Troubled Teen - Auburn,IN

Just one question from me, has he been seen or tested to see if he is Bi-polar or depressed? That could have a great deal to do with it also. However, if you decide to have him tested, I would watch closely what medicines he is given and how he reacts.

It definitely sounds like you need to tell him that it's time he starts taking care of himself. He's an adult now and is legally responsible for his own welfare. He needs to act like it. I'd start by charging him rent. He doesn't get access to computers, TV, phone, or anything until he gets a job and starts paying to live like every other person in the world.

He's 18, he's legally an adult now and you need to let him know that it's your house, your rules. Set a dead line for him to either re-start and finish his education or get a job or else he's going to have to find another roof over his head. I know that sounds harsh, but he needs to know that there are no free rides in life, and Mommy's not a free ride either. Let him know how much you love him and always will, but tell him that it's time for him to act his age.

Probably easier "said than done", but I'd SERIOUSLY consider kicking him out. Sounds like he can't follow the rules of the house so he shouldn't be there. It's equivalent to having a job there are rules we have to follow and if we don't follow them we get fired. That may motivate him to get serious about his life. Sounds like he also just has no reason to BE motivated. I'm assuming he has free room & board. Our motivation to go to work everyday is to survive (keep a roof over our heads, utilities paid, car paid etc.). I'd give him say 30 dys to make the changes YOU WANT towards improving his life and if he can't do it let him know he's gottta go. Have him sign a contract. I had two brothers that were the same way. My mom had to kick them out and they've since got jobs, there own places and they're doing quite well (they never went back to school, but we're hopeful they will someday) my brother-in-law was doing the same things your son was doing(starting at about 16) and my mother in law never put her foot down and where is he? Home at 32 with her no education, no job, and still NO MOTIVATION. He's perfectly okay playing video games, sleeping, and messing around with a car he has ALL DAY LONG. He just brings my mother-in-law down and it's a quite sad life she now has in her mid 50s. Please get the strength to have tough love. Realize that if needed, kicking him out is in HIS best interest. You are only enabling him to do nothing for himself if you don't put your foot down. Good luck and message me back if you have any specific questions. I imagine it would be a hard decision we certainly want to take care of our babies no matter what, but sometimes we over do it.

I worked at a group home for teenaged girls. You really are going to have to put your foot down and set some boundaries...Early curfews, no friends, chores for rent, etc. If not he will mooch off you forever and will never learn any responsibility....He is going to wait for you to do everything for him.... Be strong so he will grow up to be the man you want him to be....We all want to be our kid's friends and have them like us...but we cant.... we are their Mothers......

Here is something you can try.... Don't take him there make him get the bus and go there. Give him consequenses when he doesn't go....Let him know that he has to work for what he wants....The stuff he needs just does not magically appear.....I can look up more resources if this is not a good fit.
Address:
Indianapolis Urban League
777 Indiana Ave.
Indianapolis, IN 46202
Phone(s): ###-###-####
Fax: ###-###-####
E-mail: ____@____.com
Web Site: www.indplsul.org
Operating Agency: Indianapolis Urban League
Hours: Quarterly Mon.-Thurs. 9am-1:30pm
Description: [46202] The CareerTrack Program assist young adults in enhancing their life skills, computer skills, job readiness skills and provides career planning and counseling. Two training modules are used, employment readiness and career planning/career skills prep. The employment readiness training is 4 weeks long and meets for 4.5 hours each day on Mondays through Thursdays. All participants must complete the employment readiness module. Once they complete this, they meet with the placement specialist to assist them in job search. Those who are interested in getting into a vocational training program or attending a post-secondary institution also complete the career planning/career skills prep module, which is an additional two week training. CareerTrack helps young adults, ages 18-25 who are out of high school, find employment and/or provide modest financial assistance for them to acquire career skills/training. This program primarily serves low to moderate income individuals. While participating in our program, the young adults receive a stipend of $6.25 an hour for employment readiness and $6.75 for career planning. Trainings take place quarterly.
On Busline: Yes
Fees: None
Eligibility: Ages 18-25 with or without a high school diploma or GED.
Area Served: Marion County
Intake Procedure: Assessment, application and orientation.

Another good thing may be that as long as he in your house he needs to volunteer...Maybe at a shelter or a hospital or in an enviornmental way....My geolgy class volunteers for the community and they have them haul off trees and a lot of physical things for the envtiornment...The benefits of volunteer at the homeless shelter could be that he sees what his life could be like if he doesnt get it together!!

i agree with shanna. tell him that he is living in your house and if he wants to continue living there for free he had better get his GED, and then enroll in college or some sort of tech school. then he has to pass his classes. if he doesn't want to go to school, then he has to find a job and help pay the bills around the house...espescially if his friends are gonna come over and "hang out"...or more like mooch. if he doesn't like the new rules, then tell him he can find some where else to live. he's an adult so tell him he needs to act like one.

Not that I want to be the one to jump to conclusions but is your son and his friends smoking pot or doing some other drug? Lack of interest in school and therefore in life is one of the side effects of smoking weed. My mom told us,it isn't that weed is really all that bad, but that is makes you very unmotivated and content to settle for less than what you could have in life. My children are small and I haven't determined what my approach to the subject will be, but it sounds like you need to figure out why your son isn't concerned with school and his future.

hello and what about getting intenet like a school charter, i belive in some of the home school off the internet, they will let you kids up to i think 20 get the school done, i would look inot that maybe you get him help that way and he would finish. just a thought take care angelina

N.,
Your son is 18 and is making his own choices. Let him suffer the consequences. I know it will be difficult. We never want to see our children fall down and get hurt, but sometimes it is the only way they are going to learn. Give him a deadline to move out or begin paying rent. Be firm and follow through. You can not protect him from himself and it is not fair for you to have to take care of him while he is not helping himself. He will be fine. Most likely he will move in with friends and float around until he realizes everyone is leaving him behind. Be strong and let him know you beleive in him.
Don't cosign on an apartment...he needs to grow up and learn the error of his ways...until he does he will depend on you fixing everything for him and that is not your job.

Maybe this will help you and your husband focus on getting back together.

It seems like this happens a lot more now than ever. I definately think it's time for some tough love. You need to either sit down with him or write him a letter explaining how things are going to change. He's eighteen now and legally an adult so you are not required to care for him any longer and that is something he needs to realize. It sounds like he has the same affliction my brother had: "Everyone owes me something, everything is free, and nothing is my fault!" It is up to you to turn this around. Some tough love should do the trick. Good luck.

unfortunatly hes 18 theres not much you can do. i was your son at one point i dropped out at 17 after 9/11 i tried home schooling which was ok but my mother worked so she didnt make sure my work got done durning the day. but i ended up getting my GED and going to college and graduating before anyof my 03 class even made it to college. But one thing that i was told by my mother was if i didnt do school i couldnt live at home any more and there for i would have to pay full health and car insurance and it was sooooo much cheaper to do the family plan. so im not sure if hes living with you or even has a car or insurance but just a few ideas good luck!

speaking from experience from his end;i was the same way. kick him out and make him grow up or fail. if he is smart he will grow up quick. you gave him more chances than my parents gave me. time to let him go. it will be hard but it might be the eye opener he needs.

N.
I feel for you I really do. My oldest daughter will be 18 on the 28th of this month. We have told her that as long as she is in school she doesn't have to pay anything BUT when she graduates if she is not going to go to college then she will pay her way around the house. And we have also told her that as long as she lives here she will still abide by the rules we have laid down for her since she is not "legally" an adult and that if she doesn't like it she can find another place to live. My suggestion is like the other tough love time.....Tell he either gets his GED and furthers his education or he can get a job and pay a portion of the bills at your house including the groceries. If he doean;t like it, theres always the door..... Good luck to you

After graduating high school, I decided I didn't want to go to college. My parents gave me two options. I was allowed to live with them ONE year as long as I was working a job. I was working two jobs, about 60 hours a week total. After my year of living with my parents was up, I got the choice of continuing working and move out into an apartment and pay everything on my own or go to college. Needless to say, I chose college. I soon realized working that many hours a week to simply stay afloat in an apartment was not for me. Give him a deadline and some choices to make. It may be hard, but it sure motivated me!

In this case I would have to take everything away that he enjoys for free. If he doesn't work he must use you for fun. I would stop buying groceries, you eat out alone! Turn off the cable, he doesn't need it. Hide your piggy bank and purse!! Don't give him money for gas or let him use your car. Make him realize what a free ride he's getting at 18! Then you can help him get back on track. This may take awhile to work, but I'm sure it will. I was in my own house with my son, at his age. He should be ashamed of himself, for mooching off of his mother like that!!!

Honey I hate to tell you this, but guess what he is 18 yrs old now. He will have to make his own path. Just be there for support and encouragement. If he is not going to school, he will have to go to work. Good Luck

I haven't exactly been in your shoes, but my momther was with one of my brothers. You need to give him an choice, either get a job, finish school, or he can move out. I know he is your baby and that is harsh, but it is called Tough Love. There is a whole support group and everything for people like you. I don't know if you live in the SB area, but if you do let me know and I can get you the info. You are not alone, and it is time for your son to grow up and take care of himself. Hope this helps and like I said let me know if you need any info or anything. Sincerely, K.

Let him lie in the bed he has made. When I graduated from high school, I was responsible for paying part of the household bills. It wasn't a large part, just enough to make me realize the responisibily of being an adult. I wasn't allowed to sit around the house, I had to get a job. The job market is a hard place right now. Most places require at least a high school diploma. If your son is responsible for part of the bills and has to get a job making minimum wage, he may decide that school isn't so bad after all. How long have you and your husband been seperated? Is it possible that your son's problems started at the same time? Have you tried to talk to your son about his behavior? Maybe he's just acting out, trying to get attention. I can remember feeling invisible at than point in my life. Your whole future is looming ahead of you, and it's hard to make the decision about what to do with the rest of your life. Staying a "kid" with no responisibilities is far easier than actually facing the future and growing up.

Best of luck to you!!!

Hi N.,

This may seem harsh, but you need to make him either move out or start paying some household bills...rent, insurance, utilities that sort of thing.

The only reason I say this is I have an almost 30 yr old brother who my parents let loaf around and did most of the things that your son is doing and now still at almost 30 he lives at home with my parents, has a job when it is suitable to him and just lets my parent support him. And to make matters worse, he has this girlfriend with two teenage kids and when they decided to move in together instead of getting a place of their own they all moved in with my parents!!! My mom is misreable but just is too afraid to "hurt my brothers feelings" by making him be a grown up...

It is truly crazy the things my parents put up with! The still give him gas money and that sort of thing...

Put your foot down now!! Set ground rules for your house and be strict with them. It is still your home and he should contribute. If you let him sit around while you take care of him, he will let you!