I have 2 girls that are 11. They fight--bicker, quarrel, whatever you want to call it. It is driving us crazy. Every little thing is open for argument. They even verbally attack each other about what one did or did not do. I grew up in a large family and yes I did fight with my younger brother. But nothing like this. They have to share a room and we don't have much room to begin with though hope to change that in the future. I cannot send them to their room. I have tried to send one to the kitchen and one to their room but that does not work well. I am seriously ready to do a Three Stooges on them and clunk their heads together. The kids all have chores, which I have to write down or they say I never told them to do it, plus there are rules in the house. They are told repeatedly that food is to stay in the kitchen but I end up scrubbing the couch every weekend. They act like being grounded is temporary--they will ask to go by their friend's house a couple hours later. And telling them to start taking showers every day instead of every other day is like pulling teeth. Especially in this heat, yuck. I feel like I have a bunch of teens already. How do you mom's handle it? One of my girls is receiving counseling for something else and I know that siblings do argue. But this is getting out of hand or at least sure feels like it. BTW, they do not have cell phones, we do not have xbox or wii or whatever. They are allowed one hour on the computer each day if they behave and get chores done.
Take the door down til they earn it back! They dont' respect you very much as I can tell by them asking to go somewhere after being grounded. If thats not enough clear out their room and let them earn things back. Leave them a bed, pillow and a blanket. About the shower thing, that's an endless battle.
I have an 11 year old girl too. I am REALLY struggling with this age. We are dealing with the same shower situation. My approach has been to discuss being responsible for her own hygiene has certain rewards that come with acting older (i.e. highlighting her hair, wearing mascara). I know my daughter has friends that already do these things and there will be many more in middle school. I have tried to explain to her that if she wants those things that she needs to start acting older and be responsible for her hygiene without me telling her to. She is still struggling but I can see that this has given her something to consider and I do believe that she is trying harder and will try even harder when middle school starts.
My best punishment for my daughter is to restrict her wardrobe. When she behaves badly she is grounded from the freedom of choosing her own outfits and shoes for a week. She REALLY hates this. I make her wear very boring clothing and gym shoes everyday instead of cutesy flip flops and cute tank tops.
Maybe after they argue you should have them write out their feelings and make them read it to each other. Make them include how they feel that particular day and include something nice to nice about the other sister. I don't know.....just trying to think of something outside the normal groundings...
Umm, why are you cleaning the sofa. If they eat in the living, then maybe on their next weekend grounding...they can spend the time cleaning your living room. As far as the fighting...maybe try the opposite approach. Instead of separating them, push them together. My friend's mother would make her son's hug while standing on a piece of newspaper. If they stopped hugging or argued before the timer went off, she would add more time. They still fought, but never around their mom :)
Your HUBBY also has to reinforce things.
They are old enough... I would, sit them down, have a formal "family meeting".... and clearly delineate the rules, TOGETHER with your Husband. AND the consequences. And stick to it. Regardless of their antics. The more they don't take it seriously... then you tack on another consequence or LENGTHEN the grounding. If they ask, a couple of hours later to go to their friend's house... you repeat, that is not allowed... then tack on ANOTHER consequence. ON both of them. They will learn... that THEY are making a "choice." And to cooperate or not.
Also, make a "contract" and have them sign it.
Take things away from them... privileges/treats/things, the use of the home phone etc.
Let them not take showers. Let them see how dirty and stinky they get. IF their Teacher comments, then tell them and they will be embarrassed. Take away their soap/shampoo etc., and then say nothing. If they ask you why its gone, say "well you don't take showers so you don't need it...."
Also, if you do a Google Search on "Tween Development" tons of good articles will come up. Read it for your and their benefit.
They aren't listening... nor following-up. You and Hubby have to be a united front. AND they are not taking you seriously, at all.
Every time they fight or bicker... tack on ANOTHER consequence on top of the existing consequences. Do it to BOTH of them, regardless of who started it. It takes 2 to start a fight and 2 to end it. Period.
The Tween ages are from 9-12 years old.... then they are Teens. I would get them on board before they hit the teens.
The book: "Have A New Kid By Friday" is real great. By Leman. You can get it from Amazon or E-bay.... it has great ideas.
Also the book: "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk."
try not arguing with them. Say what you want/expect of them. Say it once. Then if they don't do it... then on your own, write it down. Keep a tally. Then, based on that... put a consequence on them. Period. You AND Hubby... sit them down in "family meetings" regularly... to touch base, communicate about anything in the family, needs, budget, responsibilities, what needs to be done, what is not being done etc. Do this regularly. And make them a PART of it all.... and what the expectations are.
Make it about them doing their chores AND keeping their behavior in line. BOTH of these things.
Make it a 'requirement'... that EVERY day... they do something COOPERATIVELY... and to do something nice... for the family. To genuinely compliment someone else in the family, or to do something extra, something "thoughtful"... and that it be genuine. This will be teaching them "attitude" and how to think OUTSIDE of themselves. Too. Which they need.
They need to learn... how to act, beyond the perfunctory chores, and how to "act."
Just some quick thoughts,
All the best,
Susan
I know people say these are the teen years and that is what siblings do. However, enough is enough!!! You and your husband both talk to them and tell them what is to be expected. Find out what makes them so agitated with each other. Some twins are the best of friends and some can be each others worse enemy.
I am sure sharing a room can be frustrating for them. However just let them know that until things change, this is the way it will have to be. And they will have to make the best of it.
As far as taking showers are concerned, if you can, you set the time. At night they are to have their showers taken by, whatever time you say. If they have not taken their showers than they should not be on the phone, on the computer, watching tv or doing anything. If they shower in the morning, then you set the time for mornings as well. If they can't take showers like big girls, than they don't need to be doing big girl things, such as going out with friends.
If they mess up your sofa with food, than they should be the ones cleaning it up, not you. If the sofa continues to get messed up, than they are no longer allowed to sit on the sofa, they can sit on the floor. You have to stand your ground and let them know that they do not have the upper hand.
