Undecided About Spouse

It never dawned on me that he was worth it. Because he wasn't. And neither was I. We were at a stalemate; neither of us could be in it or get out of it. It was the messiest situation I could ever have imagined. I was in complete despair. When you hit rock bottom, the only place to look is up. And so I did. What I found was what I didn't even know I was looking for...peace. The ability to stand still and breathe. I was still expected to do my part, certainly, but my part wasn't nearly as large as I thought. I took a step or two forward and found God backing me up. So I got ambitious and took another couple of steps forward. God told me to step aside. I was letting Him work on my heart; now it was time to get out of His way and let Him work on my husband's. I quit nagging and lowered my expectations to the ground. I accepted as much of my husband's load as I could while taking that and mine to Jesus. It was still a struggle, but at least I could breathe! And in His time (which I expected to be so much longer!), He changed both of us, healed our marriage, and pulled us up out of our financial pit and my emotional one. He set us up to live to the absolute fullest. And He did it in a couple of years! We'd been so thoroughly set up to fail; there's no earthly explanation for how that happened.

But, hey, if your hard-drive is fried, you take it to a computer specialist. If your son has an ear infection, you take him to the pediatrician. Our marriage was splintered beyond recognition. Beyond repair or healing. We needed a new one. Fortunately, my husband and I both know the Designer of marriage personally. ;) I hope you give Him the chance we did, L..

My very best to your family ~
R.

2 moms found this helpful

L., wow; things just aren't easy right now, eh? Life kind of goes like that. I'm so impressed that you admitted to your part of it with the nagging and yelling and what-not, even though he is still responsible for his actions as well. Also, the forgiveness is key as well for your sanity. Are you a Christian? Both forgiveness and not nagging are Biblical spiritual principles/laws. Jesus said that He'll forgive us if we forgive, and Proverbs says that it's better to be on the far corner a roof than to live with a nagging wife. Boy do I know how hard that is, because it's not a part of our culture or nature to be a loving, respectful wife to our husbands.

With that said, I would definitely not suggest dating right now since you don't have closure. Also, if you change to do things better, it shouldn't be just for him, but because it's right and you're life will be more blessed because of it. It will also benefit your kids a lot. Whatever you allow yourself to participate in regularly with your attitude and emotions will be what they learn to do as well.

So, those are my thoughts. I have found that prayer and closeness with Jesus is the safest place to remain. The Bible says He is the King of all the kings of the earth - that gives Him a lot of authority and power to change things (and us!) on this earth, even more so when we hear His heart, learn His will, agree with Him, and pray accordingly.

Thank you for being so open and desirous to do things right. I've seen marriages like yours get totally restored and healed by God, but at the same time, you'll have to use insight about where your family and husband are at and what steps to take now. If you let him spend time with your kids, I'd highly suggest being there during those times and watching how he talks to them and what-not, not suspiciously, but just to come to grips with if his words match his actions. Again, praying for him and prayer for insight is super-helpful if you proceed along that road.

I'd like to pray for you now if you don't mind. If you're not comfortable with that you can stop reading, but I believe it will help:
Lord, I just ask you for mercy for L.. You see her heart; you've seen everything that's gone on in the back room, and you know her hurt. Nothing is a surprise to you. I ask for mercy, that you would forgive her sins and break in with peace for her. I pray that your peace would surround her and that she would have a determination to do her part in this whole situation. I pray that you would give her wisdom and insight and that you would reveal; please reveal You're heart to her - that she would be overwhelmed with you're goodness. You truly are a good God, and YOUR love for her is greater than any human love she has ever experienced on this planet. You died on the cross so that we can have full access to the One who loves us that much - thank you. And, in that, I thank you that you have felt everything that she's feeling because You experienced it too on this earth - rejection, pain, hurt, hopelessness. Thank you that you can identify with her in every way. Now, I pray that You, the "God of all comfort" would comfort her with your leadership that is good and trustworthy. We pray these things in Jesus name, Amen.

2 moms found this helpful

The ONLY way I was able to forgive my husband and move foward into the future married to him was through Christ. I know that might sound preachy, but it is the only reason we are still married and have a good relationship. It took two years of christian counseling for him before he broke down and really changed. In the mean time I went to counseling, and read lots of books on marriage. I did not want to forgive him, it hurt to much, one of the books I read reminded me when Christ died on the cross to forgive my sins it was painful. Forgiving my husband was painful. We have a good marriage now, still lots to work on, but we're committed. I hope this helps and if you want to talk let me know.
R.

1 mom found this helpful

L.,

It sounds like you have already made your decision. Move on and keep working on yourself. Having a baby is a BIG deal and if he wasn't ready to be a father when you were pregnant and after you had the baby, then he will never be ready. You don't need to put yourself though all the hurt feelings and doubt again. If you have been making it without him, then GREAT! Keep up the good work and realize that you are not only doing it for yourself, but the kids don't need to see you go through it again either. Be strong, you are stronger than you think.

My only advice is to take your time. Your youngest is only seven months old! Before you start thinking too much about re-marrying or dating other people, give yourself some time to get centered. So you're in "limbo" right now. What's wrong with limbo? You have your whole life to find a man, but only a few short years with these precious little ones. And the decision you make will affect them for the rest of their lives. Take your time, consider things, observe things, and you might find that the decision makes itself.

And one possible idea...rather than committing to a fresh marriage with this guy, how about DATING him for a while? Start over from scratch and build new levels of trust together. And take it really, really slow. If he's truly committed to you, he'll be patient. If not, at least you'll have found out beforehand.

Hang in there!

Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and depend on??? That is the question you need to answer. Good luck!

When does it dawn on you that he is worth it?

When does it dawn on you that YOU are worth it???

Listen to your inner voice L.. It sounds like you already know what to do and you are much stronger than you believe you are. Find yourself first...it's HARD work, and be there for your children. One last thing....CHILD SUPPORT and if he is willing and mature enough, work out an amniable relationship together for the sake of your children's emotional well being.
Now how much do you love him? And how much do you love yourself and your children?

Much good energy to you

A.

Think about the kids first. Think about whether or not Mommy will wake up with a smile on her face to greet her babies each day, or if she will wake with regret and and dissatisfaction with her life. Will he be a good father, or do you foresee dissapointment. Trust your gut, your heart doesnt know whats good for you.
Good luck.