Undecided About Spouse

L., wow; things just aren't easy right now, eh? Life kind of goes like that. I'm so impressed that you admitted to your part of it with the nagging and yelling and what-not, even though he is still responsible for his actions as well. Also, the forgiveness is key as well for your sanity. Are you a Christian? Both forgiveness and not nagging are Biblical spiritual principles/laws. Jesus said that He'll forgive us if we forgive, and Proverbs says that it's better to be on the far corner a roof than to live with a nagging wife. Boy do I know how hard that is, because it's not a part of our culture or nature to be a loving, respectful wife to our husbands.

With that said, I would definitely not suggest dating right now since you don't have closure. Also, if you change to do things better, it shouldn't be just for him, but because it's right and you're life will be more blessed because of it. It will also benefit your kids a lot. Whatever you allow yourself to participate in regularly with your attitude and emotions will be what they learn to do as well.

So, those are my thoughts. I have found that prayer and closeness with Jesus is the safest place to remain. The Bible says He is the King of all the kings of the earth - that gives Him a lot of authority and power to change things (and us!) on this earth, even more so when we hear His heart, learn His will, agree with Him, and pray accordingly.

Thank you for being so open and desirous to do things right. I've seen marriages like yours get totally restored and healed by God, but at the same time, you'll have to use insight about where your family and husband are at and what steps to take now. If you let him spend time with your kids, I'd highly suggest being there during those times and watching how he talks to them and what-not, not suspiciously, but just to come to grips with if his words match his actions. Again, praying for him and prayer for insight is super-helpful if you proceed along that road.

I'd like to pray for you now if you don't mind. If you're not comfortable with that you can stop reading, but I believe it will help:
Lord, I just ask you for mercy for L.. You see her heart; you've seen everything that's gone on in the back room, and you know her hurt. Nothing is a surprise to you. I ask for mercy, that you would forgive her sins and break in with peace for her. I pray that your peace would surround her and that she would have a determination to do her part in this whole situation. I pray that you would give her wisdom and insight and that you would reveal; please reveal You're heart to her - that she would be overwhelmed with you're goodness. You truly are a good God, and YOUR love for her is greater than any human love she has ever experienced on this planet. You died on the cross so that we can have full access to the One who loves us that much - thank you. And, in that, I thank you that you have felt everything that she's feeling because You experienced it too on this earth - rejection, pain, hurt, hopelessness. Thank you that you can identify with her in every way. Now, I pray that You, the "God of all comfort" would comfort her with your leadership that is good and trustworthy. We pray these things in Jesus name, Amen.

It never dawned on me that he was worth it. Because he wasn't. And neither was I. We were at a stalemate; neither of us could be in it or get out of it. It was the messiest situation I could ever have imagined. I was in complete despair. When you hit rock bottom, the only place to look is up. And so I did. What I found was what I didn't even know I was looking for...peace. The ability to stand still and breathe. I was still expected to do my part, certainly, but my part wasn't nearly as large as I thought. I took a step or two forward and found God backing me up. So I got ambitious and took another couple of steps forward. God told me to step aside. I was letting Him work on my heart; now it was time to get out of His way and let Him work on my husband's. I quit nagging and lowered my expectations to the ground. I accepted as much of my husband's load as I could while taking that and mine to Jesus. It was still a struggle, but at least I could breathe! And in His time (which I expected to be so much longer!), He changed both of us, healed our marriage, and pulled us up out of our financial pit and my emotional one. He set us up to live to the absolute fullest. And He did it in a couple of years! We'd been so thoroughly set up to fail; there's no earthly explanation for how that happened.

But, hey, if your hard-drive is fried, you take it to a computer specialist. If your son has an ear infection, you take him to the pediatrician. Our marriage was splintered beyond recognition. Beyond repair or healing. We needed a new one. Fortunately, my husband and I both know the Designer of marriage personally. ;) I hope you give Him the chance we did, L..

My very best to your family ~
R.

Wow L.!
I am so impressed that you owned your side of the conflict and problems!
I am a huge advocate for women to treat their men better (as a way of getting what they want and need instead of nagging for it). I also think marriages should be held together for the sake of the children and that most things can be solved of if you have picked wisely and treat them kindly.

That being said...it doesn't sound like you can do this...
this man (as you describe him) has despicable character and has made horrible choices! A real man does not sneak around on his family, deny his pregnant wife resources, flip flop between his emotions, and let's face it "stick it to" someone else! It sounds to me like the affair has gone sour (probably because she is pressuring him to now commit to her).

You have to have a reasonable man in order to work on something and he sounds totally unreasonable!

Please just focus on your kids for awhile...I know the temptation to date and try to make the family (with a father in the house) that you think they deserve but in truth 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate than first ones and your kids don't need another loss.

I know that stinks and that just because of choices that your ex made you now have to deny yourself personal happiness in order to focus every moment on your kids...

You sound like a strong woman! I commend you for not letting him sweet talk his way back into your life! If you do choose to let him back he should move next door (literally), be available and accountable for every moment of his time, contribute his resources to the family, spend every spare moment with the kids and prove he is not dating anyone. Do this for at least 2 years before you consider letting him back into your bed and heart! Then you will know if he really has the intention to become an honorable man.
Best of luck!

The ONLY way I was able to forgive my husband and move foward into the future married to him was through Christ. I know that might sound preachy, but it is the only reason we are still married and have a good relationship. It took two years of christian counseling for him before he broke down and really changed. In the mean time I went to counseling, and read lots of books on marriage. I did not want to forgive him, it hurt to much, one of the books I read reminded me when Christ died on the cross to forgive my sins it was painful. Forgiving my husband was painful. We have a good marriage now, still lots to work on, but we're committed. I hope this helps and if you want to talk let me know.
R.

Hello L.,

I can tell you that in my case I had a twelve year relationship with a man that was disfunctional to say the least. We did alot of breaking up and getting back together and the truth of it is we were toxic together. Love is not supposed to be that way. True love is a deeper commitment then we ever shared. After we broke up the final time I did alot of work on myself. I needed it. After years of his cheating and my obsession about it, my self esteem and confidence were shot. I felt rejected and betrayed. Part of me hated him and at the same time I missed him. Every time I saw him - or he would come to see the kids - mixed emotions like volcano kept building up inside and I didn't know what to do. I came to the decision that he would never be my partner, but he would always be their dad. Take your relationship out of the equation. You be you. Remember that your children are a gift which I think you are already feeling by the way you talk about your baby. He has a right to be part of their lives and them a part of his. Do some work on yourself and fix all those broken feelings that your relationship caused. Try to see it as your relationship - not him. And if you remove the relationship - which is the broken part - you can both recover. And your children will not have try to understand why mommy and daddy are so unhappy and whose fault it is. I hope this helps - I will pray for you.

Hi L.,
I went through kind of the same thing married got pregnant and my husband was living a double life. I was so stupid to think he would change. then he got her pregnant right after our baby was born. Im not sure if this is true but once a cheater always a cheater???? We are divorced now and Im remarried and have a 3 year old baby girl. Life is not easy with our 12 year old girl. My new husband does love her, she hates going to her dads house. My x now has 2 boys with the girl he was cheating on me with she had 2 boys from 2 differnt guys when he met her. Now they have broken up. I talk to my x every day in regards to our daughter and I still care about him and Love him. I guess what Im telling you some men are not good in a realationship. my x and i went to counceling and he begged me and promised me we would chang and he wanted us to be together all the while he was with her.
what a night mear I trusted him and wanted him so bad I beleaved his every word, what a night mear he lied to our courncler also. I feel bad for you, its not easy with a baby. I wanted us to be together so bad I over looked so much. looking back I should of left earlier but I was so sad.
You seem like a nice person like me. Its just not fare at all.
trust is a big issue I couldnt trust my x at all. he siad he would do anyhting to get us back together but he would fall short alot ( in sure fall back in bed with her ) best of luck I guess I wanted you to know your not the only person that this has happend to. You can make it out if you want. MY baby and left a nice life and home and moved into a one bed room apt. it wasnt easy but Im glad I stood up for myself nad my daughter.
take care, C.

Think about the kids first. Think about whether or not Mommy will wake up with a smile on her face to greet her babies each day, or if she will wake with regret and and dissatisfaction with her life. Will he be a good father, or do you foresee dissapointment. Trust your gut, your heart doesnt know whats good for you.
Good luck.

L.,

It sounds like you have already made your decision. Move on and keep working on yourself. Having a baby is a BIG deal and if he wasn't ready to be a father when you were pregnant and after you had the baby, then he will never be ready. You don't need to put yourself though all the hurt feelings and doubt again. If you have been making it without him, then GREAT! Keep up the good work and realize that you are not only doing it for yourself, but the kids don't need to see you go through it again either. Be strong, you are stronger than you think.

My only advice is to take your time. Your youngest is only seven months old! Before you start thinking too much about re-marrying or dating other people, give yourself some time to get centered. So you're in "limbo" right now. What's wrong with limbo? You have your whole life to find a man, but only a few short years with these precious little ones. And the decision you make will affect them for the rest of their lives. Take your time, consider things, observe things, and you might find that the decision makes itself.

And one possible idea...rather than committing to a fresh marriage with this guy, how about DATING him for a while? Start over from scratch and build new levels of trust together. And take it really, really slow. If he's truly committed to you, he'll be patient. If not, at least you'll have found out beforehand.

Hang in there!

Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and depend on??? That is the question you need to answer. Good luck!

When does it dawn on you that he is worth it?

When does it dawn on you that YOU are worth it???

Listen to your inner voice L.. It sounds like you already know what to do and you are much stronger than you believe you are. Find yourself first...it's HARD work, and be there for your children. One last thing....CHILD SUPPORT and if he is willing and mature enough, work out an amniable relationship together for the sake of your children's emotional well being.
Now how much do you love him? And how much do you love yourself and your children?

Much good energy to you

A.

First and foremost you have to think about what is best in the long term not short term. That means for you and your children. Honestly if you don't feel that you can trust him, there is not much to build on. I don't know the whole story nor do I need to but being pregnant myself I can tell you that is no reason for your husband to leave. I nagg and am more emotional and hormonal now than I have ever been. That doesnt mean that my husband is driven away. We talk ever night and he understands this is a difficult situation and it affects everyone differently. Bottom line, I would make arrangements for him to see the kids and help out but I would pull away emotionally and understand that one time is too many. Good luck and I know it's all easier said than done...