Unosey Mother in Law!!!

Ugh. This is going to be a long vent. I married to a priest's son and found horrible in laws ever! They are very religious, but in a controlling way. They always "check" if we are going to church, who preach, what sermon was preached, how many people attend and so on. Everytime I stay in their house, they always wake me up at 5 to read bible and be a virtue wife: who wake up and prepare food for all. Everytime we go out, and I meet a friend, they will ask who, how can you be friend, does she is married, how old is she and what is her religion. After we get married, we rent a 4 bedroom house. They chose a room and said that it was their room, locked it and brought some trees to plant despite my disagreements ( that house is known to have lots of snakes,so I ordered to cut the trees). They didn't allow me to be the queen in my house. They will clean the room every weekend when they visit( yes, they visit us every weekend, to ensure we go to church). They also like to enter oour bedroom and while talking,they checked my wardrobe and asked the price of my make up or my dress. They also insisted we visit them. But I feel so rejected: they gave me tofu and tempeh everytime I visit, but my husband told me that after I sleep, his mother unlocked a cabinet where she kept the snacks and meat. They also didn't allow me open the fridge. I am not an eater and I can buy food myself, why I have to steal their food? Finally, my husband got a scholarship to US. FREE AT LAST! but no, after we arrived here, my hubby told me that in laws asked the bank book from him. They say they will print it every month so we don't have to deal if anything happens in the hometown, because we are so far away. Finally, my hubby told me that his mother asked his salary and everything. They also insist to be friends in facebook. I ignore it at first, but then mIL starts the survey again. The photos are nice, with whom did you go with, what is her religion, does she has children and how many? She even know exactly the biography of my husband's supervisor. It went like this: why did his parents name the kid Paul if they are not Christian, it seems that Paul has a cute dog, etc. They email my husband everyday. For asking such questions! My husband is firm, he actually told them that they should treat me like him ( silence), never ask unimportant questions ( they blame me for making a distance between them and son), and stop controlling( we asked a counselor to talk to them, but the counselor gave up). Since January, I blocked them from my FB, they can't see my friends and my posts, so they will stop email. Few days ago, I posted about my husband getting sick and apparently an aunt read it and report it to MIL. She messaged me asking why she can't see my post while others can. Actually, I really really want to tell her. But, husband say it is a big zero, she will deny the fact that she is controlling. I believe him, he lived with them for 18 years. He left home because a nice auntie told him to go or he will be their little robot. He had talked to them a lot, but they denied it. What should I do? They look religious, but they are not. And I am sick of it!

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So What Happened?™

We come from Asia, so actually, yes , we are very far away. I regretted that my husband told me about the bank book after we were here. My family actually doesn't like them at all: but my mom is kind of typical asian people. She told me that I should be good to them, to show how well my parents raise me. But I hate being good. I hate being the carpet. My mom also got divorced recently and MIL called my sister to ask why, why my mom's husband cheated on her, and so on. My mom actually was mad ata them, too for not treating me like their son. Because, if we were in my mom's house, she will treat my husband with feast, buy him new clothings and so on. She had asked them why they keep my bankbook, but they told her we want to help. Actually, what we see is that they position themselves as the religious successful people( strong marriage, counselors and elders in church), thus look down on my family ( my mom got divorced, I am not the religious and virtue wife). We had told them about what we feel, a lot! But they always silent and in a few days, deny it and blame me for changing my husband. My husband is on the same track with me: he is quite sick with them, so it's not my fault. He never love his parents. He told me that since he was a baby, his parents often left him for weeks, a missionary trip. When he was 4, he asked to sleep together after his mom left for 2 weeks, but he was rejected: you have Jesus, you sleep with Jesus. It is sad, to be turned off like that. Sadly, he is the only kid, so no other siblings to protest together. We also say this to our uncles and aunties, but they told us to obey our parents, because that's what the Bible say. You know what, I want to be free in facebook. I really don't want to be monitored anymore! I told her that she can't see my post because it seems to be hacked. She asked me to open new account and tell her when it's done. Yes, we owe them money. We borrowed money from bank, but they took over( my husband didn't tell me this, too until they alreadytook over) so now we owe them not bank. We have the money to pay in our bankbook they keep now, but it must be there because it is a deposit to show to US government that my husband has savings to support his dependents during the study here. I told my husband that I don't like owing them, it actually makes them grip their hands tighter on us. The night we left the country, his dad pulled me over and told me: you know that you can go because our money right? You should be thankful to us. What should I do now? They keep emailing us, always remind us we owe them, and blame me if my husband didn't reply. Can you guys give me how to tell them exactly? I am running out of idea. But I really want to have my FB by myself and free to do anything with that. By far, I am newcomer here. Fb is the only way to see my friends and family in my country. The provider here can't reach my hometown and my family don't have landlines yet so I can contact them via skype. My parents can't use email, my mom just learn how to use basic fb. Different with MIL, they are very tech geek. Landlines is no longer popular,,now everyone use cellphone. I have friends here, but of course I miss my friends back home, too.

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R.J. answers from Seattle on February 19, 2012

I grew up in Japan... so I understand what you are saying.... although you may be from another country (Russia, Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, etc.) the idea that "A man may always remarry or have more children but only has one mother" is very strong in Japan.

((For those unfamiliar with Asia... here in the US if your family is in a boat, your wife and mother, and the boat capsizes... the husband is expected to save the wife, as the mother is old and has lived her life already. In the US...If you are in a boat with your mother, wife, and children... you are expected to save your children, as they are least able to save themselves. In ASIA... you are expected to save your mother, as you can always remarry or have more children... but only have one mother. SIMILARLY, households are often 3 generation. Grandparents, parents, children. The elders rule, and the adult children have the same sort of "status" as children do, here. It's a tiered system. The oldest generation is the only one with complete say / full vote. Everyone else must do as they say, follow their wishes. The same way children must heed their parents here. No one is fully "adult" until their parents have passed. ))

I would suggest that you find a cultural center, or the Asian Studies dept at your husband's school. There are often people who can help with the assimilation process and have many good tips/ tricks/ ideas in dealing with family and culture at home... while living here and wanting to be different. (The military also has classes and support for spouses marrying into an american family and similar help in dealing with family back home, and sometimes community outreach for nonmilitary folk in similar positions, but I don't know if there is any military presence in Tempe Az?) Another avenue to explore, since you English is superb, would be translating communities. If you can get a work permit, you may find a lot of support there.

ONE IDEA... would be 2 facebook accounts. One that is for family only, and one that is for your new american friends.

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