings. Tell him and then let him know what your thinking about the whole situation and tell him you'll give him time to think about it. Tell him to call when he's ready to talk, and leave it like that. Don't pester him as it will only make matters worse. Then when the two of you have come to terms with the baby ya'll can decide together what ya'll think is best for both of you and the baby.
1 mom found this helpful
L.R. answers from Little Rock on August 10, 2009
Dear D., I'm not sure about your faith but if I were in your shoes, I'd first have to pray to God for strength in this matter. As for telling the father, I think that is something that should be done in person...in a neutral location (just to be on the safe side). Go in expecting that a paternity test will come out of his mouth and it's only natural because of how short the relationship was. If you have someone that you can talk to, by all means do so. This isn't something that you should handle alone. God bless and I'll be praying for you.
B.L. answers from Tulsa on August 10, 2009
Okay, first I read a reponse that made me a little mad. Just because she is 19 years old doesn't mean that she should give the baby up for adoption. I had a baby the day before my 19th birthday, and I'm a darn good mom. Age doesn't say how good of a parent you would be.
She may not be ready now but she still has a few more months to let it sink in.
Anyways, I would tell the father. I'm not sure if you sould do it in a letter or in person. I can't be the one that tells you what to do. All I know is that you should tell him as soon as possible. He has a right to know.
He shouln't get TOO mad. For one, you guys did use 2 forms of birth control. Things happen. Babies are a blessing from God. He wouldn't give you more than you can handle.
I really hope that you keep us informed and updated throughout the pregnancy. I will keep you in my prayers.
M.K. answers from Birmingham on August 10, 2009
My heart goes out to you. Almost 21 years ago I was in a similar situation. I had a beautiful baby boy that I cherished, but it was tough at times being a single mom. I did marry the father when he was about a year old. Sadly it lasted about 6 years.
First I would like to say the guy has a right to know. If boot camp is almost over then I would wait until then to tell him. How far are you from him? If it is not too much traveling I would say it would be better to tell him in person. Call him and let him know you are coming and need to talk. If you can't go see him then perhaps a phone call would be good. Some time has gone by and the fire has cooled down. You have a lot to think about, but it will be ok. Does your family know? If they are supportive and helpful then do your best to continue going to school. You sound like an intelligent young woman so just be wise with your future decisions. I also drink at times too much and my subconscious would take over and I would say the wrong things sometimes. Learn from this. It's ok to make mistatkes as long as we learn from them and try not to repeat the same thing.
I would love to know how things progress. My prayers will be with you.
K.C. answers from Oklahoma City on August 10, 2009
I'm sorry you find yourself in these circumstances. Pregnancy can be a wondeful thing. I can't begin to guess how the father will react when you tell him but you have to let him know that you are having his child. He may surprise you how he reacts...and he may not...but he needs to know. I asked my husband who is retired military what his thoughts are on the timing. He suggested possibly writing him a letter now telling him in some way that you really need to talk to him about something important when he returns. Don't get too emotional in the letter but give him some warning then make arrangements to tell him when he comes home. I know it will be hard but he has a right to know and you need his support...hopefully completely...but if nothing else, he should financially help with the baby.
After you send the letter, you need to try to put him out of your mind as much as you can and concentrate on taking care of yourself so that the baby is helathy. Make sure to get prenatal care becasue whatever future decision you make, the baby deserves a shot a helathy wonderful life.
God can help you though. He provides in situations we never thought we could endure. Believe it or not, he can help turn this situation into a positive one if you let him. That may not mean the daddy suddenly loves you and wants to spend his life with you, but it means that something good can come out of it for you and your baby. Sometimes things take time and I remmeber being 19 in college and nothing ever happened fast enough. Just don't give up. God will provide a way if you let him. He loves you and the baby right where you are. Ask him for help.
Also, have you told your parents? How have they reacted? Do you have their support?
I.S. answers from Fayetteville on August 10, 2009
Based on the kind of news I would rather call him, if possible. Also, I won't wait with notifying him about the fact that you are expecting. The time runs fast. Just think that it is truly an occident, and there is no yours or his fault. Be brave, girl! Good luck!
G.B. answers from Oklahoma City on August 10, 2009
I am sure you are scared on so many levels. I am sorry you are going through those emotions. The father needs to know and you all have to decide how you all will handle the future of this child. If you want to keep the child then child support and possible visitations needs to be discussed. Or if the gift of adoption is an option then you both need to be in agreement and you both have to sign consent forms in the state of OK. I am sure he will be as shocked as you. Informing him by letter and allowing him time to think because you are afraid of his response is best, then be direct, present the option you are think of, what you expect from him, and ask for his thoughts. If you can wait to tell him face to face then expect him to be shocked. By then you've had time to get use to the idea - he hasn't. So don't be offended - he's not had time to process.
I know you have feelings for this young man; however,if he feels the same way is not the issue at hand. The baby is now the focus. People say things when faced with uncertainty, a bit too much alcohol, and fear. If he's in the Marines, I hope he's learning how to be a man of responsibility and character. Whatever his response - you need to know so you know how to move forward. I am sure you feel over whelmed. Just try to handle things one day at a time. I know that is easier said then done. This is a huge decision as to what to do. I hope and pray you have a mature woman to talk to, if not I am willing to listen. Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself and the baby. Try to eat good, get rest, and go to the Dr for pre-natal care. You have more than yourself to think of now.
J.B. answers from Monroe on September 13, 2009
First of all, I have to say that as a young woman you have to respect yourself and your body more than that!!! If you got pregnant you obviously didn't use protection. You did not know this guy from Adam so how can you love someone you don't even know. You didn't even love yourself enough to protect yourself from pregnancy and a host of potentially deadly diseases. Now you are pregnant and you want this man that you don't even know to step up and do the heroic thing and be a father to a child that he probably doesn't even want!!!! If this young man enlisted in the military he undoubtedly wanted to better his life not become a father with a woman/child that he doesn't know. Yes, he was dumb too by not protecting himself so he gets what he gets. But please don't fool yourself like this is going to be a happily everafter scenario. It isn't! You will very probably end up being a single mom which is super hard, even with the best support system in place. You need to let the father know ASAP. The sooner he knows the more time you have to discuss your options. By "your" I mean yours and his because he should be a part of the decision-making process also. Don't be mad if he isn't ready to be a father and doesn't want the baby. Yes, he should have thought about that before you had sex!!! Unfortunately, D., you are ultimately responsible for the rest of your life. Choose life!! Yours!! Go to college, graduate, and go on with your life. No more heat of the moment sexcapades and always, always, ALWAYS protect YOU!!!!!