M.F.
Ahhhh. I hear you! My daughter has a pretty explosive temper that was especially bad when she was 2-3. It was much worse than any other children I have ever seen, including my own older one. Seriously, she could peel paint off the walls with her screaming and it got to the point where we were all walking on eggshells around her, even her big sister was afraid to be around her. Now it is much better. I, too, thought I was losing my mind! You are not alone. The good news is that things are much better. My husband and I found a way to handle this that really helped. Some of the suggestions below are just things we figured out and others came from a really helpful book called "The Highly Sensitive Child." This book really changed the atmosphere in our house dramatically, so I highly recommend it.
Here's what I learned that helped me. I hope it helps you!
1) Stay calm. An out of control child needs to see that parents are in control or it scares them and makes them more upset. On days when the tantrums were especially bad, I would sometimes lose patience and blow up back at my daughter, but that only made things worse. It took a lot of effort, but I eventually learned to stay calm no matter how bad the tantrums got and it really helped.
2) Teach the right language. Two year olds don't know all the words they need to express their anger, frustration, etc. That's one of the reasons they have tantrums. After my daughter would finish her tantrum, we would talk about it. I would say, "Wow. I could tell you were feeling really upset. You were mad. Do you feel better now? You were screaming a lot. That's called a temper tantrum. Next time you are feeling mad, let's not have a tantrum. Let's do _______ instead." Even if she doesnt understand what you are saying at first, it will eventually sink in. My dd is now 4 and is much better at controlling her temper and expressing her feelings with words.
3) Create a safe space. One of the things we did was make her room a "safe place" if she was feeling upset. In the safe place, you can scream and cry. (Remove any non-childproof or breakable items from the room!) If I started to see her getting upset and I thought a meltdown was coming, I would say "I see you are upset. Do you need to go to your safe place?" If she had a real blow up, I would (as calmly as possible) remind her that she could go to her safe place to scream and cry but screaming and crying are not allowed in the rest of the house. It takes time and patience to help a 2 year old understand this concept, but again persistence pays off in the end.
4. Keep your sense of humor. Sometimes you can diffuse a meltdown by acting silly. Humor also helps when you are worrying about your child. I know I was so worried when my daughter went through this. It really helped to keep my sense of humor.
5. Remind yourself of all your child's good traits. Sometimes we focus on the problem areas and forget all the gifts our child has. Remember that the temper is only one aspect of her personality.
6. Don't withdraw. When the tantrums get really bad it is natural to feel yourself pulling back emotionally because it is so draining to deal with a screaming child. I think the children can feel this and it gives them one more reason to be upset. No matter what they do or say, they need to know that you are there for them. I would say the words out loud to my daughter. "No matter what you do. No matter how bad you feel. Mommy loves you. I'm here." Did she understand those exact words at 2? Probably not. But she did see that I stayed in the game when she was out of control (and being out of control is frightening for kids) and now that she is a little older, she understands the words, too.
Good luck to you! You are obviously a very caring mom to be so concerned about this and looking for solutions. You can do it!
