Trying to Prepare Myself to Return to Work

Updated on June 17, 2009
A.S. asks from San Diego, CA
6 answers

Hi Moms, thanks in advance for any advice, help, and/or support. I have a 4mo baby girl, that I have stayed at home with so far. I will be returning to work here shortly. I really don't want to go back to work, but I have major guilt about the whole thing. I had always planned on returning to work after having her, but now I don't really want to go back. However, my job is rewarding and I enjoy working, but I'd rather be home with my baby. I feel that I can take care of her better than anyone else, and I don't want to miss out on any moments with her. What am I going to do???? We have become very adjusted to the lifestyle that two incomes has provided for us, and it would be a huge financial loss for me to stay at home, but that is where I would rather be. How do I approach this subject with my husband. He is an amazing hard working daddy, and I usually have no problem talking/discussing things with him, but I feel guilty over wanting to stay home now, when I had always planned on going back. Any and all help/advice/suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

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J.F.

answers from Las Vegas on

Dear A S,

I know you asked for advice, but I hope that while we are all giving advice, we will refrain from telling you what you "SHOULD" do. Deciding to stay at home is a very personal issue, and a lot goes into making this decision. I hope that we will not judge any other mom negatively or try to make anyone feel guilty for the decisions she makes because it is her decision to make! The mark of a great mother is not her outside employment status! With that said, I think, however, that hearing some of our personal stories about this situation might be helpful when trying to make your decision. You'll know you're not alone!

I remember talking to my Grandmother, who was 93 at the time, just prior to the end of my maternity leave. I told her how sad I was, how I didn't want to leave the baby. She put it very simply to me: "Honey, people have been raising families on one income for a long time. You can do it, if that is what you really want to do. You might have to make some changes, but you can do it." I would hear those words over and over again in my mind.

Your story is similar to mine. I had a great career I enjoyed, and I had always been independent financially. I had always intended to go back to work after the birth of my son, and I did for a time. What I didn't expect was how strongly I would feel after his birth about wanting to stay home with him. I felt torn between my dedication to my career, which was quite demanding and for which I'd worked very hard, and to my new priority, my son. It became increasingly difficult for me. I was breastfeeding and getting only an hour or two of sleep at a time and felt exhausted. I was pumping at work. I felt I wasn't giving my best to either my job or my son, and one particular evening after a nearly two-hour commute from my office to his daycare, I came home and talked with my husband about my feelings. We agreed that it would be best for our family for me to stay at home, and that is what I chose to do.

I went back time and again to my Grandmother's advice. The things I so freely spent money on prior to my son's birth were really no longer a priority to me. There are numerous ways to cut back on spending, and there are even some websites that help families who are planning to go from two incomes to one that could be quite helpful to review.

To be sure, the realities are lost income, a gap in work history, and some loss of adult or professional identity, but the things I have received in exchange are far more precious to me: spending time with my son, seeing him grow and learn each day; teaching him and being the major influence on his growth and development; learning that the simple things in life are truly the greatest. It has been nearly 3 1/2 years since I made the decision to stay home, and I am so happy that I did.

Yet, that is what works best for me and my situation. You will have to do some work to decide what is best for you and your family. You say you have to return to work soon, but it's not clear if that is next week or longer. Is it possible to extend your maternity leave either by using remaining vacation time or other time off or even trying without pay so you can see how this might work for you? This might give you and your husband some more time to think and plan before you decide on anything more permanent such as your resignation.

One thing I know is that if you think about what you truly want, make realistic plans, and then follow your heart, you are more likely to be happy with your decision.

I wish you and your family the best as you make this decision. Please do e-mail if I can be of any help to you.

J. F.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am a mom of two and I work part time (while my kids are in school) at a day care. Any monitary sacrifice you make is so much better than putting her daycare. Your daughter will gain NOTHING from daycare and you will gain EVERYTHING from being with her. Your work can replace you in two weeks, but your daughter can never replace her mom!

A person should only feel guilt when she had done something wrong. How is it wrong to take care of your child? Please go get In Praise of Stay At Home Moms by Dr. laura Schlessinger. This book is filled with real life moms and experiences as well as an index of resources. Also go to her website drlaura.com for tons of info and support. It will make you feel so much better about your decision.

Do not be afraid to talk to your hubby. What if he wants you to stay home but doesn't know how to approach you? Tell him that you want nothing more to take care of him and your daughter. You can do it and your family deserves the best and that is you!

As I mentioned before, I work in a daycare and it is heartbreaking to all of us teachers to see the little babies dropped off (sometimes so their moms can go home to relax!) I hate going there everyday and do feel like the biggest hypocrite. I have anger at these mom who drop off there child to us so they can go feel important at work or even go home to relax. We do our best, but there is nothing we can do that compares to a mommies love, warmth, touch and care. At a daycare your daughter will have to "compete" for getting fed, changed and held, not to mention the germs, sickness, bite, hits, scratches, etc. This is harsh but happens often. I'll admit that I had my own babies in daycare, thinking it was best since I was just down the hall from them. I realized too late how wrong I was and missed out on so much.

This time you have with your daughter is so prescious and fleeting-do not miss a minute. Pleae give your daughter what is best-her MOMMY!

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J.L.

answers from San Diego on

Hi A S, Leaving a baby in this day and age can be very scarry. I am a Daycare Provider, and I see all thr time how hard it is for young moms to leave their babys, all of my young moms are in the Military so they don't have a choice,

I think what you have to ask yourself and weight out is, are you and what are you wiling to sacrafice? that's not an easy question, it comes down to sacrafcie an income or raising your own baby. I had always been a stay at home mom, worked before becoming a mom, and being a SAHM was the greastest job and joy of my life, but we had decided before we even conceived that I would stay home. Living off of one income may not be easy but it is doable. Talk to your husband tell him have you feel, that you are torn, tell him you can go back to work when your childs start school, you can go part time, them when your child is in school full time then you'll work full time. You mentioned you enjoy your work, will you still enjoy it as much being away from your baby, Don't fill guilty about what decision you make, weight both sides, I will share my side as a provider, when we have baby's in our care we are who they are bonding with the biggest part of the day, I have a 3 month old little girl, today she rolled over for the first time today, and I was the one who saw it. Their just going to hear about it, it has it's pros and cons, me my personal feelings raising my children myself was more rewarding to me than have the extra income or a more matrerialistic life style, you have to choose for yourself, see what your husband says and go from there. If you do decide to go back and you have to put her in daycare, ask alot of questions before you choose a daycare. J. L.

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K.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hello! Regardless of your decision to return or not ... forget the guilt. Your baby will be wonderful and well-loved - always be you and your family, and maybe by a daycare provider. It is always hard to return to work ... maybe give it a try and it you just can't do it after a few weeks, then make a change. But .... in your search for daycare, be open with your husband and tell him your concerns. Because you are leary about returning to work, when looking for childcare, look at in-home centers - I have looked at numerous places and for each of my children I have had a great in-home daycare where my child was treated like family and I felt that we all mattered.

I love my family and I love my job ... it was hard to leave my daughter when she was born, but once I knew she was happy and content, I was happy and content. I know the same will be for my son when I return to work in August. I feel like I have a purpose at work and change people's lives, and then I come home and dote on my own family.

I hope you can find the balance for you. Just talk honestly with your husband and look at daycares - you will know if you find a good one!

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S.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

I was in the SAME situation! I have a 10 month old and a 2 year old! I am helping with the monthly income right from home! I teach other Moms to do the same...we have an awesome TEAM! http://www.ContentMommy.com Look forward to talking to you soon :)

S.

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S.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi there
I was in this exact situation after having my baby. I had gone to school for 6 years and worked for 5 years. I was determined to go back to work. I last 2 weeks. I felt so bad about leaving my son in daycare, and I really wanted to be home. My husband was unhappy too. We talked and I realized that I have at least 30-40 more years to work and make money, but I only have a few years to give my baby the full attention and love that he needs. We realized that we would have to make sacrifices to live on one income, but both felt that it was totally worth it. I plan to return to work when my children are in school. But thats just me
GOod luck

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