Trying Not to Tell My 24 Year Marry Son What to Do?

Please take care of yourself first, seek counseling for your depression. I tmay help things look brighter in the future for you. Your son is a grown man he can take care of himself, but you need to take care of you.

I think you need to trust your son to make his own decisions. My husband is in the military and we have 6 kids. He has been to Iraq twice. It is not irresponsible of him to stay in the military and he is not running away from the responsibility of family. My husband and I feel like he is setting an example of responsibility, honor, courage and commitment for our children. Your son wants to continue to defend his country. That is noble. Please take the time to truly listen to his reasons for wanting to stay in the military and support the choices he makes. Be proud of him and ask if he does not defend then who should. The military needs people to stay in and be leaders. They can't all be right out of high school. You say you are looking for positive things. You have a daughter-in-law and grand child and what sounds like a very honorable son.

No matter how worried you may feel about him going to Iraq, you can't stop him. He has already been there and knows what is to be expected, so he is going into this decision with his eyes open. As for him being married and running away from responsibility, many military people are married and lots have children, but they do not see themselves as running away from responsibility, they see it as protecting their family and friends and their country. I do not want my sons in the military (as a mother who would worry horribly) but, I would have to respect their decision to do so if it happened.

I think you need to sit down with just your son and tell him that you need to talk about this. Tell him that the decision is his to make but you would really like him to just listen to your concerns. Once he listens to you, you have to back away and give him the room to make the decision he feels is right for him. Don't put him in a corner, don't lecture or yell, just tell him that you are scared and tell him what your heart says.

As for your husband, you two have been together so long and it sounds like he's handled his son the same way the whole time. I know it probably drives you nuts but you shouldn't be surprised when he acts this way and won't stand up to his son the way you'd like. I do know that depression makes things so much harder to deal with but you must realize that there are many things you cannot change, you just pray you have the strength to deal with them as they happen.

I wish you good luck and I pray for your sons safety!

Hi M.

I hear your love and concern for your son. It is absolutly normal to have those feelings. The problem here is that they are your feelings and may not reflect what the others think. This is sometimes very hard to accept. I too have a 24 year old son who has a 4 year old daughter. He has not always made the best decisions and I sat by and watched him do them. I have learned that whenever I would approach an area where he didn't want my advice, he would do the exact opposite.

I have learned to either ask him if I can give a suggestion or wait for him to ask. Unsolicited advice is never welcomed and will never be well recieved. It will only push the other person away from you.

I would suggest to trust that you have done the best job possible as he was growing up and let him experience his life. I remember telling my father at that age to let me do my own mistakes because that was how he learned not to repeat his. I saw, for the first time, in my father's eyes compassion and love. He finally let go of me to let me live my life. And it was at that moment that my life began to turn for the best.

I hope this will have been helpful, although I do understand that as a parent, we only want the best for our children and wish to spare them hardship. I think by not letting them live the life they were meant to live is robbing them of truly living. Focus on being supportive and there when things do go badly. God bless your family and good luck.

C. C.
Life Coach

Hey M.! Thank you for sharing your story. I can understand how you are feeling and I know you are trying so hard not to tell your son what to do and you feel like no one is even considering how you feel. Okay, your son is married. So apparently he and his wife is in agreement with him leaving again and honestly, that is all that matters. God says for man to leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and for him and his house, they shall serve the Lord. All you can do is pray for the best. But we have to sometimes let go, and let God. And girl we are not always going to understand it all. But as long as he and his wife are in agreement, that's all that matters. Don't allow this to cause confusion in your home. I read where you said you are in a unhappy marriage? Hey, pray on that too girl. Your husband is 2nd to God and he needs you. ANd if he's not listening to you, well, hey, pray that God will work on his heart to change things. Keep your flame and passions going for the love of people. And the love of God should keep all of us going on this earth. The devil will always try to distact us esp. with the ones we love and care about the most. I know it's easier said then done, but lets go by faith in this situation and God will protect him and work it all out. LOve you and you continue to be blessed and don't worry cause God says it's a sin when we do b/c we're not trusting in Him. God, bless this family, bless their homes, bring peace and joy back into their lives thru every situation Lord God, and draw them to you by your spirit, in Jesus name, Amen!! Now keep your head up and be strong girl okay! (smile) Be blessed!! :)

Monte, I also have grown children and understand how hard it is not to still be able to tell them what to do. Your son is a grown man now and you have to let go and allow him to make his own decisions. I pray daily for my grown children that the Lord will guide and direct them in the way he wants them to go. I have to let them go and trust God. It is very comforting to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. God Bless. Time to let go.

Mothers love children and will be mothers until the day we die. It's hard to let go, but we have to in order for our children to be independent adults. As a mother, though, I don't believe that you need to close up shop entirely. Offer your opinion when asked and then let it go. If you believe your son is making a huge mistake about something he's sharing with you, ask him if he's thought through all of the consequences. If he can tell you how he made his decision, then make peace with it even if you don't like it or think it's a mistake. You cannot live his life for him. He is a grown man (even if young) and must make his own decisions. You might be surprised that it works for him. But, if it's really stupid, then he has to know that he must accept the choices that go with every decision. As his mother, you need to know the difference between helping and intruding in or running his life. As a parent, we are our children's elders. When they become adults, we help differently, by being more of a coach than a drill sergeant. It's still teaching, but now the lessons should be building on what you've already taught and reminding him how to apply those lessons. Finally, if you're unhappy with your own health and marital relationship, channel more of that maternal care toward yourself and your spouse. You've done your job raising children. Now, take care of yourself and the person you chose to spend your life with. Once you rediscover yourself, you might climb out of that depression and be able to give some time and attention to your husband. I've found that my husband can't even hear me when he's feeling neglected. Maybe if both of the men in your life see you being a whole, well-rounded woman, they will respect your opinion and listen when you offer wisdom.

First of all you admitted that you suffer from depression; are you getting professional help for that, because you need to first take care of yourself. Secondly, your son is a grown man and has to make his own decisions in life whether good/bad. He has a wife, and if his wife is fine with him re-enlisting than that is the end of the conversation. You have to understand as a woman and a mother that times are hard out here and there are not a lot of jobs that offer great medical benefits, a place to live (on base if you choose) and job security. His decisions are not about you.

As for your husband, you need to pray. Pray that God will change that situation around where you feel he does not respect you. Maybe you should try coming to him another way, sounds like you are trying to come to him like you are his mother as well. Sometimes, we as strong woman need to reevaluate how we speak to our men / husbands. This is coming from a wife and mother of two children. My husband is ex-marine and I am ex-Army. The military family life is not for everybody but it is for some people.

Be blessed and may God with you all.

I know that he is your son and it is very hard to have him leave and go off in to uncertain danger. But shame on you for saying that he is being selfish here. If anyone is being selfish and only thinking about themselves and how hard it will be, it is you. Of course it is hard for our men and women to go overseas and I am sure it is not as easy as a decision for him as you think it is. As hard as it is for you and his family it is even harder for him to leave his family behind to fight for what he believes him. God bless your son and all the men and women of this country who share his beliefs to fight for freedom and equality. Because if it wasn't for them, there would be no America. So I say again shame on you. You should be a beacon of support for your son no matter what his decision is. He is not running away from anything, but towards something. A life that any one should be proud of, you should be proud of him and ashamed for your thoughts and probably actions. This is his decision because it is his life not yours. You can't gain your happiness through him but only through yourself. I will pray for you and your family that you find the strength to get through whatever lies ahead.

M.,
You really love your son. It's obvious. But you are the one being selfish, not him. He has grown up and it sounds like he's making good decisions. He has a career that is VERY HONORABLE and very selfless. He has found someone to love and has married her rather than just living with her. It sounds like you raised a very honorable, and giving young man. Please support him, no matter how afraid for him that you are. He needs to know you love him and that you're proud of him. My prayers are with your family as he embarks on this new journey in life.

Have you heard of the book, "A New Earth?" I recommend reading that and searching for support, maybe through church or counseling... Ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness and it sounds like there are people counting on you to find peace in your life. Meditation, exercise (maybe yoga) and taking deap breaths (focus on your breath and try to stop the noise in your head) whenever you can may be helpful.

M.,
I am a military wife and deployments are incredibly tough. This decision has to be made between your son and his wife. Encourage your son to do what he feels is the right thing to do (and that might not be what you think is right). Then support him 100 percent. The guys who choose to go back do so because they feel it is the right and honorable thing to do and it is.
God bless you,
J.

Hi M.

Do you have a relationship with God? Have you accepted Jesus as YOUR Saviour and Lord? This will make a tremendous change in your life.

I know this will help!!!!!

Dear M.,

I DO feel for you & will address your issues one by one.

Your son is an ADULT, fully capable of making his own decisions about HIS life. As his mom, you must respect that. I know you're scared for him, but he needs to go his own way. This is regarding both his marriage and his military service. Twenty-three is NOT too young to be married. I myself was married at 20 (I thought that was too young, ha!), and my marriage lasted 30 years, until death did we part. What he is doing in the military is honorable!! This is HIS chosen life, not yours. Accept and embrace his wife as one of your own!

As far as your depression, you MUST find a good therapist AND psychiatrist...depression is an ILLNESS like diabetes, NOT a character defect. It CAN be treated successfully with counseling and medication. I've had depression since I was in my 20's. Once your depression is treated, you'll find that you will feel more positive about your son's life choices, and life in general. He's not doing anything wrong...he is following his heart.

As far as that goes, are you religious? If so, then turn it all over to God and let him handle it. That is what He is there for; the Bible tells us that. Once you can do that, you will find yourself much lighter! Pray daily, even if simply the Lord's Prayer.

God bless & good luck,
Pam H.

M., I agree with the other readers. Sweetie, it's time to let go. Your son is 24 years old. You said that he is only thinking about himself, but I really feel you are thinking about yourself and not allowing your son to make his own decision. Why don't you go to a local church and get your life right with GOD cause if you trust in Him, he will take care of your marriage, your health and evrything else in your life. Life is too short, people are dropping off this earth like flies. GOD promises us that he will give us the peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace right now is what you need. Put your focus on GOD and let him guide you; cleanse you and I guarantee that you will feel so much better that you won't even be able to contain yourself. Also, you'll be able to let go of your son. It's time for your son to be a man; we, women tend to want to hold onto to these boys and not let go but what we are really doing is making these worse for them by not allowing them to grow. I pray that you will seek GOD for guidance. GOD bless!!

Hi M.,
First of all, please thank your son for me, for defending our country and putting his family on hold while he is deployed. You are not alone in your wishes for your son. Every parent is hesitant about such a decision. Especially given the current state of things. However, the decision belongs to your son and his wife. Its not your husband's or yours. I know someone who just went through this. He has done 2 tours. He was given the option to get out with no strings attached or to re-enlist. He chose to re-enlist. The soldiers that do re-enlist, do so for a variety of reasons. This is what they've trained for; they are needed; the $ bonus can't be beat; uncertainty - what job would I do if I'm not a soldier?
The best thing you can do is to respect his decision and to focus on you and your 15 year old. If you put all of your energy into getting well, you will be happier. If you are able to excerise, or at least walk, I've found that walking while listening to music releaves alot of stress. I also like to walk laps at the local pool. Water always seems to soothe me, and it is a low impact way to lose weight. Always a good thing!
Best Wishes.
M.

I am sorry to say, I agree with Michelle J. I was almost offended when I read your post, with my hubby being in the military as well. I cannot even imagine thinking those things you are thinking of him for being so. Your son is making a choice that is HIS to make, and doing so...is also providing for his family, and fighting for your freedom. The families of those in the military do have a lot of hardships because of it, but I could never put it under the catagory of my husband being selfish. Your son is willing to risk his life for his family, for you! That is far from selfish.
Whatever his reasons for re-enlisting, I think that you should commend him for being so brave and willing to do so. I think that maybe you should seek another way to work this out for yourself, other than trying to change your son, and make him choose the life YOU want for him. I agree that him being gone under dangerous circumstances his hard to take, but I think that is something that you need to work on for yourself, and maybe include his wife in it as well.
K.

It sounds like you are having trouble letting go, but that is our job as parents. We are to raise our children to leave and become contributing members of society and persons of good character. Please, please honestly sit down and think about who's best interests you are considering here. Its very easy for the enemy (devil)to use selfishness under the veil of concern for others. Is the only reason you do not want your son to enlist is because he will be deployed again? Or are there other concerns with him enlisting? What does he want to do? Does his wife support him enlisting? Once our children are married, they are one body. We as parents no longer factor in. Unfortunately we cannot control our children's actions, we can only hope we have taught them how to make good choices.
Your son enlisting is his and his wife's choice, not anyone elses. If this is something he really wants to do, the best thing you can do is support him and his decision. He is choosing a path that is honorable, challenging, and in doing so is providing for his family. No, deployment is not easy on any of us, and that includes your son. But he's made that decision. He knows the ramifications of that decision. Think about the respnsible things he is doing. He is taking responsiblity of his family, he is taking responsibility for defending his country, he is taking responsiblity to bring in a steady paycheck (not to mention excellent medical benefits), and he is doing something he loves. This is not a man (and remember that he is a grown man) who is running from responsibilty, this is a man taking on a huge responsibility.

Hi M.,

Now is the time for you to do something for yourself.

If your son wants to enlist in the service, and he knows that it is a possiblity that he can be killed or severly wounded, then he has to make that decision.

You have invested all your love into your son because your marriage has been unhappy.

Now is the time for you to look and see what makes you happy when you are alone with your thoughts.

1. Get into an exercise routine such as Curves.

2. Get involved with a support group. If there has been or is someone in your life who drinks too much, go to Al-Anon Support group in your area.

3. If you have a hobby, get involved with it.

4. Do some volunteer work with children. CASA is a place to start. CASA is Court Appointed Special Advocate. It is provided through the Court Services Unit in the City where you live.

5. Eat balanced meals to get your health back on track.

6. Go to Counselling therapy at one of the Community Services Board in your city. They have sliding scale fees so that you can afford to go.

7. Go with your husband to Family Mediation at your local Mediation Center to see why you are not happy with him.

Your life will be over and then you will wonder how come you didn't enjoy it. There are no men available out in the world, they are all married. There is no reason to get rid of what you have. Men look at life differently than women. It is very difficult to have a relationship with a man.

Learn to focus on yourself and not others. Good luck. D.

The mental stress you put on yourself is affecting your body in obviously a negative way. Perhaps your need to control the people around you is leaving you unfulfilled? What if you accept them and their decisions by providing a loving platform for them to feel safe enough to discuss their problems/issues? It's a different way of thinking about the situation.

I highly recommend the book "A New Earth".

In good health,
~L.
www.notaboutfood.com
www.accesspilates.com

ok i think that maybe you should let the boy do what he wants. basically it's between him and his wife what he does and doesnt do not you. i am sure you will miss him but telling him you dont want him to enlist because YOU dont think YOU could survive would be selfish and well mean.