Troubled Marriage?

Wow, I've read everyone's posts and everyone here posts from the wife perspective. Its interesting as I have another perspective -- The Single Woman At the Bar Who Sees These Guys perspective.

I was married to a man for eight years, we had three children. He never went anywhere without me and never really bonded with any guys his age, which was of course a big red flag of problems, but that's off topic.

What I am getting at is that once single and going out a lot, I saw a lot of married men hanging with their pals and socializing until late at night. I was baffled and read it as a lack of respect for their wives and families. Afterall, I would think of the mom at home alone with the kids while he's out having a ball. What's fair in that?

Reading everyone else's responses here gives me some perspective on that but...none of you brought up issues that I'd be concerned about and I agree with what some others have brought up.

First off, I'd make damn certain that husband recognizes and acknowledges all night that he's a married man with a commitment at home -- no wavering. The temptation, if he hangs at bars with a lot of single people is not good.

I knew of a lot of men that were married who ran with their buddies but never cheated at all, made it very clear they were out to have fun for themselves and had a family at home they loved. I couldn't understand why they weren't at home with their families, but I had great respect for these guys' integrity nonetheless.

Then there were others who would just as soon pretend they weren't married and were still roving bachelors. They seemed to love to spend the family funds on their own good time and have a very selfish and immature view of their own responsibilities, leaving wife at home alone to struggle with the kids while they "partied". Oftentimes a friend would have to cue me in on these guys' real lives as they would try to hide it from single women like me. These were usually the ones who went out nearly every weekend with regularity. That their wives would tolerate this behavior was always beyond me, but I only saw one side of the coin.

Back to your issue:

I'd suggest you do two things first off -- go to the counselor on your own. You will find some solace for yourself and have a helping hand in finding some solutions tailor made for your situation. The most important thing to remember is that we can't make people change, we can only change ourselves. How you want to adapt or adjust is up to you and a counselor can help you explore how to. Also, more than likely husband will become curious about what goes on with counselor and will eventually find a way to tag along. (Hint: You create this mystery by not telling him about your sessions, no matter how much he asks "Its confidential, I guess you'll have to come to a session sometime."). Husband may change, but only when he decides to, period.

In that vein, you accomplish nothing by fighting with him, arguing or pestering and reminding. You are attempting to change or convince him and this will not work. More than likely it will cause him to shut down even more or ramp up the behavior in an effort to assert that you can't control him.

Better to be proactive, focus on what YOU can do. What can you do? You can go out, you can set limits and tell him that you would like his help, but even if he won't help you have a backup plan and will do what you need to do regardless. Example: "Honey, I'm planning on a night to go out with the girls on either Wednesday or Friday, which night would you be willing to watch junior?"

You set the parameters, you have given him a choice (albeit a limited one).

If he refuses, "Oh, I was hoping you'd help out, but that's alright, I have found a sitter, it'll cost $30, but I think its worth it. Since you don't have to pay a sitter when you go out, I think its only fair that you pay half for my night out."

My dialogue sounds hokey, but I'm sure you can get my point.

There are many alternatives that you can sort out with a counselor. Please go find one pronto -- and set an evening appointment doing the technique above, "Honey, I know I've been angry with you a lot lately and its really stressing us both out, so I've decided to work some of this out with a counselor, I'll need you to watch junior -- which night would work better for you? Wednesday at 7 or Friday at 7?"

Set the parameters, make limited choices available. Have a backup plan if he refuses completely -- in other words, don't allow him to control your choices and options by his refusal to assist you in doing what is good for you.

Remember, you can't change other people, but you have all the power in the world to change yourself and that's the greatest freedom of all.

BTW -- Even if you really don't know anyone, you can find a sitter, find ways to get to know other moms in your area and start asking around. Call some daycare agencies, they probably know of people who babysit part-time, call call call and ask ask ask and interview many possible persons. You can find someone if you ask around.

Your peace of mind is worth it believe me.
Good Luck!

3 moms found this helpful

I am curious for more info. Is this a new behavior? Where does he go & who is he with? Is he driving while drunk? Can you develop a relationship with a local babysitter so the two of you can go out? Do you go out & have him watch your daughter? Sorry for the many questions but I think it will help us understand the situation better....

1 mom found this helpful

I think it is important to identify what in particular makes you angry. Do you worry that he will drink and drive? Do you worry about where he is and what he's doing? (Is he playing cards or pool with guys, or are they clubbing or going to strip joints? Are there other women where he goes?) Is he coming home at 3 am and then he's no help until noon the next day or later? If he's playing cards or pool, is he gambling money that you need as a family? Are you lonely because you are stuck at home and he isn't bonding with your new family the way you would like? Don't get me wrong, these are ALL legitimate issues, and you may be feeling them all, or some more than others. Once you identify the key ones, that will help.

He may be trying to cling to his youthful days, and may be having trouble dealing with his new responsibilities. Is this new behavior since the baby, or did it always go on? If he won't go to counseling, I think you should go alone You can work with a counselor to help to clarify your feelings and resentments. He can stay with the baby.

I also think it's fine to go out with YOUR friends and have some fun, if you are doing it for enjoyment and not just to spite him. You really SHOULD take time for yourself, whether that's going to a movie or for a massage/facial, or having dinner with a friend, or whatever. I feel it is important for each spouse to have their own time and own interests, and wanting some adult time away from the baby is perfectly fine and perfectly normal. You also should try to find a babysitter so that you can begin to have couple-time away from home. It's hard to leave a little one in the beginning, but there are great sitters around. Network with other parents to find them! You can also check into local colleges, particularly those with early childhood programs - maybe you can find some students with a strong interest in young ones. There may be others in your neighborhood who have adult babysitters or nannies who would want a little extra cash once in a while on a Saturday night or other night that they are "off" from their regular jobs.

The one thing I don't agree with is the notion that "boys will be boys" - there seems to be an old idea that men can engage in certain behaviors because it's genetically engineered. It's not - it's only socially acceptable as long as women accept it. Needing adult time is fine, but needing to party like a 20 year old is NOT.

Certainly the fighting/arguing isn't working, so it's time to take another tack. Good luck, and don't give up. This is important, and your feelings/needs matter!

1 mom found this helpful

Well, men are overgrown kids. 2X a month isnt bad i guess, but coming home at 3am is a bit much. Ask him to consider getting home earlier. Or is he not willing to do it? Well i suggest giving him his own medicine. Go out with friends, or by yourself & leave him with the baby. Stay out late, get a hotel room if you have to. He might react, he may not. See what he thinks if you do it. No 2 wrongs dont make a right but sometimes they're so blind to what were telling them, it takes a reality trip for them to get it. My husband has/had a friend he used to go out with. The guy had no small kids, divorced twice, etc. They would go out & drink & the friend would drive, they'd come back late & i would be mad. He didnt care. Well after getting water dumped on his head a few times when he didnt want to get out of bed & numerous shouting matches he gave up. We had small children who needed their dad more than his beer drinkin friend who only made matters worse. Friends who dont respect your family are not needed. Suggest family partys, all the guys spouses & kids. Maybe cut down to once a month going with the friends. Bottom line is family comes 1st. What if one day he has to choose?

1 mom found this helpful

The biggest issue for me from what you've written is him ignoring that this bothers you. I have had discussions like this with my husband and he also enjoys hanging out with the guys on occasion. On special occasions (a friend visiting from out of town) I just say go have fun and I don't care what time he comes home. When it's just his guy friends from around here, he never agrees to go out with them until he checks with me first (didn't used to be that way) and we talk about it. I do understand why you are upset. You are home with your child, not getting out enough and he goes out without a care in the world and doesn't seem to have any respect for you. You don't get as much sleep as you should because you are worrying about him and he wakes you up when he comes in and then you have to be super quiet in the morning to let him sleep in. It's a reason for a lot of hostility/resentment. Hopefully you can work some kind of agreement where he goes out less or comes in earlier if you can convince him to see your point of view. If he compromises and shows you that he does care for your feelings on the subject, your hostility level will go down and it won't be as big of a deal when he does go out. Good luck.

Oh, I wanted to add too, that you shouldn't tell him it's immature or ask him when he's ever going to outgrow it. I said something similar once to my husband and he looked at me like I had 10 heads. To him it's his only way to see/hang out with his friends because of his busy work scheudle. They can never get together for golf or any of those other "guy" activities. Women are happy socializing over dinner, playgroups, book clubs, chatting on the phone, etc. Guys go out - no matter how old they get. Hopefully he'll have more consideration for your feelings and compromise for your sake.

1 mom found this helpful

I hate to play devil's advocate but I would just let him go and have his fun. What's the harm. I actually wish my husband would do that more often to blow off steam. Boys will be boys, right?

1 mom found this helpful

Everyone needs their time away from home, and thats okay. But it sounds like hes going to the club if hes coming in at 3 am. Thats a bit too much for 37 yr olds, and I know so many women with this problem. You two need to compromise. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable/ insecure and maybe one of those nights a month him going out would be fine, but maybe a sports bar instead, and the other night arrange a sitter and go along with him. Its hard, but if its not worked out, it'll turn into a bigger problem, and he needs to understand that. And, remember, it's about compromise, not my way or the highway! lol Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

well...thats a touchy subject. Is everything else going well besides this one issue? Maybe he feels a little overwhelmed by his new role as dad and is trying to hang on to his life before baby??
If I were in this situation, I would not press the issue of his going out twice a month. Instead I would start to go out once a month with my friends for dinner and drinks. That way you too get to have a little fun without baby and he can take on full baby duties during that time. It is important for you too to get some adult time.
My only question/concern is that this is not the only issue happening.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,

I feel for your situation.

The best thing you can do is to see a counselor/talk-therapist on your own. You can bring our baby if your husband can't/won't watch her while you are in session. This way you are doing something for your self and your counselor can help you get a grip on your emotions and get the perspective you need. After that happens, you can ask for the tools you need to communicate and negotiate with your husband for your needs around his behavior. The issue doesn't seem to be frequency of his nights out--it's the length and his need to get "messed up" that is of concern. A therapist will help you separate all of this out.

If you can't afford a therapist, or if you need more support than a weekly session, you can attend a free Al-Anon meeting. They are happening at all times and there is no judgment there. Just support and learning how to deal. Don't worry about a stigma--just get over your own denial that he has a problem (defined as: his drinking is causing problems with loved ones) and learn how to get help.

I also recommend that you get out at least once per month with your husband (find a sitter!). You also should get out once or twice a month by yourself, even if you don't feel like it. Just a couple of hours at a movie or a free poetry reading or whatever. You deserve it and it will give you some sanity, perspective and, if you're lucky, your hubby will appreciate you all the more when you get back.

Of what I am certain, is that if you take positive action, you will start to feel stronger. Talking with your husband isn't working right now, so take care of yourself around this issue first! I am sending you courage...

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,

I have to begin by saying that I agree with Tammy, and Katie. I don't see anything wrong with him going out just two times out of each month to have some fun, and honestly, I don't see that this is childish at all. Fun is fun, and everyone perceives what fun is differently. If I had friends to go out with, stay out all night with, and drink some alcohol with and just let loose 2 times a month, by all means…as long as all priorities are still taken care of (kids are fed, taken care of, bills are paid and I don’t miss work).

My husband is also the same age, and has many hobbies that have been considered childish by many, many "women" (playing video games, and spending many hours on the internet, going out with his guy friends all night long). Call me crazy, but as long as his hobbies do not interfere with his helping me with our 3 girls...then I don't mind. I also decided to take interest in some of his hobbies so that I can spend some “fun” time with him. It turns out that I had a lot of fun. I began playing video games with him (on his play station) even though I'd never played before. He was so surprised and taken aback by my “interest”, because his video-game-playing had bothered every single other woman he had previously dated, that as a surprise to me, he went out and bought video games that I could partner up with him on, instead of single player games (which were all he had). In his way, this was his thanks for embracing his need to play, instead of getting upset with him for it.

He and I no longer live near friends or family either. We moved clear across the country from California to Connecticut a few months ago, and know no one. I can see the toll it has taken on him to not have some outside “man” friendship, or some hobbies outside of home. I was extremely encouraging when he befriended a guy at work who invited him to go fishing with him. I was exhausted with my 3 girls, and cooking and cleaning, but I still felt he needed to get out more. He’s now gone 2 different weekends, and took our 5 yr old daughter with him the second time around. He doesn’t drink or smoke, so I never worry abut his driving either. Our marriage is so much better when he gets some him time. (P.S. He also gives me some “me” time 2-3 nights a week, whatever I want to do).

L., I just think your husband needs his time away and I think that it’s pretty great that he goes only 2 nights a month, instead of every weekend. At the beginning of our marriage when he used to go out and I didn’t understand, both he and I didn’t get counseling (like your husband, he didn’t want to go) but we both agreed to read the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. This book has saved our marriage, and has kept us at our best during every obstacle we’ve come across. We communicate better, and distinctly understand why we do what we do as me, or women. I highly recommend this book.

I truly hope you and your husband work this out. It’s hard when family isn’t near by; I also know this first hand. It sounds like you two need some time to “date” again. It would be nice if we moms at Mamasource who live near each other, could actually help each other by watching each other’s kids from time to time, or even to have someone to talk to...or go out with? :o) You hang in there L.!

1 mom found this helpful

I have the same problem with my husband, except he is 44 and his "travels" really are only every couple of months or so. We have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. He has a partner in crime, a friend of his since childhoood. I am also best friends with this friends wife. The two of them together are "trouble". My friend and I have changed our way of thinking. We know that when they go out, they will probably be out late. So, instead of getting all upset about it, as long as we know generally where they are, and that neither of them drive if they are drinking, they take a cab home, they are grown men and they are going to do what they are going to do. Granted, I do get PO-ed at him when he trickles in at 3:00 in the morning, but I breath a sigh of releif and up he goes to bed. The more you fight with him, the more resentful he is going to get. Just explain to him that you need to be able to get in touch with him via cell phone incase of emergency and to please not drive if he is drinking. Also, I go out with my friends once in a while and we come in at 3:00 in the morning also. So, back off for a while and see what happens.

1 mom found this helpful

I have to second what many of the other posters have said. We need more info.

But just for comparisons sake my DH goes out about once a month with several of his friends and stays out all night. He even sleeps over his friends house so i will not see him till around noon the next day. He seems to need his "guy time" and I am more than happy to let him have it. He sleeps over b/c i know he drinks and i would rather he crash over there than drive home. I trust him 100% so... why not if it helps him?

1 mom found this helpful

What is good for the goose is good for the gander. I would find somewhere to go at least once and do the same as your husband. Maybe he would then understand where you're coming from.

1 mom found this helpful

Ok I have to agree with Aimee,we need a little more info...are you upset b/c he gets home @3am?If thats the case,is it b/c he goes "intown"and it takes awhile to get home?Or are you wondering what he does till 3am??I definatly can see how this would annoy you,are these friends married??If they are, could you suggest maybe going out as a group??(meaning with the wifes/girlfriends)so then you both are getting a break and still spending time together.I have to tell you,about once a month(well maybe every 2months)I go out with a bunch of my friends and usually dont get home till around 2:30ish...BUT...thats b/c we live in plymouth and i usually go out in boston,so it takes awhile to get home(its really not fun anymore b/c I am 36 and feel very old when I look around at all these young people and all I really want to be doing is be home sleeping)anyway....I wish he could at least comprimize with you,could he maybe have like "guys nite"and switch houses each month??Im trying to make you feel better but I guess I just need more info,so get back to us(or if you want just me)so maybe we can help you out!!Hope to hear from you soon!!Good Luck L.

1 mom found this helpful

Perhaps a compromise would be in yours and his best interest. I understand your concerns about him coming in so late and even going out Partying but perhaps you could talk to him and say that you understand that he needs to get away and spend time with his friends even though it makes you uncomfortable but could it be once a month and that he ocme in at a more reasonable time like midnight (or whatever you decide together). Also are you able to get out with friends? If not something else for you two to talk about. Maybe once a month you could go out with your friends and he could stay home with the baby. Also very important for you two to get out once a month without the baby. I would look into finding a sitter for your baby, perhaps a friend or a friend of a friend could sit for you?? I guess what I'm saying is compromise, respect and trust.

1 mom found this helpful

I can understand that you may get frustrated while he is out. But people need time to go out. I am a SAHM of 3 and I have to leave my husband once in a while or I feel like I'll burst! Maybe you could compromise and tell him only once a month and you should get a night out once a month for yourself.

1 mom found this helpful

L.,
I am in a similar situation... I too am very far away from family, and my 30 year old husband has many childish qualities remaining. I have very few local friends (did I mention I'm from the USA and living in Quebec...where I've not learned French yet?). I have very few people who can help with babysitting or other things and the few that I have I need to use for my daughter's Doctors appointments. So the only person I have to rely on is my husband... so when he isn't reliable it gets pretty rough.

My husband goes out about twice a month also, and 3am would be early for him to get home. Also, almost every night of the week he stays up until between 2 and 4 am playing games on our computer.

Honestly, the staying out late with his friends does not bother me since when he comes home he seems refreshed. It does bother me that I do not have the same opportunities since I need some refreshing too. I have found that small guidelines such as "if you'll be home after 2am please call me so I don't wait up" helps tremendously. He knows he is free to enjoy himself with his friends as long as he does nothing legally or morally wrong.

The area of biggest struggle for us is his computer game obsession. Despite my pleas for him to come to bed so I could get some sleep (we have 2 daughters that don't sleep much and wake up very early) he still does this behavior. If he didn't wake me up when he came to bed, I probably wouldn't get so upset, but I expect my babies and toddlers to wake me up in the night not my husband who is able to control his behavior.

Getting angry with him has not helped. Making ultimatums has made it worse. In the end sitting down for a calm communication for him to realize what my NEEDS are. I've explained to him that once and a while isn't an issue either, its just that every single night he's making it so I don't get the sleep I need which is leading to health problems. Helping him see that it is a problem that he CAN solve made a big difference too. (Guys like problems they can solve).

My suggestion to you is that if his partying twice a month is not causing any physical harm to him, you or your daughter that you should let him enjoy that time, and in exchange get him to watch your daughter while you go out and get some "me" time.

Everyone needs the opportunity to relax, and in the end my frustrations came out because I don't get to relax or go off with friends so impeding my sleep was what put us over the edge.

There are many ups and downs in a marriage that are completely normal. I think that what you are going through is normal. Find out WHY he enjoys being out that late at night. It will help you understand him better, and if you can express to him why it bothers you, then perhaps you'll both understand each other better.

Still working on my marriage, but yesterday was my 4 year anniversary and I'm thrilled he's still my hubby!

1 mom found this helpful

I have found that the secret to a happy and healthy marriage is to allow each of us to be our own person. It is important for me to have friends and go out and do things on my own as well as for my hubby to do this. We actually each get our own night out once a week with friends, to go shopping, or whatever! While I am very lucky and my husband does not drink I have no problem with him having his own time. As long as your husband is not driving under the influence or getting into trouble while he is out with his friends, where is the harm in it? Perhaps instead of arguing with him about his 2 nights a month you should negotiate to get your own 2 nights a month to do what you want with your girlfriends, especially if you don't have anyone outside to babysit for you. May I humbly suggest that you examine why it bothers you so much that he goes out those 2 nights? If he was going all the time, that would worry me as a wife and mother but a couple times a month to go out and let loose and have some fun wouldn't really bother me too much. As I said, as long as he's not being reckless, being childish once is a while is good for all of us. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,
I think you need a bit of Mommy Time. If he is going out every other month then you need to arrange an outing with your girlfriends. I think some of your resentment comes from having to stay home with the kids while he is out without a care in the world. You need to do the same. So, book a day at the spa or get together with your girlfriends and relax. If you think the night time outing is too much then arrange a monthly brunch with your girlfriends. Everyone can bring the kids to play together and the mom's can relax and share their lives and find out that they are 'normal'.
Take care,
D.
Mom of 4: girl 16, boys 14, 11 & 8

1 mom found this helpful

Hi,
My suggestion is if you rarely fight and he is not causing any harm to you or anybody else when he goes out, which you say is only twice a month, then I would agree to disagree. It could be way worse, you guys could fight constantly, he could be an abuser, etc... If it really is not a big deal, don't make it into one. I hope that in the rest of your marriage things are going ok and this does not bleed into the happy times I'm sure you both share.Good luck.
-A.

1 mom found this helpful

Hmmmmm. This is a tough-y. I have to admit, from what you have written, I don't know why you are as upset as you say you are. Therefore, I assume that there must be more to this story.
What do you mean by "party?" Does he come home so drunk that he cannot drive and ends up sleeping it off in bed the entire next day? Yes, that would be a problem. What about his "going out" exactly bothers you? 3:00 AM does seem rather excessive, but what time does he leave? What bothers you more--that he is going out to party, the exact activity/location he chooses, that he is going out to party with friends, that he is going out without you, or the specific friends he chooses to go out with?
Are YOU ever able to get out? If you aren't, this may be part of your problem. You are at home with your beautiful baby, and of course, you want to be, but that is all you do at this point. I am at home with two girls--4 1/2 and 1 1/2--and I know that I feel it. There isn't anywhere else that I would rather be, except when there is. My husband leaves the house to go to the office every day, and comes home each night. He says that he knows that he couldn't stay home with the girls like I do, but yet he has no concept of how important it is for me to go out. So, when he would make plans to be out, and I have to stay by myself with the girls during regular "family time," it can get on my nerves. I have started making arrangements to go out with some neighbors and such at least once a month--if not more if I can swing it--and leave him home with the girls. Even if I leave after their bedtime, I'm still out of the house, away from whining and crying, and able to be an adult who interacts with other adults. This is so very important to you and your relationship. If you aren't getting out, you start to really feel it. Try it. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I went out a couple of times--I was a much better Mommy for it!

Let me know how it goes. Is there any other info that you could send to me for me to help out any more?

1 mom found this helpful

L.,
So as frustrating as it may be, if that is the only issue you have or fight about you guys are in good shape. I think that maybe you should talk to him and make a compromise "you can go out with your friend, but come home at 1" I don't see a reason for a 37 year old man to be out till 3am, that is just ridiculous and childish. I am a 25 year old SAHM of 2 and I don't do that, I rarely go out and if I do, I make sure I am home at a decent hour (like 10 or so). I think that he needs to really know where you are coming from. Ignoring you or the problem will not help which I am sure you know. But try to compromise and see how that works out. I am wishing you the best of luck and hopefully your hubby will come around.

1 mom found this helpful

I also think there may be a little more going on here in your mind and heart - I have found that when kids come, the added responsibilities, time crunch, and general fatigue make it easy to feel resentment toward your partner, even if your logical side tells you not to. Are you angry that he's out late, or that he's not pulling his weight perhaps with the baby and the house? Is he encouraging you to get out and see your friends too? I can see how staying out until 3 a.m. might be seen as childish, but be sure that is the true cause of your feelings and not just a side effect of a larger issue. With kids, marriage has to be more of a give and take than ever. With my husband, I am much more willing to let it go when he is working on side projects at 5 or 6 p.m. and not helping me during the witching hours, as I try to bathe and feed two kids, keep them from killing each other, and make dinner at the same time! I do this because he always gives me the freedom to work out in the morning whenever I need to, see friends when I can, go shopping, whatever. We have that give and take and it works for us... one of my best friends thinks I do all the work but she's not seeing the other side - that he is there when I need him to be, and that's what life with kids requires.

All of this being said, it's too bad he is against counseling because it would help you, but don't give up, he may come around when he finally sees how much this gets to you. I have found that the more you fight, he will ignore you, because many men see the fighting as "nagging" on your part -totally unfair but very common. Maybe try another tactic - tell him you need to be freed up once or twice a week from now on to do YOUR thing, whether it's hanging out with your friends (kid free) or just sitting outside alone and reading. If you feel happier and more complete, you might actually find his partying doesn't bother you as much. As long as he's not putting himself in danger or not telling you what he's doing, of course. Good luck and let us know how it works out... it is tough to balance it all, I know, but it can be done with some effort and trial and error along the way.

1 mom found this helpful

I hate to side with your husband, but I am. If it is only twice per month, I would have to say that falls under normal parameters (well, mine anyway!) Also, as long as he is not driving & is behaving himself, maybe you could see that he enjoys going out with his friends. You should go out also - it is good to get away for a bit. Try to find a local babysitter & either go out with him or with some of your friends. It does a body good to get out every once & awhile!

Hi L.,
While I agree it is good for all of us to get out and have some fun once in a while I also agree that it has to be done responsibly. I had a similar situation with my husband going out for "a quick beer" all the time. Sometimes once or twice a week. Which, in my opinion is excessive. He was not responsible and would often drive home drunk and then spend most of the next day in bed leaving me to care for our son alone. It was extremely frustrating. I was so angry at him for putting his family in jeopardy and then being a lazy a** the next day. Everything came crumbling down when he was arrested for driving drunk when I was 8 months pregnant with our second. It was almost the breaking point of our marriage. Since then his behavior has changed drastically (thank God). He used to tell me to go out because he thought that was what I was mad about. But that did not resolve anything because I was mad at his selfish and reckless behavior, not that I did not get to go out. Excessive drinking is a very selfish behavior. I would suggest you see a councelor to talk about your feelings and how do deal with them. I hate to say it, but you cannot change his behavior, he has to be willing to change. In the end the DUI is what saved my husband. It was a huge wake up call. I do not wish the same thing upon you, but maybe a councelor can help you to find the words and strength to make your husband realize that his reckless behavior is wrong and needs to stop. Remember you are not alone! If I can help in any way, please let me know.

At his age and with a new baby, its time for him to grow up himself. Doesnt he have to go to work in the morning? If not, he should be taking turns getting up with the baby. And the excessive boozing is never healthy for anyone involved.

I think its important that you have a serious conversation with him and explain that he has a responsibility to his family, not the bar. Maybe its time that you put your foot down on the issue, and if it causes a fight, ignore him until he sees the light and comes around.

Once he's out in the bar scene all hours of the night seeing how much fun the single life appears to be, its all too tempting for him to lead the double life, complete with Mistress.....

At 37, it's not OK to drink excessively. It may mean he has a drinking problem (and he probably would deny it if it's only limited to these outings; but if he HAS to go, then it is a problem. Are the other guys he goes out with dads? I cannot imagine they are, or there are a lot of annoyed moms out there! He is likely 'escaping' into a young mans world; coping with a new baby can be very hard for men and this may be his way. Some miss the 'babying' they get from their wives, so maybe he is getting the attention he craves from other women? It may not mean an affair, just getting attention from other women at the bar, dancing, etc. I would definitely suggest you do the same with your girlfriends. If he freaks, there is probably more to his behavior that he is hiding...

L., being a good daddy ALSO means being a good husband. Your daughter's first understanding of what love is all about BEGINS with the two of you. The treatment that you accept from your husband is what she will view as being OK later in her own love life and you said yourself that it is not. He is not willing to go to counseling and that says a lot. I am not saying to get a divorce but this is unacceptable. He can still party and that is good that he has friends to get out with (hopefully your are allowed to do the same) but there has be a limit. Is he drunk when he comes home? If so, than clearly he doesn't care. In my opinion, when you have a wife and little baby to care for you don't go out and get all wasted. What if something were to happen while he was out partying until 3 in the morning?? No...I would tell him that this needs to change or else there will be serious consequences.