Troubled Almost 2 Year Old

Hey N.,

I totally understand how hard it is to adjust to your child morphing into a being you don't recognize. I've read some of the other advice, and I think you are getting some good suggestions. My two cents, for what it's worth, is to recognize that you are approaching (maybe already into) the twos, a time when children really start to assert themselves verbally (if they can) and physically, and that some kids hit and pull hair, etc... This is normal behavior for some toddlers, although it's unpleasant and needs to be modified. I agree with the nanny who suggested empowering your daughter with choices. I've used this with my almost 4 year old daughter and my almost 2 year old son with great success (not perfect success, but great success) I would not ignore my baby's cries. Babies are developing their "trust" abilities, and the more you meet their needs, the more they know they can count on other human beings to treat them with kindness and competence. Your daughter is at an age when she, on the other hand, can begin to learn a little patience and self-reliance when mommy's feeding the baby, etc...So, I'd make sure your daughter knows her behavior is unacceptable, when it is, and I'd give her big kudos when she's behaving in a way that is kind to her friends, the baby, you...In our family, we encourage "nice touches," especially after not so nice ones.

Hang in there. She'll be okay, and so will you!

I am a nanny and the 23 month old had this same experience at the birth of his brother. It was easy to see the reason in this case: he was very angry about the family changes that the new baby brought.

Baby is now almost 6 months old, and the 2 yr old still hits on occasion, but greatly improved once we began to offer him choices so that he could feel he had some control in his life. ANY choice you can live with. Examples: Which sink would you like to wash your hands in? Would you like to sit in the green chair or the blue one? Would you like to use this spoon or this one? Which shirt would you like to wear, this one or this one? Do you want to use the big potty or the small one? I find it fun to see what choices I can offer him! And it works.....at first he would look at me, almost like he didnt even believe he actually could make the choice, and sometimes, he lays his head on my shoulder or gives me a big hug, with "I love you" when he has been especially grateful for the choice. The hitting let up almost immediately, although when the occasion arises in which he didnt have the choice (and sometimes, there are those times), his frustration results in a striking out with a hit, but it is getting better. Those times I grab his hand, and say "People are for loving, gentle hands." I also talk to him about being mad, that it is ok to be mad that he has to ...........(whatever it is) but I tell him to say it with words, not by hitting.

Hope this helps.

Hi N.,

I am wondering if this behavior may have started in tandem with a vaccine that may have been given around the time your other child was born? Children born these days have a very heavy toxic chemical and heavy metal loads which is not helped by the heavy metals in vaccines. Heavy metals accumulate in our bodies and can have very deleterious effects on our behavior. Dr. Doris Rapp MD (H) is a pediatric toxicologist in Scottsdale Arizona who can shed a lot of light on this issue. It would be beneficial if you visited her website to learn more about this problem. It may or may not be the basis of what is going on but you can bet it is contributing.

Behavior modification techniques would also be helpful to you. I have worked with disturbed children at one time in my nursing career and can vouch that these techniques can work.

My Best. P. Wooldridge RN, BSN

N.: I can only tell you my experience. I have 3 children, my last two children are 15 mos apart. The mistakes I made and truly regret is that every time my new born son cried I picked him up and fed him or tried to meet his needs. My daugter was very jealous, as any
child would be. She was a beautiful little girl too, but really resented her brother coming along. I think part of it was because we pushed her into growing up too soon. My suggestion is that you don't always rush to the aid of the newborn (it doesn't hurt for them to cry a few minutes- I never wanted to let mine cry much) and let the 23 month old daughter see that you have time alone with just her, and that she is important. Or maybe tell her the baby needs fed now, or changed, or whatever and mommy will play, read or whatever to you in a few minutes (or whenever it is convenient to you). Please just make sure she knows that she is important still and special to you. Often, I think it is so easy to get wrapped up in the baby (especially when they cry), that we can forget (in my case that the 15 mos.. old was still just a baby too).

That's the best thing I can think of to have special time alone with just you and her, and make a big deal of it. I would continue to do this. My husband and I have days out with our three children. One day he will take one out by themselves and spend the day with them, next time another one alone, etc. Then it will be my turn to do the same.

Maybe if you are married (I can't tell my your email) have Dad spend some time alone with just her too.

It sounds to me like there is a lot of competition for attention with the other kids in the mix also. I would also look for things you can praise her about so that your focus is not
always on the negative (which is so easy to do). Maybe say words like I know you want to be nice to your sibling, cousin, etc. I know you are a good girl and that you will do the right thing. Sometimes if you stand over the child it will create a power struggle, but if you say I know you will do the right thing and not hit so and so because you are such a sweet girl, then walk away so she knows trust her to do the right thing.

Another suggestion I have I learned from Growing kids God's way. You don't always have to make her share every toy, it's ok to have some special toys of her own she doesn't have
to share. She can keep them in her room.

One thing that really saved me when my kids were younger was to do room time or blanket time too. I would pick out the toys/books I wanted my kids to play with and
leave them on the blanket with only those toys for a certain amount of time, you have
to work with them on this for awhile. You may start with 15 minutes and do not let
them leave the blanket/room. Eventually they will come to love room time/blanket. My kids really enjoyed it. It gave them time to have their space and think and create. I also
think it teaches them patience and how to be still and be creative with the toys they
are given.

We also would not allow them to play with the children they were hurting. We would put
them in another room/sit on a chair until they said they were ready to come back to the situation and not do any harm.

I hope some of these suggestions help. These are things that helped in our family.

God Bless you, take care,
K.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic Parenting classes. I am seeing remarkable positive changes in my toddler's behavior since applying the principles/ideas I've learned through attending Love and Logic classes. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful).

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.

My advice....make sure you are rewarding her for good behavior more than you are punishing her for bad behavior I firmly believe in timeout and spanking when appropriate, but sometimes when our children are going through something like this, we tend to focus on the bad behavior by giving them the attention they are looking for. I have done this once or twice myself, and as soon as I take a step back, and realize what I'm doing, things turn around quickly.

I'm starting to work on a reward chart for my daughter, something visual. Maybe setting up something for your little girl will help.

Good luck!

They're oldies, but goodies. I recommend both "The Strong-Willed Child" and "Dare to Discipline" by James Dobson. Her behavior is no doubt a phase both from being almost two and from your new baby, and perfectly natural; however, the phase will last much longer if you don't let her know in certain terms that the behavior is unacceptable. The two year old loves to challenge the limits, and unless you tell them consistently what they are, she will assume there are none. Dr. Dobson gives advice on loving discipline possibilities (including spanking) and also gives some guidelines for what behaviors she can truly take responsibility for. He also gives ideas for avoiding some of the conflict to begin with by using clear boundaries and expectations - and some chapters are sub-divided by age so you can find appropriate responses. I do love the idea of really focusing on positive behavior...sometimes all they want is attention, no matter what kind - My six year old is that way too. Good luck.