Trouble with My Spouce

V.:

Like the rest of the other responses, it will not be healthy for you and the children to stay in that relationship. What I did was move to my parents until I was able to get back on my feet. It was very hard for me and my 1 year old at the time. TIME HEALS ALL PAIN. We got through it and I know you will too. Take it one day at a time.

I could have written this myself. I'm sorry you are having to deal w/this. I have learned that staying will make me miserable. Why make myself miserable?? I hope you do what is best for you. Good luck..

You have to put God first and let HIM lead the way. You have to do what's best for you and that will be best for your children. God Bless and stay strong.

I believe in the power of prayer. Pray, pray & pray. Nothing is too little, big or silly to put before God! I'm a living witness, He can restore your marriage, not if you believe & be patient. Pray for wisdom on how to resolve conflicts, giving you specifics might be lengthy for this email, but again I'm speaking from experience, from a complaining/nagging/never satisfied hubby to a completely loving, gentle & caring & honest man. It took time (mine about 3months, yours might be different) perseverance & lot of praying. Ask your yourself sincere questions, seacrh your heart also, willing to stay married to him??

V., I don't know where you live but instead of asking your husband to go to counseling, why don't you tell him that "we are having problems" and that you are not blaming him at all. That you value him and love him and that having children, a marriage, renovating a home, and work has put stress on both of you. That you would like to seek help with him so that you can work on your marriage together.

If you live in the Chicagoland area I know some excellent marriage therapists for you to choose from. Two are on the north side of Chicago and one is a general therapist who works in Glencoe. Let me know if you want their information in a private message.

M., Retired Professional Counselor
www.children-and-divorce.net

I no its hard. I had the same problems but my husband cheated on me. I stay because I wanted my daughters to have both parents. Not sure if it was the right thing to do because I believe I was the one that got hurt in the end. It was hard at times but I just put myself into my daughters. Think of your daughters first. Try and find a good church and just keep praying. My daughters are now 19 and 20 and they are ok. My husband is out of the house and its ok. God Bless.

Abuse in any form is not a good thing. You have done the right thing by moving out. Do not be scared to be on your own. It will be difficult but you will make it. Just stay strong and keep your faith and self-confidence. You do not have to keep your daughters away from their father but I would have set visitation.
What kind of image will you portray to your daughters about relationships and how a women should be treated if you continue to expose them to an unhealthy relationship? You have to show them a positive self-image.
Be proud of the fact that you have started your own business and know that you will be successful in that endeavor.
When you love someone it is very difficult to leave the situation. But you have to do what is best for all concerned.
I have been in your position many years ago and it was hard for a number of years but I held on and always remembered that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
I pray you find peace.

If he won't go to counseling with you, then you should tell him that you have found a marriage counselor and that you are going with or without him. Chances are that he will go with you because he wants this therapist to get his side of the story also. And if he doesn't go, at least you will be able to discuss these issues with a professional who can hear your whole story and advise you accordingly. Once you speak with someone, the answer of what you should do will become more clear.

My first advice to you is if you aren't already attending a close-knit church, start now. My church family has been my biggest support throughout my last couple years (child and grandchild-related issues).

Next, you can't make the decision for him to go to counselling, but going on your own will help you. He's not going to get help until he sees that he needs help. Which may never happen. You however are at a point where you do know you need help. So, my next advice is to start going to counselling. Don't wait for him.

Also, my ex and I split up when my daughter was about a year and a half (that obviously was many years ago, since I'm a gramma now). At first I wasn't so sure I could provide for my daughter without him, and there WERE many times we went without something or other, but I did it. I didn't even get child support from him. Life wasn't always easy, but there was always food on the table, warm clothing on her, a roof over our heads, a reliable (albeit old) car.... And another thing about when we split up - when I made the decision that it was over, I know just making that decision relieved alot of my stress. At that point, my daughter's once "bad" behavior changed, because she sensed my relief, she knew that I was okay then, and therefore she wasn't stressed anymore either. Maybe that's what your 5 year old is feeling as well. Even at 5, children don't know what to do with their emotions, how to get it out, so acting up, or misbehaving, is what manifests.

I wish you well, no matter what your decision, and you will be in my prayers.

V., I really feel for you. You must do what it takes to set a good example for your girls. If you stay with your husband then the girls will grow up thinking that its ok for a man to make demands on them and be abusive. Take all the support you can get from your parents and friends and get out. You can always seek counseling for your 5 year old to help her deal with her feelings.

I once had the same question about my two boys when things were bad between their father and me. should i take their father away? but i then relized i did not want my boys growing up thinking thats how a man should behave. (my ex was out cheating, drinking, spending money we didnt have, till all hours of the night.) my kids were young 4 and 2 when i left. i didnt have any money either and it wasnt easy. but we have been much better off since. they see their father every other weekend and wed. nights. we did have our struggles in the beginning, but things are good now. your daughters will show some changes, they are stressed too. but if you stay and things dont change they will fell your stress and may have their behavioral problems anyway. i'm not saying you should leave, that something you have to decide on your own, but dont think you are a bad mother if you do leave. my boys and i have been better off. i'm now remarried with a daughter and a great husband. good luck!

It's NEVER good to stay in a bad relatoinship -- and certainly it does not benefit your kids in any way to see you unhappy and abused. Be strong and show yoru girls that you love them and want the best for them AND FOR YOURSELF and get out. I am single mom with two boys and we have been on our own for nearly 3 years. I own a business and we are flat broke, but our life is so much better without a crabby and brroding husband around (that's how he was when he was here, which was almost never). There are many public assistance programs, from WIC for staple groceries to AllKids public aid health insurance to free lunch at your public schools when your kids get there, to scholarships to most after school activities. You just have to realize what is important and get people around you whom you know and trust to help you with your kids. Good luck. I KNOW you can do it!!

You should still seek counseling on your own. Many towns have a sliding scale for their rates, meaning, it wouldn't cost you much. Staying in an abusive relationship is never good for the children. You may also want to consult an attorney - they may tell you that you shouldn't leave your home, he should, so that in the unfortunate event of a divorce, you have possession of it and can control what's yours to keep out of all that's in it.

Good luck & God Bless you in this.

Wow! I can't believe some ppl think staying in an abusive relationship is a stable family unit. Do you really want your girls to think it's ok for women to be treated that way? Not to mention the emotional stress of seeing their mother be treated that way. I agree with the poster that said to say "we" need to get counseling. If that doesn't work I think you should leave. My SIL went through the same thing...her daughter was having major behaviour issues. But after being away from her "father" for awhile (he has NO visitation rights) she is a sweet well behaved child. Her life was hard for awhile, but now her and her daughter are happier than they ever have been. Good luck, you will be in my thoughts!

It's hard to answer not knowing a few things, so if I suggest something and in your situation, it would not help, ignore it. Excuse me if I play the religion card, but most of the suggestions I have are also accepted universally. 1. you can only change yourself and believe it or not you are responsible for your feelings and your reactions (that came as a huge surprise to me, but they were right)Don't waste your time on finding out what is wrong with your husband, he won't believe you, his family might not believe you and most male couselors won't give it any weight. So, what is the splinter in your eye? Try to grow thicker skin.Does your voice get whiny, or loud? Practice talking to him in your imagination as an adult who is trying to be reasonable. Don't expect him to see that you have changed, he won't. If he talks to you like a 5 year old that's because he has never learned to talk as a reasonable adult in a stressful situation or one of conflict. He might learn from your example, but don't expect it. This will be an unfair situation from the get go but you are willing to accept it for the sake of your children. 2. I believe the kids are better off with a dad, as long as he is not abusing them. Don't argue. Esp, if they can see or hear you. What you are aiming for is for them to see you respond in a mature manner to his demands. It will be a process, cut yourself a little slack when you don't do so well. In other words, treat yourself as you would have him treat you. 3. Think about things, go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet to get away if you have to. 4.Someday when you're feeling kindly toward him, try to see things from his point of view and find something he is doing well that you can sincerely compliment

Taking their father away sounds so dramatic. Is that really your intention? If so do reconsider. However if finding balance for your life is the goal and intention that sounds clean.

The advice we give if often the advice we need. Get counseling help for yourself and the girls. You certainly deserve the best chance for a good life and that of your children. He may find a more balanced "you" is much more difficult to demeen and manipulate. You may find it empowering. Your daughters will be better women to see healthy resolution of this difficult situation and now while you are out of the family home may be the best time for such intervention. All the best.

V., you need to think about your girls first and foremost. They see this happening and eventually they will think that it's okay for them to be abused, whether is verbally or physically. You have to put your foot down and stand up for yourself, for your daughters' sake. Get a divorce. It sounds like your parents will stand by you. Have you written things down on paper of the various occassions that he's been abusive to you? This would probably help you out in court. You don't want your girls around this man. If he abuses you, how long do you think it's going to be before he starts on your daughters? I hate to say this, but it's definitely a possibility. Stay with your parents while you get yourself on your feet and give yourself and your daughters a better life. You deserve it!

If you go back to an abusive man, what will that be teaching your daughters?

Children have gone through divorces before and gone on to be wonderful adults.

Take care of YOU and the rest will work itself out in time. Go back to school and find a way you can make it without depending on a man. It will be well worth everything you do to get independent.

If you help yourself, others will be more than willing to help you, too.

Good luck.

V.,
Contact family dynamics at http://familydynamics.net/; as soon as you can. I have been married for 12 years, and we made a mess of things for the first 7 or 8 years. We perfected the art of fighting and were miserable. We were on the verge of a divorce, when I read about about a "Marriage Dynamics" class that our church was offering. I found the lady running it, she said the class was full, but another would run in 6 months, I told her we won't be married in 6 months, long story short, someone stepped down so we could join; under any other circumstances, I would never have accepted such a generous offer, but we were over and I was sure there was no hope. The class ran for 8 weeks. The details are quite long (if you want to talk about it in detail you can email me directly) I'll be happy to share. It changed our marriage and we wouldn't be here today without them and I can't say enough about the wonderful people behind the scenes. Do NOT give up, I promise you, there is hope. And reaching the other side of chaos, is not easy, but worth the walk. Please call them.
L.

I think you should go to counseling and show him that you are a big enough person to go. He won't then have anything over you. It is also be helpful for you to learn to communicate with him without feeling inferior. So if you build yourself up he will see that you are his equal. Then in the end if divorce is your only path you will have a counselor in place to help you emotionally.
Also, I have not been through a divorce but our neighbors/friends are going through one now. It appears very difficult for everyone, not just the children. So please try to truly make it your final option, not just because you are mad one day.
Good Luck!

You do not want your girls seeing you treated this way. Would you want one of your daughters to be in a relationship with a man who would treat her so awefully? Show her that it is unacceptable for a man (even Daddy) to treat you this way. When he learns respect for you, only THEN should he earn the right to share a home with you.

well let me say a few things..im also a single mother of 3-ages 19-16-& 15 and have done it without my ex's help since my youngest was 6 monthes old---due to the same reason.he always was downing me..
so i left because i did NOT want my children thinking it was ok for anyone to talk to me like that--because thats what will happen.your children hearing your husband talking to you like that seem to them it is ok..
your daughters are going to grow up thinking that is the way a husband is suppose to treat there wifes..

Staying in the abusive relationship is NOT the better choice. It will probably only get worse. My mom stayed in a very verbally and mentally abusive relationship for 30 years and finally just got a divorse about 5 years ago. She also thought that she wouldn't be able to make it on her own with us kids. But it sounds like you already have your parents to help you, so I would definetely get out while you are still ahead. My mom suffered so many years and now, in hindsight, she realizes that she would have been strong enough. Don't let your daughters see your husband treat you like that. It can have one of 3 affects later in life with thier future relationships: it could make them see out abusive relationships since that's what they grew up with. Or, it could have a positive affect in that they will be very strong and not let a man treat them the way thier father treated you (which is the effect that me and my sisters got). Try to suggest counseling again, but if he doesn't think he has a problem and that it's you....just like you said....do what is best for your girls. Get out! Your family and friends will help you! The best of luck to you and my prayers go out to you!! :)

V.,

I went through a divorce a few years ago with 2 small children. At the time my daughter was 3 and my son was 1. They were younger when we split. It was still a difficult time, but what is best for your children is not always to stay together. If it will make you happier they will see that. I recommend counseling for your 5 yr old and even a Broken Priomises course held at many local churches. We all are much happier. When I left their dad I was a Stay at home mom with no income. I relied on friends and family for support, but we got through it and are much better know because of it. I am not telling you that you should or shouldn't but please do not stay together for the kids. That is definately not a reason. The kids can still have a healthy relationship in a divorced environment. One thing that was requested of me by my counselor was to create a Pros and Cons list. It sounds corney but it really works. Also seeking professional help is great for you as well. With money constraints I understand, even some churchs have counseling that may be free of charge to you. Please hang in there and stay strong for the little ones. Don't talk negative about the other person in front of the kids and keep your chin up.

I know your feeling all to well. Iam a single mom of 4 children. And even though it is hard to be alone sometimes it is the best cause the kids do not need to see the way your husband treats you. Boys will grow up thinking they are suppose to treat thier partner that way and girls grow up think they should be treated this way. Kids bounce back and even though it is h*** o* you divorce may be the best cause if you are not happy you will not be happy for your kids and the kids know when there is something wrong. And if he is not willing to go to counsling you cant make him. I live in Hanover Park and Iam willing to talk to you when ever you want.

T.

Hi V.:
Your children do not deserve to be raised in this type of environment. If your husband is refusing to go to counseling for help with you, without you or as a family then I would seek a divorce. Children pick up on everything even when we think they aren't.
Is there any way your family can help you get on your own two feet?
M. H.
Divorced for 6 years and single mom to an autistic teenager who will be 16 next month :-)

hi V.,

You are right to be scared about being on your own - it's not going to be easy. I've been divorced twice and being a single parent is extremely difficult. You can expect to have to sell your home, divide any equity and - you are going to have to get a real job unless your parents are offering to support you on an ongoing basis. Child support will not be enough.

However, divorce can be a good thing - I know you want the best for your girls, but what you really might want to consider is wanting the best for YOU. When you look at yourself in the mirror each day, try to remember that THAT person deserves to be loved and respected and resolve to never settle for less than that again (your girls need for you to be a happy person so you can be a good Mom). So, what you have to answer for yourself is - are you better off with him or without him? (to quote Dear Abby) :-)

Please seek out a counselor - once your husband learns you are going without him he will eventually want to go in order to tell 'his side'. And, later on when your girls are a little older at least you can assure them you did all you knew how to do to save the marriage before giving up. You have invested eight years with this man, you must have seen something in him that you loved at some point - try not to push that aside if you can. If he is being emotionally abusive, there is no excuse for that - but he can get better (yes, they really CAN CHANGE) but only with counseling.

Also, don't mean to scare you - but have you sought legal advice yet? If you are in the residence when you go to court, you are more likely to be awarded the residence since the children should not be denied their home. On the other hand, if you are not in the residence, your husband could be granted the residence and he can take his sweet time selling the place (been there). You can file and have your husband removed within 48 hours and move back in with your girls, doesn't mean you have to go through with the whole divorce, but at least it would get you and your little girls back into your home and maybe provide a more familiar routine for them. Please be careful - if you do return to your residence and he's still there, do not leave and go to your parents and leave the children with him - this can be viewed as abandonment.

Just my two cents - been there, unfortunately - I know it's a very hard time, try not to worry yourself into indecision. Make your decisions *TRUST YOURSELF* and then take action and you will be just fine.

hugs,

W.

Your hubby is right about one thing, you do need counseling. We often think that the abuser is the one that needs counceling and that is true, but they aren't the only ones. You and your kids would greatly benefit even if he doesn't go. It will also help you to clearly sort out all of these questions. Take care and be strong. You need to set a healthy example for your kids--get counceling today!

Making the decision to leave your husband is a very h*** o*e, especially if you have kids but you really have to weigh the options of staying or leaving. If you stay, the way he makes you feel will come out even if you try to hide it from your kids. Some times, at least for me I have found my self angry at my husband and then I take it out on my children. They will do something small and I react like it is huge. I am currently going to school and have studied the results of kids going through divorce. In most cases children will go through a major chance in the begining but will benefit in the long run. Instead of living with anger and seeing their mother being belittled by their dad for years. I should know I went through a divorce with my mother and this day have respect for her for sticking up for herself. In a lot of cases men think that the wife won't leave and they think that they can do what they want. Or if they were raised a certain way, they don't even see it. If you have tried to talk to him and he still doesn't see it and refuses counciling. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. You will have to change the way of life you're use to however there is help out there for mom's in your situation. Housing is available, he will have to give you money for support of the children and for you since he was the supporter. He will also have to supply insurance for you and the kids (if he is currently) and you can have the papers drawn up for him to supply the insurance for years affter the divorce. There are grants out there especially for women starting their own buisness. Anyway just some ideas to think about. It will be stressful at first but keep an open comunication with the kids and let them know it is not their fault and that some times people fall out of love and that is OK because the love for your children will never die because they are made up with a part of you and your husband. It is hard but you will have to keep telling them that their mommy and daddy love them very much. When people divorce it is easy to talk bad about the other spouce and if it is possible to talk to him, tell him that no matter how the two of you feel you should keep it cival for the kids.

If he won't go to counseling, you should go on your own. It will help having input from a qualified party. You may learn ways of expressing yourself to you spouse in a different way. Which in turn may help him relate to you in a more adult manner. It's worth a shot.

V.,

Only you can determine if the marriage is worth saving. As for the kids, I wouldn't really look at it as you are taking their father away from them... I hope if you two go to divorce, that you will recognize how important it is for these girls to have their dad in their life as much as possible.

going through a divorce is tough... you will have so many ups and downs... but if you make the choice to leave, then dont confuse your kids by going back and forth. leave and stay gone, even if your husband 'promises' he'll change, and he wants you back and you're such a terrible mother for tearing apart the family...(they will say anything to make it your fault and make you feel terrible) seriously, if you want out, get out and stand your ground. If you choose to stay, consider getting therapy for yourself... you can't make your husband get therapy unless he wants it... but i think everybody can benefit from a little therapy, if for no other reason, just to help themselves deal with their life. I know that in MY situation, I was very very unhappy in my (first) marriage... I was being treated at the maximum level of antidepressants (my doc told me, if we increased my dosage any more, he was required to have me sent to an outpatient mental facility for treatment... that was a wake up call for me - to figure out where my depression stemmed from and fix it) - I was not a good mom... i didn't enjoy life, i hardly smiled, i had a short fuse, i didn't read to my kids, i didn't want to play with them... i knew that i had to make changes, for their sake, me staying with their father, was NOT in their best interest. within 6 months of leaving him, i was off the antidepressants... i was loving life and my kids seemed to be enjoying their new mommy!

I don't want to confuse you though... going thru a divorce is tough, but only you can minimize the affect it has on your kids. my kids are now older, and they see why i left their dad... he hasn't changed.

So good luck with whatever you choose to do. sometimes the best choice, isn't the easiest choice. my new hubby taught me this and it gets me through tough times...

'nothing in life worth having is easy to attain'

~J.~

Staying in an abusive relationship (any kind- physical, emotional, verbal, etc) is never good for you OR the kids. It's damaging for them to see that kind of relationship in their parents. They grow to think it's ok to be treated like that and treat others like that. You said you've seen changes in your 5 year old's behavior already. If your spouse isn't willing to go to counseling and work on making your relationship a healthy one, then a divorce might be what you need. It will definitely be tough, but it seems you have support from your parents. Just remember that you are worth better treatment and leaving an unhealthy relationship is the best thing you can do FOR YOUR KIDS. They get to see that you are strong, independent, and stand up for yourself when you're being treated badly. I wish you the best of luck, dear.

My husband refused to go to counseling so I went without him. My therapist told me things would improve even if I was the only one seeking help & they did! When my husband saw the change in me he wanted in. Marriage is challenging & we all go into it clueless. I don't know how people make it WITHOUT counseling.
Luck to you!

Remodeling is very stressfull! I'm glad your out of the house for now.Unfortunatlly the 5 year old is picking up on all of the negativity between you and your husband.If a man that cannot see that the conflicts are a shared effort,and says your the one with the problem, is in fear of being wrong or out of line.That is ego and could be seen as a controlling attitude.The respect is breeched if he is abusing you from any level.for your childrens sake come to an aggreement for some sort of care.Or the current state of discomfort will continue to increase.Stay away and get some counceling on your own.And know that you can do anything on your own as long as you are passionate about it.The children are better out of conflict.
My ex started in a simmilar way.My daughter was 1 and I left for a while,2 weeks till I was begged to come back.First it was verbal very disrespectful then physical.By this time I felt I was not good enough for anything or anyone.9 years of sadness before I got out, a broken women with an equally confused 7yr. old.Triing to start over with nothing much.10yrs later I am doing alot better my daughter still has alot to work through. If I could do it again, I would have left for good when she was 1.Good luck most of all take care of yourself, because if your are a mess the kids will be too!!!!!!

Hi V. - I am a therapist in private practice and see this type of situation all too often. I would recommend that you do seek out counseling on your own - if your husband won't come with you, the least you can do is help yourself. Going to counseling can help you to examine your situation in a different way and really figure out what is best for you and your children. Right now you are too deep in the situation to really pick it apart and see where to go next. You are in a safe environment and you have a roof over your heads, so take a little time to evaluate things with a therapist before you make any final decisions. Perhaps a divorce is the best alternative, but maybe not...it's fine to seek out some legal advice, but don't rush into anything without being sure that is what you have to do. If that is the decision you make, it will be tough, but it will be okay. You can manage this...don't doubt your own strengths and abilities to overcome the difficulties you face.

My practice is listed as a business on Mamasource - contact me if you'd like. If not me, please find someone (a professional) to talk to.

A.

I am a counselor specializing in women's support and wanted to offer my services to you. If you are in need of assistance while you deal with this difficult time I would be happy to help. I offer individual therapy and couples counseling as well as divorce/separation support. My office is in Schaumburg and you can email me at ____@____.com or visit our website at www.owenscounseling.com. I wish you the best as you move forward.

I am a mom of a 17, 14, 5, and 2 year old. I divorced when my older two were 5 and 3. It was very traumatic for my 3 year old. He didn't adjust well and the first year was really awful for all of us. I was blessed in that I had a very supportive family. My X was verbally abusive only to me for years. I struggled with taking the boys away from their dad. But in the long run, it was more important to me that the boys grew up not thinking that the way their father treated me was "normal" and okay. I don't ever want to encourage anyone to get a divorce, and you need to know it won't be easy. No matter what, he is still your children's father, and you will have to deal with him the rest of their lives. If your husband won't seek counseling, it would be a good idea for you to go on your own. I did, and it helped me understand him, me and my boys better. I'll be praying for you and your family!! -A.

As the daughter of a Psychotherapist and also a divorcee with two boys I can relate. I have to say that if he is unwilling to get counseling and takes no responsibility in the demise of the relationship that you just need to leave. Stay with your parents until you can get on your feet. Depending on what state you are in you will receive about 28% of his pretax income as child support. You can do it!! You just need to believe that.

The biggest thing to remember is our children will learn from the parental relationship presented to them and your daughters have a strong possibility of seeking out a similar relationship when they get older. If you want to save them from that, give them a different example. And I highly recommend that you and your children go to a counselor. Make sure it is a good one. They are not all created equal. Try a few out and go to the one you are most comfortable with. Going does not mean there is something wrong with you. None of us are perfect! I wish you the best of luch. Stay strong.

I feel badly for you. That's a really tough place to be in. One question to ask yourself, especially since you are raising girls, is which will set a better example for them. If you leave, you won't necessarily be taking their father away, but just changing the way they see him. As long as you stay you will be showing them the way I woman is treated by a man. You can potentially be setting them up to be mistreated later in life because they will not know that it is wrong. That's how dad treated mom. Maybe if you pointed that out to your husband he might see things differently and try to change for their futures. Obviously, it is better to work things out if at all possible. But children do survive tough financial times. Just stay strong and go with your heart.

Try ignoring him when he talks to you like a child. If he gets annoyed then tell him if he's going to treat you like a child, then you shall act like one. If he wants you to respond to him like an adult, then he will have to talk to you like you are one. Insist that he treat you the way you want to be treated. Don't yell, don't cry, don't demand...just be plain and matter-of-fact.

Remind him that it doesn't matter how he thinks he sounds, but how you hear it... Maybe even try talking to him the way he talks to you and see if he realizes what he's doing. If anyone else in his family (better if it's his) has noticed the poor way he talks to you, then have them point it out to him privately. Sometimes it takes an outsider to make him see what you have been trying to tell him for years. Do you go to church? Maybe suggest some time with the preacher.

If you notice your children being disprespectful, then point it out to him and ask where he thinks they get that from? And by all means do not tolerate it. Turn to them and insist that they speak to you with respect or you will not respond to them at all.

Those are a few suggestions. I hope something will work for you.

I have been there, and as some of the others have told you, I looked at myself and said "my daughter and I deserve better than this". I was not married to her father, thank goodness, but lived with him. Our daughter was 13months old when I left him. I would rather live on my own and raise my daughter than stay in an abusive relationship. I told myself and him, "I don't want her to grow up thinking that is the way women should be treated. I wont do it". He would come to my apartment and literally beg me and cry for me to come back. I told him to leave. He promised to change, I told him he had 6-7 yrs I was with him to change, and he never did, I dont believe him. He wasnt happy when I got my own mind back and started standing up for myself. Too bad! I am in a very happy marriage now, and my hubby treats my daughter and I the way we deserve to be treated. Keep your chin up! When your children get older, they will know and understand why you left and know that you made the right choice for them and yourself. Only you can decide if divorce is right for your family. You have the love and support from your family and friends. By the way, my daughter's father hasnt wanted contact with her for 1 1/2yrs, and is signing off his rights to let my husband adopt her, his choice, not ours. He wanted either full custody, or sign off his rights. He would not have been the one to raise her, his mother would have done it, I am sure it was her idea (he cant think or speak for himself). And there was no way in hell I was going to let them take her away from us. My husband is more of a father to her than he ever was. I am sure that will never happen to you. I am sorry this is so long, but needed to let you know from someone who has been there. If need be, try to get food stamps to help feed your kids, until you can get a job and get back on your feet.

Before you make any decisions go ahead and get some counceling for yourself. This way when you come to a decision you will be more confident and be successful in what ever you decide to do. I'll be praying for you.

My advice is get out if he refuses help. Your daughter is aggressive because she sees aggrssion in him and your relationship. She will thrive in a loving home single parent or not. He needs help. I've been in the same situation and I waited to long. My boys have bad memories and emotions of guilt and anger not because of the divorce but because they blame themselves. I have told them that they can't help the way their father acted but they can't undrstand why he acted the way he did. Being abused is never ok. We are so used to it because we are taught to tolerate it at an early age. We make excuses for the behavior, we have renewed faith every time thimgs go well for a few weeks that it will get better and we blame ourselves when things go bad. Let me ask you this do you treat him that way? I would guess not especially if it bothers you. I stayed so long in my abusive relationship because I had no education, a dead end job and no one to turn to. I truly felt trapped. I had a mountain of debt and I was a nervous wreck. If you have support use it. You are your childrens ally, they need you and you will have to see this through.I know it is hard and you don't have to jump into a divorce. Get help and take deep breaths it will get better, Your a good mom and a good person don't forget that.

V. -

I am a single mom to almost 4 year old twins!! If I can do it you can. I was married for almost 9 years together four almost 11! The last two years were hellish and I can tell you that children under the age of 6 survive a divorce better than those over the age of 6 because they don't witness the abnormal or distructive behavior, or they don't remember. Our marriage broke down and my ex cheated on me, that is the main reason I decided I needed to leave. My ex was sometimes mentally abusive as well as a manipulator. I can tell you if he won't go to therapy than he won't change. Even if he won't go to therapy than you should go for yourself and for your kids. I have been going for over a year and it helps!! What area top you live in?? My therapist is wonderful!!! My kids seem to be doing ok, not sure if its the age sometimes or the situation when the act up?? Life is too short not to be happy and your kids will see that you are not happy if you stay in bad situation. Every situtation is different but do what you heart tells you to do! It's hard being a single mom that works full-time but I am so much happier without the stressful, disfuctional marrriage I was in. Good Luck and let me know if you want to talk.

K.
Single mom of 3 year old twins that works full-time!!!

I would never reccommend divorce until all other options have been exhausted. Marriage is difficult. It is the only relationship that you have to take vows to be in. It's so common these days to just walk away forom your problems, just move on. What happened to the hard work and dedication? I understand that in some cases there are no other options, but in most, it is just the lack of willingness to try. Here are few things that you could try: If talking to him doesn't work you could try reading this book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggeriches. I read it and did a Bible Study on it. Christian or not this book really lays it all out on the table for you. I didn't like it at times, but you know what, it's right. I really works. If that doesn't work than I would just go to a couselor yourself. Maybe they can help you see where the problem really is and that can help you to make a better judgement on what to do. Good luck to you!

GET OUT! DO NOT WAIT ANY LONGER! Children learn what they live. They will learn that your husband's behavior is an acceptable way to respond to others. Don't enable this to occur by staying; GET OUT!

V.,

When I was 25 I went through the same thing you have. I went to counceling by myself, it was a very hard thing to do. I did learn that I am a very good person and that the choice was mine to make my relationship work. I also learned I did have a say in what I wanted to happened in the way I was being treated. I did not have a job at the time and Know where to go with 2 kids.
I decided to put my kids first then myself and then my husband last. I started to notice a great change over the years and we are still together 34 years later. I don't know if it will work for you but I hope you can try, for your sake and the kids.It is never easy, and we still have bad times but we still work at it.