Unfulfilled Dreams

I wanted to have a second with my bf but he already has 5 kids; he did say yes but by that time I was almost 40; I did get pregnant the next year but lost it after 10 weeks. we now have most of his kids staying with us, as well as my son, and are dealing with teen issues now (which can be a good birth control lol) but i would still have loved to have a baby with him and it makes me sad that it won't happen now.
Ultimately it should be the decision of both of you, especially if he is providing all of the financial support. He may be apprehensive about having enough money before they go to college; or maybe he would like to have extra money for vacations or spending money on the kids, and you :) Definitely have the heart-to-heart though, good idea. Good luck!

Unfortunately, this is one of the few issues on which there is no compromising.

I understand wanting a big family... I have had 13 siblings (deaths, halves and steps included...) and always loved it. I never wanted to have any less than 4 kids... After we had our first, Hubby has decided he doesn't want any more. I finally convinced him that we should have one more, after a few years. I still hope that I will be able to convince him to have a couple more after that, but I highly doubt I will.

The thing I have when one parent is so adamantly against having a child, is that oftentimes their reasons go so much deeper than they are willing to admit. Maybe he struggles to be such a great father, or the fact that the three he already has take up all his free time, and that isn't even enough for him, makes him worry that he WOULDN'T be able to make the time for a fourth... or that the fourth will somehow detract with the relationship he already has with the three. Maybe he sees the way the economy is going, and is scared that they WON'T be able to get loans for school, or maybe it's more important to him to be able to financially help them. You can't discount his emotions out of hand just because you don't agree with them. Even if you are doing most of the work at home, he is putting in just as much work supporting the family, then coming home and spending all his free time with them.

I would have a serious conversation with him, let him know your feelings and how strong they are. But understand that his feelings and reasons are just as legitimate. If you need to, you could even try getting counseling on the subject. It may help you see each others point of views, an help find a resolution without resentment.

I hate to say this, but when it comes to family size many mothers have to sacrifice what their ideal is. Consider yourself lucky that you were able to conceive and give birth to three beautiful children... There are hundreds of women who want nothing more than to be a mother who can't say the same.

Maybe now would be a good time to start on that book?

We all have dreams that do not come true. And we learn to let go of the dream when pursuing it is to our detriment or is impossible to achieve. I wanted to be pregnant, to have children. I had to change that dream to adoption. And it's worked out well for me and my adopted child.

When you insist on having more children when your husband is definitely against it, you're sacrificing your relationship with your husband and the happy family you have to fulfill a dream that's no longer practical. You can adjust your dream to something more easily obtained. I'd switch it to finding ways to be happy with what I have.

Use a positive affirmation. Every time you think about having another one, repeat that you're happy with the 3 that you have. Your thoughts will change.

A job, is different then a life. Comparing fulfilling the dream of a career, to a child...is apples to oranges. They simply don't compare. We all have unfulfilled dreams from our childhood. It's quite easy to dream of a big family, but it's not always easy in life. The reality of parenthood often squashes what ideals we have before we become parents. YOU think he has enough time, YOU think you can make do financially, YOU think he would be an awesome dad to a fourth. This is clearly not what HE thinks. You can't make him think the way you do. You can't dictate someone's feelings. It's unfortunate and sad, but when one spouse is done, the other has to be as well. You yourself, said you were relived after a recent pregnancy scare. Perhaps, when the reality hit you...deep inside you realized it wouldn't be the best situation? Otherwise, why the relief?

I am done at one, and my husband would have liked a second. I just can't do it. I don't want to be a mom of 2. I don't want the pressure. My husband understood that the way HE feels, is not what I feel. He agreed that bringing a child into our home that was not agreed upon, would be very unwise and unfair. That was that. Logic has to override emotions. We are feeling humans, and we want things we can't or shouldn't have just about every day of our lives. At some point, we HAVE to give in and accept, that it's just not wise, and it won't happen. Gosh, my answer sounds so harsh, and that wasn't my intent. I'm sorry about that.

One thing I've learned about growing up is the fact that I've had to set a lot of my childhood dreams aside. They don't always fit nicely into my reality. What's that old saying? Man plans and god laughs? Something like that...

Long story short, I had dreams too but circumstances beyond my control squished them. Medical and financial problems abound. If I got upset and all consumed about it, stomped my foot screaming to the wind, "IT'S NOT FAIR!" I wouldn't be able to fully be invested in the life I DO have.

Try and be happy.

Yep, I always felt 3 or 4 would have been nice, but I look at it this way. My husband didn't want any children and I wanted 4. I would have broken the engagement if we couldn't decide, but we both went half way and had two children. I did have feeling on having 1 more, maybe because I was in my late thirties, I thought menopause is coming soon. Maybe it's a way of feeling young to have another child, or it could have been that I was the third child I felt I had an obligation to have one more. As time goes on, I am just happy I had two healthy boys. I am now 45 and once in a while I get the urge. My husband is dead set against having another one, because raising two children was costly, and I am not sure if we could of afford 3 children. I never really was prepared how much kids cost, and it's a lot of money. So I just look what I have and feel blessed on what I have then what I could of had.

I agree with everyone else. This "dream" falls into a different category. You both have to agree. You can try changing his mind, but you don't want to risk the harmony of your marriage by bringing home another baby when he is adamantly opposed to it. That will be extremely detrimental to the kids you have now.

Try for a heart-to-heart on a good day, and see where it gets you. Then try to find another dream.

I'm kind of in the same boat. We agreed on 4 kids before we got married, then the reality of having children changed his mind, and he's done at 3 kids. My youngest just turned 3, and I would love for him to be a big brother. But my husband is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel regarding the baby years. We've had a couple of big talks over the past couple of years, but I'm really trying to give him space and not pressure him, hoping that the knee-jerk response of "NO!" will fade. At this point though, it'll take divine intervention to change his mind. So, I pray that we can come to a consensus (either he change his mind or I have peace with our current family size). I still think about it often, but not everyday anymore. And I try to love on my friends' babies as often as I can. But here I am on the verge of tears after reading your post. You're not alone! I wish I could give you a more hopeful answer. For now, I intentionally try to not think about it. And when I do, I immediately distract myself. My 3 kids certainly keep me busy enough! I'll be looking back for others' answers though. Best wishes :)

I REALLY understand how you are feeling. I had wanted 4 but we had a really hard time "getting" the third. We wound up adopting which has turned out wonderfully for us but by the time it happened we were on the older side and dealing with a difficult teen. My desire for a 4th has slowly passed, though I am still jealous sometimes when I see a mom with 4! When I get the baby fever, I remind myself that I will be a grandma some day and enjoy cuddling a baby, playing with a toddler etc all over again!
Maybe you could try volunteering with small children, ask preschools and hospitals what they need help with. Open a home based day care? I know none of this is the same as having another. but try it for a few years and see how you feel. You don't have to have that 4th right now! see how you feel in about 2 yrs. See how hubby feels in about 2 yrs. maybe you'll be on the same page. Also think about children out there who need fostering/adopting you sound like a wonderful family for a child who has never know that ! and maybe hubby would feel differently about giving a home to a homeless child rather than bringing another on into the world. You have a lot of love to give, I hope you find a way to share it with the world.

I have 3 boys. The first two are three years apart and planned. The third was not planned per say and came four years after the second. My husband let not only me, but his family, and others know after our second that he thought two kids was enough. I did not. I mentioned wanting another often and we had many discussions, some heated, that ended us in a deadlock. I let it go for a time and I don't know why things changed, but they did. One day, he just decided that it was okay with him.... He decided we should stop using protection and sure enough shortly after I was pregnant. I was scared to tell him, I waited days, and to my surprise, he was so happy.....I think time just changed his mind. The pregnancy was different than the others. I was sicker than a dog for several months and my first ultrasound showed I had an "invisible twin". It was scary and we were worried that the viable baby would have issues. I was so worried that he would regret his decision. He never did. Our third boy was born healthy and my husband was so involved and his experience showed!! I think time has a way of changing things. Give him some time and visit it again.....People change their minds.....good luck to you!