Trouble Making Friends with Other Moms, Is It Me?

Umm Kelly why should she change who she is? If pink hair is what she likes, then pink hair should stay. She shouldn't change just to get people to like her.
Stay who you are and you will find people who like you for you. I wish I had the guts to dye my hair pink. We can be online buddies if you want. For the longest time I was rather depressed because all of my friends don't have babies and kind of left me in the dust. I wanted and was willing to go and play with them (O had to go along though) but they stopped inviting me to everything.

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i like you...........i wish i was brave enough to have pink hair!.....i get the same thing....or used to, from other moms, i was a young mom myself i had my first at 21. I lived in a neighborhood where all the other moms were over 30, or over 40, and if they werent, they were living there with their moms and had none of the same concerns as me.,Im 29 (almost) and have one 7 year old and an almost 2 year old, and most moms of 7 year olds that i know are well over 35, and i may have lots in common with them, but age matters.

The generation thing is really a factor, even though i feel i act much older, women tend to gravitiate towards the same age group. Unfortunately moms are busy and i think we naturally pick someone who would fit into our lives like a puzzle peice. Because otherwise we are just wasting our precious time.

Personally i have to remind myself that i am also a wife....and a best friend to some people, and i fall short of being that, ALL THE TIME.

be honest with these moms you meet like you have been honest here. The right kind of people will see past the pink hair, the awkwardness, and value the honesty and bravery you exhibit when you go out on a limb to say....

im lonely, and need a friend.

not alot of us would so readily expose this kind of soft underbelly, and hopefully the right kind of people will respond, and the ones that dont are wrong anyway.

if i met you at story hour, or the park, id probably value your honesty and try to get you to power walk with me and our strollers!, lol

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don't give up! Just relax around people---there's no reason to be nervous or awkward. People are all the same when it comes down to it. Not everyone clicks with everyone, but if you are friendly, open and honest...it will happen in time.

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You sound like my kind of friend, too bad we don't live closer! I like meeting other moms that dont look like your average mom, and I as well have been told I have a strange sense of humor "for a girl"(very dry, dark and sarcastic is my style)! I did a paper for school on comedians last semester(I'm 23 also) and in doing the research I found studies claiming that women with a sense of humor can be intimidating to other women, as well as men...I think that could be the issue more than your hair...I seem to stick my foot in my mouth alot around people that don't know me or my humor. That said, I dont really have any actual advice to offer, except keep being yourself. If someone IS weirded out or whatever by your pink hair, I get the feeling they're not going to be very compatible with your personality. And I have to disagree with the mommy that suggested changing your hair, I think that if you did that you wouldn't be being true to yourself, and you want your friends to accept you for who you are, pink hair and all, right? :) Well, I guess that is all for now, I wish you the best of luck!

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Your pink hair wouldn't bother me! I bet in Waco you stand out! They are sooo conservative there. They may assume things by your youth and appearance.. I do not agree, but that is a pretty tight community.

Maybe they are older than you and think you are super young and will not have anything in common with you.

I have found, people like talking about themselves or their children, so you may want to ask them questions about themselves.. Not to many questions and not too personal.

You sound super busy, but have you read any good books lately? Maybe ask others what books they have read lately and can they suggest one.

Also ask for a little advice. If you see another mom with 3 children ask her what kind of sleeping schedule does she have her kids on?. How does she take them all to the pool at one time when all alone.. These type of things will show that you have the same concerns.
Hang in there..

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Have you ever had many girlfriends? I never have and I am the same way as an adult. I grew up with two brothers and have never had an easy time forming friendships with other girls and women. I know women who have had the same group of friends forever! I get so jealous, but then I also don't care to deal with all the drama that can develop within these groups.

It is even harder to stay connected to the friends I do have now that I am a mom. We are all pressed for time and never have enough time to meet our needs...much less those of a friendship. I was happy to meet another mom close to my age in the mother's group that was sponsored by the midwife we both used.

Because we both are facing the same challenges as single mothers, we can really relate to each other and have a healthy respect for each other's time. She knows I can be TOTALLY anti-social and doesn't get all sulky if I decide I just can't deal with an outing. But I also make an effort to be there when I know she needs me.

I would suggest trying other ways to meet moms that might be a little more open-minded and welcoming. Babywearing groups, La Leche League, a mother's group sponsored by a midwifery practice, coffee shops. I am a middle of the road sort of person in every way, but found some really lovely women in these places.

Also, while I embrace indivduality, I think sometimes it is a good thing to "surprise" people with your quirkiness. Your pink hair shouldn't matter, but everyone has their hang-ups. I always love the look on people's faces when they find out that I have seven tattoos...and they're pretty big...lol. Maybe a little something less drastic for a while, but maybe you'll notice that it doesn't make a difference and you can fully embrace the pinkness again!

I am also a nervous talker and giggler...it just takes practice to stop babbling, listen, and ask pointed questions.

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G. - this might sound overly religious but maybe God means for you to be a leader and not a follower or member of a group where you are "forcing" yourself to fit in.

Have you ever considered mentoring teen and young adult moms? In my former town we had a program similar to Big Sisters/Big Brothers, except it was for teen moms. Since you are young, too - they could probably really relate to you! You may profoundly impact a young woman's life in a positive way.

People do "judge" by appearance (unfortunately) - that's just the way life is. Maybe you could tone it down just a bit (not that you have to - I'm just suggesting it so it doesn't off-put people from the get-go).

You sound like a cool young mom - wish I lived near you and we could be friends! Don't be afraid to reach out and volunteer, if at all possible in an area that is near and dear to your heart. When you get into common interests you will meet people who you "jibe" with, which is the best part of a true friendship. You shouldn't feel like you have to jump through hoops to get approval.

Good luck - I can so empathize with you! Hugs.

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Your not alone, I am not a womens women so I am in the same boat. I don't complain over everylittle thing nor do I think life is just sunshine and birdies, I also don't have the money to talk about the next new car I'm getting or my wonderful vacations I'm planning. I consider myself very normal and for some reason I don't make friends that easily either. I don't fit in with alot of women and also don't change myself to try to. I don't even fit in with the women in my husbands family. Nothing in common, NADA! and it's forced conversation to try and make things in common so I just sit with my husbands and listen to them cackle about everyone that's not there at the time, very catty and so not me! Stay who you are, you'll find friends eventually.

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G., for starters, your pink hair and strange sense of humor would probably one reason that I would pick you out of a crowd of people to meet. I think that your uniqueness is a PLUS, not a negative!

You are not meant to be friendless and certainly not mean to be lonely. I agree with the people who say to get involved in classes that offer things you enjoy and with different groups that you may not have thought of before.

A word about MOPS......I have friends with wonderful MOPS groups, but our local group is terrible. It's like Jr. High all over again when you step through the doors. Mabey try a different MOPS group in your area!

BE YOURSELF!!! If people can't appreciate who you really are then they don't deserve your friendship anyway. I wish you lived by me! :)

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If I were you, I'd ignore Kelly's advice! LOL
Be yourself, be nice and you will attract the same kind of people. People who look a bit deeper than hair color before they form opinions.
After all would you want a friend who was the type of person who would be rude to someone just b/c they had different hair? Probably not.
You sound like a super busy mom! Just continue to be friendly. Remember, people love to talk about themselves and their kids--so those are two good places to start a conversation.
Try a class pertaining to an interest--cooking, mechanics, ceramics, writing, whatever YOUR interests are. I'll bet you'll meet lots of people with the same interests! Good luck!

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G., it would be easier if you could find younger moms. Older moms probably don't quite "get" the pink hair, and because of that, they don't give you a proper chance.

Denise is right about ignoring the advice to get rid of your pink hair - it's you! But you may have to find more of a "target audience" with it. Younger and hips moms with little kids might be more willing to spend enough time with you to get to know you.

You are right, that your appearance shouldn't matter, and it's not fair that it does, but lots of things in life aren't fair. Best of luck!
D.

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Don't assume it's you. If they can't see past the outside to the person on the inside it's their issue, not yours! A lot of people in this world tend to be shallow clones of each other, always worried about what people might think or say. Or if they have the right clothes, house, car, school for the children, impressive people to call friends.... In the process they loose themselves and some neat opportunities to know unique quality people.. Try jioining a book group and leave the kids with family or a sitter. or take a class or volunteer for a cause close to your heart. You'll meet a lot of people of all ages and net work in your community, I'm sure you'll make some good friends!

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It is difficult toform relationships once kids are involved or that is how it has been shown to me. As an at home mom I made no friends. Now working again I have made surface, work friends but nothing deeper. Stick to your roots (no pun intended) and be who you are. You will find a buddy it will just take time and being in the right place at the right time.

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I feel the exact same way. I have lived in this area (which I might add is an hour and a half from you) for 11years and have NO friends, nada, not even one. I have joined groups and participated in school functions and done every thing even just asking a mom that talked with me at the park to trade numbers. They think youur weird. Maybe it is the personality. I don't have pink hair but I am outgoing and very open and kind, helpful and generous with my time. I think I would make a great friend. So girl I dint get it either. I have tried that with some people on this group that have had problems I could help with so i privately emailed them si their discussion with me would be private. People can be real $&@?!.
I

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I was reading this and could of swore someone hacked my account and wrote this until I read the age and hair color. I'm 27 and only have two kids but have red hair. You hit the nail on the head, I have the same problem. I have a few friends but they two seem to be avoiding me, oh well I haven't changed so their lose. Just be a good momma and friends will come.

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nope not just you, I have trouble making friends and I don't have pink hair. Just don't have very many things in common with most other moms.

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I have found that you know in the first 5 minutes of talking to someone, whether or not you will "click". Sometimes, it's strong personalities, odd parenting, religious views and general mothering habits, that can turn mom's off really quickly. I too have a hard time having real friendships with other mothers. We're simply too different sometimes. I'm very laid back, I let my kids have ice cream and M&M's, and in my entire life, I've only been to church for weddings. My close friends love me and who I am, and others judge me. I'm ok with that.

You may want to search a young mothers group in your area., Others that may be in you age range would welcome you with open arms. I would also search out moms whose children are the exact age of your children. You will have more in common and can compare differences, and do age appropriate things with your children. I have friends with 9 year old children, but we certainly don't have a lot of options on what to do that a 9 and 2 year old would like equally. You could also invite a mom out for girl time and leave the kids at home. A movie or lunch out could give you time to get to know each other without the interruption of kids.

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You will click with someone in time. Just find someone else who is a mom, 23 and with pink hair :-))

Maybe you are trying too hard and therefore making people feel uncomfortable. I know it can be hard making new friends, but hang in there. Just remember to relax and be yourself. It can't possibly be that your husband is the only one that likes you. I'm sure there are reasons he does and you need to bring that into your everyday conversations with people. If someone doesn't want to talk to you, just move on. Keep your head high and strike up a conversation with the next person. There are also very cliquish people out there that don't want to let new people into their circle, so you don't want that kind of friendship anyway. Good Luck to you. I'm sure you're not friendship unworthy and I'm sure there are others in any of those groups that feel the same way you do.

nope you're not alone. I've had similar issues. I say forget the mom groups and find yourself a hobby that allows you to interact with others. Since you play the violin you may want to see if you can join in on the music at your church. Or if you like dance, find a dance class that you would enjoy or another group activity just to get out of the house and connect to other adults.

You've received lots of great advice or at least commiseration. I can chime right in there, too. The only new thing I'd add is that once you do find someone you click with, make sure you put effort into the relationship. Finding a good friend is so difficult. You don't want to lose a good one just because "life got too busy." Return phone calls/emails quickly; you make the requests to get together/don't always wait for them; etc. It takes effort but is so worth it. Hang in there.

Hell I am 36 and have purple hair. I am the same as you, I have a hard time making friends...but I have a wacky sense of humor too...hmmm

Where do you live? Maybe we would get along!!!

I am in the same boat. I have always had a hard time making friends and am very socially awkward. I try to talk to the moms in my neiborhood and church, at my kids' school and at my husband's work and they often just look at me and then look at thier watch and make an excuse. I have no idea how to make a friend. My husband is my best friend, which is great most of the time, but sometimes you have to vent about your hubby or just have girl talk. Anyway, I don't have any real advice on how to make a friend (obviously) but I would be happy to talk to you anytime (P.S. I had pink hair when I was your age, but I am about 10 years older than you now).

I don't have any insight really, but I'd like to say that I have the same problem. My family never seems to stay in the same place for more than two years so even when I do find friends I end up saying good-bye before long. The only thing I can say is to involve youself in activities you enjoy - I like 4-wheeling, biking, and horseback riding- that seems to be the places that I find people I can relate to and have a good time. I'm a very non-materialistic person living in a sorta snobby subdivision so I often feel out of place at play groups because I don't like to talk about expensive vacations and lavish home remodelings. Good luck

At the church, you might try volunteering in some capacity. It's easier to get to know folks when you are working side by side. It takes the focus off of you.

As for groups, I've had the same problem. That type of venue tends to
make the perceived differences between you and the other moms more
apparent. Plus, it's tough to "break into" existing friendships.

Wish you were in the Houston area--my daughter and daughter-in-law
both favor brightly colored hair. We'd make quite a group :-). Point
is, there are lots of folks like me, and my daughters, out there, keep
trying.

From your letter, the first thing that jumps at me is that maybe they feel that you are so much younger than them that they just do not feel that they can connect. The pink hair is the teller there. Also being 23 with 4 children already tells them how young you were when you started having children. Most women get scared with this, they think back to what they were up to when they were that age. Start with the hair, go back to they color you were born with. Then keep going, things will get better for you, know you were not made to be alone, that is not how God works. Next time you go take some craft that you can work on while there hand work, even some hand mending. This will let then see that you do, have other things that you do, they may come over and just talk and tell you what they do. Ask about hobbies, menu's , favorite meals for their families etc. If you have a pet talk about some of the things that it has done that are funny or that drive you crazy. Almost everyone will have one to share with you.
Most of all do not give up, both you and your children need you around them, a happy mom and wife and person is what is important in our lives, no matter what our age is. God bless

no you're not. though i admit i sometimes feel similar. i moved here from michigan almost 2 years ago and still remain friendless. if you find the magic cure let me know. by the way i think your pink hair is awesome!

I doubt it's your hair color. I'm 38 and your hair color would be one of the reasons I'd talk to you.

I will also say this, the more you focus on being friendless, the more likely you will be friendless. Instead of worry about it, just keep on going out and reaching out to people. If you extend your hand often enough, eventually you will find a few real friends. But " real friends" are hard to find, truly.

You may not be weird, but your pink hair and strange sense of humor give off a weird personna. So, I guess if you really want to be accepted and have friends, the first thing you should do, is get rid of the pink hair. Once you've got some friends and they know you, then you can dye your hair. Most people can't get past weirdness at first.

Dear G.,

You mentioned that you are awkward and nervous. Realizing this is half the battle. Good for you. Sometimes people go through life never realizing that they make others uncomfortable. Now, for the next step. Join a group that can help you develop conversational skills. Toastmasters has an excellent class to help teach public speaking. I don't know if they can help with one-on-one conversation or not, but it's a good place to start. They can tell you when you're going on too long, or being boring or inappropriate, etc. See if there's a Toastmasters group in your area, and find out if they can refer you to some one-on-one classes from there. It can't hurt.

Blessings,
B.

Making friends can be hard for all of us.
Here is what I would suggest. Keep doing social things it is good for you and your kids! Next if you are talking to someone and they bail of you...What were you talking about when they bailed? Perhaps that kind of subject should be avoided in the future. Let the other mother do most of the talking and then focus on the the things you both have in common.
Keep in mind that it can be hard for all people to make friends in this super busy world. You just gotta keep trying. You will find some friends, I promise!

Oh! I wish I had something really concrete to add to everyone's advice but really I am just chiming in to say I have a really hard time making "mommy" friends too. But honestly your post and so many other mothers responding that they have a hard time too made me feel a little bit better about it! I will probably see another mom at the park tomorrow and try a little harder to talk to her b/c it seems alot of us are in the same boat. :) Good Luck! Pink hair definatly doesn't matter...

Two things are important in making friends: similarity (in lifestyle; pink hair shouldn't matter) and time. I've moved around a lot, and I've learned quite a bit from those experiences. If you seek out people who have things in common with you (same number of kids similar ages, etc.) and someone who doesn't already have the next 10 Saturday nights spoken for, you'll have better luck. Similarity means you'll have something to talk about. Having time free means that they actually welcome someone coming up to them saying "hey, let's get together" and they really WILL call you rather than just wishing they'd find the time. When I've made good friends, it sometimes involved approaching someone who was new to the area who didn't have family in town. That person usually had extra time for playdates, and even Mom dates.

So, what you're doing now is great, but you may need to keep trying new groups to find a few people you get along with well enough to see regularly outside that group. Someone mentioned switching MOPS groups; that might help. You may have to travel farther, but every group of women is different. I've heard people say the people in their MOPS group weren't really the kind of people they could be friends with, but I was in one a couple years back and I found them very non-judgmental, and I'm pretty sure almost anyone would have agreed to a playdate or some other activity if I'd initiated it. I ran out of time and didn't join last year, and I do miss them. Yes, I'm quite busy now with friends, but when I think about it, I've realized that EVERY one of them I met when they were relatively new to the area and had plenty of time to see me and get to know me, and therefore were enthusiastic about it.

Good luck! And be yourself. If these women seemed "scared off" by you, then you're better off with other people who will REALLY be a good friend.

Oh sweetie all I can say is I feel you!!! I have been in a tough spot for like a year. It is lonely and it is hard to understand why no connections seem to happen. Half the time I feel like I wish I had friends the other half I don't know where I would find the time to mess with it! But I have tried to reach out to some other moms only to find them not very responsive. I don't know what it is about me either. I finally have come to the conclusion that I am going to stop chasing after people who don't show any interest in me and pursue those that do, if that is no-one at the moment, then so be it. Very hard thing though....I know. Hang in there, being a mom of young ones is so intense. I would have never understood all the challenges of motherhood until I encountered them myself. Keep being yourself and showing kindness to others and over time those gems will pop up. I have a few dear friends and though I don't see them often, when I do, our time is precious and lifts my heart...so I just enjoy those moments and try not to let the day to day grind drag me down. Easier said than done!!! Wish I had more advice all I can say is pink hair is cool, I wouldn't change it if I were you;)

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Oh sweetie all I can say is I feel you!!! I have been in a tough spot for like a year. It is lonely and it is hard to understand why no connections seem to happen. Half the time I feel like I wish I had friends the other half I don't know where I would find the time to mess with it! But I have tried to reach out to some other moms only to find them not very responsive. I don't know what it is about me either. I finally have come to the conclusion that I am going to stop chasing after people who don't show any interest in me and pursue those that do, if that is no-one at the moment, then so be it. Very hard thing though....I know. Hang in there, being a mom of young ones is so intense. I would have never understood all the challenges of motherhood until I encountered them myself. Keep being yourself and showing kindness to others and over time those gems will pop up. I have a few dear friends and though I don't see them often, when I do, our time is precious and lifts my heart...so I just enjoy those moments and try not to let the day to day grind drag me down. Easier said than done!!! Wish I had more advice all I can say is pink hair is cool, I wouldn't change it if I were you;)

I too have the same problem. I have no trouble 'making' friends but once they get to know me & MY weird sense of humor or conversation preferences, they bolt. I have no idea why this is, I honestly thought I was the only one...glad to see I'm not alone. My theory is this, if they like me, they're going to be my friends. If not, at least you know you tried your best. Just keep on being yourself & if you still need answers, just approach a mom & ask her if she wants to get together for a trip to the park, etc. just something to get a conversation going & if she refuses or makes a 'lame' type of excuse just say "oh ok well it seemed like we had a lot in common so I thought it'd be nice to get together to know ea other a bit better". Sometimes saying something like that leaves the door open for them to say if they don't like you or not. Sometimes it doesn't wk & they may say "Oh well thanks I'll keep it in mind" but a lot of times for me, it provided info. I could then say "oh ok, well what is it exactly you don't like about me" & that wks too. Honestly I believe the right ppl will come into your life to be your friends, you just haven't come across them yet, perhaps. Hope this helps & good luck!