E.V. asks from Tempe, AZ on February 19, 2012
Unosey Mother in Law!!!
Ugh. This is going to be a long vent. I married to a priest's son and found horrible in laws ever! They are very religious, but in a controlling way. They always "check" if we are going to church, who preach, what sermon was preached, how many people attend and so on. Everytime I stay in their house, they always wake me up at 5 to read bible and be a virtue wife: who wake up and prepare food for all. Everytime we go out, and I meet a friend, they will ask who, how can you be friend, does she is married, how old is she and what is her religion. After we get married, we rent a 4 bedroom house. They chose a room and said that it was their room, locked it and brought some trees to plant despite my disagreements ( that house is known to have lots of snakes,so I ordered to cut the trees). They didn't allow me to be the queen in my house. They will clean the room every weekend when they visit( yes, they visit us every weekend, to ensure we go to church). They also like to enter oour bedroom and while talking,they checked my wardrobe and asked the price of my make up or my dress. They also insisted we visit them. But I feel so rejected: they gave me tofu and tempeh everytime I visit, but my husband told me that after I sleep, his mother unlocked a cabinet where she kept the snacks and meat. They also didn't allow me open the fridge. I am not an eater and I can buy food myself, why I have to steal their food? Finally, my husband got a scholarship to US. FREE AT LAST! but no, after we arrived here, my hubby told me that in laws asked the bank book from him. They say they will print it every month so we don't have to deal if anything happens in the hometown, because we are so far away. Finally, my hubby told me that his mother asked his salary and everything. They also insist to be friends in facebook. I ignore it at first, but then mIL starts the survey again. The photos are nice, with whom did you go with, what is her religion, does she has children and how many? She even know exactly the biography of my husband's supervisor. It went like this: why did his parents name the kid Paul if they are not Christian, it seems that Paul has a cute dog, etc. They email my husband everyday. For asking such questions! My husband is firm, he actually told them that they should treat me like him ( silence), never ask unimportant questions ( they blame me for making a distance between them and son), and stop controlling( we asked a counselor to talk to them, but the counselor gave up). Since January, I blocked them from my FB, they can't see my friends and my posts, so they will stop email. Few days ago, I posted about my husband getting sick and apparently an aunt read it and report it to MIL. She messaged me asking why she can't see my post while others can. Actually, I really really want to tell her. But, husband say it is a big zero, she will deny the fact that she is controlling. I believe him, he lived with them for 18 years. He left home because a nice auntie told him to go or he will be their little robot. He had talked to them a lot, but they denied it. What should I do? They look religious, but they are not. And I am sick of it!
So What Happened?™
We come from Asia, so actually, yes , we are very far away. I regretted that my husband told me about the bank book after we were here. My family actually doesn't like them at all: but my mom is kind of typical asian people. She told me that I should be good to them, to show how well my parents raise me. But I hate being good. I hate being the carpet. My mom also got divorced recently and MIL called my sister to ask why, why my mom's husband cheated on her, and so on. My mom actually was mad ata them, too for not treating me like their son. Because, if we were in my mom's house, she will treat my husband with feast, buy him new clothings and so on. She had asked them why they keep my bankbook, but they told her we want to help. Actually, what we see is that they position themselves as the religious successful people( strong marriage, counselors and elders in church), thus look down on my family ( my mom got divorced, I am not the religious and virtue wife). We had told them about what we feel, a lot! But they always silent and in a few days, deny it and blame me for changing my husband. My husband is on the same track with me: he is quite sick with them, so it's not my fault. He never love his parents. He told me that since he was a baby, his parents often left him for weeks, a missionary trip. When he was 4, he asked to sleep together after his mom left for 2 weeks, but he was rejected: you have Jesus, you sleep with Jesus. It is sad, to be turned off like that. Sadly, he is the only kid, so no other siblings to protest together. We also say this to our uncles and aunties, but they told us to obey our parents, because that's what the Bible say. You know what, I want to be free in facebook. I really don't want to be monitored anymore! I told her that she can't see my post because it seems to be hacked. She asked me to open new account and tell her when it's done. Yes, we owe them money. We borrowed money from bank, but they took over( my husband didn't tell me this, too until they alreadytook over) so now we owe them not bank. We have the money to pay in our bankbook they keep now, but it must be there because it is a deposit to show to US government that my husband has savings to support his dependents during the study here. I told my husband that I don't like owing them, it actually makes them grip their hands tighter on us. The night we left the country, his dad pulled me over and told me: you know that you can go because our money right? You should be thankful to us. What should I do now? They keep emailing us, always remind us we owe them, and blame me if my husband didn't reply. Can you guys give me how to tell them exactly? I am running out of idea. But I really want to have my FB by myself and free to do anything with that. By far, I am newcomer here. Fb is the only way to see my friends and family in my country. The provider here can't reach my hometown and my family don't have landlines yet so I can contact them via skype. My parents can't use email, my mom just learn how to use basic fb. Different with MIL, they are very tech geek. Landlines is no longer popular,,now everyone use cellphone. I have friends here, but of course I miss my friends back home, too.
R.J. answers from Seattle on February 19, 2012
I grew up in Japan... so I understand what you are saying.... although you may be from another country (Russia, Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, etc.) the idea that "A man may always remarry or have more children but only has one mother" is very strong in Japan.
((For those unfamiliar with Asia... here in the US if your family is in a boat, your wife and mother, and the boat capsizes... the husband is expected to save the wife, as the mother is old and has lived her life already. In the US...If you are in a boat with your mother, wife, and children... you are expected to save your children, as they are least able to save themselves. In ASIA... you are expected to save your mother, as you can always remarry or have more children... but only have one mother. SIMILARLY, households are often 3 generation. Grandparents, parents, children. The elders rule, and the adult children have the same sort of "status" as children do, here. It's a tiered system. The oldest generation is the only one with complete say / full vote. Everyone else must do as they say, follow their wishes. The same way children must heed their parents here. No one is fully "adult" until their parents have passed. ))
I would suggest that you find a cultural center, or the Asian Studies dept at your husband's school. There are often people who can help with the assimilation process and have many good tips/ tricks/ ideas in dealing with family and culture at home... while living here and wanting to be different. (The military also has classes and support for spouses marrying into an american family and similar help in dealing with family back home, and sometimes community outreach for nonmilitary folk in similar positions, but I don't know if there is any military presence in Tempe Az?) Another avenue to explore, since you English is superb, would be translating communities. If you can get a work permit, you may find a lot of support there.
ONE IDEA... would be 2 facebook accounts. One that is for family only, and one that is for your new american friends.
3 moms found this helpful
S.S. answers from Chicago on February 19, 2012
If this is for real, then you really need to put your foot down. i am however seriously wondering. Your spelling is beautiful and it seems you are capable of playing with words, almost for fun. ??? At any rate, I will give this the benefit of the doubt. Quit playing victim and tell them to butt out. Pretty simple. Don't open your door. Tell your husband if he does that with the bank account you will go and ask the bank to change it to your name, or start your own account (remember $3 a day)...and the religion here is rather confusing between the 5 am wake up call, tempeh and the bible I am not sure what on earth you are representing. Anyway, good luck.
3 moms found this helpful
M.C. answers from Detroit on February 19, 2012
Is your husband sick of it just as much as you are? Does your husband know how unhappy you are? If the answer is yes to both questions, then the two of you need to set boundaries with his parents. That won't be easy to break this cycle because this is how your husband was raised and his parents don't know how to be any different. People like your in-laws will suck the livelihood out of you if you allow this to continue. But, both you are your husband need to be on the same page here with his parents. Your husband needs to put his marriage first before his parents. The big question is: Does your husband have the balls to stand up to them and set boundaries to save this marriage? If your husband is having a hard time standing up to his parents, I would find a counselor that both of you can go to who can help you with this. If this situation doesn't change, more than likely, you will leave this marriage at some point. It's scary from reading your post, to think how his parents would react if you left. Maybe his parents are trying to run you out??? I don't know. But, if your husband doesn't back you on this, then it may be time for you to move on from this marriage and cut your losses. Life is too short to be this miserable. You deserve better:)
Wishing you the best.
2 moms found this helpful
K.L. answers from Medford on February 19, 2012
You have many problems with a bothersome mother in law. The one thing you can fix is the bank account problem. They have no right to your income or bank records if you open a new account at a different bank and dont tell them. You can take money out of the other bank and put it in a new account and leave the old account with $10 so that is all they will see in the old bank book. Dont tell them the new bank, or account number and start living on your own supported by you and your husband. If you still owe them money, you can get a money order and have it sent to them and never let them see your new checks on your new account. good luck. They certainly dont sound like nice people.
1 mom found this helpful
T.V. answers from San Francisco on February 19, 2012
What? Are you now living where your husband's parents don't visit?
Who makes the money? No one but you and your husband need to have any say about you income. If your inlaws are giving you money with strings, don't take it.
Move again and don't give anyone your address.
1 mom found this helpful
B.C. answers from Norfolk on February 19, 2012
It sounds like your husband is a student and you/he are dependent upon his parents to pay for school.
While you are dependent upon them, it's hard but they want to know what's happening with the money.
Once he and you have jobs and the debts are paid off, you'll be able to stand on your own and you won't have to tell the inlaws everything.
I'm not sure talking with them will ever change how they are.
Once you can live independently from them, just go your own way and don't report to them.
It might be good to get off Facebook for awhile and socialize locally with people to build your own social circle.
You will get a feel for how other familys work with parental involvement and will be better able to establish some boundaries.
1 mom found this helpful
M.W. answers from Chicago on February 19, 2012
WOW....that is crazy!!!!!! They sound like they are in a cult. Your husband needs to speak up and say no more staying at your house. They need to give you some respect and privacy. I would try to move as far away as possible from them. Seriously. What do your parents think about it? I would not put up with any of it.
1 mom found this helpful
B.A. answers from Chicago on February 19, 2012
Unless you as a couple owe them alot Of money or the pay your Living expenses you should read the bible where it explains you should cleave to your spouse once married. I do not know if you are a young married person or no but suggest strongly you as an adult remove their access from any and all Of your accounts and open New ones. If their name is not on the lease or mortgage have them remove any personal property or ship it to them, it is space you are paying for which you do not have access. Talk to your husband and straighten out how you wish to live your life before his families style becomes your reality.