Type of Punishment for 13 Year Old

I agree...please don't take his guitar away! Kids need music and really, playing an instrument is educational.

This is a very touchy aga. They feel the need to "fit in" with everyone. I was leary of myspace also but I made it clear to her that she had to show me ( I also knew her password to it and would obsess about looking at it) She was very resposable with it and would only accept friends from school or people we knew. She was around that age also and she is now 18! I still look! haha She also made one up for me and I have a blast on it! (thought it was only for kids!) BUT!!! I have reconnected with old classmates and friends that lost touch! I am very carefull also! So it really isn`t as bad as it seems IF you watch close and be carefull!
Good luck to you! I feel for you "entering tthe AGE!" hahaha(Ive got a 5 yr old and 8 yr old boys coming there soon!) WHEW!
K.

My children are still small (4.5 and 1), but I tend to believe the punishment should "fit the crime". My guess is you are more upset that he broke the rules than the actual my space page. I would make him delete the page and restrict access to the computer unless he is monitored. If the computer in a common area? If so, I would consider locking the room when you are not home.

Good luck!

Maybe since he was begging for myspace you should have sat and talked to him and found out why he felt it was so important. My Daughter is 14 and she has a myspace. It's what the kids do. I have her password and I can and do monitor what she is putting out there. I know you said that girls are posting sexy photos of them self. Which I do not think is appropriate. But lets not pretend he's not a young man and he is around the cute young girls everyday. You need to allow him space to grow up. Yes he broke the rules so yes he needs to be punished, but next time maybe you need to communicate with him and let him try to be responsible and give him a chance to prove he's is a responsible young man. Let's not just shelter our kids from life, and then throw them out there at 18 sheltered and naive.

Just hopped on here before I run out for the day and I had to respond. My son is almost 18...the internet has been a constant evil in our house. What we have come to accept; this is today's world...this is how kids communicate. I have learned more about my son through myspace, facebook and text messages (to me) than I EVER would have gotten from his mouth. For us, we decided that we could embrace it or ignore it...but ignoring it only meant that it would be done anyway and we would have no say. I hate to tell you but there will always be a way to logon to the internet.

My son does not have a computer in his room, we have a password on ours and we frequently check recent downloads and page history. We also have the passwords and usernames of the sites he uses...and we do check them. I find that I don't need to check often, but just knowing that I CAN check them has helped my son keep a 'balance' on the content....so we can meet in the middle, so to speak. Of course, if I see a site visited that I don't have the password to, the threat is real that I will delete other accounts...and I have done it!!! Until he is 18, I make the rules! Now, I have to say that some of the things on my sons site are things I didn't *really* need to see, but it's not that bad...maybe some crude comments to and from friends, and some swearing here and there...but I can look past that and know that he's not involved in the BIG no-no's...and that is a HUGE relief to me. I have decided to use it to my favor and it has actually helped me know things I know I wouldn't otherwise know. My parents didn't have this tool and never knew what I was thinking! Do I know EVERYTHING about my child...absolutely not...but I do feel that this has been a very useful tool!

Now am I saying to ignore it and let him have his way? Of course not, he disobeyed you...period...and that can't be ignored. However, nobody can say what the punishment should be but you. I do recommend prayer...you can't do all this alone!! ;)

It's tough with teenagers...we have had (several times) to go back and rethink things that we thought we had figured out just to keep up with our teen and the youth world today. It's much different!

Good luck and prayers to you! It will get worse before it gets better...voice of experience here...but it WILL get better! Stay united with your husband...when this is over, your teen will move on and will act by your example...and you will be left to clean up a mess of a marriage that may be destroyed if you let it come between you.

~L.

My son started his page around this age as well. I wasn't all that comfortable with it but we had ground rules. I respected his privacy and would never go through his things, cyber or otherwise, unless I had REAL concerns. With that in mind, I was to have all user names and passwords to his various accounts/sites. If he denied me access, I denied him access to the computer. It worked out well. I never did have a need to look any further than what he would share with me himself (yes I did test the access to be sure). We also had "rules" for what could be posted/stated to protect his privacy and location.

However, your son did deliberately go against the rules. Loss of some privledges would be a good place to start; maybe even shutting down the page for 6 months would be good too. Kids need to know where the line is and what happens when they cross it.

Ouch! I say, pick your battles. It is going to get more challenging. How about he keeps the site, but gives you access to it? That way you can monitor what he does. By taking it away completely, you could be creating a monster. He'd want it more than anything...and would get it.

Good luck!

S.

I agree with some of the other posters, def. delete the account, no computer unless school related, I wouldn't take guitar away though. as a musician myself, if someone told me I couldn't sing until January 1, i would be crushed and i think you'd have more problems to deal with :)

Good luck, you're doing a great job!!

Taking away his guitar seems particularly harsh - my 14-year-old loves playing too and losing it for more than a month seems too long. I'd take computer priveleges away for two weeks - only let him use it for school work. Then again I'm not as strict as some parents! At least there wasn't anything horrible on his My Space - good luck - ALison

D. this is what I did with my daughter and her myspace

We allowed it and told her that we will be checking it sparatically without her knowledge and will be checking who she talks with and if we feel uncomfortable with the content she will have to take that person off her group. My husband and I have checked it quite often and she has been very careful about who she talks too. There has been one person who I felt their pict was inappropriate and made her delete her while I was there. So allow it but with boundaries and if they cross him then make the decision to cancel the account. Just see if that works. Good Luck

Hi Debbers. You can't totally delete a myspace account. My son has tried. Did you applaude how he set it up, to him? He (and you) can't help how other people choose to represent themselves. Let him know that the punishment isn't because of the page, but the fact that he went behind your back and defied you. Have you checked out facebook? My whole family is on it and a lot of the members of our church. There doesn't seem to be that kind of stuff put out there. It's still a place where he can chat with friends, but does not have the same atmosphere. Hope this helps, L. S.

I agree he should not be on that site at such a young age. My son wanted one and I NEVER let him. He had created one and I made him get rid of it. He got over it and doesn't even care now. It is not a good site and just because your son's page is nice doesn't mean other peoples are and most aren't. I personally would ground him from the computer (had to do that many times with my son because of "other" sites and eventually it worked). The computer is not a toy and he did go behind your back and disobey you. As far as the guitar I have another opinion but that's because my son is into music bigtime. I never took his guitar away from him because it was good for him. He has a talent for it. I don't know about your son though...it may be a good punishment for him...but again, I don't know. NO MYSPACE........ Good luck!!!!

I have a 12 and 14 year old and know exactly where you are. First I would require that you are added to the "friends" list and check in weekly. Also let your sons friends know that you are checking it and that eliminates messages in poor taste. I keep checking mainly to make sure they know who they are talking to. I keep an "address" book and if one shows up that I'm not familiar with, I ask who they are. I do not read their messages. Their friends know I check my kids cell phones to see who they are calling and texting for their own protections and I also check their web sites.

As for punishment, I would not delete the web page and here's why. He'll just recreate one and since you work full time, he will be able to. Also, you need to help him manage this technology and respect it as well. Let him know that anything posted can be pulled by a propsective employer in the future and our company has not hired well qualified people because their character (from college photos) was in questions. Use this as a teaching tool.

For disrespecting your wishes, I would add work around the house or restrict computer time or take it away completely for a time. But realize that these techno savy kids will find a way to keep their web site going. Aren't teenagers fun! Make the questions about naps look silly doesn't it.

I can't believe I am advocating for no punishment but I am. Don't hurl rocks ladies, please! Think about creating your own myspace and be his friend on it. Crazy as it sounds, you won't be able to stop him from having one (we tried and failed). There are too many "cool parents" in the world. We were not cool and I didn't care. The one thing we told our boys was that we wouldn't say anything to other parents unless we felt that their safety was in jeopardy. My boys are grown and gone now, they are still my friends on myspace and some of my girlfriends young teens are now my friends. Again, we let it be known that we would not say anything unless safety was an issue. Plus, I've had fun finding old friends from back in the day and keeping up with my friends now. Make sure your account is private and remind him to never make friends with someone he does not know.

If you end up doing this, you will be able to see who he is friends with as well. It's a lot safer to do this than for him to hide from you. Good luck!

P.S. Before the rocks start coming my way - as I said, we were not the cool parents. We were the solid parents. Our boys weren't perfect, nor were we. We had a lot of issues and we made a lot of mistakes. But we learned from our mistakes and were willing to admit when we screwed up. It wasn't until our boys were grown and serving our country that we learned we did a pretty good job with them. They actually thanked us for the rules we had. Our middle son wrote to us from his basic training that he was the only one that knew how to make a bed correctly. Our youngest, apologized and thanked us for being tough on them as kids.

I guess what I am saying is, be tough but be reasonable too. Enjoy the time you have with them now. It's not fun when they leave (contrary to popular belief).

I know exactly what my parents would have done in an instance like that. Fortuanetly for my sake, I was too chicken to break the rules ... ever. I think the two of you should compromise. I realize your son is 13 and he is trying to be an independent person, but he knew you both did not want him to have a myspace page and he went behind your back and created one anyway, and that was wrong and disrespectful on his part. I agree that he should be made to delete the page, but I agree that for a probationary period, say, maybe a month, he should not be allowed to use the computer except for school work. Also, if the computer is in his room, part of his punishment for going behind your back is that the computer remains in a public location until he turns 18. Also, if his favorite possession is his guitar, that should be taken away for maybe two to three weeks. He can be independent without disrespecting your rules. Good luck!

I agree with both of you actually. The whole idea was that he shouldn't have a myspace account in the first place. So that should be deleted. And since he showed that he cannot be totally trusted, then his computer privileges should be taken away for some period of time until he shows that he can be trustworthy and respect what you have told him. For a child that age, I feel that the computer should be in a public place...maybe it is??! Good luck...you're doing a good job!

I do not have a my space account so I don't know how different it is but I have a face book account and from what I know they are very similar. Obviously I am not a 13 year old kid but I see no problem with him having one with restrictions.

If you let him create it and know his pass word for both email and my space and you check it every couple of days I don't see a problem with it.

Just from experience with my parents who were very restrictive and didn't let us do many of the regular things most kids did, my 5 brothers and I all had rebellion issues mostly because we couldn't do anything "fun". Now if my parents just let us do some of those things but with their supervision we would not have had so many issues.

So in my opinion... if you restrict him too much he will rebel like he did. If you teach him the proper way to do things and to be honest with the information on his page I really think it will go over much better than not letting him do a lot of the things that his friends get to do.

I am not judging your parenting or anything like that, I just have learned a little from my own experience as a teenager, which wasn't that long ago, I am 23 so it's not that far from my memory and my brothers are dealing with all that stuff right now since they still live at home. They just do stuff behind their back since they are not given permission to do them. (things like playing poker, not crazy parties and drugs)

anyway, hope that helps

our 15 yr old daughter did the same thing,and when she was caught she didnt offer it believe me.we took all computer rights away.we didnt even allow school work,we told her that the teachers could not require her to go to someone elses house to use one she could use the filtered one at school or her grades would suffer and she didnt want that to happen.she was off 6 months.before she could get it back she says a friend included her in to her web site and she could do nothing about it.we explained to her she had 24 hrs to get it off and to tell the friend i didnt appreciate it,or i would go to the school and tell her my self.sshe now,lost more computer time and has to stay away from the friend until Christmas.she may not have done it but by allowing it she ok'd it.guilty far as i am concerned.if there is a next time i am not gonna be nice to her or her friends and she knows it.these kids dont understand how dangerous it is to do these things.at this age when they do what they want instead of what you want somebody needs to get ugly.i was nicer the first time,i am not now,they are hard headed and know everything.let them know it on thier own time.

I understand that you are for rules. But I also understand this is the 'technical age' and your son is behaving like all other boys (and girls!) his age, including the language.

I also have a myspace page. I have it public, but the pictures I had with my son were private. I did just recently take my son's photos off (as I am not one to really post his pictures for the world to see~ too many nut jobs out there especially if you are familiar with 'watch dog'. However, I use myspace mainly to reconnect with my friends not close to home, network and for my business.

Teens love myspace just as they love texting and the phone. The trick would be to set it up yourself: You create the email and set the settings. Check the settings to see if they have been tampered with.

As he did this behind your back, it is rebellion, but I rebelled with my mother as she set rules on me left and right. Not just with me, but even my younger brothers. One turned out fine, but he is very quiet. The other, well... got in with the wrong crowd and is still paying the price for his decisions daily!

Rules are good, but in moderation and reason. Is there a reason for not having the account? It sounds as if he knows the computer quite well, so if you keep it from him, he will find a way (either at a friend's house or he will figure out how to delete the specific history pertaining to him.).

I cannot recommend a decent punishment on this, other than to suggest talking to him, making sure he understands your reasons for not wanting him to have this page that he so desires, and that you are open to hearing him. Myspace is safe, and if his page is private there should not be too much of a concern, especially if he uses an avatar photo instead of his own. He was smart enough to change his location information and not many do this! :)

Also, I feel that you should let him keep it. Perhaps if you show you are open and lenient on this 'mistake' he will come to you on the next one or at least be more open to both of you when he does need help.

Good Luck~

Stand your ground. Cyberspace is a dangerous place for teens. If he won't follow the rules, only allow him to be on the internet in your presence and for school work only. The fact he lied about his age, to me, means he would be looking for 18 year old "stuff". I don't think it's as innocent as it may sound because of that fact. If he were using it for sharing with people his age with similar interests, he wouldn't have lied about his age. Now is NOT the time to give in. Going into his teen years he needs to know what the boundaries are. If you don't sit on him now and stick to your guns about the rules he will be walking all over you in no time.
It's also the principle of the thing...you made a rule and he broke it. That could turn into any number of other issues with teens and rules...give and inch and they take miles and miles. Fair but firm works well. As the mother of 3 now grown children...I feel like a survivor of the teen years. They were close in age so I had all 3 going at one time...whew, we made it. I wish I knew then what I know now. There are alot of good ideas on some of the other comments. Good Luck!!

Well some of it is typical for his age. That is not surprising. He's coming into his teen years. Full of discovery.

You could always set up a my space account yourself just to monitor him. If he doesn't alter the 18 years old thing and tone down the language, he will lose privileges. Take that computer off internet and avail it for school use only.

And then I think he needs to be given a serious talk about this 'sexy' talk and lying does not bode well for future ways of maturely handling a relationship.

Let him know you're really disappointed that he lied. Doing a web page tastefully can be handled in that you see his artistic talent, but it doesn't detract from the fact that he was deceptive to do all this and fudges his age. Explain consequences.

Well, I can sympathize with you I have two boys around the same age. We recently caught our older son surfing You Tube. The problem with these sites is not what your son is looking at but what he has access to while he is looking at what he wants to see. I have recently discovered through a friend of my husband a site that was put together with You-Tube,My Space and Facebook in mind. He combined all 3 of these sites to make waytofame.com. This site is a family oriented regulated site that has all the features of the other sites but without the smut. The ads are even regulated. Now, granted the site is just getting off the ground but once the word is out we hope that it will reach many people and help clean up the more popular ways to socialize and post videos etc... on the internet. As far as the punishment is concerned all parents have those ways of getting to their kids. As far as me and my husband, we grounded him from games and PC and he wrote some sentences and now since the site is up and running that's all they want to do is get on and check their friends' list, post videos, and get involved with the polls and contests they have.
If you are interested in the site let me know, or check it out yourself. Go on the site make a profile and have fun. If you like it we would appreciate your feedback and to spread the word.
Thank you and Good Luck!
~A.

I have a 12 year old daughter and the punishment that tends to work best for her is to take her cell phone away. She has also asked for a myspace account as all of her friends have one. I did not like the idea at all!~! So....instead, she took a pic of one of her teddy bears and made a myspace account for him. lol

I was not happy about it but I was at least glad that she did not post any pics or info about herself and she did show it to me. Her and a friend actually did it as a joke.

The best punishment for any teenager is to take away what is dear to them. Her phone is her prized posession. If his computer is important to him then by all means take that away. Maybe take away a special outing, etc. Good luck. Being a parent to teenagers is almost as hard as being a parent to a preschooler. And........I have both!!! God help me! :)

So many young people use my space to promote negativity, have you thought about allowing him to use it in a positive way, maybe to promote good grades, skills, talents, or maybe even a business? How good is he with the guitar? Has he performed in any shows? Is he willing to? What are his strengths? Sometimes we just have to guide our children in a different direction but still allow them to express themselves. Advertisement is crucial to entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurs should be positive leaders who provide a product or service to the public.

I personally love myspace and I am 33 yrs old, its a place to catch up and find old friend, but I understand about your 13 yr old having one, I have seen some stuff on there that I do not approve of at all but I have a friend who's 12 yr old daughter has one and her mother controlls it completely, she has the password/login and emails are sent to her yahoo account when her daughter gets a message or comment so she can regulate what her daughter see's and doesn't see. My friend also has a myspace and is friends with all her daughters friends so she can keep an eye on them too, and she asked me and all our other friends who knows her daughter to add her so we can also keep an eye on her just in case she misses anything. Just make it so ALL comments & tagged pictures have to be ok'd before they are put on his space. All though I recomend having the age put to the truth (13) bcuz there are certain settings that are not an option under I think 18yrs (like no one can veiw his profile unless they are a friend) I don't see why as long as you had access to it at all times he shouldn't be able to keep in touch with friends, its also a great punishment if they do something wrong, I as an adult love my myspace and would hate for it to be taken away from me. I know you don't approve of it but honestly kids do what they want when your not around so why not regulate it and have controll of it instead of having him go behind your back to do it? If he is anything like kids I know he will be doing it anyway.

I have a 15 year old boy and we went through the same thing. here is what I did.

Made him delete and took away computer. In our case I didnt care if he deleted but Dad wanted it gone. My problem was he had been to questionable web sites (well bad ones actually) so we both agreed to limit computer time for school work and only when we were home. We put a password so we had to log him on :)

I put a keystroke logger on as well. Its free online to download and no one knows its there. I noticed he had a different myspace after his dad told him to delete his. I looked and had his password and it was innocent so I never have said anything to his dad. Its been months since i have checked to see if its even still used - perhaps I will sneak on tonight and look :)

Obviously you have your own choices to make but know that your home isnt the only place for him to access a computer - they have school and library and friends houses. IF he wants a myspace he will find a way - I would rather monitor it than have it hidden but thats my own personal philosophy.

I agree that a punishment is in order because he went against your wishes. But, I think he should be able to keep his myspace account because everyone has one and you can set it to private where noone can view it. You and your son could also have some bonding moments by keeping track of the myspace account together. You could view the situation as getting to know your son and his friends even better while still being in control of the situation by monitoring it. My husband and I (both professionals) each have one and it's a great way to get reconnected to old friends etc. Also, noone can view them either.

Take away the myspace for a month and then reset the account together. Please don't make him take it away completely, it will create tension and he will do it behind your back again. We have all been teenagers in our lives and trying to take something that everyone has including young and old is bad. Monitor it, and make one for yourself, you might be surprised and enjoy it. Remember, you can monitor his page. What I have learned being a child psch, is when you take it away completely, instead of trusting and monitoring, they will go and do it, so take the time and do it together. Sorry if I have stepped on toes.

Hello D., I believe that you are both right. He set up the page against your wishes, so if he is allowed to keep it what has he learned? That he can get away with it! That is not part of the punishment, it is what it should have been in the first place. The punishment is what your hubby wants him to face for his defience. So both of you are correct! A united front! All of his computor time should be monitored by an adult. Good luck.

We've always believed in stiff (but non-violent) punishments for our children, although will tailor them based on what was done wrong. Our oldest lost trick or treating last year because she ran through a parking lot full of buses without holding a hand(at 4). If this were my child, I would make him delete the my space account and take away the computer privileges until the first of the year. If you have any problems during or after the punishment time you can add the guitar to it. Any school work needs to be supervised by a parent - meaning someone needs to sit in the computer room with him. Our daughters school sent something home with her last Friday about a program to protect the safety of our children it included keeping the computer in a place that was easily viewable, such as a living room or den so that parents could keep an eye on what sites their child was visiting without looking over their shoulder. You may want to consider that as well. I would also be concerned about the fact that he said he was 18, lived in another state - in an essence one MAJOR lie, not just that he created the account even though he knew you didn't want him to.

Please don't take his guitar away. It is a creative outlet for teen stress that is wholesome and rewarding...unlike other ways available to teens.

Good luck- I hope you ans your husband can find common ground on this!

WOW! I went through the same experience a few years ago. My husband and I were against it. He did it anyway. He got caught. Our punishment was grounding him from the computer for a month (it was sumer time), and my husband (who was very strict) made him write 3 reports on communication. We educated ourselves on the site, and allowed him to continue with some guidelines of course. We have the passwords, we have the option to read everything. He is 16 now, and I understand that the kids swear sometimes (although I don't approve/condone), and I know they talk about boyfriends/girlfriends, but we stand strong on the 3 simple no no's that I will tell his friends parents about: Drinking, Drugs, & Sex. So he has warned his friends. It is a common place for kids to communicate. Remind him to try to be true to himself - don't do or be something someone else wants. Keep the lines of communication open.
Good Luck!

I think your DH punishment is really really harsh. If you overreact to this situation by that huge amount I think his response is going to be more secretive and hide more things from you....maybe bigger and worse things later on.
i think your punishment of removing the page is reasonable. Also just letting hm know that he did do a nice job setting up the page and that is not the issue.
You value his ability to set up such a nice page but he was decietful about it. That keeps the door open for later question and communication.
He sounds like a nice boy that will probably do a lot of beating up on himself for disappointing you No need to beat him up more.

If you make him delete that account he may just set it up again and find other ways to use his account. My son did the same thing but as dad know a lot about computers he could not hide it at all. We took away his computer for a time but then what I did is go an account made him help me do some things on it and I also let all of his friends on my space know that I would be looking at everything from time to time. He dose have to log on and let me in so Dad or I can see everything he has been doing on the site. I also know when he has gone to an area he is not aloud to as we have net nanny on the computer he is aloud to us. some days I have about 20 or more emails from net nanny about the sites he has visited or tried to any how. It is h*** o* kids when all your friends have an account and you don't.

The punishment needs to fit the crime. He lied to you and went behind your back to set up this account. I agree with your husband he needs to loose computer time (move the computer out of his room) delete the page and take away his guitar till the first of the year. I know this sounds harsh to do all three but you need to look at the motive of his heart. He obviously thought that he would not get caught and he was deceitful to you. Both the computer and guitar are two things he seems to enjoy so those are two appropriate consequences. If the punishment is not harsh enough (causes some sort of discomfort) what is going to stop him from doing it again or doing something worse. J.

I don't have answers for you but encouragement. I have three boys and my 14 year old has started asking about having a my space. I have one myself. I have told him no, he is not responibile enough to update it and keep things current, but every child is different when it comes to maturity. So far he hasn't pushed it further but I don't trust the internet with kids so I won't be changing my mind, too many preators and bad things that can happen. He does have his own email but I regulate that everyday within my own live account. I believe in making punishments fit the crime, and you and your husband must agree on what that is and stay strong no matter what the decision you make together, otherwise your son will know the buttons to push with each of you seperatly, taking advantage in the future whenever he can. My suggestion is because I work with computer security if you should decide to keep up his my space page is to regulate his account, know his password and check it on a regular basis. It's not just him having his account though, he can visit any account that is not regulated by you. Innappripriate information can be found anywhere on the internet not just my space. a happy medium is facebook, is tends to be a little cleaner. He can still post pictures and stuff though, not so much decorating though. Maybe sit down with him and discuss internet safety with him, there are rules for children to follow that are really good for everyone. Good Luck, sorry for rambling!

There are programs you can get for your computer that allow you to see your child's every key stroke and also allow you to see both sides of any online conversation. I would suggest putting this on your computer. I have a friend with a duaghter who has the myspace, facebook and others, but she also has the login and passwords to view anything her child has done on the account. I would make the punnishment harsh because he went behind your back and basically lied about it. I agree with taking away privledges and also deleting the account.

Take the computer away from him... period. If its in his room, disconnect the modem...... You told him not to make one, he did... said he was 18...etc. He lied. So, he loses that privledge.
When he really is 18, he can put one up again.

I would say that maybe you shouldnt totally take away the myspace i know some kids use it for the wrong reasons or lie about things but if you monitor what hes doing and make sure there are no explicit pics ect.. you can set the myspace page so that only people that know his email or last name can add him that way no outside people can be "friends" with him .. also he can make it private. maybe make one yourself and have you add him as a friend as just something to monitor his page make sure he doesnt lie about anything and that hes just on there for friends. its actually a cool website if you use it correctly. you could also limit his time on the actual website. if you dont have one already its kinda a cool place to catch up with old friends/ family.. as you can tell i have one and i keep in contact with friends i dont get to see that live out of state or family members. good luck with whatever you choose

When our daughter was about 13, she snuck and created a MySpace page, even though we had clearly forbid this. My computer savvy hubby discovered it and she was grounded from the computer for one month. Even though we'd already discussed the dangers with her previously, we found articles and stories about how dangerous putting your personal info out there can be for teens; and how even innocent comments can be used to determine personal info about someone. Finally, the message sunk in.

Around a year later, we did let her create a Facebook Page. (I like it better than MySpace, it just seems a tad bit more family friendly.) But I created a Facebook Page as well--you could do the same with MySpace--and then "friended" my child. This way I can periodically monitor her page, and if something inappropriate or too personal gets on there, even by mistake, I can point it out and have my child remove it.

Isn't parenting teens fun?! ;)

Oh, one more thing, I agree with the other mom--Net Nanny is great protective software to install on your computer to help keep kids more Internet safe.

D.,

Why not a compromise between the two. I really liked the post from one of the other mom's below. She recommended deleting his myspace page and then re-instituting it in a month, and the three of you talk about what is, and isn't appropriate and why. Find out your son's thoughts and feelings, and express yours as well.

During the month he is grounded I would go with your husband's idea of removing his computer time except for school work, but keep the guitar. Every kid needs an outlet, especially when they are going through a punishment. I wouldn't push the punishment past a month though...that is too extreme.

-Good luck!

The first thing is - make sure you pray about this - alone, with your husband and with your son. Make sure he knows full out WHY he needs what ever is to come.

My 13 yr old girl did the same thing. You can and should delete it. He knew exactly what he was doing - against his parent's wishes. I agree with others - make sure the computer is in an open area. Making the fun time gone for a few weeks won't hurt either. We also have passworded the computer so each of our kids have to be logged on by one of us so we know when they are on. At 13, they some times don't get we are trying to protect them. My daughter actually had 20 - 35 yr old men emailing her because she set up a singles.net account also. We are very careful about letting her on now and have blocked both those AND U Tube (the kids were watching videos there that were VERY inappropriate).

Yes, there should be some sort of punishment, but as stated by someone else, you are asking for other problems by taking the guitar for so long. I would find extra chores that have to be done every weekend for a month instead - make sure they are not something he would enjoy doing anyway. Our oldest son told me he was tired of being disiplined, I looked at him and told him simply "then don't do things that require it".

Good Luck with your son and it sounds like you are definately on the right track - keep being a great mom.

D. ~
When my son and step-kids were younger, our computer was in the spare bedroom (we were in a mobile home and that was the only place we had to put it). None of the kids were ever allowed to be online without us being able to look over their shoulder whenever we wanted to. The door was always open and I or my husband would often randomly walk in the room and look at what they were doing. I actually caught my step-son trying to cheat on homework once and he was then not allowed online. He was going to copy someone else's paper on a book, so I said he had to do it on his own...he could use the computer, but not be online.
I would definitely delete the myspace page, and ground him from the computer. Maybe throw in some extra chores or ground him for a bit for sneaking around to do it. Then always make sure you monitor his online activities. If he's home before you guys are home from work, then take the modem. Whatever it takes to keep him safe. Explain that it's not necessarily that you don't trus him, but that you don't trust the other people out there. People can say they are anyone online and there's no way to know.
good luck!
D.

My son has a myspace and a computer in his room. What he doesn't have is full reign.
His computer has a lockout, login screen, and the password is only known by my husband and I. So if he wants on the computer, we have to log him in. We can choose to sit right there with him when he's on it, or give him a little space (but pull the history, so we know where he's been)
same with the myspace...only we have the password to get in...so we log in and monitor it ourselves too. He needs to keep it private...he needs to have the setting where someone needs to know his last name or e-mail to even be able to request him as a friend, etc.
and he can't get on there, unless I get him on there. Its a great way for him to "express" himself though.
It sounds like your son didn't have anything bad on there, and that he was being pretty responsible...but he did it behind your back, and that's a problem.
Your son should definitely be grounded from computer for a while. because he went behind your back.
But a webpage of his own (that's how this generation communicates) might not be out of the question, if you are doing it WITH him.

Hmmmm---I too was very against myspace but I am a strong believer that sheltering your kids from everything does NOT make them stronger or better equipped to make good choices. Also, if the teen girlfriends/guy friends are saying sexy things or anything of the like, you can be sure your son is already hearing/seeing it all anyway at school, extra curricular, the movies on the weekends, whatever........
My children have myspace accounts and I have the passwords to log on, which I do often and read through their inbox both sent and received, look through their friends and friend requests, etc. And I too am always very happy to see that my son (14yrs old) makes good choices in what he says/posts, etc. Please take this from someone whose parents were very cut and dry--no compromise --real "sticklers" on rules....your child will break them, they all do, but the difference is, will he feel safe with you to talk openly and to share his concerns about his peers and what they are doing or what he feels pressured to do, without having to fear the backlash of the "rules" or will he just not talk to you and go about making the choices he feels compelled to make behind your back. At some point, you have to trust your parenting and believe that you have paved a good path, with the foundation to make good choices and TALK TALK TALK to your children so that they trust you and believe that you are rational enough to handle what they are experiencing, and understanding enough to make a compromise on things. It doesn't mean you give in on everything, there are plenty of things I still say No to. But I try to compromise the best I can on almost everything.........I learned all of this the hard way. Like I said, my parents were very "cut and dry" this is the way it is, period. kind of people, and I was drinking and having sex by the time I was 16, because my peers were and I felt pressured, and no way was I going to go talk to my totally out of touch, completely non-understanding parents (that was my mind frame back then), so I continued to make my own decisions. I parent completely different with my own children and I believe whole heartedly that my way is better. My son and I talk about everything and he continues to impress me with the positive decisions he makes, even in the face of peer pressure. Trust the foundation you have laid and try to find a common ground. Myspace is not that big of a deal, it just needs monitored and that is why I require access to the accounts. My 10 yr old has one!
Regardless of what you choose to do, just keep in mind there will be bigger, scarier battles in front of you and you want to be sure you are someone your child trusts and can go to.....

My kids are 15 & 13 and they use facebook. It's a little less "racey" than My space. My daughter (15) made a my space and lied about who she was...the whole nine yards. Anyway, we found out and made her delete it. After 6 months we allowed her to make a new account on facebook but we randomly monitor it to make sure that it being used appropriately. Now my 13 year old has a facebook, too. It seems to be working better than my space and seems friendlier. It IS the way kids communicate now and as long as you keep an eye on them and make sure they aren't posting inappropriate stuff it should be o.k. Our kids DON'T have their own computer though and the one they use is in our living room so we can walk by and check it out. You can also make your own facebook that helps you check on your kids.
Anyway, good luck.