Ugly Duckling

I agree with most everyone else in that this is normal behavior for a 9 year old. Her hormones are getting ready to shift into overdrive too (if they haven't already).

A couple things came to mind, just like with the others too:
* Your husband gets two nights off a week. One of those should be "family night" and one night out of the month should be "hers and daddy's night".

* You should schedule a night with her every week or every other week that is totally dedicated to you two having fun and doing (within reason) whatever she wants to do. Including: Spa nights (manicures, pedicures, makeovers, whatever), window shopping (or actually shopping), going to play putt-putt, going bowling, just time for you two to get together to have fun. That way you aren't always the disciplinarian.

* Since your husband is out so often, have him leave her notes in the morning before she gets up (or before he goes to bed) just telling her how much he loves her and if there was something that happened that made him think of her, whatever.

* Be sure to praise her often for things she does right. It takes 7 attaboy's to outdue just 1 criticisim, and at that age, it might even need more attaboy's.

* Ask her leading questions: why does she feel ugly? Who is she comparing herself to? Models only look that great because of computer technology!! Let her know you think her pictures are great! She's obviously being a bit hard on herself. If you have any awkward stories that you can share with her, do it. Let her know everybody goes through things they don't like or wishes were different. Hind sight is 20/20. Maybe even get her the book "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff!"

Just a few thoughts....good luck!

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Hi, S.!

That "stage" that everyone is talking about is called the "Nine Year Change" and it happens to all children (and it does not require counseling). And I disagree with doing anything that puts too much focus on her physical being (like makeovers). Do you really want her to think that THAT is what is important?

Rudolf Steiner, the founder of the Waldorf School, stated, "In the ninth year, the child really experiences a complete transformation of its being, which indicates an important transformation of its soul-life and its bodily-physical experiences."

There is a wonderful article about this change, written by Rahima Baldwin Dancy, and I recommend that you google it, by plugging in "nine year change waldorf" in the search. It will greatly help you - and her - if you understand what it is she is going through, and why it's happening.

But, please, know that your daughter will be fine, (and so will you!) she just needs your patience and understanding through this.

If my daughter talks about how pretty another girl is, I always say thoughtfully, "Hmm. Yes she does look pretty. I wonder if she is pretty on the inside...." Just my way of reminding her that what is inside of people is more important than how they look. Remember Forrest Gump! Pretty is as pretty does! :)

Your daughter is now old enough to take some responsibility for her schedule. Discuss it with her, and come up with a written plan for getting homework done and still being able to do the fun things. At this age, our children no longer believe we know everything. Let her know that you don't - tell her you need her help in figuring out a plan that will satisfy both of you, and still allow enough time to get done what needs to be accomplished. Let her know you value her input. (You may very well already do these things, but since I don't know you, I'm throwing them out there!)

Don't be afraid to compliment her whenever you can - just make sure they are sincere, and not all focused on physical appearance. "I like the way you took your time doing _____. That shows great ______." (diligence/patience/maturity/attention to detail - whatever you want to use to fill in the blank) Or "I'm so proud of the way you did what needed to be done without anyone asking you to. That shows great initiative! That's a wonderful quality!" Or "That was so kind of you to help that little girl with that. You are such a caring person. I love how you are!"

What I do with my children is tell them what their "gifts" are. They love hearing it, and take it to heart, thereby embracing that gift and making it truly a part of them (self-fulfilling prophecy). For instance my daughter is very dramatic, and when something doesn't go her way, it's like the world is ending. But it only lasts a couple minutes, and then she says, "Well, it's okay, Mom. Because ______" So I tell her how special is that gift of always finding the bright side of things - not many people can do that. She also has the gift of being able to make people laugh. I'm sure your daughter would love to know what special gifts she has. (A very nice book, by the way, is The Twelve Gifts of Birth.) And she may argue with you, and deny that she has any gifts, and you can just smile gently and say (almost like you're only half aware she is listening), "Ahh, (name), you have no idea, yet, how special you are." And then go on to something else. By not stressing anything more than that, it makes it kind of mysterious and thought provoking, and that will get her to wonder about it much more than if you just kept talking about it.

Last thing - I remember reading Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm when I was her age. I don't remember much about the book, other than the part where Rebecca noticed that though her teacher's face wasn't pretty, she seemed very pretty because she had such a neat appearance - clean and neat, hair brushed, etc. That's the one part that has always stayed with me. Maybe it would make an impression on her, as well.

Sorry for the long response. I hope some of it helps, and you take the time to google that article I mentioned. And above everything else, remember, this, too, shall pass!

Blessings to you and your daughter.
J.

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I won't tell you NOT to take her to counseling, but it sounds to me like pretty normal 9-year-old behavior. I think your should talk to your husband about having a special father/daughter time on your husband's day off. Make a big deal out of it, dress up nice, go to a restaurant that she likes. It would mean a lot to her for him to tell her what a beautiful young lady she is becoming. If she is hearing this from her dad who she admires, it will do her a world of good.

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Hi S.
your daughter is at the odd stage. She is just starting to "blossom". Is she going through puberty? Extra hair on her legs and arms (and other places) might make her feel very uncomfortable. When I "blossomed" I thought my chest was the ugliest thing God every invented. You might want to try talking more with her about what is going with her day to day. She MAY have someone at school that is telling her she is ugly. (if you hear that word enough, you start to belive it) When I was in middle school, they called me Chunk because I was heavy (4'5 and weighed like 150lb). I hated myself back then and stopped talking. (not all the time, but I got really quiet). My parents sent me to a child school psychiatrist when I was in 6th grade (I forget how old I was). That somehow worked WONDERS for me because by the time I graduated highschool, I was down to 100lbs and was a full out chatterbox.
The fact that your daughter states "I wish I were dead" would worry me into thinking she needs more than you to talk to. Have you thought about therapy?? maybe a mother/daughter one??
I would act on it...dont let her self esteem slip away. That will bleed into her life for a LONG time (if not her life time). She needs to build her self esteem....but I think something happend to her in the last year or two to make her think so poorly of herself

and the way she treats you...that is misplaced anger

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In addition to letting her know that you love, support her, and find her to a be a beatiful growing girl, how about making a point to improve your relationship NOW before she hits full blown puberty.
Ideas:
Once a week, have a 'girls night out' where you give her a few options of what you can do, and go out spending time together. Favorite restaurant (or fast food place if you're on a budget)? The Mall? Get haircuts? Movie (dollar theatre)?
It doesn't have to be expensive, but PLAN that time and dont' miss it for the world. When she knows that you love her so much and want to spend time with her, it'll help improve her self-esteem.
- dig out old pics of yourself at that age and show her what you looked like. We all look 'weird' at that age, let her know it's normal and that it does improve.

But I urge you, get close to her, or you'll both be in so much pain here in a few years, and it'll be too late!

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Two things:

1. Schedule spa days for the two of you or shopping or something where the two of you can feel pampered and special. When choosing clothing, make SURE they are things that are flattering. TELL HER how things brings out her..... That color really looks good on her, etc. If she has a great smile, tell her and tell her often. FIND SOMETHING that is unique to her and remind her of those.

2. REMIND HER THAT LOOKS ARE NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. I have to tell Abbie that all the time. She asks me if she looks cute in something and she always does because she IS cute. HOWEVER, she needs to be reminded constantly that it's what's on the inside that is the most important of all. You can be cute on the outside but if the inside is a train wreck or "full of worms", looks don't matter at ALL!!!

There are LOTS of actors, singers, etc who aren't the best looking but they have developed the gifts and talents that God has given them. FOCUS ON THOSE or finding those!! BUILD HER CONFIDENCE and acknowledge her efforts, even if she chooses not to pursue this or that. At least she tried.

Have a few girls over or maybe even a few other moms and daughters and invite someone who does Arbonne or Mary Kay or something of that nature, to do a spa day for all of you. Invite a massage therapist too, and you should be able to get massages or at least chair massages.

Maybe a new haircut for your daughter? Something she picks out & you approve of, of course. Maybe it'll help her self esteem. I also recommend martial arts to help build confidence. It's also exercise so if she does have a little pudge, it'll help knock that out but while having fun. Good luck S.! :)

if she says she wishes she were dead, I would take that seriously and get her into counselling. This may also improve your relationship with her. Also, Dove soap has a self esteem program you might want to look into for her. Have you spent some one on one time with her? Good luck with everything.

I would get your daughter into counceling she obviously has a problem with who she is. Your ugly duckling will turn into a beautiful swan in time.
She needs to be reminded that beauty is only skin deep but what is inside is far more important.
I would also try to get her father to spend more time with her.
Good Luck

Love her, love her, love her--unconditionally! Even if you think she's a daddy's girl, don't let that effect how you love her. Take up something together that she loves and start building a strong relationship with her. You both will need it through the teen years. Try scrapbooking, shopping, beauty salons, etc. that you both (especially she) can enjoy together. Couple this with good image building through some sort of exercise (class, dance, jogging). Make shopping a time to really compliment her and find her something that looks really good on her. A trip together to the beauty salon can help her feel good about her image, too. And make sure to point out that all different ways of looking are good. Scrapbooking is also a good way for her to feel valued because she's validating her life, herself, family relationships, etc. through this.

And tell her that her freckles are kisses from the sun. My daughter has tons of them, is the same age, and loves them b/c we've always pointed out how pretty they are and how many kisses she's gotten!

S.,

My daughter is almost 5 and I've got to tell you, I dread knowing that she's going to have to go through this stage. All of us have felt awkward and out of place and that might be something you can relate to her. And your husband, too. It sounds like he can have a lasting impression about this situation.

All you both can do is love her and support her and remind her that even though YOU think she is beautiful, you're more proud of her beautiful heart. Kindness, honesty and intelligence are traits to really be proud of.

Good luck to you and your whole family,
J.

Make sure that when dad is around that dad is able to tell her how much he loves her and thinks she is beautiful and a one of a kind! Girls need their fathers quite a bit at that stage. I feel like I did not get enough from my father but things have changed a whole lot since that age. Give your self a break from your daughter. You need some me time to be able to build her up and not always be disciplining! I am just as stubborn as my mother but I have decided that some one has to back off and so my mother and I did not talk for many years. Don't push too hard so that does not happen to you!

Instead of jumping straight to a therapist and couseling, I'd ask your pediatrician first what they think about it. You're pediatrician should be able to tell you what to do next.

Of course, I agree with the advice to love her, but I'm sure you already do otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question here. You obviously are a loving caring mom!

I realize she is a little young, but maybe you could take her out for a make over. Get her hair done up fancy, maybe a new outfit or lip gloss if you don't want to do makeup. Take her someplace special. See if there is a Sunday show you could all go to dressed up. Good luck.

This is so sad when a 9 year old makes the statement she wished she were dead. You are the mother and it is up to you to make her feel good about herself. Please tell her what my 6 year old granddaughter told me about freckles. I remarked that she has freckles and she replied NO mamaw they are beauty marks. :-) So tell her she is beautiful and show her as much positive attention as you can. I am a grandmother and I wish there would have been information in raising my kids that there is today. Good Luck

I have a nine year old girl also. I hear all of that also. So do her friend's moms, I've asked them. They are starting into puberty at this age, and the hell that is adolescence is begining. They are full of drama and anger at this age. Sometimes I feel like I need an exorcist. Be firm and set boundaries. Tell her that she may not speak to you like that and when she does send her to her room. When she's ready to behave she can come back. It sounds like she is being picked on at school. My daughter and I talk about the differnce between good friends and just friends. Good friends stand up for you. She needs some of them. It sounds like your daughter and mine are shaped about the same. She's been telling me she's fat all summer. I took her to the doctor for her check up and flat out asked in front of her if her weight was a problem. They told us that for her size her weight was fine; she was proportionally correct. She weighs 88 lbs and is 56in. tall. In the next couple of years she'll slim down as the "baby fat" around her belly falls off and she gets curvier. I just try to make sure that she eats healthy and gets plenty of exercise. My daughter plays soccer and swims on a team. She also dances. I like for her to be involved in activities because she has a sense of belonging with the team. It boosts her self esteem when the team wins even if she didn't score the goals. I read a book called "Queen Bees and Wannabees," it was excellent and I highly recommend it. There are several books listed in the back for further reading. I also have one called "Brave New Girls, Creative Ideas to Help Girls Be Confident, Healthy, & Happy, 2nd Edition" It is really good in that its almost like a workbook for the girls to help them figure out who they are and what is great about them. Not every girl is going to be the queen bee. The rest of them do need to fit in someplace and this book will help them find where. I remember very well how horrible middle school was. I'm hoping to arm my daughter and myself with enough information that we can make it through and still be speaking! Good luck to you.

I know she young, but maybe you could let her wear some eye makeup. My mom let me wear only foundation when i was in junior high because I felt not so pretty sometimes. There's all kind of fun ways to do eye makeup that can make a big difference. Also my hair was kind of crazy and as i got older I found that moose help to tame it and made me feel better. Or maybe a stylish cute hair cut could help. Maybe if you could show some picutres of yourself that isn't so great, it could let her know its normal and maybe bring you closer together.

I am going to suggest that you work on your relationship with your daughter. She may have a strong relationship with her Daddy and that should be no problem. However, you are the only one who can help her learn how to become a young woman.Talk with your daughter about what you can do to help her feel better about herself. Many of us go through the ugly duckling stage and it is very difficult and hurtful.I would also having a regular routine for afterschool and work with her to develop the routine for snack, homework etc. There may be a compromise that would work for both of you. If she knows that there is a set time for homework then there may be fewer problems.Ask her what you can do to help her feel better about how she looks. Would choosing a new hairstyle help her feel better? My daughter loves doing her nails together including toes. She even likes doing mine. It is a difficult age for girls and growing into their body can be hard. Work together to come up with a plan.

Just flipped through the responses REALLY quick, so I might say the same thing. But quick & simple suggestions, because I also had a low self-esteem when I was younger. Freckles are "angel kisses" - I had LOTS! My older sister told me to look in the mirror and tell myself I WAS pretty. And give LOTS of hugs and encouraging words. Try not to butt heads, but make suggestions instead of "telling" her what to do. Let her decided: "What do YOU really think you should do, your homework - or play with your friends? - I would like to suggest that you spend a few minutes NOW studying your spelling words, and then I would let you go play with your friends." That way you are suggesting, instead of telling.

Good luck & best wishes.