Unmotivated 12 Year Old

Have you looked into having an special education evaluation done? Your son sounds like what my son would be if he hadn't gotten special education qualified. Writing was and remains physically painful for my son, and he frustrates easily, despite being very bright in many areas. The basic school day in so many ways does not suit him, and yet he loves to learn.

At our request, my son was evaluated for special education at the start of second grade. At the time I referred to it as this gap, between how it seemed he should be able to perform in school, and the reality of how he was performing in school. Like there was some giant rock in the way that he could feel but couldn't describe. He saw it, and it frustrated him; we saw it, and were confused for him. I wanted to find out how to help him cross that bridge. Honestly, at first the IEP team was skeptical, but they went full force into the evaluation process, and ended up thanking us for requesting it, because they determined that he most certainly needed services and accomodations to succeed in school. He has a school use diagnosis now of mild Aspergers and, honestly, it was like being handed a set of keys.

If your child is failing at school despite appearing to be bright, something is wrong either acedemically (an undiagosed condition or so bright he's bored) or socially (is he being teased?). His response to not knowing how to handle that conflict is to tune out, turn in, self-protect.

Definitely consider Asperger's if you have not already. Contrary to what many believe, these are emotional kids, who simply have brains that work very differently. It's very missunderstood.

While I hate putting kids into labels, ours has been a key. It's what you do with it once you have a label that matters.

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I know all of this can be very difficult. Have you asked the school for an IEP(independant education plan)? If so you can request to have someone from the California diagnostic center to come to the school. They will meet with your son a number of times and then discuss with the school and the parents any problems he may be having and any suggestions on how to help him prosper. There is no charge for the diagnostic center to come and do the evaulation. Here is the website: http://www.dcn-cde.ca.gov/ . The school needs to refer him, meaning that you have to be pushy, but it is worth it. I wish you good luck, don't give up help is out there.

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Have you ever had him tested for any forms of autisim? It sounds kind of like he likes the legos because he hanse some sense of control. In regular school he doesn't have any control, the teachers are in control. Have you ever had him tested for any learning disabilities? If the doc said he doesn't need meds, maybe he has a mild learning disability. Dislexia? Look into the learning disabilities. Maybe he is unmotivated because it is to difficult for him. Maybe look into a tutor?

Advice below sounds worth following up on, but if your son is just bored with school consider a charter school that does not teach traditionally. Kids that don't like traditional schools often flourish in alternative environments.
p.s. = charter schools are public therefore are free

Does the school your child goes too offer a RSP (Resource) class? That would give him the extra help that he needs. Also have you ever had an IEP done on him to see if there is some type of learning disability or anything like that including behaviors? I currently work in special education and I have a child in the classroom that is almost the same as you described with your son. Also maybe you can try and work with the teacher to come up with some items or places he can earn that would motivate him to do his work. You as his mom should have some ideas of things that he really likes to go and do or to receive as a suprise gift or something like that. Another thing maybe is take away the LEGOS until he can do better. You can always use them as something he can earn too.

In my experience I would not rely on the school district to do the evaluation. It sounds like you might need more in depth evaluation than what the district is able to give. It also sounds like you most likely have a very intelligent son, there is just no motivation. I have 2 children with LDs and a nephew who sounds just like your son (even down to the obsession with Legos!) - he is 13. My sister found herself getting depressed and very teary eyed just from constantly trying to get her son exicted about anything! They have put him through a battery of test and have found many answers and the future is looking very bright for them. He is ADHD with a form of depression. All ADHD children have a co-existing diagnosis. Anyway - for them, they went the medication route using Concerta for ADHD and Webutrin for the depression. My sister just told me how now her son takes initiative in family conversations and initiates calling up his friends to plan an activity. If you find yourself down this road - there might be non-medication routes too. I would find yourself an excellent pyscologist or phychiatrist for help. There will probably be a big cost attached to it but take it from me (I did this my two sons) - it is sooo well worth it! It is your child's future! Also, check out www.additudemag.com. Like mamasource it is one I visit daily for great articles and forums. You might find some great advice there too. Best of luck!

C., I've been going down your road, your son sounds like what my 9 year old son would be like if we weren't figuring things out now... Try www.dys-add.com ... click on and go over the warning signs or click on and watch the video "Could it be Dyslexia?" And see if you can relate to any of it. If so, that website is a wonderful resource. Another website that is wonderful with describing what your son might be going through emotionally is www.interdys.org and go to Social and Emotional problems related to... I'm pretty far into this journey and can also help with advice, if you wish to contact me, just send me a message letting me know... Don't give up... Our family is proof that there is hope... L.

The two pieces of advice are excellent. You would be wise to follow them as soon as possible. Request he have a comprehensive evaluation by the school district. Follow that request up in writing, and keep a copy, as there is a strict legal time line that the district must adhere to. I would be sure that the Behavior Specialist is included in the eval, as your son may have developed some habits of manipulation during this process, and that person can help with a family plan to start in a new direction, regardless of what is the root of the issue.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I am confused. You said this was about your son who was an unmotivated 12 year old. In your bio, you said you have a 9 year old son and an 8 year old daughter....

Is there more going on at school or home that you are not aware of?

My husband and I went through some very tough times last year, like a lot of couples do; my 14 year old son became very unmotivated and even started acting out at school - he was looking for attention and reassurance. Only thing is, I didn't realize until recently just how much my son was affected by all of the stress that was going on between my husband and I. (We are conmmitted to each other, but really went through some stressful "I don't really want to talk to you right now" moments last year).

The other thing is, if he's 12, that's about the age the realize that you can't MAKE them do anything. But, boy can you give them consequences.... what are something you can do to reinforce better behaivor in a loving way?

(Dr. Phil? - tee hee)

Hope this helps, R.

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