Unexpected Pregnancy at 41 - Rocklin,CA

Congratulations:) I haven't been in that specific situation, but I had my last baby at 40 (he's 9 mos. old now), I'm 41, and my hubby will be 50 in October. My mother who will turn 84 this July, had me at 42 (back in 1968, mind you) and my dad was 46. My mom takes great enjoyment in my children as well. So, you are not alone. Many of us have children late in life and it is a joy and a blessing. This child will be the greatest gift that you have ever received. He or she will be young and energetic enough to be there for you when you need them. I am my mother's rock and her confidante. I have to older siblings who are old enough to be my parents, but are not as close to my mom as I am. Fifty is not old nowadays. There are men older than he is having children. Older parents have more patience and tend to enjoy their children more too. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle.

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i have not gone thru this, but you have to do what you feel is right. i think you are never too old if you really believe in having the baby. my hubby and i were WAY older first time parents (in the mid to late 40's) and we have found that if you think young and you are around a baby...it makes you feel young again. yes you will be tired beyond belief about the first 18 mos, but it is worth it. would you be devastated if you bf was happy about the baby? sending tons of support your way!!!

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You could look into adoption. I was adopted, so I know that it is a wonderful way to give a child to a family that wants one.

I would seek some help, and give your boyfriend some time to get used to the idea. He may change his mind once he has gotten over the shock. It can be quite shocking at first, and of course you are both going to go through many different feelings.

Love knows no age boundaries. I can't think of an age that's "too old" when it comes to loving and raising a child. Many children are raised by their grandparents. So there isn't an age that's "too old."

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First of all congratulations! I had my first and only child at 41 and I can say that at 41 I was better prepared in my life to be a mother. My husband was 60 at that time! Yes, we are older parents but the joy it has given our lives is and continues to be immeasurable. Its just so amazing and I am loving the journey. You have a very difficult decision before you and you have to search your heart. As for being too old, that isn't the case nowadays where so many people are waiting to have children later in life. I've run into so many older mothers at my son's school. If your boyfriend of 9 months doesn't want this baby and you do then you must do what you feel is right for you. I wish you the best.

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I have a wonderful one year old and I am 41. She is the best surprise I have ever received.

I have had two babies die before their birth and held their little dead bodies in my hands. Will regret an abortion for the rest of your life. It was incredibly painful to go through the deaths of those two children. The only thing that could possibly make it more painful is to know that I caused it.

I know of many people who would take your baby and raise it if you want to adopt the baby out. I would would take the child in a heart beat. Babies are treasures, the most precious gift you will ever receive.

PM me if I can help.

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I have not gone through your specific situation, but I'm a 43 yo mom of 3 teenagers who REALLY regrets having my tubes tide after my third. You do not mention your financial situation, but ANYTHING is possible for a baby who is wanted and loved. The father does not HAVE to be a part of the childs life if he chooses not (incredible to me), but you will be able to get financial support from him. I want to say congratulations! I know it is difficult but me and my guy (54 yo) would LOVE to be in your position. Call on your family and friends for support, and look into adoption like someone else mentioned. Good luck and God Bless, keep us posted!

1 mom found this helpful

You know you will be carrying this baby to term. This is your "unexpected but pleasant surprise"... not your "secret". Do not honor his wishes by staying quiet or considering termination. Honor your baby by sharing your news with friends and family. The dynamics of your relationship have changed dramatically... you need to assess the strength of his involvement immediately. If you had to chose between your daughter and your boyfriend your daughter would win out hands down and he'd be out of the picture immediately... it's the same for your baby. No amout of peer pressure or talking from family and friends is going to change his true feelings. Be wary of the Hororable Thing To Do... this spells doom for your family as his resentment will be a dark cloud over everyone. Many families are made by single pregnant women who decide just before or after birth that adoption is the best plan for their baby. You and your existing family have months ahead of you to determine your path and your discussing options with them will be a good example for your daughter. She will see you going through the evaluation steps and have confidence and peace with whatever comes in the decision. You are making this decision for you and your family as it exists now... your boyfriend and his actions do not figure into this in any way. Let your boyfriend decide if he's going to share the news with his family... his level of responsibility and accountability is his choice. Leave his name out of everything as his sage advice has already merited. If he comes calling for parental rights in the future let him earn them legally... he's already refused the gift of a child he created - he's done for now.

Dear KAC,
we had our first when I was 41. He is a true blessing. Yes sometimes I wish I were younger with more energy, but I agree with the below; the Lord does not send what you cannot handle. Having a baby has stretched me and grown me in ways I could not have imagined. I now want another if I can (my husband is unsure). I would be at least 44 if it happens :)

I won't repeat the good advice, but I wanted to send a hug and blessings your way.

Jilly.

Follow your heart and never go against yourself and you will never have regrets...Please know that if you do not feel you can raise this little one, there are so many loving homes that would welcome him...but you seem like a wonderful mama from your post so I bet your heart is already making space and plans for the new love of your life. Best to you and how lucky you are to be in this situation.

Hi K. C,

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this when it is not what you planned for. As they say, life is what happens while you are making plans!

I would like to address the issue of your boyfriend. My first reaction is to think "too bad he doesn't want the baby. He should have thought about that as he obviously knows how one is made"! But, just trying to understand his reaction, I can see how he would now feel powerless and just want it all to go away, at first new of this. Us women obviously feel differently when the news of an unexpected pregnancy hits us as the baby is alive and in our bodies. That greatly influences our feelings about it all. You may not have planned this or logically think it is a good idea, but you have no choice but to deal with what is. As the baby grows, as mothers, our feelings become maternal and we bond with our baby whether we planned it or not. There is no escaping it, no minimizing it, it is what it is.

For your boyfriend, it is much harder to accept the reality of it all. I wouldn't necessarily judge him too harshly on his initial reaction. He seems to understand the enormity of being a parent and knows his responsibility is to the two he already made. He can't imagine how this would impact all of that and it is easier for him to deny it is happening. Sometimes when we are in shock, we have not had time to accept reality especially when it is just unexpected/undesired news at this point. It hasn't had a chance to become real to him yet. If he takes his responsibility of being a parent seriously, once this child is a reality to him, he will step up to the plate with this one too. He may be embarrassed that this has happened with a relatively new girlfriend to whom he hasn't even decided how she fits into his future yet. This seems like a big mess to him. Two sets of children with two different women he is not married and committed to is a lot worse seemingly than one mistake. He may be imagining his family's reactions including his parents, his teenage children and his ex wife's. He may feel like a hypocrite to his teenagers if he is teaching them not to go around making babies before they are married, or at least in a serious permanent relationship.

I have known people who have said that a child was unexpected and, even, unwanted at first news of it. All of them have said afterwards that they can't imagine life without the child now. It will take time, but he will realize that this child is his child as much as the other two are. It is just a concept right now, not a person.

You just have to look at this as a gift. We don't know why things happen the way they do and when they happen outside of our little mental plan, it can be very hard to accept. That is why we have nine months to prepare ourselves for it. Once it is spoken about, no longer a shocking little secret, and it becomes real to everyone (your daughter realizes she is no longer an only child, his and your parents realize they have a new grandchild on the way, etc) you will be able to start enjoying the amazing gift of life that so many people pray and wish for but it never eventuates.

Give it time. Take care. You will never look back.

Hello. I have not gone through your situation but one of my close friends did. She got pregnant at 42 (after being told she couldn't) with a younger man. This man didn't want anything to do with the baby. My friend knew she wanted it, and she was very pleasent to the father during her pregnancy, letting him be on his own and not being there for her or their unborn child. Well when the baby was born he saw the lil boy twice and signed over his rights. It was sad that someone could just give up their rights. My friend is a greta mom, and there are a ton of later in life mommas out there! I know you mentioned your boyfriend thinks you are too old, but you didn't mention how you felt other then torn. Do you feel you are too old? Do you want to keep this baby? I would weigh all your options and truely explore how you feel about this without letting your boyfriends opinion effect how you feel and what your decision might be. I wish you good luck and send you lots of strength.

I am an adoptive mother of 2....have you ever thought of placing your baby up for adoption....something you might want to look into....and think about....

I'm 43..and am still at the belief that when two people have sex....you have a chance of getting pregnant no matter what kind of birth control you are taking.....you have a choice of keeping the child....and thank you for making the choice of life and your partner must have forgotten that it takes two to make a child with or without birth control. If you decide to keep your child, maybe he'll change his thinking...but move on....you may lose him...so really your choice is him or the baby...if you choose him, please place your child up for adoption....You can even pick your adoptive parents. Our birth mom chose us and we are so thankful for her gift of our daughters.

If you choose to raise your child and partner says adios.....only say positive things about him to your child...negative stuff just isn't good...but tell truth when your child can understand..."your birth father felt he was too old to raise a child and didn't think he would be a good father and thought it was best....but he cared enough about you to have mommy be your mommy and take care of you...."

Good luck in your decisions.

Call Bethany's House and ask to talk with Jill. ###-###-####. She went through this at a similar age and found a plan that worked for her (adoption). She can tell you the pros and cons. She is very happy with her decision to carry the baby and place him with a family who was waiting for a child.

I had my first child at 39 and second one at 42, so age is not your biggest issue I dont think.......its all the "other" stuff... the father, the time it takes and money........the gigantic responsibility........I guess I'd ask yourself if you feel you can do it on your own without him? ....do you have other children, family? You didnt give very much info. Maybe you could add more??? Do you see yourself with this guy long term? Especially after he's said he doesnt want you to have the baby? I'd think this would change your relationship even if you gave up the baby. You do need support, who do you have to turn to? It's not easy raising kids....but it's the best thing in the world too....... that's why I was wondering if you have raised kids before, have family, sisters, support from other than the boyfriend. I am now 46 doing the mom thing big time and they keep me super busy, but I have a supportive husband. We struggle as my career went bye bye for now, but since we both wanted the children and are committed to each other, we are staying together and are able to deal with the sacrafices. It 's a very "real" situation for you, so try not to get scared. Just think it out and decide what you want, then do it. (and dont regret whatever decision you make) It's yours to make.

I have not gone through this myself, but I have a few friends that had surprise babies in their mid forties, there was initial shock, but each mama is so happy that they have their babies and are making it work for themselves, One friend's relationship did not make it, but she is happier than ever to be a mom and is in a new relationship, so you never know what the world will bring you, or how it will work out for the best, Listen to your heart and have your miracle baby

When I had an unexpected pregnancy - I also was met with "we can't, no, we're not doing this etc..." Not to be judgemental, but termination was also not an option for me. I didn't know what the future would hold but knew that I was going forward with this. In the 1st few months, it did help me to look at Dear Birthmother letters to know that even that possibility was an incredible one- there were tons of people desperate for a baby - and maybe if nothing else worked out for me, it just gave me solace to know there was no bad option. So I would suggest in your most worried moments, start looking at these adoption Dear Birthmother letters- not that you need to take that option, but it is there and you will feel great about carrying this baby. It can also help you to know how much you really want this and can't bear giving up a child (or possibly can?) As I grew more and more pregnant, I knew this was my baby and he's just incredible- and I love him SO much and feel so lucky to have him. This guy you're with may come around but it's too high risk for you to count on. Just keep moving forward and you will know what to do and all the incredible joy that is ahead. Have no fear, this IS the best thing to ever happen to you! Best wishes!!!

Yes and actually I was 42 and my boyfriend (baby's dad) was 49 at the time. We have dated for more than 5 years though and although I did not want to keep the baby when I found out, it was too late as I was 3 months along. The baby's dad is now 51 and I am now 44 and it is tough but if you want a child, they are the greatest thing God could give. If the other person however is not of the same mind, you will be doing a lot of single parenting. If you are strong and have support you can do it. The fact that you are so early in your relationship does not help and I personally would not keep the child unless you are ready to be alone. It may be hard but you definitely need to discuss this with your other half and do it honestly, openly and now!
Good luck.
T.

I can tell that you are upset.......and I can understand........you need to take some time, get away and think about this. First off, the one question you need to answer is about you. If the boyfriend was happy and wanted this baby, would you? If the answer is yes, then you have decisions to make......You don't say that you love this guy, you just say you're in a relationship.......Here's some questions that need answers........and it's you that must answer them.
1. Do you want this child? With or without your boyfriend.
2. Can you support the child?
3. Can you carry the child and then give it up for adoption?
4. Do you have help if you keep the baby from family or friends.

You can go through the pro's and con's of keeping it, or giving it up, but the bottom line is what YOU can live with. And this has nothing to do with your boyfriend. If he is involved, great, if not, it's up to you. Either way, even if you get him to accept this pregnancy, it doesn't mean that he will be a good father......doesn't mean he will be a bad one either...........I've known men who absolutely didn't want a baby, then when it came, they fell head over heels.......but that isn't something you can base your decision on.

You are going to be with this child no matter what if you keep it.......I've known ladies that had this type of "surprise" and 99% of the time, it's been a joyous thing for them......even when they didn't think it would be.........but you know your life style, financial ability and health.......I don't........

I will say a prayer for you to make a decision that you can live with.......and I hope that things work out wonderful for you either way.

I could not give it up, I would forever wonder what it was doing, where it was, ect...........but that is me.....

Good Luck, take care and things will be ok.....hang in there......And Congratulations.......

Yes and No ! Did I have this experience? I wasn't 41 but 38 with 4 other children and no health insurance, limited income and my husband at the time said to get rid of it. It was my body and I couldn't abort. Never happen. I won't say it wasn't difficult but once he was born , he was a delight and one of the best things that ever happened to us. I am glad I made a great choice!
In a day when easy out is the answer living by convictions is difficult. Prayer is a great source. Your never to old. You didn't mention if you have othrr children, plan to marry, have a job, insurance. How do you feel or what do you want.
Actually, being older one has flexibility, maturity and babies are adaptible to any circumstance. Stephen was camping at 2 weeks old.

Hi there,

I know you've received a bunch of suggestions so far, but I thought I would toss my experience in as well. I was much younger (early 20's) when I found out I was pregnant. It was not a planned pregnancy and the guy I was dating was not interested at all. Anyway, the long and short of it was I was not willing to terminate the pregnancy so I had to figure out another option. I was finally shown an option that ended up working beautifully for me. I was given a flyer for the Independent Adoption Agency-they are in the bay area- and I called and set up an appointment here in Sacramento to meet with a social worker from the agency. They were wonderful and did not put any pressure on me in any way. They told me about open adoption - I got to choose my baby's parents and have since kept in fairly close contact - and I felt like that was something I could do. I knew that if I had to that I could be a single parent but that was not my first choice. I did find a wonderful couple to parent my baby and he will be 14 this summer. We are close and it's been so nice for everyone in the family-me, his parents and my birth son-that he can call me when he has questions about his adoption and about the choices I once made. There is no secrecy or shame and I feel so blessed in so many ways. This may not be a choice you are considering and that's ok too. I just thought I would share what I went through with you so that you know that there are other positive options to consider as well. Hang in there and know that whatever decision you make for you and your baby, it will be the right one!! Good luck and many blessings to you.

Hi Mama-
I can't say I have gone through this, but I have seen other people do it.
First and foremost, as harsh as this sounds, pregnancy is always a possible side effect when one is having sex. It just is.
Second, since you do not belive in termination, that only leaves you with one option- to have the baby. So go and get yourself the proper medical help ASAP and get this child as healthy as possible.
Third, your man....any man who cannot take responsibility for his part in this is not worthy of you. I understand that he may not have wanted a child- and neither did you...but now you both have one and it's time to make that grown up decision of whether or not BOTH of you will be responsible for it or just you. It sounds like he cannot cope because he does not want to cope. He may be wonderful guy, but this pregnancy is a true test of what he is made of. And you never know, at some point, he may want to be involved, but if it is not soon, then it's back to single mother hood, and for that, I am so sorry.
I can only say that I have the deepest sympahty for you I applaude you for taking this on. You seem like a wonderful mother already to your 10 year old and this is just a new step in life's journey for you.
Be strong, be courageous, and love this baby. With or without a man, you have proven yourself capable.
Good luck.
-E. M

First of all, good luck with what ever you decide to do. But I'd just like to say that there are soooo many couples who can't have children who would LOVE to raise your baby and love on him or her.
People wait many agonizing years to adopt a child. So if you decide not to keep your baby, adoption is a beautiful thing.
Good luck!
C.

I'm 42 and am pregnant with #3. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I Love being an older Mom. Makes things more relaxed and easy. You could consider adoption though. Lots of Mommies that have a lot of Love to give to that child they cannot have.

It sounds from your update like you have made the right decision for yourself. If your boyfriend chooses to distance himself, I suggest you cut him loose. Nothing is worse for a child than a father who resents him or her. They can sense it from a very early age, and it's devastating for them. If he has decided he doesn't want to go through the little-kid stage again, that's fine. Let him go, grieve the loss, and move on to the new chapter in your life. Embrace this new gift for you and your daughter and enjoy it.
Also, age has nothing to do with it. My friend and her husband were 41 and 58 when they had their first. And my husband was 49 when our daughter was born. And we're all having a blast with our kids!

I'm so sorry you are finding yourself in a situation that is not ideal. I'm sorry that your boyfriend is not as committed to having a family with you as he should be in this situation. At least you know how he feels now. I am so thankful that you are so strong in your decision to not abort your baby. There are so many pressures on women to do this when it is inconvenient to carry on with a pregnancy. I am 43. My husband and I so desire more children. You are definitely not too old. If you were, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant. : ) We're still holding out for more. They keep you young. My youngest was born when I was 39. It was my best pregnancy of all (I have 6). So, I guess the big question now is do you want to keep bf around since he has been so clear about how he feels about you and your child? I don't know if I could be with a man who deserted his first family and is indicating that he will do the same to his second. Perhaps he isn't the kind of man you need.

This boyfriend is a creep and you need to let him go. The baby will bring you 100 times the love and joy than anyone like this could. My grandson's biological donor is exactly the same way. I'm so glad that he's not in our lives. I actually feel worse for him because he doesn't know what he's missing.

You have the experience, maturity, and tools to do this the right way. I hope you kick this JA to the curb.

Many loving couples have been waiting for months or years to adopt. There is counseling, etc. throughout the process. Investigate that option.

Sweetie, I don't think you are the one being selfish. He might just be freaking out about turning 50 and hopefully he will realize that he is still young, this wonderful birthday gift proves it. Let him have his freak out, even though you don't have the same luxury. You likely have awesome girlfriends who would love to help you, and you have your daughter. The two of you are already a great team. Your fellow mamas are here for you. Rock on.

I have not read the other answers you have received. but I would like to suggest that you seriously consider adoption. there are many families who want a baby. If this is as devastating as it sounds for you and he is not at all interestd in having another baby you should consider it.

Hi there,
My husband is 50 and we just had our 2nd child - as a matter of fact, last night he mentioned that he could definitely go for one more. Do you have children already? I can tell you that children are the only true miracle that we can experience and that there is no greater love you will feel than the love for your child. pretty amazing. I can also tell you that choosing to terminate a pregnancy can be emotionally devastating and painful in many ways. Bottom line, we are older parents and very happy and healthy. I welcome you to contact me if you'd like to talk/ ask questions/ whatever. Please take good care of yourself. N.

(if he didn't want a baby he should have worn a condom)

you got so many wonderful responses. however, none that i read dealt with the issue of termination. why don't you want to terminate the pregnancy if it is devastating you? if it is out of guilt, please don't feel guilty. you are a person too. i've never had an abortion and i don't wish it on anyone, but it is a real option. maybe you should get some counseling to help you with your decision.
i wish you all the best!

KAC you sound like a strong person. I understand you're shocked, but you are not too old. I am newly pregnant at 41. I haven't been through this situation, but I admire you for not terminating this precious life.

Perhaps, Reva, the reason why no responses deal with the issue of termination is becase KAC mentions twice in her orignal posting that she does not beleive in abortion and she cannot terminate.

I'm so glad you decided not to terminate; I know you're upset but this is such a blessing in disguise, this baby was meant to be. as the pregnancy goes on you'll find yourself so excited and looking forward to every milestone.
I'm going crazy trying to have another baby and I wish so much to be pregnant right now. But I have to have patience time is not right in this moment but hopefully next year I can experience pregnancy again.
Good luck and congratulations on your precious gift!

I have not gone through this situation, but I did have a baby at 39. I had a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy.
I'm sorry your signif other feels so strongly. Trust YOUR gut.
I'm glad he thinks his life is not to be further complicated but the fact remains: he made a human.
Get a paternity test and file for support after you have this baby. He is morally responsible for the support of this child.
God Bless!
p.s. I think a baby is always a good thing! :-)

You've already gotten many responses, and I have nothing new to add, but you have my support ...your beautiful baby alone, will be worth your effort and will be your reward for your strength and integrity.

Good for you for doing what is right for you. And if going through with the pregnancy is what you are choosing, I think that is incredible. It is what I would do too. Your daughter will be like a second Mommy to this baby. What I wouldn't have given to have a new baby in the house when I was 10! I would have been in heaven. Cheers and Congrats!
P.S. Your boyfriend may change his mind once the baby is born--and if he doesn't, well, I guess it is a testament to his character.