K.C. asks from Rocklin, CA on June 12, 2010
Unexpected Pregnancy at 41 - Rocklin,CA
I'm seeking support. I'm 41 and have been in a relationship for 9 months and just learned I am pregant. I'm devastated. This is completely shocking. I do not believe in abortion yet my boyfriend does not want this baby. He will be 50 yrs. old next week and thinks we are too old. I'm so torn up and only know I cannot terminate. Has anyone gone thru this?
So What Happened?™
Update Aug, 2010
I miscarried at 10 weeks, this after a full ultrasound at 8 weeks and baby had a strong heartbeat. The entire 2 plus months were incredibly stressful yet to miscarry was even more painful. This was about a month ago and I've come a long way but still recovering.
Thanks so much for the wonderful replies. I've been a single mom for 10 yrs already to a wonderful daughter. I have a good job and can do this on my own if I have to. I do not believe terminating this pregnancy is the right choice for me. I love my boyfriend and am crazy about him. I would be less devastated if he was supportive. He however is newly divorced with 2 teenagers and does not want to start a new family. Short of asking me to terminate, he tells me I am selfish and we are too old and he cannot get his head around this. As well, he says his feelings for me and love have nothing to do with this decision. I think differently of course. Beyond this, I believe I have to make it as positive as I can to get through this. My boyfriend has already begun distancing himself and told me he will make no commitments and he already has 2 kids that are his number 1 priority. I understand his fears and shock, but I'm just as surprised and hurt to learn he views this has a huge problem that needs to go away.
T.B. answers from San Francisco on June 14, 2010
Many loving couples have been waiting for months or years to adopt. There is counseling, etc. throughout the process. Investigate that option.
A.S. answers from Modesto on June 13, 2010
K.M. answers from San Francisco on June 13, 2010
I'm 42 and am pregnant with #3. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I Love being an older Mom. Makes things more relaxed and easy. You could consider adoption though. Lots of Mommies that have a lot of Love to give to that child they cannot have.
M.C. answers from Detroit on June 12, 2010
Congratulations:) I haven't been in that specific situation, but I had my last baby at 40 (he's 9 mos. old now), I'm 41, and my hubby will be 50 in October. My mother who will turn 84 this July, had me at 42 (back in 1968, mind you) and my dad was 46. My mom takes great enjoyment in my children as well. So, you are not alone. Many of us have children late in life and it is a joy and a blessing. This child will be the greatest gift that you have ever received. He or she will be young and energetic enough to be there for you when you need them. I am my mother's rock and her confidante. I have to older siblings who are old enough to be my parents, but are not as close to my mom as I am. Fifty is not old nowadays. There are men older than he is having children. Older parents have more patience and tend to enjoy their children more too. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle.
4 moms found this helpful
A.M. answers from Dallas on June 12, 2010
i have not gone thru this, but you have to do what you feel is right. i think you are never too old if you really believe in having the baby. my hubby and i were WAY older first time parents (in the mid to late 40's) and we have found that if you think young and you are around a baby...it makes you feel young again. yes you will be tired beyond belief about the first 18 mos, but it is worth it. would you be devastated if you bf was happy about the baby? sending tons of support your way!!!
3 moms found this helpful
N.S. answers from Chicago on June 12, 2010
You could look into adoption. I was adopted, so I know that it is a wonderful way to give a child to a family that wants one.
I would seek some help, and give your boyfriend some time to get used to the idea. He may change his mind once he has gotten over the shock. It can be quite shocking at first, and of course you are both going to go through many different feelings.
Love knows no age boundaries. I can't think of an age that's "too old" when it comes to loving and raising a child. Many children are raised by their grandparents. So there isn't an age that's "too old."
2 moms found this helpful
L.S. answers from San Diego on June 12, 2010
First of all congratulations! I had my first and only child at 41 and I can say that at 41 I was better prepared in my life to be a mother. My husband was 60 at that time! Yes, we are older parents but the joy it has given our lives is and continues to be immeasurable. Its just so amazing and I am loving the journey. You have a very difficult decision before you and you have to search your heart. As for being too old, that isn't the case nowadays where so many people are waiting to have children later in life. I've run into so many older mothers at my son's school. If your boyfriend of 9 months doesn't want this baby and you do then you must do what you feel is right for you. I wish you the best.
1 mom found this helpful
D.K. answers from Sioux City on June 12, 2010
I have a wonderful one year old and I am 41. She is the best surprise I have ever received.
I have had two babies die before their birth and held their little dead bodies in my hands. Will regret an abortion for the rest of your life. It was incredibly painful to go through the deaths of those two children. The only thing that could possibly make it more painful is to know that I caused it.
I know of many people who would take your baby and raise it if you want to adopt the baby out. I would would take the child in a heart beat. Babies are treasures, the most precious gift you will ever receive.
PM me if I can help.
1 mom found this helpful
T.N. answers from Albany on June 12, 2010
I have not gone through your specific situation, but I'm a 43 yo mom of 3 teenagers who REALLY regrets having my tubes tide after my third. You do not mention your financial situation, but ANYTHING is possible for a baby who is wanted and loved. The father does not HAVE to be a part of the childs life if he chooses not (incredible to me), but you will be able to get financial support from him. I want to say congratulations! I know it is difficult but me and my guy (54 yo) would LOVE to be in your position. Call on your family and friends for support, and look into adoption like someone else mentioned. Good luck and God Bless, keep us posted!
1 mom found this helpful
I.S. answers from San Francisco on June 13, 2010
You know you will be carrying this baby to term. This is your "unexpected but pleasant surprise"... not your "secret". Do not honor his wishes by staying quiet or considering termination. Honor your baby by sharing your news with friends and family. The dynamics of your relationship have changed dramatically... you need to assess the strength of his involvement immediately. If you had to chose between your daughter and your boyfriend your daughter would win out hands down and he'd be out of the picture immediately... it's the same for your baby. No amout of peer pressure or talking from family and friends is going to change his true feelings. Be wary of the Hororable Thing To Do... this spells doom for your family as his resentment will be a dark cloud over everyone. Many families are made by single pregnant women who decide just before or after birth that adoption is the best plan for their baby. You and your existing family have months ahead of you to determine your path and your discussing options with them will be a good example for your daughter. She will see you going through the evaluation steps and have confidence and peace with whatever comes in the decision. You are making this decision for you and your family as it exists now... your boyfriend and his actions do not figure into this in any way. Let your boyfriend decide if he's going to share the news with his family... his level of responsibility and accountability is his choice. Leave his name out of everything as his sage advice has already merited. If he comes calling for parental rights in the future let him earn them legally... he's already refused the gift of a child he created - he's done for now.
J.R. answers from Miami on June 12, 2010
we had our first when I was 41. He is a true blessing. Yes sometimes I wish I were younger with more energy, but I agree with the below; the Lord does not send what you cannot handle. Having a baby has stretched me and grown me in ways I could not have imagined. I now want another if I can (my husband is unsure). I would be at least 44 if it happens :)
I won't repeat the good advice, but I wanted to send a hug and blessings your way.