39 answers

Unique Adoption Situation

We have two boys who are both adopted, one 4 1/2 and one 2. We have also been through the failed adoption of a little girl, in between our boys. Our family is complete and were are content--maybe. Yesterday I got a phone call from the agency through which we adopted our oldest. Our 4 year olds birthmom called them and said she was pregnant again, with a full sibling to our oldest and wants us to adopt the baby. We aren't sure we want a third child (we're working through that together), but more than that are two major concerns. One, how will it affect our 4 year old if we don't adopt the child, and two, how will it affect our 2 year old if we do?

Just looking for some opinions! Thanks!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thanks for all your input! We have talked with several adult adoptees and ultimately have decided to give it a little more time. The birthmom is just a couple of months pregnant, so we still have a little time before final decisions have to be made. Thanks again!

Featured Answers

When we were considering having a third baby, what made me feel like going for the third was the right decision was the thought that I would never regret having another baby, but I just may regret never trying. She's here now, and it's tough with three sometimes, but it's pretty awesome all the time. :)

More Answers

I think what ever you decide will work out. There are a lot of challenges and tough decisions with adoption. This is a very difficult decision. Do what is best for your family right now. I think that is all you can do, because you can't really predict how your children will react as they get older.

I am an adoptive mom. I also gave birth to two. If my 2 cents is worth anything, I'd say adopt the sibling. Whether you believe it or not, genetics are VERY important. Growing up w/o a bio-sibling is different than growing up with one. My girls are all grown now. I can tell you from my 20/20 hindsight that had we been given that choice, it would have made life much easier. Our adopted daughter could never "see" herself in us or our two bio-daughters. It was a wonderful day when we reunited her to her birth mom and she discovered she had two half-sisters. They are all just alike!! We love them right along with all of ours.

K.:
while I have not experienced this situation first hand and thus will not offer what I think you should do/consider or how it may/will effect your kids, I will tell you that I have family friends that were in this same situation (mostly): Boy (adopted), then boy (adopted) with a surprise later that was a girl (adopted and bio sib to the second boy). It has worked wonderfully for them: they see the third as a surprise pregnancy (they only wished for 2 as well) and a special gift from God. The only major difference between them and you may be that the oldest child was a bit older at the time (10 or so) and he had already known he was adopted and it was the younger son that was the bio sib.

Hope you can find some great support from people in this situation and can make a descission best for all those around.

Best of luck!
T.

I forwarded this post and asked my friend who's adopted two girls from different bio parents. (They're 21 & 18 now.)

Here's my message:

The advice for this person's question needs to come from people who have adopted children. If you were in this situation, and your oldest daughter's birth parents had had another baby, what would you have done if they offered the baby to you after you had your second daughter?

Her response:

I would have wanted to adopt the child. Keeping family together is a great thing. I view it like an oops pregnancy. You work it out.

My two cents (I haven't adopted children, so take this or leave it.):

This is a blessed event, if you want another child. Handle it with sensitivity with your second son, because it will make him a middle child and potentially the odd man out. Giving him lots of individual attention from his parents throughout his childhood may help, and is beneficial anyway. Who's to know whether the third child might become extra close with the middle child?

Wow, I think you have some great advise about really praying and finding out all you can... (why is the birth mom still with the same guy but they don't keep their kids?... that seems off)

Any way, I am adopted and I have 2 brothers and a sister I never knew about until I was 20. I was crushed when I learned about them because I thought of all the time we missed together as kids. (especialy my sister who is 13 months older than me)...

I am now 35 and I have contact with my siblings but we are not as close as I would like to be. I am so glad that I was raised by my adoptive parents and would not change that at all but the adoption agency never gave them the option to adopt my sister and me together. (my younger brothers were raised by my birth mom) and I was upset that we were not placed together even though my adoptive mom says that back then in the 70's they often did not adopt siblings together....

so... TMALST, I would really consider adopting a sibling of a child as a blessing and a unique opportunity...

HOWEVER, I would seek the advise of an adoption counsler about how to handle the situation because if your younger son is not related to the others then it could cause him to feel left out or like he does not fit. so with the advise of an adoption counsler they could help you with that issue. But no matter what, tell them that they are loved and cherished and wanted and that if they feel like they dont belong, tell them they belong in your family and God wanted them with you and that is why you adopted them.

Good luck!
A. J

Dear K.,

What a hard decision. I don't think your 2 year old will have an issue with this in the future if you decide to adopt the full sibling of the older son. We have an adopted son and a biological daughter. The are siblings, blood related or not.
I wish you all the best in making this decision.

my personal opinion is that this is a great opportunity for you, however i also feel that you & your husband should want to do this completely and not just because of the situation, you know you shouldnt feel guilt if you do not want to do this just because it is a sibling to your child. also on this note i think that if you do go through with this you should probably talk to the agency & or birth mom about your feelings and let it be known that you cannot just keep taking in children that she has because they are siblings, unless that is what you want to do. but if not you should definately let your feelings be heard. i know a mom who was in this situation and kept taking kids because they were siblings even though she did not necessarily feel that she wanted or was ready for more. so while i think this is great & might be wonderful for your family this is also something you might want to keep in mind.

How does your year old know about all of this? And what if your became pregnant? Your 2 year old would adjust.

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