Trouble with My Biological Daughter and Step-daughter

Two year old is communiating the only way she knows how. Try to make her understand that loving two doesn't mean not loving one. Make up a story for bed-time to illustrate... you know, like once upon a time there were two puppies, a big puppy and a little puppy... and explain how each is special but different and does different things, etc.

Hi Maggie! You are not going to go crazy - but, I think your daughter is at that age where she doesn't want to share anyway. It just so happens to be that she has a sister there to blame it all on. In the meantime, you (like all other parents with multiple children) must share your time together. Show her that you can hug her and the 7yr old at the same time - and nothing is any different about the hugs!! That you love her no matter what! Do they share a room? If they do, I would suggest having separate toy boxes/bins, so they don't get mixed up as to who's is who's anything. The more the 7yo shares with your daughter though, the more your daughter might start to understand that it is okay to share. Have her share with you - her toys etc...To further teach her sharing is a good thing - that you get more out of the deal. She gets a sister, a mommy, lots more toys and games that way and playmates too! Good luck & God Bless!

Maybe she is concerned about all the changes to her routine? I mean, having someone else come only 1/2 the time, and feeling nothing is settled while that person is there would be very hard for anyone, let alone a 2 year-old who doesn't have the emotional experience to understand how she feels or what is happening in her home. I would try using the reassurance of an unaltered routine (if you don't have one, develop one) that can include or not include the step-sister. Like reading a book before bed, "We're going to read your bedtime book, would you like sissy to read with us?" "It's time for dinner, would you like sissy to sit next to you." "It's time for bathtime now, come get in the bath." Everything just as normal, but with the option of including her step-sister. Also, remember that she is trying to determine her place in the family. Her way to do this might be to point out "mine" as often as possible. Just make sure that she has one or two things that are absolutely "mine" and sissy cannot hold without permission. Most toys need to be for everybody, but it will reassure her to have something that is her very own when she feels that her space is being violated. 2 year-olds can't control much of their environment, so give her control of a few smaller things that will allow her to feel some security as she learns to deal with her changing world.

I dont have step kids, but I have the same age difference at my house. All I can say is this ismore age related then anything else and with patience, love and time this too shall pass. My oldest is a girl pushing 9, then I have two little boys pushing 4 and 3! I will have one pulling the "MINE" thing with my daughter all the time or the two boys, but someone is always trying to stake claim to something. As time has passed though and the kids have matured these things happen less and less often. Just love them both, share your time with them seperately and together, find the few things they can do together and really push it so the little one can learn to share; which is not something kids learn until closer to the age of five. Good luck and just love them, they will only be this young once!

Maggie, did you grow up with sisters? This is the way of sisters whether they are biological or not makes no difference. The younger sister in every household has the same problems as your two. I would teach them how to get along and not zero in on how much love each is getting. Can you find a nursery school for the 27mo old to help her with sharing her belongings..............The 7 yr old is old enough to be respective of belongings and as to hugs, a two yr old does have mom attachment, so give her extra, but alas, this is the life of sisters.

Hi Maggie,

This is a difficult age no matter what is going on. Two year olds are very demanding anyway. Just be consistent and give both girls your love. It's as important that your daughter see that you don't "favor" her over your step daughter because she'll feed on that as well and demand more and more. It's problematic that your step daughter is only there part time but is it possible to have separate spaces for each that the other doesn't touch, even when the step daughter is not around? Maybe somehow creating more of a special bond between the girls would help because you also don't want your step daughter to feel second best either.

V.

Hi Maggie.

I have two daughters that are six and a half years apart. I know what your going through. My oldest is 10 and my little one is almost 4. The age difference at first was great. I had a helper and she loved holding and playing with her baby sister. But as the little one got older and could touch her stuff, it was all over. They have there moments when they are playing really nice together or the baby only wants her to make her feel better. But most of the time they fight. I hear alot of "she's so annoying" from my 10 yo. She doesn't always want to give her sister a hug when she wants one and I don't make her. She has to have her own feelings. I just tell the baby that her sister doesn't want to hug right now but I do! They don't always share either. I don't make either of them share certain things. They have things that are "just thiers" and they don't have to share if they don't want to, but I still encourage it. One of my stratagies is if I can, I try to get two of most things and try to be fair with each of them. My oldest is the one that gets very jealous of the baby so I try to reasure her that I love them both so much. Sleep overs are a pain because the 10 yo just wants to play with her friends and so does the baby but the 10yo doesn't want her around. It's tough with the age difference but I try and think how I would feel if I was 10 with a little sister who always wanted what I have. I just try to understand her and her independence because she is a that stage in life where she is very independent and has been for a long time. I never had a sister or any siblings when I was young so I didn't know that this is just how siblings are. Some are close and some are not. It just depends. The age difference is a big factor. But I know when they get older they will be close. I'm not an expert but I just trying to deal with it day by day. I don't have any wise advice but I just wanted to give you my support because I am there too right with you. :) Good luck.

Drop the "step" title and don't make an issue about one not being YOUR biological daughter because they are both your husband's biological daughters. The girls will be much better off if you don't teach your 2 year old that her Sissy is only a half-sister because she might relate that to treating her like a "half" sister and only "half" loving her. It seems to me that this is just a typical case of natural sybling competition for toys/attention. If they were both your biological daughters they would probably do the same. I don't believe being "step" has anything to do with it and you should not address it as such. Encourage your daughters to love each other as "whole" sisters.

There's a big age gap between the 2 girls. Your 2 year old is still very young and doesn't understand the concept of "mine" and "yours", The 7 year would have to be the role model for the younger one. Slowing mold the 7 year to be the older sister that she is already is to teach the 2 year to share her toys and whatnot. It's going to take some time but it'll surely happen and when it does they will be a special bond & respect between them going forward.

Good Luck & God Bless!

A.

This is a stage your 2 yr old is going through. She is discovering that she is her own person, with her own personal property. What I did with our 4 yr old when I had this problem was, I esplained to him that he had toys that were just his, and if he didn't want anyone else to touch then or play with them, they had to stay in his room. If the toys were in his toy box in the front room, he had to let everyone play with them. He now automatically keeps his newer toys in his room, but he will occassionally bring a toy out and let other children play with his special toys. Also, expain to your 2 yr old that her sissy is not there all the time, but when she is she needs as many hugs as she does and that she really in fact gets lots more because she is the lucky one that has you and Daddy all the time, while her sissy is only there part of the time. For a while I would make a game of it, that when one gets a hug, you both have to give the other a hug too. If one is not readily available, you will need to 'hunt' her down. Maybe one child will give the other a hug, then they have to hunt Mommy down and both give you a hug. Hopefully, your 2 yr old will get the message that she gets more hugs and love when her sister is there, so she doesn't have to be jealous.

Hi Maggie, my name is Cyndie and I am a mother of 5 adult children and a grandmother of 13, I have also cared for many babies and children of other's. Knowing from more than enough experience, it is not easy to convince a very young child that they are not being ignored or that you do not love their sibling more, they simply do not comprehend everything you tell them, especially at 2 yrs. old. Her lack of understanding and their short memory spands are the reason you will have to continually reassure her. She isn't going to remember from one visit of her sister to the next what was said to her. As she gets older her memory spand improves and grows, so as time goes by (and with little ones, trust me it takes time) she will remember and understand more. This is of course the same reason why we have to go over and over things such as potty training and how to eat with utensils etc., because their little minds can only hold so much at a time. I also have some ideas you may want to try and I am sure you already do the first one, but make sure you try and talk with her before big sis shows up and reassure her how much you love both her and her big sis and how special they both are, reinforce this off and on during the visit. Encourage her to share her things (maybe not the more special ones, as WE all have special things we want to keep to ourselves) and let her know she will have more fun with big sis if she does. You also need to talk with your oldest daughter about the fact that her little sis is just that, her LITTLE sis and much younger than she. Talk to her about the fact that little ones don't understand about sharing their things and especially mommie and daddy in the situation where they are the only one getting the attention most of the time. You may also want to give affection to both at the same time, hug them together, you may not feel it is necessary everytime but it is until little sis starts understanding and feeling more secure. Encourage big sis to play WITH little sis and not just her toys, little sis needs to see that her big sister is interested in her and not just her things and can trust her that she isn't going to try and take her things. However you need to keep in mind that the "IT'S MINE!" phase is normal and all children go through that phase, ALL of them even big sis did. Maybe big sis can also bring some things over that she is willing to let little sis play with, things that she isn't afraid of losing in case of an accident! If little sis sees that her big sis is sharing with her, this should encourage her to more easily share also. If the two of them are not already doing it you may also want to encourage affection just between them, a greeting hug if nothing else. Talk to your oldest daughter about all these things but let her know that she is the big girl in the family and her help and understanding and patience with her little sis would greatly be appreciated by both you and her dad, but also remind her that this all may take some time and patience on everyones part.
NEVER! make the mistake of allowing little sis to feel she is more loved by you or more special, in your heart it may be hard cause she is your biological daughter, but don't make that mistake, trust me, it will cause heartache for everyone and little sis will use it against you and big sis at another time when she is older! ALWAYS! keep them equal as far as love and being special. Also keep in mind that eventually your oldest daughter is going to get to the age where she will want and expect more time to herself or with friends and little sis is just going to have to deal with that one cause big sis does have that right.
God Bless and sorry this turned into a small book!
Cyndie A,

Well, I would say that you can't - because the reality is that her sister IS taking away time and love from her (well, maybe not love, but time feels that way to a 2 yr old). I would say to hold your younger daughter and reassure her that she is still your favorite 2yr old and acknowledge that it's hard to share mommy and daddy and you understand that she feels angry about it. You'd be surprized how far a heart to heart talk can go with a two year old! Good luck!

I'm a bit confused Maggie. What do you mean by Melt downs? Are you suggesting that your two year old, is feeling shunned by you,when the 7 year old is present 50% of the time? Did you ever think, that its simply their 5 years age difference? The 7 year old is far more mature. Your youngest,hasn't quite learned to share at her tender age.

Hi Maggie

Perhaps you could encourage a friendship between them? Buy some arts and crafts things (glue, paper, pens etce), and sit them down together and leave them to it. You can ask your older child to help the little one, and the little one to help the older one. You can encourage them both by congratulating their work, or their effort, you can have 'group girlie hugs' etc.

Importantly, at 7 years old, you should be able to reason with your step daughter, and explain to her how you feel and ask her opinion. Ask her to help you work things out.

Good luck!
C.

Hi Maggie!
Your girls are at the perfect age to enjoy earning 'good marks' for good behavior. There are some great tips for behavior modification at:
http://www.gomommygo.com/
All the stuff is there- free, to make it like a game - just make a chart with the behaviors you want to re-inforce, and they have a great time of it all week till they get their reward at the end. My kids loved it. Try it and see!
Best to you and the girls,
R.

** Hi Maggie, your girl is probably adjusting to her "new" life with a step-sister. Don't worry. Let her in her own time, adjust, Just provide her with a regular routine and the caring you seem to already show her. She is just a little girl...not yet understanding everything. Your older step-daughter should understand though. Explain it. Children often like to help others, they feel "proud" to be a "big sister." Tell your 2 year old, that she is always special...you are always her mommy, which I am sure you do. :) Remember, it is all developmental. Abstract feelings don't always make sense to them. My 20 month old son for example, when my 5 yr. old daughter sits on my lap, he runs over and tries to sit on my lap pushing off my daughter and growling about it. My girl understands though, we talk about it. She's older and she knows her little brother is still learning. It's quite funny sometimes. Ride it out. They will get used to each other. Give it time.

Your girl is in the "terrible 2's" stage. This is normal.

Perhaps, don't insist that she "has to" share everything. Keep somethings just for her... and let her step-sister have her own things. They need to know that they have their own things. There is nothing wrong with that. Kids do not HAVE TO share everything. Somethings are special and just for them. They need to know this. It's okay.

Cognitively, a child this age is just learning "social" manners and about possessions. Emphasize, that they are "sisters" and a "team." Emphasize the relationship...not the toys. Your girl, and at this age, they are asserting their sense of self, and their "control" over their world. They get independent too. It's all trial and error. Pick your battles. Teach her the "words" for her feelings... ie: angry, sad, happy, frustrated etc. Let her express herself in positive ways....show her understanding and validate her feelings while correcting her in positive ways. ie: I know you are frustrated...but after you play with this, you can take turns..." or "don't worry, I know this is yours." Don't insist on having her "give" all of her things to her step sister. Cultivate your step child to be the "big sister" and coax your little girl. Little girls love to "copy" big girls and look up to them.

Explain to the older child, that your daughter is just too young to understand everything... this is her age. Big girls often love to "teach" little children too, through play and pretend. This can be a good opportunity for them both, to learn team-work and have fun together. Let them bond. Let them hug and be silly. Have them do things they can do together...crafts, games, playing dolly or dress up etc.
Hug hug hug her.. she probably needs reassurance.

Give your girl her needed love and understanding..this phase will pass. It's okay. Teach her boundaries and compromising.From when my girl was 1 years old, I taught her the word "compromise." Then by the time she was 2 years old, she understood completely and this became an invaluable word for her and she would use it with adults as well, and other kids. She could then navigate her way through frustrating "sharing" times, and express herself properly. It taught her "problem solving." This is an invaluable tool, for children to learn.

The Terrible 2's, does not stop there. It's goes on to the "terrible 3's and 4's" too. Hopefully by the time they are 5 years old, the tantrums and meltdowns will yield or disappear. It's all developmental. Keep this in mind. Redirect her.

Good luck,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo