Trouble with Son Stealing.

My son, who has shown many signs of Aspergers, went through a diffuclt stage like this around 4/5. He still has a tendency to end up with things that aren't his, and this escalates during times of emotional stress and instability. He also has never taken from a store. He takes "trinkets" (some of them really strange - he once took a tire gage, a night light, various fridge magnets from his grandma's house, and broke his Great Grandmother's necklace to take a single ladybug shaped bead. He's taken plain marbles from school games, stolen people's graded homework to bring home "because he liked it") He seems to take things that remind him of something/one he likes or admires, or something that makes him feel safe. We never really grounded him for it, it was obviously a compulsive behavior - we just talked his ear off about how it was not something that people should do, how it makes people feel (others and him) and how it makes people look at him, and of course imposed weighty time outs in his room (My son HATES being isolated from others - not sure if it is just a thing with him or due to the large family, but being isolated is a big punishment for him). We also patted him down checking every pocket, etc before leaving ANYWHERE. Eventually he got caught *immediatley-ish* enough times and got talked to enough times that he gave it up. (It did take a while) We made sure everyone was on board and checking him before he left anywhere in their care. His great grandma was not only lying to us and making excuses for him, but she was noticing him taking things and just letting him saying "oh it's just a _______, it's no big deal." It took a long time for us to get her to stop and realize that she was hurting him more by enabling him and making him think he could get away with it, and then he was getting into so much trouble everwhere else. He was good too, his teachers didn't even know he was stealing, and when I would return something, they too would make an excuse for him. ie. "Oh it was probably just an accident" (I know my son, it was no accident) Honestly, enablers and excuse makers were I think the biggest overall problem we faced - all well-meaning of course...!! NOW, I realized at some point that my son favored small, palm-able objects, (pay attention to any similar characteristics in what your son likes to take)so I watched him carefully around these items when we were out, BUT more importantly, I also went to the store and bought him some toys I knew he would like (in his case pokemon worked great) that were the appropriate size. I figured that if he could keep them in his pocket, 1) it would help "fill up his pocket" and make there less room to store stuff he might want to take 2)fulfill his physical desire to have something palm sized to hold on to/play with/carry with him in a way that was acceptable 3)give him something to play with and/or distract him any time that he was feeling stressed or bored. At first, I would even ask him if he "wanted to bring his Pokemon" in case he got bored or something. I know you said your son's behavior is escalating, and I have a respectful consideration for you on that. As I said, based on my own experience with this issue I have found that it increases with feelings of emotional/physical insecurity, so my food for thought is that your reaction to the stealing might actually be feeding his need for it, as he feels perhaps like you don't like him, or that you disapprove of him as a person, not the behavior and you don't want him to be happy. (Silly I know - but there's a child's thinking for you) Also, he may just be really realizing that he is different from other kids (emotionally and with the ADHD and feeling bad about himself or like he's "broken" due to that. The stealing would be his (though difficult to understand) self-comfort outlet. I would suggest working on finding really good ways to build his self esteem (concrete things as well as confidence boosters and compliments) and really stressing to him that even though sometimes he makes choices you don't like that you always love him TOTALLY and DEARLY, and that as much as you want him to make good choices so he can be happy, no bad choice will ever change your feelings for him even for a second. I think with these combined approaches you may see some improvement. I assume due to the particular issues he has that he has a psychologist or doctor whose care he is under so it might be good to talk over some of the above with them or get some new ideas from your professional as well - though mine were not as helpful as I would have liked. The only answer they had for me was medication which I wanted to avoid if possible. Hopefully you will be able to find the answers that work for you. I know how embarassing and incredibly frusterating this can be, so if you ever need to talk/vent - feel free to message! Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, my name is K.. I also have a son with ADHD. He also did the same thing around 7 or 8 yrs old. I called the Police dept. and asked to talk to the D.A.R.E officer in charge of the school where my kids attended. He talked to my son about alot of differant things including why HE was so angry. It helped my son out alot.

Counseling is the best advice I can give you. Don’t let this go any further it may be the ADHD and then again it may be a cry for help. Something he feels he can not talk with you about or understand himself. Or he could possibly be OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) but than again it could just be him my sister took things from the rest of use and hid it in her room and would claim she didn’t have it even we were standing in her room with the object right there in front of her. She out grew it.

I have never had this problem before myself nor have I dealt with an emotionally impaired child so I don't know what advice to give. But I was wondering, have you thought about counseling? There maybe something deeper that needs to be dealt with that a professional could help with.

T.,
I am by no means an expert, nor do I have a child that suffers from ADHD or EI. From an outsiders perspective, it seems like perhaps his behaviors could be related to these things... I have found a book that offers wonderful solutions to help treat ADHD in a more natural way. I've suggested it many times on this site: "Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, ADHD, Asthma, and Allergies: The Groundbreaking Program for the 4-A Disorders" by Dr. Kenneth Bock. My nephew is on the autism spectrum and the courses of treatment suggested in this book have worked wonders for him. Best of luck! Your son (along with the rest of your kids) is lucky to have such an attentive mother!

I don't know how well it might work for his age but, when i was 3, I stole a pack of markers from the grocery store and my Grandma made me go back in the store and up to the cashier to give them back and tell her what I'd done...I've never stolen anything else in my life!!!

I am close to the same place with my 14 1/2 yr old. I will be watching responses for help also.

Good Luck!

Usually a child stealing small items from what I've read and seen does so for reasons they cannot explain readily. If counseling is available it's a route I'd take. It could be he needs to hide small things away in fear that the time will come when he feels everything is going to be taken from him. If items are only taken from people known, it could be his way of having something from them for him means they will always be connected, even though the person might reject him later. It could be an impulsive behavior because he just wants the item. Irregardless, if he cannot explain it to you, my guess is he may not understand it himself. If you can't afford a counselor, next time he sees your family doctor let him/her know about it (do not discuss it in front of the child) and maybe your son will be able to explain it to the doctor. Amazingly, children with ADHD often find it easier to figure out when discussing it with someone outside of the family/friend arena. Someone who they are less fearful of being rejected by. It's obvious your a caring mother who wants to help your son. Although as mothers we'd never reject our children, unfortunately children with special needs, especially ADHD, often have the fear. Usually ADHD children are constantly getting into something and often in trouble, so the fear of rejection is higher for them. They just don't understand the unconditional love we have for them. Another option would be a religious professional who are usually free can build the relationship so the child can work through the why they do what they do. Best of luck with this. Gee I wish each child came out with a handbook at birth but they don't so we can only muddle through these times, hoping the correct approach can be found.
As an advocate for children, I want to say thanks for caring so much for your child. I wish there were more of us that would reach out for the sake of our children.

PS make sure if you choose a religious professional make sure it is a pastor who is willing to counsel not preach to the child.

Dear T.,

I know this is the "pat" answer for something of this nature, but often stealing can be a sign for needing more attention. However, given your son's disability, there may be more involved. Do you feel comfortable about your son's friends? Can you talk to those parents to see if they suspect their childs' activities? And have you ever considered therapy? Often they know how to reach the child in ways we can't, and the child may find it less threatening to tell the therapist about it than Mom and Dad. I wish you the best and hope you find a solution. L.

Hi T.,
Wow, that is really tough, I'm sorry you are going through that. I had an issue with my now 10 y.o. son doing that, he actually took $ out of my purse. However, for us it was different, because he isn't ADHD and EI, so basically it was a severe punishment and a lot of lecturing. It never happened again. I'm wondering, with your son being EI, does he see a counselor? And if so, do you feel like he is in the best hands possible. If not, I would consider finding one and possibly if he is seeing one, maybe trying a different one to see if he receives better treatment. Good luck, and I wish I had more advice.....

At this point as it has been going on for so long; I would seek a professionals' input and advice. Your son may need to speak with a counselor/ therapist to 'get something out' or get to 'the root of something' more... Typically; these actions are to get attention; but if you delay this any longer, it may escalate to something worse (he may steal something with more value.)

Best of Luck and try to have as much patience in this trying time (as this factor's in also!)...

Hello T., You have your hands full don't you? I understand that your son has limitations, but even at an 8-9 year level, that is enough to be held accountable for his actions. Who is he going to the store with? He should never be allowed to go by himself or with friends, and should be told that it is because he can't be trusted. Let him know that trust is earned, not freely given. If he is with an adult, he should be searched before leaving any store. If he is caught with something, either right away or after getting home, he should be marched to the manager of the store and be make to give the item back AND pay for it also out of his own money. If he has none then he should have to work to earn it. Until this behavior has a negitive effect on him directly he will continue to do it, because he is getting attention, even if it's negitive attention, by doing it. Rather than rewarding him with attention, he should not get any at all if he is being bad. If he is in time out in his room, just like no toys, nobody should be yelling or talking to him. Don't even look at him. Just pretend that he is not there. If he leaves the room, quietly and calmly take him back. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Consistancy is very important. His time out should begin anew each time he leaves his room. I used a kitchen timer. After his time out, while doing routine things, talk to him about how his actions effect others, and what could happen to him in the future if his behavior continues. This is the time for attention. That said, it sounds like your son has some anger issues that he doesn't have the maturity level to deal with. Maybe while he is being good reward him (he should receive more rewards then punishments, so look for good behavior)with activities that are more physically active to burn off some of his ADHD energy. If he likes video games, buy him a WII so that he is physically active while he is playing. And try to find somebody that he can talk to about his feelings. Due to his issues he will be more open to talking to a male therapist who does play therapy. My son didn't have the issues your son has, but did have Post Tramatic Stress from a severe accident he was in. So there were many fits of anger and violence. I learned that he would open up and talk to me ONLY when he was being physically active. So I would shoot hoops with him while we talked. Or roller-skating, bike riding, etc. The play therapy worked when all else failed. He is now 22 and not showing any more symptoms of his disorder. I hope that my experiences can help you with your son. Good luck.

you should take him to see somebody to talk to about his problems. That might help him. You should also sit him down and talk to him your self. I hope everything works out.

Use the golden rule: do one to others as you would want done to you. Everytime your son takes something, take something of his, only make his something he really likes, not something small. Also, with an EI child, you still have to treat them as a normal child. If he is mentally 8-9 years old, then treat him that age. Don't let him "take advantage" of his disability. I know that sounds harsh, but in the long run it will work out. Also, talk to your/his doctor to see if he thinks your son needs counciling. Good luck.

My daughter tried it but it was with a store. I drove back to the store and made her return the item herself to the manager and apologize. This embarrassed her enough that - to my knowledge - she has not done it again. As punishment, I also kept her 2 feet from me everywhere we went for about 2 weeks and told her it was because I couldn't trust her not to steal and I stopped at the store entrance each time and made her turn out all her pockets in front of everyone everytime.

If you try the same practice, it might work. My daughter does not like to be embarrassed. If someone asks, I explained exactly why I was doing it. Anyone can see the need and she learned her lesson all the more.