Trying to Decide Whether to Have #2? - West Des Moines,IA

K.,

Personally, I think one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is a sibling, for so many reasons. They learn SO much from each other - some things you can't teach them no matter how good of a parent you are. They will play differently with each other no matter how much you can get into the "big kid/friend" role. They will learn character building and life skills that they can't get from playmates and someday, when you and your husband have passed on, they will still have some of the family they were raised in. That is the biggest complaint I have had from my "only child" friends. Despite the fact that they were married and had kids when their parents died, there was a loneliness that went far beyond what children with siblings experience.

Something else to realize is that baby #2 (and beyond) is not baby #1 all over again. Many things are much easier. You know what you are doing. You have seen & done it before. Your body will probably recover faster. You have another child to teach the baby so many of the things that you had to teach the first one yourself and they pick stuff up so much quicker. There are so many things that I only taught my first child, and it just trickled down to the next and the next and the next. Your next child's personality and body may be very different. My first baby was colicky, but not my next three. Don't let that be your deciding factor.

But there are other things to think about. You will have to adapt. You won't be able to give #1 or #2 the undivided attention you have been giving #1. It is not humanly possible. Looking back, I realize that is actually a good thing. I smothered my first with unlimited time and attention to her detriment. My later children are much more easy going and well adjusted because they are more independent.

There are things you will have to give up. Your house may not stay quite as clean. You will have to take a real serious look at your time management skills and see what you can do differently. I still put all four of my kids to bed individually and have "mommy and me" time with each of them every day, but it requires a lot more planning and thought than it did with one kid. And you have to teach them to help each other and help themselves; you can't do everything for everybody. Again, I think this is actually a good thing.

Good luck with your decision,
S.

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Goodmorning K.,
You said "In my heart I would really like a scond child" I would follow your heart, the rest will work itself out. I'm a first time mom of twin girls who just turned 4 months. I didn't know how I would handle two babies at once and was very anxious. I won't lie it's hard but you just do what you have to do and the joy that follows is so worth it. Good luck with your decision.
Jen

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I think you answered your own question: "In my heart I would really like a second child".

I am struggling with this decision too, plus with a reluctant husband. But I am unable to say with such clarity what you said with that one simple statement.

I always believe in following your heart- that is what matters most. The practical things will get worked out as they come, just remember to lead with your heart AFTER baby comes too!

My mom friends who have two children say yes it gets harder when the baby is still a baby. From what I have seen one they get a little older, it isn't quite as bad- eventually you get to sleep again, and they have someone to play with. I have a sister, and while I thought she was pain in the butt a lot of the times, i can't imagine what my childhood would have been like without her. (We are 3 yrs apart in age). Plus now that we are grown and both moms to a toddler, we have grown closer.

All the "what ifs" and "I don't knows" will seem less huge after the fact. It's like when you are contemplating a job or career change- it seems overwhelming and maybe even scary when you are still just thinking about it, but once you do it, the reality comes in and the past fears can be dealt with in the present if they don't just disappear.

I hope I'm making some sense- I didn't get a lot of sleep myself last night- but all I am trying to say is follow your heart- you already know the answer.

HUGS!

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I was fine with my only child til she was about 3 and I realized the "only child syndrome" was sinking in. But being a single mom I didn't exactly want another for that reason. As my daughter has grown she's had alot of emotional problems at school and with her peers she can be a brat no matter what I do or try she has to be first, she has to be the boss etc. She's so attached to me it's not even funny and so used to being the center of attention and the "star" it's ridiculous. I finally have found a great guy and am expecting #2 in a few months. Something I never thought would happen. My children will be 7 years apart. A little more space than I'd like but I can't change that. My daughter will beable to help alot and it won't be like having two in diapers so I can't see it being all that hard. I will beable to do fun things with my daughter and beable to do baby things with the baby. The best of both worlds. I say go for #2 but if your worried about all the work involved space them out a bit farther. I love that I will have one child completely independant and helpful and only one who will count on me for everything. Even putting them in the car will be a sinch my daughter can buckle herself up and entertain the baby if he/she crys or something. If we go to the mall I only have one in a stroller stuff like that. I potty trained my daughter like 4.5 years ago so I'm not stressed out with it or sick of diapers. I haven't used diapers in years.

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I have two children, ages 5 & 3. I wasn't planning on having two quite so close together, but it's actually worked out very well. They are each other best play buddies, confidants, conversation partners, and, sometimes each other's worst enemies. Ethan (5) was still quite young when Erin (3) was born and there were certainly times when one child's needs overruled the other's. I thought that it would be quite overwhelming to have two under two, but we survived it. I, too, did not want to have an "only" child. In fact, Ethan was not talking very much when Erin was born (he was 22 months), but as Erin developed her language skills, it jumpstarted Ethan's. That was great! I think that you could certainly handle it and would reap such a fantastic benefit by knowing that you have two angels instead of just one.

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Well, I haven't read the other responses yet but I'm guessing everyone else is saying "Go for it, you won't regret it, your first born needs a sibling". And I agree to a point but I will say it is very tough having two kids and with your first born still being so little you might consider waiting a couple years. I understand about being 34 but you really don't have to be in a big hurry here.

My kids are 3 years apart and when my second was born I felt like putting my first born into foster care. I just wanted to enjoy my time with this new baby and I had this 3 year old on my hands who was being so exasperating as she made the transition to having a baby sibling. I was so tired all the time and didn't have a lot of support from friends or family. My husband is great but he was at work all day.

I have a friend whose kids are two years apart and she resented the baby when her second was born because she wanted more time with her 2 year old.

There's no perfect spacing and having a second child is SO worth it but I think you're right to question this. I would just recommend setting up some regular support from relatives or friends or whomever because it is hard and you'll probably want some time alone with each of the kids. (Not to mention your husband and time alone!)

Best Wishes!

J.

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I know you have gotten a lot of responses but I just thought that I would throw my 2 cents in here as I feel I have a unique perspective. I am an only child who is now the mother of 3 (4 months to 3 1/2 yrs). Growing up as an only child I never wanted siblings. I enjoyed all the attention and love that was all directed at me. However the older that I have gotten (I am 37 now) situations that I never thought about before have presented themselves and having siblings would have made it easier. About 10 years ago my mother died and it would have been nice to have someone share that grief. My father and I are currently going through some very difficult times and it would be nice to have someone to discuss it with who was going through it too. I have a large extended family but we are not close. My husband is the youngest of 8 but his family is in another state. When I started having children it never occured to me that I would only have 1. I always knew I wanted three. I won't lie, it's tough. Are there days (like today) when I am exhausted and overwhelmed? YEP! Are there days when I have lost my temper, yelled, and generally felt like I haven't done a good job that day? You bet! But I think that you feel that way whether you have 1 child or 10. And the good days far outweigh the bad. Like when my 3 1/2 yr old daughter says to me "I love our family". Or my 22 month old son takes a running start from across the room and jumps into my lap yelling "HUG" and puts his arms around me as tight as he can. Or when this rough and tumble boy lays his head, ever so gently, on his 4 month sister and says "hug". Even those times in the dead of night when you think you might collapse and you have that precious time with your newborn. Those are the things that get you through the sleeplessness and the craziness and also remembering that all of that is temporary. I have a motto that gets me through most days: "Embrace the chaos" and a good latte from Starbucks doesn't hurt either. :)

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I personally think two is easier than one, especially if they are close in age. My sons are 19 months apart and they have so much fun together. They have been entertaining each other since the youngest was about 3 months old. My older son doesn't need my attention as much anymore. Also, my second child was a much easier baby than my first. You will still be able to spend time with your daughter and you will give her the wonderful opportunity to have a relationship with a sibling, something I never had and always wanted.

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Hi there,
my daughter had GERD as well and was not adequately treated until age 1. It was a terrible first year. I got pregnant shortly before she turned two (kids are 2 years and 5 months apart) and I was terrified. And I knew, in the hospital, my newborn son had GERD too (although couldn't get the docs to see it until he was 5 days old and couldn't be laid flat at all even for a diaper change without projectile vomiting). I will admit it was tough. however - it was worth it. ANd while my son's GERD was physically much worse than my daughter's, we were so much more experienced and treated it better (tucker sling, etc) from the beginning that it was much more manageable. Honestly, I wouldn't change it if I were to do it over again. I love the fact that they are buddies and play together now and are not too far apart in age. It was a tough couple of years in terms of being tired - but like hte country song says, "you're gonna miss this". I don't regret it. Take a deep breath, go for what feels right, and accept the fact that perhaps the house will be a mess and perhaps the laundry will be backed up and perhaps you'll go too long inbetween haircuts to look your best - but it'll be totally worth it.
Good luck,
Jess (mom to a 5 year old and 3 year old)

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Your family is going to be stressed - change does that. But you will survive it and so will your family, and everyone will adjust. When you consider the length of infancy, babies are needy for a very short time. My children started to play together when my second baby was 9 months old. I discovered that in many ways my workload decreased because my oldest child was happy to have a playmate and both children were no longer so reliant on my husband and myself for entertainment. She learned how to play with other children, how to play by herself, and how to share everything all the time. My daughters are now 13, 11, and 9. I can honestly tell you that the addition of a child doesn't divide the love, it multiplies it.

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Hi,

I have 2 girls - both of them I had at home with a midwife. With the first, I was almost 39 years old and the second I was 40. They are 20 months apart. Here are my thoughts on having 2 close together.

Plus: The second baby seemed IMMENSELY easier. You have learned so much from the first that you don't realize. Plus, the first few months all they are doing is eating and sleeping. Also, I don't remember the lack of sleep seeming nearly as bad w/the 2nd as the 1st - again, you are an old pro at this now, realize it or not! (which may be a good reason to have another now - while it is still fresh in your memory)

Minus: Your first child can become very possessive of you and not want you to spend time with (i.e. feeding) the baby.

Plus: As they grow up, they are very close and play together.

Minus: Trying to go out with two kids is definitely harder than it was with one. You have to carry loads of stuff and it just seems to take longer. (it gets easier as they get older though)

My overall feeling though is that the pluses far outweigh the minuses. When I see my two little girls playing together, or my 3yo helping the baby do something, it warms my heart so much. I would never take away that joy of having another little person around for my 3yo...or my baby!

Grace and peace be with you!

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It's obvious to me that you really would regret not having another child. It is a LOT harder with two, but eventually everything is so much better with two! We have 2 girls-turning 3 and turning 1. It was hard at first: just being exhausted from being up with one baby while having to wake for the oldest, feeling like my oldest wasn't getting enough attention, etc. Now my girls are so close and Ic an't imagine it any other way...I am actually considering baby #3!!! Just remember every kid is different and not all of them will be colicky and keeping you up all night (most will keep you up at night)! Also, think about the nice maternity leave you will get and how much time you can spend with your babies! It is hard at first (really hard) but it is absolutely worth it! Good Luck!

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I completely understand what you mean. I was scared to. So we just went for it and it turned out wonderfully. My daughters are 2 and 5 mo. My oldest was not a good sleeper either so I was scared, but this baby is 100% different than my first, she sleeps 11 hours a night! Each child is SO different from another, it is amazing.

I also was scared about how I was going to feel about another child "cutting" into my time with my oldest. For the first month I had small issues with those feelings but once my baby started to not be such a 'newborn' and developed her own personality all the feelings went away. You will be amazed to how much love you can give. Just when you think you might not be able to share yourself any more, you do. And just when you think there is NO way I could handle any more chaos you have another baby and you do it unconsciously and everything works out.

Also, my oldest (Lucy) absolutely LOVES her baby sister (Clare). She talks about her all the time and makes sure I tend her when she cries and always tries to help with her. I just can't imagine what all of our lives would be like if I had been too scared to have another. I believe you have the strength, now you just have to believe too. :)

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K.,

Let me tell you a funny story. I am 43 years old and the mother of nine children, ranging in age from 21 to 6. Yesterday my third grandson was born. I am almost 11 weeks pregnant. I have no doubt in my mind that this child is supposed to come to our family. I received some good advice early on--you are never prepared for the next child until he comes. Which child "pushes your limits" depends on the woman. For some, number two is a struggle. For some, adding number three or number four seems like such a burden. I did great until number five. I felt overwhelmed with her for awhile, but once I established my routines (and had my thyroid checked!), everything was wonderful. You have really already answered your own question--your heart tells you that you would really like a second child. For me, two years apart is the best distance between children. Just my thoughts! Best wishes, T..

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K. -

The transition from one child to two is difficult, but should not be the one factor to deter you from having a second child. If you and your husband want another one, go for it. You will have enough love and time and patience to care for them both. It is amazing how God gives us what we need in our daily lives!

Even though your first was colic, it doesn't mean the next one will be as well. And even if he/she is -- what a small price to pay for a few months for an entire lifetime of rewards, happiness, and joy that your child will bring you. We have four of our own, so I know the challenges of having multiple kids in the home and feeling like you may not be able to give to another what you have given to your first. Trust me, you can!! Good luck with your decision.

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Think of it from her view. Not right now, but later. First she will always want you to play with her and be very demanding of your time, because she has no one else to play with. Then as she gets older it will be nice of her to have a sibling to crab about you to. Or at least have someone else in life who have had the same experiences they will always have that connections. Then even later in life when "God forbid" you and your husband die she will have someone else in her life that is Family.

I remember when I had my first I contemplated stopping. I loved focusing on him and I loved him so much I didn't think there was anyway I could have enough love for anybody else. Sure things change but not the love for your first and you have just as much love for the 2nd.

It's tough for a while and routines change, but you find a way that works and new routines start. You may have another baby with colic and GERD, but it doesn't last forever.

My husband and I only made the decision for the first baby and God made the decision for the other 2. In a way it's easier that way.

Good Luck

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I completely understand your view on things. I am a mother of two currently with another one on the way this July. I thought the same thing when my son was younger and now I sometimes regret the age difference between my two (they are 5 years 9 days apart). Having two is not as difficult in my opinion because you already have the experience of having a child. Things are different with the second child. I am very glad that we are having another one and my daughter is only 18 months old right now. Also, each child is different. You may have had some problems with the colic with your first but in my experiences, most of the time, you don't have that same problem with the second. Hope this helps....

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Dear K.,

I think having a 10month old in your life right now is reason enough not to be too excited by the thought of another one. Personally, I needed at least a two year buffer between my children. The independence of one was necessary for me to gear up for the incessant needs of the other. Plus I just needed sound sleep for a little while (perhaps to lull me into thinking I could do it all over again.) I wouldn't freak yourself out about "pulling the trigger." Give yourself some more time. Even at the age of 34, if you give yourself another year, you may find your feelings about having another have changed significantly, and you can go into it with a better frame of mind, which will be your most effective tool for dealing with all that goes with having two. I love my two, but I'm so glad that I didn't have them back to back.

R.

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If you think too hard about the logistics of caring for even just one child, nobody would ever have them! If you know in your heart that your family would not be complete without at least one more child, then that is your answer. :)

It is more work to add another child to the mix, but they are only small and needy for a small portion of their lives. You also can't guarantee what kind of baby you'll get the second time around - sure, you could get another colicky, refluxy, insomniac but you could also end up with a mellow, content, sleeps-through-the-night-right-away model.

Every mom of more than one child feels guilt about taking time away from their firstborn. However, you don't love your first child any less just because you have another child. The love you have just keeps growing. I love watching my oldest interact with her baby brother and can't imagine NOT having him in our lives.

Having more than one child is a bit of a juggling act for me. Every-day activities (meals, bathtime, bedtime, etc.) are more challenging and getting out the door takes a lot more planning for us. However, as both of my children get older (and the weather gets warmer) I am finding myself getting into a better groove.

Good luck with your decision. I've often heard the phrase "You only regret the children that you don't have." when it comes to deciding whether or not to have another. As my daughter started to get a little older and I was a little farther away from the baby stage, having another didn't seem so crazy.

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I was so afraid of that, and even terrified of loving one of them more than the other one. And after just gettin gover the sleepless nights and constant crying. Throwing a newborn and a barley toddler together did not sound like fun to me. I was totally scared to death. But if I was going to have kids, i wanted them to be closer together in age. Well sure enough, while i was still 'deciding' I eneded up pregnant. My first was only 15 months old when I had my second daughter. And to be totally honest. Things were a breeze. You dont quite stress over EVERYTHING like you did when you were a firstime mother. You can sleep better -because you know if you let then cry for 10 minutes they wont die- the first one didn't. Your whole perspective does a complete 180. You love them both equally. You adjust to having 2 children faster than you adjusted to having only 1. And I guess you just never even second guess it. The only thing I will prepare you for now is that the toddler will be the "biggest helper in the world" -or not- But you cant help that either and you get used to that fast as well. Because you know they are trying to help so much and they have good intentions, and thats where you take the time one-on-one with them type attention and teach them that stuff. And the only thing I will totally stress which I know is hard for some people but to me still makes my life wonderful, is you NEED to have them on a schedule and stay on that schedule. And for me being a SAHM, it really was a lot easier. My kids go to bed everynight at 8:00pm, they know that. They go in they're beds and if they dont want to sleep they can sing. but in their rooms tucked in at 8pm. Up by 9am, breakfast by 10a. the little one takes a nap around 12pm the big one around 2pm. lunch around 1pm. another nap for the little one around 4pm. supper at 6pm. The biggest thing though is the bedtime and naps. With this type of a schedule, both of my girls were sleeping through the night by 2 months, the 2nd one sooner (plus I know that at 8pm everynight if we want to have company or I have to run to the store quick, that leaves me a few hours before my bedtime to do anything I want -as long as the hubby stays home of course-). They just need a routine. and once you have one set i honestly feel if i had 10 kids nothing would be different.

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My husband and I were in a similiar situation not too long ago. We had our son and my husband didn't really want anymore children after that. His biggest arguement was he thought it would be great for Sebi to get all of the attention in the household. I am an only child and really wanted a sibling for my sweet little boy. Eventually we decided to try to have another baby and 21 months after our first we had another baby boy. It was definately rough. Our first child is a terrible sleeper and even now @ 2 1/2 he doesn't sleep through the night- and doesn't go down willingly. There was also the jealousy factor of bringing home the new baby. We "weathered the storm" and couldn't be happier with our decision. We "lucked out" with Ben as he so opposite of his brother in sleeping. He is such a content and happy baby. He LIKES to sleep in his crib. It was a lot of work in the beginning- new routines, sleepless nights, etc but it is the most rewarding feeling to see how the boys interact. Sebi is 2 1/2 and Ben is 9 months and they laugh with each other and are starting to play. Ben adores his big brother and has nothing but smiles for him. He even is imitating sounds like his brother - unfortunately Sebi is in to monster and tiger noises at the moment!

Whatever decision you make it will be the right one for you and your famiy. I know it can be hard if people are pressuring you from the outside. Just keep in mind that every child is different and as they grow it gets easier. Good luck with your decision!

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My first was born with serious medical problems. He had 4 surgeries the first year of his life. I got pregnant with my second when he was 9 months old. Everybody thought we were nuts. But I was 36 and my husband was 40. We couldn't afford to wait. We ended up having a healthy girl and can't imagine life without her! New babies sleep a lot in the beginning so my son still got a lot of attention. I think him being so young when she was born made things easier because it didn't take long before he couldn't remember life before her. My son is now 3 and my daughter is almost 2. They have a lot of fun together. I can't imagine not giving him the chance to experience a sibling. And, in my experience, having two is not three times harder than having one. Go with your heart!

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Just do it. I am almost 40 and had my twins at 36 and a baby at 39. My life is so much better than it was 10 year ago..they keep me young! Good luck! PS Changing diapers at 40 is way better than doing it at 19 years old...for me at least.

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I have three. My youngest is the same age as yours. A baby is a lot of work. Period. So when you have a second, it will be tough for a while. You're still in the tough stage with your baby. From age 2-3 it gets a LOT easier.
Three was the right number for us, but while I'm loving the baby, I take comfort in knowing next year will be a lot easier. I love the sibling interaction, though some days, when the bickering won't stop, it makes me want to pull my hair out.
My friends with only children all have wonderful, sweet children. I think it's because they can focus on their one child. So there are advantages and disadvantages to that too.

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#1, You will NEVER regret having another baby. It's hard work. Harder for some than others, but, always worth the struggle. I came from a family of 5. I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters, and extended family... My husband didnt want to have #2, but I pushed:), and were both happy we did. Things happen, and that oppertunity may not always be there, so I'll pray for the right decision for you! God bless!!!

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I am so sympathetic to you! I have a wonderful little girl who will be 3 on the 18th of this month. I kind of knew I wanted to have another and since I am going to be 36 later this year, I knew I didn't have lots of time to decide yea or nay. You are SO NOT a bad mother for not wanting a baby to interfere with your time with your little one. As it happens, I am pregnant now with our 2nd, due in late July. But I STILL have some of those feelings about my time with my daughter and how the baby will affect that. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for the baby, but #2 is VERY different pregnancy than #1. I don't mean symptom-wise, just the place in the order of things. Not as consuming, and lots of wondering how this new little one will fit in with our family. My first-born was VERY high maintenance, and is still to this day. So I'm crossing my fingers for an easy-going baby this time. Good luck with your tough decisions... you are not alone.

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Children are a blessing from the Lord. Happy is the man whose quiver is full. - Those words come from someone greater than we! There is nothing in this world that can compare to the joy and work of children. I am convinced that they were created to force us out of our selfishness, to reach a greater plane of existence. Nothing good comes without pain and toil. Lost sleep is a hard thing, but it's harder to be aged, and have no children to visit or care for you. No amount of money, time or sleep can substitute for the joy of having a little one, and later a big one, call you "Mom" and give you a hug. My husband and I decided 17 years ago that three was enough, settled the matter, then realized what a poor decision we had made. Subsequently, we adopted three more, and are finishing up a fourth adoption right now. I am 49 and my youngest is 17 mos, but I wouldn't trade this life for anything! Aside from the difficulties only children face, the workload of more children actually goes down from three, on. As they get older and take on responsibility for household chores and their younger siblings, helping care for and play with the little ones, life gets easier and easier. Now, my children do most of the housework, and I actually have more time to spend with my youngest ones than I did when I only had two. Don't miss you chance to have "a full quiver." You won't regret it!

SAHM of seven, 23 yrs - 17 mos, five of them are still at home

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I am a mother of 2 with a 3rd on the way and let me tell you that baby number 2 is MUCH easier than the first. Everything just seems so much easier. My children are now 5 and 2 so they are more spaced apart than yours might be and yes, at this age they do fight and I want to pull my hair out sometimes but when they are cuddling together watching a movie or something it's a great feeling knowing that they have someone that they can count on for life. I understand your feelings of not wanting a baby to interfere with your special time with your child you have know, I had those feelings too, but as my first child got older there came a time where I didn't feel so stongly about that because she was becoming more independent and it was then that I knew I was ready for another child. Maybe you just need to wait a little longer.

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Just a few thoughts from an "older" mom. It may be true that the first year of a childs life can be rough on parents, especially when there are health issues. But look at your life in the long run. Now that my kids are 11 and 7 they are an absolute joy. Watching my son learn to speak spanish and play sports. Seeing my daughter write stories and put on dance shows. In my case, I wish I could have had more kids, but that was not in the cards for me. I know that everyone has different ideas on how many children make a perfect family, but don't cut yourself short because of fear of what the first year may bring. That year will fly by terribly fast, and then you will have many, many years to enjoy. Good luck to you!

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Dear K.,

It is a rough decision and you can count on that for maybe the first two years after your second is born, things will be hard, but after that you will probably be very thankful that you decided to go ahead and have that baby, especially since you seem to have a true, strong desire.

If you can tell yourself that the worst of it (as far as sleep deprivation and diapers, anyway) will be over in two years, then maybe you should go ahead and try to have that baby, especially since you say you'll likely regret someday that you didn't have a second.

My first-born had a lot of health problems, too (Hirschsprung disease), so much that adding a second child to the family was LESS difficult than it had been with him by himself during the first 14 months of his life. If things have been that rough with your daughter, maybe you'll feel the same way.

As far as not wanting to give up time with your daughter, that is hard, but you find ways to include the baby so your still get to give both the attention they need. I learned that they didn't really need me as much as I thought to be happy, and actually our whole family is happier now that I am not so obsessed with the children as I was.

We've gone on to add a third child as of this December and the first two months were really hard, but now things are getting great and I can't imagine life without my three children. And NONE of my children are fully potty-trained, either, btw. I have to admit that I hate being up to my elbows in poo all day, but yet... I wouldn't change my life for anything.

Good luck in making the best decision for your family! I know it is a hard one!!

~A.

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K. you really need to follow your heart. I don't think you will ever regret having a second child and it sounds like that is what you really want. Your feelings now are very valid and it is hard to think about changing your life when you have just changed it 10 months ago! I had heard that having a second child was really hard but I found that our second son fit right in to our life - however I must say that our oldest was 3 and Halvard was a really, really good baby. He slept all the time. But there is no reason to think that your second baby will have the same difficulties as your first... and if they happened to you've been through it before so you know what to expect. I was so much more relaxed with my second son - I had experience so I every new problem didn't freak me out. I would say though why not wait a little longer. If you waited another six months your daughter would be 2 when the new baby arrived. We just had our third, a daughter, and our middle son is 2. It is a little harder then the first time around because he is younger but at least he can talk more now and has started to communicate with us in ways other than crying.

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Seriously ... no rush! Wether you have one now or in two years your increased risk is minimal and questionable. Enjoy your daughter and realize the angel stage won't last forever! Getting pregnant now would mean they would be less than 2 years apart. That is a tough one. Speaking from experience... I have three, and the first two are less than 2 years apart. My third came three years after the second and it was a whole different ball game. I was able to enjoy the baby stage without feeling like I was missing out or neglecting the other children. getting to that stage of talking and toilet training before a second arrives makes your life and your child's that much easier. Although if you feel the STRONG desire to have one now or soon.... go with your gut. It just sounded like you were wavering. Two really isn't all that different than what you are already doing, plus it is such a great and wonderful thing for kids to have siblings if it is possible.

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I had a lot of those same thoughts about not wanting to "share" my firstborn when we were contemplating #2. We actually got pregnant,and then I miscarried--I really think it might have been God's way of saying "You're not ready yet!" because when we got pregnant again, I felt totally differently about it--I was really excited for my firstborn to be a big brother (and he's a great one). Anyway, that doesn't help with your decision, but it was my experience!

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It is of course harder at first, because you have two little ones. But my oh my is it wonderful to have a "built in" playmate! Once my youngest was about 1 1/2, my kids all of the sudden started playing really well together. Also, by that stage, the older one is (usually) potty trained so you only have one in diapers. Everyone sleeps through the night and is much more mobile. My kids are 27 months apart and would be sooooo bored without each other. They fight, of course, but they also play for hours together. They play outside together, they entertain each other in the car - they are just good buddies. Even though one is a boy and the other is a girl! I say, go for it. Even though you can't fathom it now, there is always enough love to go around. And imagine your family 10, 20 years down the line. How do you wish it to look?
If it is of any help, your odds of having two with colic are pretty low.... God knows we can't take that! I have lots of friends who had one child with colic and the other was an angel. Good luck!

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K.- I also had my first baby at 34. I had the exact same feelings as you are having at this moment. We chose to have #2 when my daughter was 14 months old. I am so happy we had our son. For some reason, #2 was a breeze....I am so so so in love with my kids I can't stand it. My daughter, who is now 3, loves her little brother (he is 17 months now). I could sit for hour and watch how they play together, how she teaches him new things and love the laughter I hear when the two of them are together. I will be 38 this year and am seriously considering #3, wuick- before its too late. Follow your heart but don't be afraid of the craziness and loss of sleep- it's just a blip in time really, and before you know it they will be all grown up...M.

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Well you learn to adjust. I am a single mom to a 10 year old boy who just recently adoptesed my granddaughter. I have had to make some adjustments in our family. However it was worth it. Babies are only babies for a short time when you compare it to goining from school aged to adults. My oldest is 23 then my next is 10. That was a big change. I never regretted it- my son has been a trooper in helping out with my granddaughter. He loves her like his owns sister. I think what ever you choose to do will work - good luck. Ps you have your husband to help. That is a big plus. Please note, more women are having children later in life per new studies.

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You need to follow your heart.

Two of my sisters had their children later in life.

They both had hard labors. My twin (started at age 39)had to have both C-sections. My younger sister had her baby at 35 and she almost lost her life. Her blood pressure was so high. She was on bed rest for most of her pregnancy.

My twin felt like you and wanted one more so because she wanted a little girl too. She now has a boy age 5 and a girl age 3.

My younger sister wanted another but chose not to because of the threat to her health. She has a daughter age 6.

Both are loving their lives and having fun!

This is my point. What matters is are you happy? God will never give you anything you can't handle.

This has to be something that you are totally comfortable with.

J.

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K....it sounds to me like you're mind and heart is already made up...you just want that extra little push to have the doubt disappear.

My husband and I always knew we wanted at least two so it was a no brainer when I got pregnant with our second. But I do remember being 8 months pregnant and looking at my husband and saying, "maybe we shouldn't have done this...maybe we're good with just one." Of course it was too late, and I'm glad it was! My first, our son, was a really difficult baby only sleeping for 45 minutes at a time and not latching on correctly so he'd start his 45 min. of sleep and I'd start pumping his next bottle. I'd only get 25 minutes of sleep at a time...I was a POW!

But our second, our daughter, was a breeze as a baby...perfect sleeper, perfect nurser, etc. She's very spirited now, and certainly is a trouble starter, but seeing the two of them together is my most favorite thing in the world. Listening to my son explain things to his little sister just melts my heart. And at times I'll say, "sweetie, what did you say?" And he says, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Martha." :)

We did recently contemplate a third baby and decided to go for it because like everyone else has said, it's only a temporary time...they grow up so fast. And I felt like I'd never look back and say, "you know, we never should have had so-and-so" but I knew we'd regret not having another child. It almost feels as though someone is missing.

I wish you the best! Just reflect on what your heart wants and talk to your husband about it. You're getting some great thoughts here from other mothers...what a blessing!

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K.,

I say go for it. The chances are having two babies with colic are not likely for starters. Secondly, it could take several months to a year before you would conceive again. Don't think about the age your daughter is now, but rather, what age she would be when the baby is born. She will be nearly two if you were to conceive in the next few months. I can understand about the age thing. I had already had three children by the age of 28. My hubby and I decided that if I didn't have another one by the age of 35, then we would not have any more. So at 33, we had our 4th and final (his 2nd, my 4th). Had I only had one child at my age, I would defintely want another one. No doubt in my mind.

It really sounds like you want one, and not just flirting with the idea. And it really isn't that much harder to take care of more than one child. You do the same things, just differently. You will certainly find the time to spend with your daughter you have now, and you would be amazed at the things you can do with a newborn "attached" to the hip. With our 4yo, I often get him ready for bed (and read a book) while holding our little one. I just include him (newborn) in my "spending time". We (4yo and I) still find one on one time, and he demands it at times, but there is still a balance that just came naturally.

I truly encourage you to have another if you are leaning that way. I would also pray about it too, and the answer may just come to you. I doubt you would regret your decision for another. You sound like a great mom, and hubby seems supportive too. And as far as the sleep thing goes, it doesn't last forever...you should know that :-)

B.

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Hi K.,
I don't know if I can or should influence you...because I totally get all your reasons for being confused about this issue. I just want you to know that with each passing month and year, it just gets easier and easier. I have a 3 year old and another on the way. I'll be that 40-year-old changing diapers that you mention. I'm 39 now and due in July. I am one of those that wasn't lucky enough to get pregnant naturally. We went through over a year of doctoring for each of our pregnancies. Anyway...that's not the point.

My opinion on the subject is this: The tiredness of those early baby/early toddler years is REALLY tough...no doubt about it. I worry about it even though I'm very enthusiastically pregnant with my 2nd. However, it is temporary. I know in my heart that even at 40+ I can make it through those sleepless nights again because, number one, it is SO worth it. And two, because I yearn to give my precious daughter a sibling...not just someone she can play with in youth, but a built-in best friend she will have for life. I want her to have someone to share her life with, grow up and old with, have someone there for her when her dad and I pass away (I know, morbid thinking there)....the thought of her going through so much alone was more than enough for me to decide to have another. Plus, she has a cousin who is an only child, and I just see how much she YEARNS for a brother or sister. I know plenty of only children will say they loved their situation. But I know of many who wished they'd had siblings. But I've never heard anyone say, "I wish I was an only child."

I would love to have even more, but my age, difficulties getting pregnant and the expense of it all will keep us to only 2.

So...there's my perspective on the situation.

Good luck on your decision...it's a big one, for sure! Just have to do what feels right for your family.

J.

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You are not selfish! You are exhausted! Shelf the decision right now. You really have a couple of years to decide. Either way is ok. The first year of motherhood is the toughest! Many children are 'only children' and are just fine. You should not feel guilty either way.

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The decision is truley between your husband and you.....

I have 3 children and yes at times I wonder...why I got myself into this until I look into my kids eyes and see how much they adore and love me...

My kids are spaced apart, but not by choice. They are 10, 4 and 5 months. I had my daughter already when I met my husband and than we had a child together. I than had a girl and boy... Most people would love to just have a boy and girl. Well I wanted to have a 2nd child with my husband (I was hoping for a girl & got lucky and had a girl). My whole pregnancy I was so excite to have a baby again...until the pregnany neared the end. Than I kept thinking to myself..why am I getting into this again. I was past the diapers and all that lovely stuff and really wasn't looking forward to that again. It was nice to sleep in and not have to get up in the middle of the night. My kids could be off playing and I would get quiet time...

Once I had my daughter it eased up a bit. Not getting sleep was really hard at first, but after awhile I got use to it. During the first month I still would think about why I had another child. Now my daughter is 5 months old and I don't know what I would do without her. My husband even says "It seems like she has been here forever and I couldn't imagine life without her."

Yes having 2 kids is harder than 1 and having 3 is even harder than 2. However the hardest part is just being able to give each child the attention they need. At first things will be hard, but like I said before, after awhile it just comes natural and you can't picture your life any other way!!!!!

ps: my oldest sister had her 2nd child when she was 35yrs old and everything was fine... A friend of mine is 34yrs old and just had her 2nd child last year and is trying for #3 now...

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Having the second one is a challenge at times, but oh so worth it. Your daughter is still little, and it will get easier. Do you have brothers or sisters? Could you imagine your life without them? My mom is an only child and always wished she had a sibling, especially when she needed to cope with the loss of her parents. If you have family that lives nearby, ask them for help with your second. I would follow your heart. Just think, in years to come they can entertain each other and that will give you more time to do thing you need to do. Good luck with your decision!!! It isn't an easy one.

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So many responses! I had to weigh in too :)

I have two boys that are 20 months apart. I love the space between them. I am now expecting #3 in November, he and my youngest will be 23 months apart. I have all ready been thinking "What have I done" but know that it will be amazing to have 3. There are always going to be reasons not to have another, but think about how you want your family to be. I grew up with two brothers, my brother is one of 4, we knew we would have at least 3 and my husband still talks about having a 4th! We'll see what happens. I too am 35 (will be 36 when this baby comes).

Some of the things about having 2 vs. 1:

Two kids make each other laugh EVERYDAY... therefore you laugh more.
Two kids entertain each other EVERYDAY... therefore you have some more time to get things done. Especially as they get older.
Two kids can learn from each other how to share and be friends.
Two kids love each other.
Bedtime with two kids is not much different than bedtime with one... especially if you have a wonderful hubby :)

Good luck to you on your decision.

J.
SAHM to Joey (12-4-06) Charlie (3-24-05) and #3 due in Nov.

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Let me give it to you from a primary and secondary infertility stand point. It took us 4 years from going off pill (wonder if we needed it in the first place) to fertility pills/shots and 2 IUI's to the birth to have our beautiful daughter.

We have talked extensively if we should have another or not. Neither of us want to see our Heidi not have a sibling, but the cost of doing it all over again is overwhelming. Then I see how other siblings play and learn to share (mine has issues with this now being nearly 3.5 and the only child). However, we don't want her to have to deal being the only child when we are older and deciding what happens to us if needed all by herself. I don't want her kids to have any cousins to play with. I don't want her to be alone (and no sibs to speak to) when 1 of us or both of us has passed....lonely funeral for an only child.

Now on the other side, I was 28 when I had her. She has had lots of toys and bunches of 1-on-1 with mom and dad. I am also a stay-at-home mommy and very involved with one of the local MOPS groups.

I don't want to sway you either way, just want you to know how we feel about it from a bit of a different perspective.

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Hello K.-I don't have advice about which decision to make, just our story to tell you... We had our 2nd a year ago and I was scared because I didn't want any less time or love for the child we already had-our precious daughter-who also had colic and reflux as well. Back then when she was a baby, it was easy to say we were done-just one child. Then 5 years later, it all changed and we wanted another. The 2nd was a much easier baby but yes it's still hard to take care of them no matter what. But it makes a parent better able to handle anything that comes when they've been through a challenge already. Plus, It was easier for us with 2 because the older was more self-sufficient. We wouldn't have done it any other way. Good luck!

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HI K...I am a mother of 3. I had my first at 22 yrs, and he was EXTREMELY colicky...they tested him for reflux, etc. Turns out he has food allergies. Anyways, when my second was born, I was amazed at how easy it was. He didn't have colic, and I'm so glad I got to experience the "easy" baby as well as the more challenging. Our third didn't have colic, either. So, your second baby may prove to be a LOT less challenging than the first. The one thing that is more challenging is trying to meet the needs of two. I got used to meeting the needs of just one child, and then I had two children (they are very close in age--16 mos. apart) who I had to tend to every second of the day. It is definitely more chaotic than having one, but you love both equally as much. Now, they are very, very close (they are 3 and 4). They do EVERYthing together. It's hard to imagine that you can love and make time for a second child the way you love and make time for the first, but you just do. I try to make alone time for each of my kids so they know that they're special. And the sleep thing....my last baby (#3) sleeps through the night. He has since 6 weeks old. They just keep getting easier..or maybe I'm just becoming better at this mommy stuff since having more experience :) Good luck with whatever you decide.

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Clearly I don't know you and would never try to tell you what to do, but thought I would let you know what happened with us. I have two children and it certainly was an adjustment, but we quickly figured things out and it was so hard to imagine just having our daughter. Our children are three years apart and my daughter is strong willed and had allergies that added to her fussiness. I too was nervous, but baby #2 came and he was so different! He was so good and easy. When I was pregnant it was so hard to imagine loving someone else when you feel like the first one already has your heart, but when I held him for the first time there was instantly more love. It was more work to begin with, but now they entertain each other. I love not having to be constant entertainment. I hope that helps out.

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If in your heart you feel that you would like to have another child i would say do have one. from experience i know that having an only child is difficult as the years go by for the parents and for the child. my child had trouble with making friends and spending time with others as she got older and i found that as an only child she receive more "things" that she may not have needed and developed a thats mine thing. when she got old enough to be on her own she had a harder time knowing that she could do it by herself.

she also had a baby at the age of 18 and was not prepared for the rivelry of grandchild vs daughter she did not have any other child until he 11 years old she now has three little boys that enjoy each other and have learned the fun of playing, sharing, having disagreements and the special love of siblings.

i have two sisters who had "only children" and they (boys) are pretty much the same as my daughter. one of the boys did have a brother and sister when he was around 8 and he pretty much still acts the same as when he was the only child.

i think that if you feel you would want another baby it would be a good thing for both you and your little one. i do not feel that it would not be that much harder to have two. I sure wish i had had two.

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I have a ten year old daughter. She was my only child for seven years, then I had a baby boy. It was a difficult adjustment for her. I think the seven year age difference is not ideal.
Siblings are a wonderful thing to have because it's the longest relationship most people will have. My boy is three and a half now and I have a 10-month old boy too. That age difference of about 2 years and 8 months seems perfect to me. My three year old rarely exhibits jealousy and he has been wonderful with baby from the start. I think (hope) they will be good buddies for the rest of their lives.
On the other hand, when I was the mother of an only child, it was a really neat experience too. My daughter and I did so much together and I was able to devote a lot more time to helping her developmentally and educationally and doing fun stuff.
She has dealt really well with having the baby come into our lives, but she and the three year old still have many rivalry issues.
I guess you just need to weigh all the factors and decide what you think is most important to you.

I grew up as an only child. My mom finally did have more children, but not until I was 17, so they are more like nieces and nephews than siblings. I feel like I have missed out on by not having a close-in-age sibling to go through life with.

Having two children close in age will be a lot of work for a couple years, but things will slowly get better. And personally, the joys outweigh the inconvenience and the hard work.

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From an only child perspective:
Being an only child until 18 or so was great. I only had to share the bathroom with my mom (big deal - ya right), and was able to go to a good college since my folks only had to put one through school.

HOWEVER, I am not crazy about it now as I am the only one who will experience the loss of my parents (God forbid it happens soon), I am the only one who can care for the living parent with no support (a spouse is not going through the same emotions) , I am the only one who will have to deal with arrangements, cleaning...... The list goes on. Some one else asked me for my opinion about having another child - I encourage it as a gift to your oldest child. Okay, sorry to be on a soap box.

Here is another thought - we had #2 when #1 was just a few days from being 2 years old. I was not crazy about getting up at night and all that stuff. Now that #2 is 2 years old, that stuff seems a distant thing for me. The joy I experience as I watch the children play and laugh together is amazing. I would never want differently!

Good luck!

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Good Morning K.,
First off I am an only child and I personally wish that on no child. I have one other friend that is an only child and she feels the same way. Looking at all of our friends that have siblings we sit back and see what we missed out on growing up. We are very close so we talk about this all the time, we also talk to our friends about how we feel as well. I am expecting my 2nd in July...2 weeks before my 1st daughter turns 3. I know what you are feeling about not wanting another child to intrude on your time with your 1st child, I personally am scared to death! My daughter was VERY colic for about her 1st year...I thought I was going to lose it and go insane, and now adding a 2nd one....OH MY GOD!!! Just remember that it is just a phase and it will get better. If you look back at the issues you had with your daughter think that it can not get any worse, you know how to deal with the colic and sleepless nights. It does get better! Don't let you daughter go through life with out having the bond that comes with having siblings, its not fun!

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This is, obviously, a very personal and individual decision. And if you truly doubt your ability to handle another child, the answer is fairly simple. But, as the mother of six great kids, I'd say that if a part of you thinks you'd like to have another - you should! Your child is still pretty young at only 10 months and maybe it would be easier to wait just a little while. Having 2-3 years between makes it a little easier, I think, as your older child can become your "little helper." My oldest two are only 1 1/2 years apart...the rest are 2-3 years apart. Sleep deprivation can do awful things to our frame of mind, but hang in there -- it gets better! And just because your first had colic and didn't sleep much doesn't mean that your second baby will. I have six and they are all as different from eachother as kids can be!
Your other concern was that a baby might "intrude" on the closeness you share with the child you have now. I think that's a very normal feeling and one that many of us have had. However, I have to tell you that there is also NOTHING more beautiful than watching two (or more!) of your children bonding and playing together and loving eachother. It is probably the thing that gives me the most joy, the most pride and the most reassurance - because I know that even when I am gone, they will still have eachother.
There are times when my kids have likely wished they were an only child, as only children probably get more one-on-one time with mom and dad and get more "things", etc. But when it comes down to it, I KNOW that none of them would trade places with any of their only-child friends.
Good luck with your decision - you will know in your heart if and when the time for another little blessing is right!

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Hi K.,
I'm in the same boat. I have a daughter who just turned 2. I'd like another, I think, but at the same time I feel every feeling you are feeling. My Sophie is the most well behaved, well mannered, easy going kid. I fear I also will regret only having one. My husband isn't up for having another because as it is now, we travel a lot. He fears that we'll loose that ability to get up and go on fun vacations whenever we want should we decide to have another. I don't have the advice that you might be looking for but I do think it's important you know that you're not alone. I'm going to be following this closely because the insight of others won't only help you it'll help a lot of moms out there going through the same uneasy, unsure, life changing decision process of having another child.

Thanks for asking for the advice!
K.

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K. I have a 15 month old and a now 3 week old. I was wanting a baby some days and then other days didn't want one but when we decided to start trying to conceive, I have PCOS so I thought it would take awhile it took us 18 months to conceive our first, we figured by the time we got preggo again we would be totally ready. We started trying when my Alaythia was 6 months and got preggo that first month! I was scared because I didn't know if everything was gonna be the same as it was the first time! Like your little one Alaythia had horrible colic would only sleep in a swing or in the carseat in the car. And was sick constantly and in and out of the E.R. and just after her 1st bday she had a bronchoscopy.

Now I have my both my girls! I am not going to lie it is stressful but Oh so worth it! I don't get to spend as much time with Alaythia as I had before but it makes the time we do spend playing together more cherishable! Alaythia absolutely adores Anteya and wants to hug, kiss, hold, and touch her all the time! We are also going through some of those sleepless nights but seeing both girls together make it oh so worth it! You just have to remember those sleepless nights and things will pass and you will see that baby smile and coo at you and all the negative will melt away!

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I'm sure a lot of moms can relate to what you are saying. It is difficult to have two vs. one to take care of. But one of the things that helped me decide is that you will NEVER regret having another child, but you may regret NOT having another. It sounds like you know you want to have another child, it's just a matter of when would be a good time. Well, no time is GREAT, for various reasons (either #1 is too young to understand, or old enough to understand and gets jealous, etc.) All you can do is talk with you husband and see how he feels, and just go for it! Make time each day to spend with your daughter. If bedtime is your special time with her, make that yours, and your husband can spend time with the baby. It sounds difficult, but it can be done. Just think how many single children would be out there if it wasn't possible!

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I don't think that you can quantify how much busier a second child will make you. A lot of it depends on spacing, the child's temperment, etc. Though, one thing to remember is that the older child can help out with the second. Yes, it does require more organization, but also the older child will be able to do some things for herself.
My boys are 14 months apart and while having two in diapers was challenging, it does mean that they do a lot of the same things together. They liked the same toys, same kids' shows, activities, etc.

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Well I am not sure that I will say anything that hasn't already been said, but I would say go for it. It will knock you for a loop for awhile, but it'll be worth it. Besides maybe things seemed so hard the first time because it was your FIRST time. Now that you know what to do when a baby runs a fever or has a stuffy nose...you wont be so overwhelmed and that confidence will help carry you. I have a set a twins and watching them play together and learn from eachother is the biggest joy of my life. I can't imagine them not having eachother. They always say they are eachother's bestfriends. Now, of course a new baby will take some of her attention but having to deal with that will only make her a better person in the long run, really. I mean, we all need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around us. The joy a sibiling brings will outweigh the loss of attention to her. Good luck, it's a hard choice.

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I am a 43 year old mom of four great kids. My first three came along during the first four years of our marriage and the last one after I finished treatment for cancer.
Right now, one is very overwhelming and my first one was too. But with my second child I had a playmate for my oldest and it was a little easier because I knew what to expect. Also, my second child had so many health issues that when I pregnant with our third I was grateful. Having a healthy (and a very happy and comical) third child helped get us beyond our other child's health issues.
If you want a second child, go for it. Children are challenging, rewarding and ultimately your way of giving back to society in thousands of tiny different ways. You are probably more capable and stronger than you realize.

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I am a 36 yr old mom who just recently had #1 after my water starting leaking out and spent one month in the hospital waiting to have my precious little girl. I would never change my mind about pregnancy even after what happened and I want #2 but have to wait until my little one is 1 because of all the trauma that I endured. If you really want another one bite the bullet and do it. I am not trying to scare you but I would love to have another and I will be close to 38 when we can try again. Please don't wait to have another if you really want one. You will be able to handle getting 2 children and yourself ready if you really want another child. You say you have a good husband so between the 2 of you-you will be fine. God only gives you what you can handle and if another child is what you want he will help you get through it. You say your first one had colic but that is not to say your next one will. Every pregnancy and baby is different. Dont wait until you feel its too late to have another one and not get to have one.

L.

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My kids are 22 months apart and it's the perfect distance for us. We're like you...always late and have a hard time getting out the door. We both work outside of the house in demanding jobs. My oldest had colic pretty bad, but is a delight now at 2 1/2. My second didn't have colic, but decided not to sleep through the night from 3-6 months. All is well now. The youngest is just crawling and loves getting into his brothers things and right now they're great buddies. I wouldn't do it any other way. I will wait a while to decide about having a 3rd, but I like where we're at right now.

Good luck!

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hi K. I just had my second baby in october and it has gone easier than I thought it would alot of people told me horror stories about having two. Don't listen do what you think is right for your situation. Believe it or not a schedule is the key to things running smoothly. On the other hand my son is three and he adores his sister age matters to it sounds like you know what you want and don't want to hurt anyones feelings.Good luck hon and let me know what you decide having a support system is huge. C.

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Dear K.,

What would happen if you accidently got pregnant? I am sure you would keep the baby and make the best of it, I have four children and they are stairsteps, although they are grown and have children of their own all of them say that they are so thankful that they are not only children, they have each other to be freinds with. My third daughter was feeling the same as you, deciding if they should have a second and they decided to, they have two boys now and sure it was alittle tough at first but now she is so happy that her first son has a brother to grow up with, you are very blessed to have a wonderful husband who will be a big help if you should decide to have another child.

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Sounds you have decided, actually! to me it is perfectly logical for you to have some doubts---you now know the "realism" of having a baby that you did not/could not know before you actually became a mother. I think it is natural to weigh those things. However, if it really is mostly the fact that it is harder to have more than one child I think you can be confident that once the bundle of joy is here you will rise to the occassion--just like you did the first time, no matter how "hard" it is. In regard to taking time from the moments with your older child, you can still plan your life to include one to one time with each child (especially with the help of your "wonderful hubby")...and think about the joy you wil have as you watch the siblings also have moments together!
I am not pushing this becuase I think having only one child is "wrong". I was an only child, and after discusions with my own wonderful hubby, so will our son. But to us if feels "right" and "complete" for our family. If does not sound like you have that feeling yet...so don't let your reservations stop you. Just do what you can to plan for them, now that you are an experienced mommy.
Either way, good luck in whatever decision you make!

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Hi K.,

I always thought I wanted my kids to be 2 years apart (before I had them) and then when it was time for me to be pregnant , I was totally not ready. So I waited and then decided that 3 years apart was a better spacing for us. I love having 3 children and I love the spacing between tham. My advice is to do what feels right to you. I don't think you are being selfish; I think you are being honest...and that is a good thing! 34 is not old to be having babies. You might want to talk with your ob/gyn about how the risks with all pregnancies change with age - how much your risk increases. That might help you from a clinical perspective. As for your feelings about sharing time...only you know the answer to that. Trust yourself. You know what is right for you.Don't be afraid to listen!

Good luck!

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K.,
I realize you feel like your biological clock is ticking, but I had more space between mine, which definitly relieved a lot of the stress. The older one is very helpful. And if you decide against now, it's not like you took perment action (tubes tied, or vasectomy) so you can always change your mind later. Give yourself some time. Time will tell if you want another one. Good Luck, just remember there is no right or wrong answer.

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We waited 18 mos before we try to having another child. Then we were blesssed with twins. So we went from 3 people to a family of 5. The twins were work because there were two of them but I was so much more relaxed and didn't stress over the little things. If you keep a schedule then things go smoothly well as smoothly as you can be with kids. I say if you want more children now is the time to keep them close in age. My girls are a little over 2 years apart and play well with each other. Good luck!!

I have to say that each time we had another child, I wondered if I will think it's as wonderful as I did the first time. Even after six children, I am floored at how wonderful it is having a baby around the house. The added bonus after you already have one is the fun of watching the older child interact and teach the younger child things. It's a whole new awesome aspect of parenting. Many of my friends have 2-3 kids. Now that we're older and they are "done", it's clear that some of them are the ones that wish they had more and come to my babies for a baby fix when we are together. The days of little sleep are so short compared to the incredible gift of another child. We're never given more than we can handle. I often think of how MUCH each of our children has added to our family. I honestly couldn't imagine our lives without each one. My last two children have been when I was 35 or older and the risks are a tiny bit increased, but they are still very minimal. As I've aged, I've found that I take more time to enjoy the little things in my children and I'm probably a better parent now. Some people say, "You're so organized. I could never have a big family because I'm not." I have gotten a little more organized with each child, and this has helped us to get out the door on time!

I had my 1st at 34, and am a reader/follower of Dr. Burton White's "The First Three Years of Life." A very sensible, common-sense approach book for raising happy, unspoiled children. He states that it is very advantageous if you can space them at about 3 years apart. We shot for about 2-1/2, and our second was born 2-3/4 years after the first, just 4 months ago. I was 36 and there were no complications, etc. (Keep in mind that yes, some risk factors go up slightly, but don't shoot up astronomically at 35.) I think this is great spacing because they'll still be able to hang out, but the older girl is able to do much for herself, like pottying, some dressing, feeding, etc. Basically the philosophy is that for the 1st 3 years, kids are very parent oriented, but then at 3 become more peer oriented. This creates less stress when a new baby is around, and esp. when new baby starts crawling and needs much more watching, because older sibling is not so needy of mom & dad. The sibling rivalry is said to go way down if the spacing is about 3 years apart, and reduces stress on the whole family. I'm sure many others will think differently, and of course it can work just fine no matter what. Just also keep in mind a study that says your body needs at least 18 months between pregnancies to recover properly for the next one.... Hope this helps.

34 isn't that old and 10 months is still very young. I would give it more time to make the decision. You have some time, especially if you didn't have trouble getting pregnanat the first time. My oldest was extremely colicky (crying 14 hours a day) and there was no way I was ready to get pregnant again when he was 10 months old, but I was ready when he was 2. I had my children at 33 and 36. Getting up at night with them gets harder as you get older, but I think in many ways your children keep you young. Also, I wouldn't have another child just because you don't want your first child to be an only. I would have another child because you really want another child. Both my husband and my mother are only children; they do just fine. I'm glad I had two and sometimes thought about 3, but it is such a personal family decision for you and your husband. Every family is different. Best wishes.

i think that it is fabulous to have more than just one kid. it is lonely! and family is a bond that never breaks.

however, i agree with your hesitation. i have one 16 month old and i want my son to be old enough to trust to entertain himself a little when my other baby is born. also, he will be old enough to help! my husband was a youngest child in his family, and very young compared to family that was closest to him geographically. so he was never really around other kids or babies! i like the idea that my kid will have a little experience with babies and younger children. it really helps later in life.

so i guess my advice to you is to wait. it HAS to be easier when the older child is... older. LOL

I am a mom to a 18 month old and one due shortly. Sometimes I think I am crazy for having my babies so close and then I look at my 18 month old and this overwhelming love and astonishment washes over me. There is nothing that can compare to that feeling.
I wanted my children to be close in age and they are. My hands and life will be very full and very hectic, but the reward far outweighs anything.
You really seem to want another child, but maybe you need to think about the timing of it. Maybe you are not quite ready to try yet. Maybe in a few months when she is walking and talking more.
I know your concerned about having a baby after 35, but just remember that more people are having there first ones after that age.
I recommend you follow your heart. Listen to it closely and it will guide you.

We started our family when I was 32, second child born at 35. they are 23 months apart. I was very happy to have had our girl after a boy. My son was not a good sleeper and had several ear infections so i know about sleepless nights and concerns on a second set of them. However, our daughter is not like our son, she slept through the night at 8 weeks and at 4 months only a slight ear infection in 1 ear. The point is each child is different, although a 2 year old is a challage and not a lot of help with being mom's " go for", he loves his sister and does try to help. I like you didn't want an only child for many reasons. I think, if you can afford a second child, you should. Each child is worth the effort when you put the effort in. I found a routine after a small bout with post-partum, in about 2 months. I do have to remember that the small things can wait. Friends in this same spot assure me that but the time they are 1 and 3 they entertain each other enough to even be able to relax a little. I am certain you will make the right choice for you... I work FT and PT and my husband works 40+ and it still works out. Good Luck!

Unfortunately only can can decide what is best for your family and YOU! I am a 38 yr old Mother of 2 boys (ages 15 yrs and 18 months); I also have a 4-1/2 yr old step-daughter. My husband and I are also in the same situation. We are trying to decide if we are "done". I would like to have one more, since I don't have a daughter- he has 1 of each. So he has decided it is up to me.

I prefer the one-on-one time with my youngest son, but at the same time, wouldn't want them to be too far apart in age. Also, I already went through a "high-risk" pregnancy (due to age) and it isn't a big deal. I had to have a few additional tests, and some recommended ones I decided against having done.

My recommendation is that you wait until you know for sure. Don't let that biological clock make the decision for you. I think that it will be easier for you to decide in the next 6 to 8 months as your 10 month old gets more independant. You will see that it will get easier.

Really when you look at it, the consequences of you having a second child are really quite small compared with what your first child would receive from the experience. I mean, sure you might encounter another bout of nighttime sleep-deprivation but you need to have faith that you and your children will live through it. There is always some suffering involved for us mothers when we choose to have a second child; it is a small investment when you compare it to the payoff. I hope you have another child, and I hope you enjoy it as much as we've enjoyed it. There is nothing like watching your kids play together and be there for each other, which is very good practice for them for the grown-up world. I think if you feel like you want another child, you ought to go for it. You don't have to feel as strongly about this desire as you did for the first child you have. Regret is hard to live with--living with a second child isn't nearly as hard. It's actually quite fun, even though you may worry about not being able to be there for your oldest. You just need to know that you can do it, and that life won't be perfect for a while but eventually you will find your happy place:)...I love it when my girls (2 1/2 years between them) play with each other for hours on end. They do too.

Hello, there. I am a mother of a single child (12 y/o) and would like to give you my experiences. I always wanted at least 2 children and told myself if I had a 3rd; I would have to have 4 (don't ask). But, I also told myself that when my son turned 2 - that was the time to "work" on the second one. The age of 2 came WHY TOO FAST and I/we weren't ready; then came 3 & 4 - still not ready. By the time he was 5 we thought - if we are going to do this; we better to do it. Well, I had a mis-carriage & a tubal pregnancy before my son was even born; plus, he was a difficult birth. Then we had difficult trying to conceive a second child; but we learned to accept it and our son became our Miracle Child. Plus, our son went through a phase of wanting a younger sibling (thank God for cousins - 3 - all girls) - someelse to play with if Mom & Dad were busy. It has only been the last couple of years were our son decided that it isn't that bad being an only child. He was never a spoiled child as he was in daycare as soon as they would take him. I guess what I am trying to say is: Having only one child is not that bad. You do get to focus all your attention to that child; but be prepared that your child will require that attention even more cause there isn't another sibling to play with. Be able to explain the "why can't I have a younger sibling". And, if you have another child; be prepared for the sibling fights - especially for mommy's attention. On the plus side, have at least 2 children is fun to just sit and watch them play together; laughing, hugging, and getting along. The 3 girl cousins mentioned above belong to my sister; and they go through all that. Just be ABSOLUTELY sure (both of you) on whatever you decide. I personally am very glad I have only 1 and I wouldn't trade it in for anything.

Hello,
I have a 5 yr old daughter who loves being an oly child. We have been able to take her to meny places including Florida and Boston. It is so easy with one!! We have been able to enroll her into swimming, bowling, Spanish classes and meny more activities. With the economy the way it is we can afford to do that with one and give her all the attention that she deserves! I am not saying one is not hard you have to play with them more and I am sure when she grows up she may have struggles with being an only child but that is what friends are for. Good luck on making your decision!!

Looks like it has taken awhile for me to look at this e-mail but Im in the same situation as you. My little boy Caden is 16 months and we were going to try this summer for #2. But I keep thinking Im not really ready and wondering if I want another one for sure. My husband was in the Navy and overseas when Cade was born he missed the first 3 months of his life so it would be so great for him to be here for #2 and see the birth and all but I keep thinking about how with a new baby Caden wouldnt get as much attention and I love it just being him. Im a SAHM and have a daycare part time at my house so we will still get our one on one time together. There are other reasons I have for questioning if I want another one like money, mostly right now. So I just dont know myself about it either. I really dont know besides the fact that I love just being with Caden. I know 2 kids are much more work and that scares me also Im already late when we go places too.
We have time to figure it out yet I would like Cade to be
2.5-3 years old before having another one if we do. Good luck on your decission its a hard one sometimes when your so use to just one child and the whole losing sleep and getting up doesnt sound so fun to do again but like other moms have said that time will pass. L.

Hi K.! Try looking at it this way: in the short-term, it will be more difficult with two kids, especially when the baby is little. However, in the long-term, you don't want your daugther to grow up an only child...it's probably worth a couple of years of a bit more stress with two young ones versus a lifetime of having only one child. I have four myself, I know it can be more difficult when they are young, but I wouldn't give any of them back for anything now!

It is a lot more work to have 2, however it is do-able. Your hubby just gets to start helping our more. :) My oldest 2 kids are about 3 years apart and that was a good space. My daughter was just starting to learn how to be semi-independant when we had the second, it didn't make it as hard.

You will spend less time with your oldest, however its worth it in the long run. When you see the love between the two kids, its so worth it.

We had our 3rd child 8 years after the second. That was a very difficult transition!

If you want another baby then have one. You really can't think of it in terms of how much harder it will be with two. I mean seriously, can you really remember your life before your first? NO! The same will happen after the second - you won't even remember life before you had two.
I have 2 daughters, 17 months apart. Of course there were difficult times but there were difficult times when I had just one (if I remember correctly :) ). If you really want another baby, go for it. It will all work out cause as Moms, that's what we do!

Yeah, it's a huge decision. I am pregnant with my 2nd child and have a 20-mo-old son. I am very nervous to have to take care of both of them - especially when my husband is not around! But I don't regret our decision. I think it'll be nice for them to be siblings who are pretty close in age. For the first 2-3 years, it will be hard (2 kids in diapers, cribs, etc.) But in the long run, they will play together and entertain each other, etc. My niece & nephew are 2 years apart and they are buddies.
But take some time and think about it. You don't have to do it right away! Your daughter is only 20-months-old! And I don't think you're "high risk" until you're 40. You're only 34. Take a few months, or a year, and really think about what you want. Good luck!

It can be a very tough choice to make but remember just because your first baby was colic with GERD doesn't mean that your 2 will. I have heard that things just fall into place when you have more children. Good luck with this and everything will work out!

I knew from the start that I wanted 3 or 4 kids, however when my first was 18 mos. old I was still saying "how could anyone think about starting another when they're so fun at this age?" I also knew I wanted a 3 yr approx age span between kids, which I have. Of course I had my first at age 26 so you don't want to wait that long perhaps.

If you're still overwhelmed now, I suggest waiting at least 6-12 months before trying to get pregnant. 34 isn't that old, especially for a second child, but I wouldn't wait until 40 personally. Enjoy your time with your baby and get comfortable with parenting before putting your body through the stress of pregnancy again. If you take the pill remember it takes a few months to get that out of the system so keep that in mind.

Oh, and I've read that chiropractic does wonders for both colic and reflux.

Best wishes.

if in your heart of hearts you want another child than I would say go for it, but realize it is harder...and like my Mom once told me "and this to shall pass". I just had my third and everyone just adapts to new situations.
Good Luck
K.

You said that you wanted kids close in age and not a high-risk pregnancy, so go ahead and have #2. Having two is a handful at times, but all of the good times out weigh the stress. #2 is much easier than #1. You will have all the experience you are first learning now. It will be hard at times, but you pull through. My husband and I just trade off kids when we need a break from one. Our personal time is minimal, but it works for us. Kids are only young once.

I have eleven children and have never regretted have any one of them! In many ways, two are easier than one as they grow because they play and keep each other entertained. As they grow into their teen years, they also keep each other accountable. Try to think past these few years when they are small and think to the future.

I agree with everyone else - in the end it has to be your decision.

That said, my children are 21, 19, 14, and 2 months. :-) The latest addition was a complete surprise, and I'm definitely an "older" mom at 38. We actually considered trying to have another child after this one, primarily because we don't want him growing up as an "only child". Even though he *isn't*, he will not have the same experience as he might have if his siblings were closer to his own age. But I thought about it and decided I don't *want* another child. Four is more than enough, and there are other ways to expose our new son to situations and people that will teach him much about socialization. That isn't enough of a reason for us to have another child.

That said, all the fighting and sibling rivalry is *good* for a child, it teaches them conflict resolution and how to deal with confrontations. Sharing parents is as important as sharing toys, it teaches children how to share the love of another person without being overly possessive - something that can be a detriment to them in relationships when they are older. And of course there's all the good that comes from having siblings - companionship, playmates, confidants.

It's harder, oh yes. I used to think Bill Cosby was crazy when he said "you aren't really a parent until you have more than one child" UNTIL we adopted our daughters and went from 1 child to 3 overnight. What a difference that was, even though they were older and we didn't have to suffer through the diapers/sleepless nights.

You have to be comfortable with the choice. Don't have another child because you think it's the right thing to do, or because you want your child to have a sibling. The decision should be from the heart - because you truly *want* another child.

Good luck!

I don't think you are ready, otherwise you would have not asked advice on this forum. You are YOUNG yet! Wait a couple of years and see how you feel then. Your daughter will be older, and able to help out a bit. I was 38 when I had my first, and it wasn't a high risk pregnancy. So relax, and just wait.

You are right that it is 10 times harder with the 2nd. Yes you are going to have to give up time with your first. Then do not forget about sibling rivalry. All the fighting that comes along with brothers and sisters. I know this sounds like you shouldn't have another one, but it really is the opposite. You will always regret not having a 2nd child! You will always wonder, and even though it is exausting, it is worth it. You have to keep in mind that your children grow up and the baby stage, or the toddler stage only lasts for so long. My 2nd child was a surprise and I had twins, so really I had 2 and 3 added to the mix. I wouldn't change it for the world. It was tough, and I was tired and cried alot when they wouldn't sleep on the same schedule. I still read my first a story every night before bed, and gave her a bath. I just had to switch things around a bit. I say go for it. The only thing you will regret in life is the things you did not do.

Each child is a miracle.
Each child is their own unique gift of life you and hubby created,
Each moment is full of most does, may do,oh whatever, to so whats but in the end well worth it.
I could go on and on but you see the pattern every good has a stresser.
But when you are down and life is coming at you like a knight in 1000 lb armor and all you can do is stand by kitchen sink and collapse from the weight of it all here comes the Blue knight.
Shiney blue innocent eyes and a oh I am sorry Mom but I need you innocent little lookin at you look.
You feel the weight fallin off you if for just a moment.
You can go on.

Now weigh those moments by two and you have double the love.

I have the same fear!! I have a 12 1/2 month old and I am 33 years old. She is a good little girl but with the teething it is really tough and she exhausts me. I don't want her to be the only child but on the other hand I am scared of taking care of 2 kids and I don't want to wait very long either. She was tough in the beginning. She had acid reflux, colic and did not want to sleep in her crib. I am sorry I am not giving you advice but I am glad I am not alone in this. I hope we can get some advice from other mothers. I hope it works out for you.

You should have at least one more.
You can't really be a parent with only one.
Ifyou have just one.
If siomething gets broken
You know who did it

Give yourself some more time to enjoy your daughter and let her grow up a bit more (become more independent) before you have another one. Even if you wait until you're 37 to get pregnant again, the baby will be done with diapers by the time you're 40.

What you're going through is perfectly normal. My baby is 15 months old and I can't imagine being pregnant or having another child right now. It is too much work and I just want to focus my attention on my daughter.

Hi K.,
I completely understand all of your concerns and they are all justified but, remember when you were expecting your first baby and had all kinds of questions and fears and you spent agonizing hours thinking of all the "what if's"? And then you had your baby and it all made sense, right? You did what you had to do to get through the hard spells and it was all worth it! That's exactly how it is when you have the next baby. It will all be different, of course, but you just do it, and it's all just the way it is supposed to be. My husband and I were only going to have one child. I wanted more but at age 38 I agreed, finally, that we wouldn't have any more. Then I became pregnant, with twins! You can bet that I had my share of doubts! They are 19 months old now and people ask me all the time, "how did you do it? How do you do it?" and I tell them, you just do it! Now we can't imagine life with just the three of us anymore. Yes it's hard, yes, we're tired, yes, our first child has had some adjustments to make, but we are so blessed with all of our kids and our family is complete! So if you and your husband feel in your heart that you want another child, all of the doubts and fears will resolve themselves with time, and we all survive the sleep deprived first few months! I hope this helps! Good luck and blessings to you and your family! K. S.

Children are a wonderful gift. Personally, I think your first child learns so much from another. They get to help. You will fall in love even faster with the second and wonder what you did before. Nothing is all "fun and games" but time passes quickly. Go with your heart....I did...I have boys 8,11, & 13...with a one year old girl that the boys (and all their friends) love!

My experience with our first child is very different from yours. Our first child is 6 months and we could not have asked for a more perfect child (and I am not just saying this because I am her mother). She only cries when she is sick, constipated, or hungry. She smiles for EVERYONE. She sits up, rolls over, sleeps through the night, the list goes on. Because of how great she is, my husband and I were considering not having more because we didn't want to be disappointed. Our families were devastated when they heard this and here are some of the responses we got, that convinced us to follow our hearts and have more children some day. 1: every baby is different and we could have an even more perfect baby the next time(s). 2:One child may not guarantee grandchildren. 3:If she does have children, they would not have aunts, uncles, or cousins from her side; typically single children marry other single children so there is the chance that her children would not have aunts, uncles, or cousins AT ALL. 4:child number 2 means more people to love!! Good luck in your decision.

Hi K.,
We had our son when we were 36. After he was 5 (job change and lack of insurance for a while, 4 year difference was more our choice) we tired again but not as seriously as the first time (due to our son sleeping with us) for about a year. It's been okay not having another one, sometimes I regret it, but the majority fo the time it's okay. Our son wanted a sibling when he was younger (actually he wanted a sister and told us we would have to send it back if it was a boy!) but now is quite happy being an only child (he is 13). I would like to have experienced having a girl, not that I regret having a son at all. All in all it's ok.
Best of luck on your decision,
S.
http://www.YesToSuccess.net/S.
helping families with health and wealth for 12 years
PS: I am a homeschool mom and home business owner.