Turning 40... - Bellingham,WA

I am in my forties and I feel better than any other time in my life. I am single and I would love to be married but for now I am loving myself and my kids. I have a couple of different suggestions. I was so sad and lonely then I looked at what was making me sad and lonely and got rid of him. Problem solved!! I have always had hormone problems and finally a friend suggested a doctor that specializes in bio-identical hormones. I went to him and after he did a complete hormone work-up on me we discovered a very low level of progesterone. This hormone controls a lot of different things. I think that would control the behavior you are experiencing. Progesterone also controls the quality and amount of sleep you get. I know I can not function without sleep. I become very erratic and irrational. Thyroid is another big hormone issue that many women suffer from. I even had a friend that tells me that until she went on bio-identical hormones she was on several anti-depressants. I also take different herbs and vitamins along with diet and exercise. A lot of times if you make the inside happy the outside will follow.

It sounds like a woman hormone type issue. Seriously. My mom, sister, and I went through something very similar. Go see a doctor. Tell him you're feeling crazy. I'll bet he can give you something to get you back on track. I took antidepressants for about a year, the entire time swearing I wasn't depressed and I really don't think I was.... but something wasn't right and the meds helped me get through.

When is the last time you had a physical? Go get one, it could be thyroid or any number of hormonal issues. You are not alone! Many of us went off the deep end at 40. There are a lot of us older moms here!

I'm 55 and I have had your experience. As I neared 40, my life revolved around working for a huge Church as Director for Religious Education.
I was being used up, and I was everyone's therapist. For work I was required to take 1 College class a semester. My husband worked constantly, he was infatuated with a woman at work and had a "platonic*" relationship her. My kids were in middle school and were more work than ever. The kids noticed more and more that Dad wasn't home much.

At the College, I saw an ad for a study abroad in Ireland. Every time I thought about Ireland, I felt a wave of relief. I told husband & kids, I'd love to go to Ireland for a semester. Husband and kids said, "Mom, go." Of course, we didn't have any money to pay for a semester travel and study abroad.

Thankfully, I was going to a therapist for depression and stress reduction.
I told my husband " I need you to go to therapy with me. I need you to understand why I'm acting differently and saying mean things. I'm feel like I'm losing my mind. You are my husband, I want you to help me. Reluctantly and hesitantly, he went to therapy with me.

The therapist asked me. "what's stopping you from going to Ireland?"
I said, "I'm afraid I'll never come back." "OH, I know I'd miss my family." "Seriously, whats the point!" "When I return, everyone will treat me like I'd been on vacation." You'll expect more from me and I'll be back where I started.

I made the decision not "cut and run." I stayed in therapy. I stayed married. At work if someone talked to me about their problems, after
5 minutes of listening, I'd hand them a business card from my therapist, and say " this is just the person you need to see." Give them a hug or shake their hand and send them onward.

Eventually, we figured out a new budget, I quit my job and worked part time. Although, I reduced my work schedule. I'd pushed myself too far,
for too long. I became ill with Lupus and other complications. I'm now disabled and unable to work.

Don't ignore your "feelings." I believe that a job and work filled with anxiety were part of my health breakdown. Place value your sanity and your body's health. Go to therapy. Don't like your therapist? Find a new one. Ask your husband to come with you to therapy, it was helpful for me.

Find a Gynecologist and have your hormones checked. It's possible it's hormones, if it's a hormone imbalance, it's probably only part of the problem,

*As for the platonic girl friend at my husbands work, I asked him to invite her over for dinner. We'd all like to meet her. If she's important to you, we want to spend time with her. Your friends are our friends too. I repeatedly made plans for his "friend" to join us for dinner and various events. Finally, he told me, he'd asked her and "she didn't think it would be a good idea.

You could tell your husband that if he likes her so well, maybe she could be your new best friend. Won't that be fun!!! Your ex will be my new best friend! I'll bet she'll duck and run for cover.

We're still married, we just had our 36th wedding anniversary. I hope I gave you some insight and a couple survival skills.

I'm not quite to my 40s yet, so I apologize if this advice is irrelevant :) I've heard women in their 50s say that the 40s was the time that they first learned to say "no". That in their 30s, these women had spent so much time pleasing other people, and they finally learned to stand up for themselves in their 40s. Maybe this is what you're calling "defiance"? It's not a terrible thing if it leads to a good place. I would say, just make sure that your choices aren't ones you'll regret later. Good luck to you.

Personally, i think turning 40 is not the problem, you are so angry with alot of people in your life. Your ex-husband, your current husband and your demanding job. Set your priorities right and do what really makes you happy. It's your life, live it the way you want, do not do things to get approval. Now is the time to be happy, your responsibilities should be getting less, your children are abit grown up. You should have your me time now. Do not worry about other peoples lives, think about you for a while. There's no point to be rebelious like going to smoke pot, that's going to cause you more problems. Take one day at a time, things will fall into place as long as you know what you want in life. Wishing you the best and enjoy your life, it's very short to waste worrying about things you have no control.

I will be 42 this year and I have noticed in the last 3 years or so, that I definitely feel my hormones effects much more noticeably. Moodiness, headaches (which I used to NEVER have), tired more, etc... and it isn't just for a day... it is usually spread out over the course of the entire week. Maybe you should check in with your physician. It could be early onset (pre-menopause) menopause. I know people who have had it at this age. I also know lots of women in this general age group with thyroid issues. I don't know that those specifically would cause the defiance that you describe... but they might. Or it could be some other reason that a thorough physical might pick up on.

I am almost 50. We are all ages here on mamasource.
Turning any next decade really seems to make me stop and reevaluate, where I am who I am and where I am going next.

This is on all levels. Self, Spouse, child, family, career, spirituality, health and then future.

It also becomes clearer, that I do not have to "take it any more". I have become a strong person. I have earned my ability to ask for what I want and I am stronger than ever.

What I have to do is watch this new "power". At one point I realized I was becoming aggressive. I was very sensitive to what others said. I wanted them to know I was not going to take it any more. I drove my car differently, I had less patience.

It finally got so bad, my family started asking "what was going on?"

It started to scare me because I could not control, the aggressiveness.. I was diagnosed as depressed. I had a full physical and saw a therapist, started on some medication, changed my diet, got more rest and was able to get back on track. All of the history that I had felt I had gotten past was still there and yet I wanted to move forward. Till I settled all of the history, I was a crossroads.

Make an appt with your doctor.
Start a journal, a blog what ever and really look at yourself to make sure you are healthy on all levels. Be your best, you deserve it and so does your family.

I'm sorry to hear of how you feel, and I understand, even though I'm in my 30s. For me, it was being a single mom, and really missing my school days (I became pregnant in graduate school and it was a very freeing time for me). I find myself still reminiscing when the going gets tough... I had a really horrid day this week, when I was needed in many different places at once, and I just wished I had stayed in bed!!!

But, you know, I felt so bad about myself, it made everything that much worse. I started making bigger and bigger mistakes (locked myself out of my car, almost had to throw a brick at the window to open it... stuff like that)... and the big lesson for me was, no matter how tough things are, they can always get worse if I am in the mindset of beating myself up about it.

You named some areas that can be changed: namely your job and your husband. I think Ann D gave great advice, and I would seriously consider changing the job, if it is not bringing you joy anymore. Also, your situation with your husband sounds intolerable. I would draw the boundary at cheating, and let your husband have his ex, but not have you, too. You need to respect yourself, and not let him walk all over you like that. It's hard to change, but maybe if you do this, you will feel better - I don't know your exact situation, so it's hard to say. But it's worth thinking about. :)

The only constant that you need to keep is that of being mommy to your children. I think you would regret not being there for them. But everything else can be changed, if you really want it to. Wishing you the best, and please update!! <3

Hi Luka,

The problem with turning 40 is you're turning 40 :) You are at a crossroads however you CAN choose how to handle things. I'm sure you are creeping into the hormone thing (my husband thought I had turned into godzilla...) I was angry all day long because nothing made me happy. Absolutely nothing! After watching my family's reaction to me, over a period of time, I finally had to realize that the family didn't deserve my behavior and I was just going to have to grin and bear it. The hormones are worse at 40 than they ever were at 13... There are so many more responsibilities and you just can't go in your room and cry like you did then. I know you don't want to hear this but a nutritious diet and exercise will help alot. I know.... another thing to "do." All these things you've mentioned are not things you can't handle one at a time. Separate them into projects and don't let anyone overwhelm you. Tell your family when you are feeling overwhelmed and ask them to help. I actually sat down with my daughters and asked them to give me a head's up if I was pushing Dad too hard. He was very patient with me but he would get to the end of his rope too.

Hope this helps a little. It's a hard time in a woman's life. Just make sure that you remember the life you have AFTER this is over. It will come!

God bless,

M.

Ignore those posts that say you're selfish. You may have just come to a point where you are thinking "what about me". For people around you to flourish and be happy, you need to be happy. That means taking care of yourself and sometimes putting yourself first.

Having said that, I do think you should get checked out. It does sound like possibly a hormone imbalance. When they are out of whack they really change your personality. Rule that out first.
Then you need to assess calmly what a solution would be. I don't think it's making rash decisions and leaving your family and job, but definitely make some changes that empower you. You'd be surprised how just a few little changes seem to change the whole picture!
Good luck

.

It's only a number and you'll get over it after you actually turn 40. I was pretty depressed leading up to my 40th, too. But then at 41 I had two beautiful baby boys and aside from being very tired - possibly more so than I would have been if I'd met my husband, settled down and had kids when I was in my late 20s or early 30s - I no longer think of myself as old and my age doesn't bother me anymore. Sounds like you're having a bit of a mid-life crisis. Maybe you need to make some small changes... career?

You sound like you are having a middle life crisis. You have a job that requires you to have relations with humans, to help manage their lives in respect to their jobs, and yes it's part counselor. You need to be empathetic and find solutions for the employee and your company/employer.

Having your say with your Dad may have felt good for you, but in the 'big' picture, the long run, what have you done to your relationship? Short term gratification with long term consequences and pain for your Dad?

The fact that your current husband still can have a conversation/relationship with his ex is the sign of a healthy relationship as long as it's not friends with benefits. Your relationship with your ex-husband doesn't allow for that relationship, but you do share kids and at some point they need to interact with their Dad, and you will have some sort of relationship with him.

Smoking pot and piercing your nose, well you're living life on the edge. Not with the piercing, but definitely with the pot. You're setting an example for your kids that the rules, the law doesn't apply to you because you're doing what you want to, regardless. With your kids in middle school, you're setting the ground rules for their future behaviors. Do as I say not as I do, really doesn't hold up during the middle of an argument with a 13-18 yr old child.

So what are you suppose to do? I strongly suggest that you find a counselor to talk with. It may be that they will prescribe medication to help you thru this transition. Stop smoking the pot. It's illegal and you're smoking, bad for your lungs. A trip to your ob/gyn to check your hormone levels and a complete physical are in order.

We all have moments of frustration and wish we could do something different, usually those frustrations don't hurt others that love us, we have some level of self control. You need to get control.

Here's to happier, healthier days!!!

It sounds quite selfish and immature - your behavior. Like a 15 year old rebellious child actually. I think you need therapy to get over your anger issues and your seeking to be the center of attention. Its like your idea of adventure is to go and do things that are abnormal for a 40+ yr. old to do and you are insecure with yourself.
Many people going through rough times have ideas that cross their minds of leaving everyone behind in the dust and starting out fresh again -- but then 5 minutes later you need to snap back to reality and look at your kids - that is ALL it takes - realizing that there will be no one better out there to raise my kids (and no way in hell would the kids father be able to do it right, so that alone puts things back into perspective).
Maybe you need to stand up for your rights more, but in a kind but firm way, without being violent about it. Put your foot down to your husband or anyone about expectations. Do not be a 'yes girl' agreeing to things that you either do not have the time, energy or desire to do - many people fall into this 'I must please everyone' routine, and never stop and say "NO ! I cannot fulfill on that, sorry."
As far as your current husband goes - (unless he has kids with the ex wife there should be NO reason he has any contact with the woman)...so if that is the case (no kids between the 2 of them) you put your foot down and say there will be no further contact between him and the ex, or you are finished with him - give him some ultimatum's - you do not need to be a doormat for him to walk on. His concentration should be on you, and the marriage and the children -- not on some ex. You need to be firm and make changes or he will NOT take you seriously.
The smoking pot, drinking, piercing yourself is so immature and childish I don't even know what to say.....I think you need therapy for this issue - this is your way of being rebellious, yet you are only hurting yourself (and you are not being a good role model for your children). Your kids are human sponges and will watch every thing you do and emulate that. Do not think for a second that they have no clue (or they won't know what you are up to) they do !!
Definitely seek out a therapist who will help you. Think before you do foolish immature things. You are 40 and need to be a responsible grown up now.....

I agree with those who said get a physical and talk to a therapist. Things won't magically change overnight but you will be feeling more in control of your life once you do. I had anger issues and some other problems a couple of years before 40. Turns out my job was one of the main problems and I thought I 'loved' my job. Once I was out of there it was so different. Within 2 weeks I was a completely different person. I know that with the current economy that it's hard to make job changes right now. However, that could be the main culprit. Luckily all those changes occurred before my 40th so I felt almost liberated when I had my birthday. As far as your husband, you need to have a serious talk with him. He is married to you and needs to take your feelings into consideration first.
Good Luck.

This same thing happened to me when I was 39. My now ex husband was chatting/texting women, amongst other things in the marriage, and I was just SICK of it! It occured to me that I was almost 40 and my life was passing me by. I was unhappy and I didn't want to live like that anymore. So I divorced him. I had a big party for my 40th bday, sort of a new ME party and it was great. I decided to eliminate all negative things and people from my life and I have. I met and married a man who is wonderful to me and my kids and I could not be happier. I think you are just seeing things differently. Figure out what makes you happy and do it, get rid of everything else! Good luck!

It sounds to me as if stress of everything, and the anger for your husband's relationship with his ex-wife (whether it's friends or not) if making you very angry. You better take better care of yourself, because it looks to me that you are on the verge of burnout, which can lead to depression of a major scale, and being hospitalized, and losing your entire family AND your health. It happened to me! You do NOT want to get to that point. Also, do not make any decisions when you are in this mode. You will be sorry later that you made bad ones based on being in a bad place emotionally and mentally. To me the piercings and the pot represent the fact that you are looking for ANY way to go on, and cope. That means you are DESPERATE!

In our 40s (I'm now 51) there are midlife crisis that happen (read the book "Passages"). If you haven't worked on some issues you've had in the past, they are now here in all their glory to deal with now. It's time to take stock of yourself and figure out how to deal with the issues you have been running away from due to probably feeling out of control, or maybe were too busy to face before. You have to face your monsters, demons, whatever you call them (skeletons in the closet) and work with them, acknowledge that it's OK to feel the way you feel, forgive and forget and go on. When you hit 50, trust me, you will be so happy that you worked out your issues, and be a happier person than you were (I think) in any previous time before that. A lot of people my age say the same thing. THERE'S HOPE!

I suggest the first thing you should do is communicate in a nice way with your husband when you are not angry and really see what's going on between him and you and his ex-wife. I know a LOT of divorced people who are friends with their exes. No, there is nothing else going on. After all, they share history together. They actually HAVE to be friends if there are children involved. They just can't be married to them. See if there are some issues you can talk about and work out with your husband. If you can't work them out, pray, or maybe get counseling, talk to a friend who is understanding and won't take sides.

It's easy when life is running us ragged, that we get so angry that we become hurtful, negative and self-destructive. We can't run very long from the things that are bothering us, before we bump into them straight on. Trust me, I know. I've been where you are. If I don't deal with what's bothering me, it comes out all over the place. Your children won't be happy either, because they will see that you are unhappy. No matter how you try to hide it from them, they will see it.

I don't know about your feelings about the all-loving and merciful trinitarian God, but I would suggest to find a church and start thinking about your spiritual life. (see http://www.antiochian.org/discoverorthodoxchristianity for the original ancient church). St. Sophia Orthodox Christian Church is in Bellingham (Tel: ###-###-####). Work on yourself, pray about how you feel, God will give you the strength and peace you need to go on, because without HIM, we all burn out. I have a lot of anger issues myself, and Mother's day is especially hard, especially if we expect something we are not getting. I had a REALLY bad day yesterday, myself. Without my spiritual life, I would be a mess today, probably not married any more (2nd husband).

I've been burned out to the point of not wanting to be in this life. And even wanting to throw away everything I had. Guess what. It gets better. Work on your issues, pray for peace, life patience and strength. God who is ever merciful and loves you will help you work it out. You can email me directly if you need to talk further.

Your current husband is emotionally unfaithful. Ditch him because he is just going to be abusive forever without ever raising a fist or doing you physical harm. Give him back to the ex-wife the dragon lady deserves him. You go make a good life for yourself and your kids.

As for telling your father where the limits are. Too bad you could not have done that years ago. So many fathers are not nice or respectful to their daughters from an early age. If you are struggling with setting limits go ahead and do it.
As for the judgemental nannys out there who are so fixated on pot and the law if we weren't lying to ourselves and our children about it no one would turn to stronger drugs.
It needs to be legalized. I've worked in Europe for more than 25 years and it is not a criminal act to grow it in your garden or smoke it on the street. So why are Americans so immature about a substance that is less harmful than alcohol? Our policies have made for gang violence all around the country from Mexican drug lords.
You who have chided this sister of ours for trying to get a little relief from her challenging life are far too puritanical to have any common sense or much experience in your own life. Hardly anybody makes POT a life style.
Luka I too had to challenge those around me to become assertive. Keep on growing. There are good times ahead for women who make the necessary changes to have a better life.

On the one hand, good for you for finally taking care of yourself. On the other hand, please don't leave your kids and your husband (well you can leave your husband if you want, but don't just disappear in the night). There are ways you can assert yourself (and you should) so that no one is walking all over you and ways you can nourish yourself so that you have energy that you WANT to give to other people. I think you should pick up a book called "Wild Feminine" by Tami Lynn Kent, it will make you think about a lot of things...

it sounds like you are unhappy with your life and possibly depressed. it is not uncommon for people to re-examine their lives at particular birthdays. So firstly give yourself a break. It also sounds a bit like you have allowed yourself to become other people's doormat and it is something that you are trying to change, but maybe going about it in a defensive and acting out sort of way (piercing, pot etc). I would recommend a counselor to help you work through some of these issues. If you can't afford one, you can look into what's offered through your company (being an HR person you should know).

All this being said, the magic word you need to foster in your life is the word 'no'. I don't mean that you need to say 'no' everytime someone asks you to do something, but you need to examine before saying yes, if this is something you really want to do, have time for etc. So instance, when someone at work comes in and wants to unload on you about their problems, you need to say something to the effect of "I am in HR, I have a lot of work to do and I am not trained to deal with these problems." Then refer them to the counseling program your company has. then the key is to not feel guilty about setting boundaries.

I recommend you read the following articles;
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14737-unconditional-sel...
and
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-...

You aren't alone in how you are feeling.
good luck to you.
-Jenn

Do you have early onset menopause??? Please get a physical and talk to a dr before you do something you can't take back.

i'm a soon to be 47 year old mother of an 8 year old active boy. i remember when he was about 3 i was feeling rage...serious rage. i got on an anti-depressant and that change my feelings. if i miss one day of taking my"happy" pill i can slowly feel the rage growing inside. please talk to your dr. and only you can make the life changes in your life. i now feel i can take on the world...i feel stronger and wiser with age!!!! good luck to you and don't do anything that you might regret later!!!

There is nothing wrong with your desire to not have the weight of the world on your shoulders. There is also nothing wrong with re-defining yourself. There is something wrong with abandoning your kids and breaking the law (read - illegal drug use).

I have been in that spot before, although I am not 40. You need to redefine your life based around your priorities - hopefully your kids make that list, and hopefully your marriage makes that list. Once you know your priorities (and your job may not be one of them) you can move in a direction that makes sence for you. While leaving your family is not ideal, maybe you need a weekly "mom's day off" where you can go do whatever and hubby has the kids and household responsibilities. Maybe your job is wearing you down, making the home life seem to be more of a burden than they really are - it could be time for a career change.

Whatever you decide, it sounds like you need some change in your life and a renewed since of purpose/direction. It is time to take stock of who you really are and where you want to take your life.

Best of luck!!!!

Are you me? LOL I have been having those same issues this past year, even though I am a little younger than you. I myself have wondered if this is what they call a mid-life crisis. I just pierced my nose and my lip, and have been smoking pot and even drinking, something I have not done since my early 20s. I do not care what people think, and seem to have a bad attitude most of the time. I have found that having extra time to myself to think and meditate has helped. When I get that "I want to leave my life behind" feeling I indulge the fantasy knowing I would and could never leave my family, but it never hurts to do things in your mind every once and a while. I think sometimes as we get older we forget that we are still growing and changing just as our children are. Embrace the changes you love, and make a plan to work on changing the ones you don't.