March 12, 2010,
Z.Z. asks from Rockville, MD on February 18, 2010
Trying for a Girl After 4 Boys
When do you stop trying for a girl when you have 3 boys and another one on the way? We were lucky enough to get pregnant with girls twice, but sadly lost both of them in the 2nd trimester. My husband and I both come from large families and knew we wanted 4 children. When I hear of people having 5 children I think it's a lot, but really only one more than what we will have. I know there's no guarantee if we try again in the next couple of years, that we will have a girl, but I just don't know if I'm done yet.
When we found out we were expecting the girls, I started collecting girl's clothes from friends and was very excited. We were heartbroken when we lost both of them at 20 and 23 weeks. I thought this would be my last pregnancy, but since we were told we were having another boy, I'm not so sure now. I said at age 40 I would be done no matter what, so I have 3 1/2 more years to think about it. I'm just not sure. I know my family would think I was crazy to want more than 4 kids, but really, I've never asked them to help or anything. My friends are the ones who are their for me.
Anyway, I was just wondering what other people thoughts on this were.
So What Happened?™
This is not really a "What Happened" comment, but I did want to clarify a few things. My husband and I have done genetic testing and spoken in depth with a genetic counselor. There are no problems genetically. We did find out I have a blood clotting disorder that usually does not affect pregnancy, but for some reason did not allow the two girls I was pregnant with to survive past the snd trimester. I had blood clots on the placenta and it wasn't functioning as it should to get the babies the nutrients they needed. I am now on injectable blood thinners for this pregnancy.
As far as "trying" for a girl, I guess some may take that the wrong way in thinking that I would be disappointed if any future pregnancy turned out to be a boy. That is not the case at all. We love all our boys and wouln't trade them for the world. My husband and I have already discussed adopting a girl and that may be the course we take. As I said, we have a few years to think about it. We may go ahead and decide to start the adoption process after a year since we know it can take years for adoptions to take place.
I appreciate all the replies and realize that the decision is mine and my husbands.
C.C. answers from Fresno on February 18, 2010
I'm sorry for your lost baby girls, and congratulations on your boys!
I've often wondered how children feel who were born the "wrong" gender. In other words, when parents say, "We're trying for a girl" and then the baby is a boy, does he feel like he wasn't what the parents wanted, right from the start?
If you want to have another baby, by all means do so, but I think if you go into it wanting one gender or the other, that is not the right reason to have another child. My husband and I have 2 girls, and thought about having a third child (I think deep in their hearts, most men do want a son), but ultimately we decided that we weren't willing to bring another child into the world only because we hoped to have a boy - because the chances are 50/50 that it would be a girl, and no baby deserves to be the source of disappointment, even for a moment. Just my two cents. =)
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M.W. answers from Washington DC on February 19, 2010
I am sorry for your loss of your daughters, I can't imagine how hard that was. It's really up to you and your hubby as to having a 5th child, trying for a girl. What if you get 5 boys? I am not sure on your beliefs, but God will give you what is in His will. Not sure if that helps, but I thought I would share.
It doesn't matter what others think of you having more kids, just the ones involved in raising them and taking care of them, you and your hubby, so long as you can provide for them all in every way, then it's no one else's right to tell you otherwise.
Good luck and God bless!
1 mom found this helpful
B.W. answers from Minneapolis on February 18, 2010
Hugs to you for the loss of your babies. I can't imagine how hard htat must have been, that late in pregnancy. Do the doctors know why you lost them? Being you have 4 healthy boys, and lost your two girl pregnancies, I would consider some genetic counseling before trying to conceive again.
We have two boys, ages 7.5 and 4. We tried for a year to get our oldest, 18 mos to get our youngest, and tried for almost 2yrs to get pregnant with #3. We finally stopped trying and we have chosen to go with our plan of adoption early. we didn't want to adopt htis soon, but it was in Gods plan for us to adopt now. We have been in process for about 18mos (from start of paperwork/homestudy to now) and are still waiting. But its not nearly as hard to wait to get pregnant.
If a girl is in your heart, maybe consider adoption? There are so many children out there waiting for a family. You may have to wait, or choose an international adoption (we did this first and our country shut down as we got up to the front of the line).
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J.C. answers from Houston on February 18, 2010
hey more the better lol.if you have the money the love and the space in ur home go for it dont worry about what others think do what makes you and ur hubby happy:)good luck
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B.D. answers from Richmond on March 12, 2010
Well if the question is are you crazy for wanting more kids....my answer is no. I think with most women after the littlest one turns 1 and on ....you start to think um i may want another one. I have 2 boys,a girl and one on the way. I really want another girl and we looked just online at the charts on when is the best time to conceive a girl and went from there.
If the questions is how do you know when do you stop hoping for a girl...the answer is you wont but I am sure if i had three boys and one boy on the way...I wouldnt do it because I love my boys but they drive me insane...haha...You are a brave soul! It sounds like to me you have everything under control with your crew and hey whats one more right..lol. Me and my husband have always said we wanted 6 but we think we are done with 4..lol. You make urself happy and dont worry what others think. Our parents still cant believe we have three...haha.Be happy and Good luck!
C.R. answers from Dallas on February 18, 2010
We had three girls and were trying for that boy when I got pregnant with twins! We just KNEW we were going to be blessed with two boys. We now have 7 month old twin girls and they are just amazing. We really feel like the Lord knows exactly what we need.
That being said, I understand your heart. I long to have a son. I'm 42 so we are complete. You'll have a better understanding of what you'll want to do after your new baby arrives. You will also have to put out of your mind what other people think. Just make sure that if you decide to have another child, it's because you want to expand your family and that you will be okay with it being another boy. Good luck and look forward to meeting your new little son!
S.C. answers from Myrtle Beach on February 18, 2010
I think it's wonderful that you are considering having more children! I don't think you are crazy at all.
I'm so sorry for your loss, as that must have been very difficult for both you and your husband.
Congrats on the latest boy! God has truly blessed you!
R.R. answers from Norfolk on February 19, 2010
I also lost two babies during the same gestation periods as you, but they were both boys, and we successfully created two beautiful girls.
Go through genetic testing before you decide to give it one more try. The genetic combination may be defective, and no matter how hard you try, you may have to wait to spoil daughter in-laws and grandbabies.
You are the only one who can decide if the loss of both your babies before is worth the heartache of trying again. For myself, I was so heartbroken over the loss of the two babies I was just overjoyed to have a healthy baby.
A.C. answers from Washington DC on February 19, 2010
I'm probably going to be the one dissenting opinion here (somewhat LOL) but I've always lived by the credo ... when in doubt ... DON'T.
But I will agree that NOW isn't really the time to be thinking about it or worrying about it. As you said you've got some time before a decision needs to be made.
I would however suggest sitting down and examining why a specific gender (girl in this case) is so important to you. What is it about having a girl that you think is going to give you something you don't already have with your boys?
For Example (and I'm not saying this is applying to you at all): Do you want a girl so you and she can go shopping together or other such "girly" pursuits? What will happen if she turns out to HATE shopping? (I do and pretty much always have.) Do you want a girl to dress her in all the cute frilly clothes they have for girls? What if she doesn't like all those frilly things and would rather wear jeans and t-shirts all the time? As I said I'm not saying any of this applies to you ... just some things to think about. I've known women who wanted girls just so they could have a living baby doll to dress up so I bring it up just as something to think about.
I guess I'd also think about how many is enough. And at what point you'd accept that a girl isn't going to happen. Just some other things to think about.
But again, I wouldn't be thinking about any of this right now :) you're going to have your hands PLENTY full with 4 kids. Hope this was helpful.
N.C. answers from Norfolk on February 19, 2010
it isn't foolproof but have you looked at the chinese gender predictor calendar's available online? they've been right for myself and everyone i know that has checked. you look up mother's age at conception and it tells you which months of the year you can conceive a girl. not scientific, i know, but somehow seems to work.
best of luck.
J.D. answers from Washington DC on February 19, 2010
All I'll say is my Grandmother felt the same way....she just wanted a girl. Well, my dad is the 2nd of 10 kids. 9 boys and finally a girl.
It's your choice but as a mother of boys, you need to wonder why is it that you so very much want a girl specifically? I was hoping for boys and was thrilled when I found out I was having boy twins, but in the end, we love our kids no matter what so even if I'd had a girl or two girls, I would have been happy. And no, we would not have kept going as we knew we only wanted 2 kids regardless of gender.
I do wish you luck but please realize that you may never have a daughter and you have to come to terms with that.
D.W. answers from Indianapolis on February 18, 2010
Only you and your husband know if it's right to keep trying. We are fortunate to have one of each, but I was diagnosed with cancer and underwent chemo after the birth of my daughter, so I don't know if I should even remotely consider having another child. If something were to happen to me, I would hate to leave 3 children and a husband without a mother.
If your heart tells you to keep going, and you can afford it financially, come to a decision with your husband that is right for you.
If you're not sure, be glad you have 4 healthy children who you love and adore. Perhaps your boys will give you daughters one day, and you can spoil them as a grandmother. That's what my Mother in Law had to wait for (of course, she has 3 boys of her own, 3 grandsons, and 1 granddaughter).
P.W. answers from Dallas on February 18, 2010
I think it is too soon to even think about it. Don't worry and enjoy the baby to come. At some point you will know. I'd advise you not to worry what your family thinks. Don't worry about tomorrow. Focus on today.
K.H. answers from Washington DC on February 18, 2010
I am sorry that your have lost 2 children , I cannot even begin to imagine what that is like. No-one can tell you how many children you should or should not have , only you and your husband will know when you are done. You still have time on your side and number 4 has not arrived yet. If I were you I would talk to your husband and explain that at the moment you are feeling like you are not yet done with 4 , but you are happy to wait until baby is at least a year old & then re asses the topic then , you just don't know at the moment how you will feel 12-18 months down the line and what having 4 kids will be like , you may change your mind. I have 3 kids , and up until the 3rd became a walker I thought that I would like another , she is now 20 months and I admit that it is hard work & I know that I could not manage another child.
Either way though , it is yours decison.Do you know why you lost your daughters? If it something that is likely to happen again if you were to get pregnant with a girl , then that is something you would need to consider , could you take losing another child?
I wish you the best
M.C. answers from Washington DC on February 18, 2010
I'm sorry to hear about your losses. I've had 1 miscarriage and was heartbroken. Surviving two... my heart feels for you.
Since you've been able to conceive girls, we can say that hubby is not shooting just one brand. ;-) However, since those pregancies ended early, I would say that the chances of your body allowing a girl pregnancy to go all the way to term are probably slim. Although I'm not a dr.
What will you feel if you do get pregnant another time and its a boy? Will you feel like you should try for a 6th? How will you feel if you do get pregnant another time, its a girl, and your body rejects the pregnancy again?
If you were to become pregnant again, and the outcome didn't matter as long as its healthy, then by all means. If it were me I would stop specifically trying for a girl. If after the current baby were a certain age, if I still felt the need for a daughter, I would look into adoption or fostering.
A.M. answers from San Antonio on February 18, 2010
If you still have the desire for a little girl in your heart after #4 arrives I think you should go for it. Over the long-term five is not any harder than four kids. I have six including four boys. Over the short term (the pregnancy, the first year of post-partum) you may notice it is harder physically for your body to bounce back. I highly recommend having a naturopathic doctor check your hormone balances and your organ function to make sure they are all good. Don't base your family decisions on everyone else's opinions, consult your husband and God and go from there. If there's a girl up in heaven that wants to be in your family, she'll let you know.
R.D. answers from Washington DC on February 19, 2010
I am so sorry for your losses. I can not imagine.
I think as long as you and your husband want another baby, to go for it! I am one of 5 and loved growing up with a huge family. My husband and I have stopped at 3. I have a neighbor that is having her 6th baby any day and her oldest are 6 year old twins. She kept having babies for the sole purpose of having another girl. No other reason. The problem is that her only other girl is one of the twins, so they will be almost 7 years apart....and they will not be the best friends she is thinking they will be. But I understand the intesnse want for a daughter if you dont have one or a son if you dont have one. I wish you the best of luck inwhatever way you both decide. God will let you know what is right for you :).
A.H. answers from Richmond on February 23, 2010
As crazy as this sounds, if you're serious about having a girl, first go to eBay and look up the seller "mia-angel." she specializes in fertility "spells" and has specific ones for boys or girls. I thought this was a joke, but she was listed in Glamour magazine as being a "cure all" for tens of thousands of women that couldn't get pregnant (myself included, I tried for almost 2 yrs and a month after buying her "spell" I was pregnant, it also worked for a friend of mine within a month.)