Traveling Mom Needs Suggestions to Ease Separation

Hi A.,
You could get him a little photo album and put pictures of all of you in it. They sell photo albums for little kids.
I hope this helps. Good Luck!!

My husband was a travelling parent for a long time, starting when our daughter was five. You are already planning to call and talk to your son every day, which is great. Two other things we did that helped a lot. We bought duplicate copies of a few of Em's favorite story books. He took them with in his suitcase, and when he called at night, he would read one of them to her while she followed along in her book. The other thing she and I did as a suprise for my hubby, but it meant as much to her as it did to him. Before he left on his first trip, she and I went through all of our family pictures and put together a pocket sized album (the soft cover plastic kind that is a dollar or two at the store) for him to take with him. We included photos of all three of us, some of her some of her and I, etc., both recent and from earlier memories. She had a lot of fun (but took it very seriously) choosing which photos "daddy needed to have us with him". We added photos to the book every now and then, too. It meant a lot to my hubby, and he made sure Em knew how precious to him it was. When he talked to her on the phone, he would tell her which picture he was looking at. She told everybody that we put together his special daddy book so he would not be so lonely away from home. He has since changed jobs and has not had the frequent travel for two years, but he still has the book and keeps it with him in his briefcase.

I would probably agree with Keri. I travel a few times a year for work as well and I have found that talking on the phone makes it more difficult for both of us. Before I leave, I talk to my 3 1/2 year old about where I'm going and what I'll be doing for a couple of weeks so she gets used to the idea. When I return, I usually have them drop me off and/or pick me up at the airport if they can and my daughter thinks that is pretty cool. When she was a little smaller (around 2) she would ignore me at first when I got home - it was as if she was punishing me for being gone! But things always got better after about 24 hours. I always make sure to schedule a few days of vacation after work trips so I can spend extra time with the kids and get everything back to normal. Good luck! Just know there are other working moms out there going through the same thing. Sometimes its hard to look out a hotel window and know your babies are hundreds of miles away. :(

When I traveled away from my kids, I took my parents advice and did as they did....I didn't call home. On the rare occasion that I did, I found that what my parents said was true, the kids will miss you more for hearing your voice and being unable to see you than they do if you are "out of sight, out of mind". It sounds terrible, but in my experience, my children handled my absences better when I didn't call than when I did. (my daughter especially would break down crying and would continue to cry for hours after I called, but if I didn't call, she was fine). That and a promise of a gift when I returned home, something my parents did as well. The excitement over what my parents would find to bring home (usually something we couldn't normally get at home stores) made the time go faster for us and kept it in the front of our minds that they were coming home....they had to, they were bringing a gift!

Also, have your husband step up the quality time with him...read him a bedtime story every night, a special trip out for ice cream one night, etc. That way when you do have to go on a trip, your son won't equate it with your absence, but with special daddy and me time.

Do you have a video camera or could you borrow one? How about recording yourself reading his favorite bedtime stories and saying you love him, goodnight, and whatever else is part of the bedtime ritual? He could watch you read him a story each night before bed and during the day he could also watch his very own personalized video whenever he is feeling sad and missing you. A daily postcard that arrives in the mail could also help--kids love getting their own mail. It sounds corny, but there is some commercial I've seen where a traveling Dad takes his kid's stuffed animal on his trip and e-mails photos of it doing some of the things dad is doing. Talk to your son and ask him if he has any ideas of what might make it easier while you are away. Also ask your husband to try to plan a special activity while you're gone so your absence can have a positive spin. My husband travels a lot and some of these ideas have helped us. Also, while we agree that he does not bring them any presents back from his trip, he does often bring little freebies he picked up along the way. Napkins from where he ate, the pretzel pack from the flight, lotion from the hotel. Once he brought our daughter a shower cap which for some reason she really loved. : ) Kids really get excited about things we see as no big deal. Good luck, I am sure being away is hard on you as well.

I left once in the 4 years since becoming a mother. I put together a small photo album for my son full of photos of just the two of us. My husband would look through it with him each day and then I'd call each day to share stories from our days. Perhaps giving him a new toy to play with while you're gone is a good idea too...I always like those little Matchbox playsets...they're not too expensive and my son can use cars he already has.

Good luck!

Hi A.. I am also a working mom that has had to be away from my children for extended periods of time. I have a 3 yr old son and a 9 yr old daughter. A couple of things that I'd recommend are...
1. Make sure you tell your son that you are going to have to travel away from home and when you will be back. I would talk to him several times so it is no surprise when the day comes.
2. Get a tape recorder (or even better set up a camera) and read a new story to your son. This way he will still be able to hear your voice and he can play it over and over if he wants. If you have the time, have a new story for every night that you will be gone, maybe even a new book to read along with.
3. Send him mail before you even leave. You could even start a game like tic tac toe a have him mail it back to you when it is your move.
4. Invest in a webcam. My kids loved to see and talk to me on the computer. I would blow them kisses and just talk about whatever.
5. When you return home bring back pictures of where you were and also a gift from the area.
I hope some of these suggestions will help you. Good luck.
C.

I did that and I also left a little 'gift' my daughter opened for each day I was gone. She was more focused on that everyday then me being gone.

This week I will be gone from monday thru thursday or friday. My son is 23 months and I will get a copy of "Goodnight Moon" and "The Giving Tree" from the library so I can call at bedtime and I will read the books to him whild his father turns the pages of his copy and gives him his bedtime milk. That way I can stay a part of his bedtime routine.

I know it's so hard.
Hang in there,
A.

Three ideas include:
1. Make a video tape/cd/dvd of you talking to him, asking him about his day, his friends, maybe read a short book, etc. You could even do a couple of different shorter clips of different things. He can play it as often as he wants while you are gone. We did that for our son when we took a week's vacation without him. My mother said it was super.
2. If you have at home and while on the road access to a DSL or wireless connection and can afford to buy two computer video cameras (maybe $25 to $100 each depending upon what features you want), you can have one set up at home and one with you maybe on a laptop. We have done this for 2 years with my parents who go south for the winter. Logitech sells very good cameras, many options to choose from. There are several online video calling programs. Logitech has one, Skype does it, and I think AOL and Messenger do too. Many are free. It works really well. We could "call" my parents on the computer, when they picked up, we could see them and they could see us. We could talk normally. Our kids got to keep seeing the grandparents so it was not a shock when they came home, and the grandparents got to see our son's first steps, pictures from preschool, gifts he might have gotten, or whatever he wanted to show grandma and grandpa. This is about as "live" as you can get when not really there.
3. We use a countdown with many things with our oldest. For Christmas, we painted a big Christmas Tree and he got to put on a bulb each day as it grew closer. We did the same for his birthday with a colored cake and the candles were his countdown. And for the grandparents coming home, we did a person and each day he got to put on a body part. We just taped them to a sliding glass door because it was bigger and so he could see it all the time. It works like the calendar and stickers but more creative and personal. You two could make it together or as a family.

Good luck!
D.

I only have one small idea, and that's just to have a special mommy and son time before you go. Do something fun together like going to the zoo together or the children's museum, etc.

Good luck,

G

On my last trip I left an envelope for each day I was gone, with a note inside talking about what I was doing or what my son would be doing that day. I enclosed put a little something in each of them, stickers, candy, etc. and had one with a dvd toward the end of the week. You could also make some suggestions to your husband of "special" things he might be able to do with your son while you're gone as a treat/distraction for him to make it "fun time with Daddy" rather than time away from Mom.

My son is Grandma's Boy (he spends a lot of time with her) and she travels for work at least one week a month. She sends postcards and we talk a lot about what she is doing while she is gone. I think it helps him understand that she's away for a reason, not just away from him. Also, she has said that he can call her anytime, and if she's in a meeting we just leave a voicemail. It's enough to appease him and helps him feel like he's in control a bit, I think.

You can help by talking to him about his real feelings (sadness, fear, worry...) when you call instead of expecting him to "be happy". Kids see right through that. When they are expected to be happy about something as stressful as separation they will act out and get angry.

You can minimize your son's anger by talking to him about how angry he is that you left: "Wow, you must feel REALLY angry that mommy left for so long!" If you validate his feelings of anger and worry he will see that you don't just leave him and return, but that you love him and will always care about how he feels about you.

The more you do to connect with him while you are gone the better he will feel. However, you will always need to expect a few weeks of adapting to each other again when you return. This is normal and no amount of pre-trip planning will make it go away A..

Kids naturally have separation anxiety when the most important person in their world is gone beyond bedtime and for days on end.

If you had a video cam (only costs $25 or so) you could actually 'see' each other every day - just like the Oreo commercial with the boy and his dad. But I suppose you'd have to buy 2. Another cute idea (also from a commercial -I watch too much tv I guess) is taking one of his favorite stuffed animals and taking pictures of you & "Chico" every day at a different location, and sending it to your child. Or just making your phone call a special time every day that he can look forward to. Good luck.

The calendar and phone calls are good. Tuck away a couple of little "treats" that your husband can pull out on tough days ("Mom left this special, just for you!") and a picture for him to carry around. My husband travels a lot and these all worked well for us. Also, a special outing or event when you return gives him something to look forward to.

SAHM of seven

Lots of great advice! Also, remember that meaningful goodbyes are important. Having a goodbye ritual that carries over throughout the time that you are gone could be helpful. The simplest thing I have heard of is talked about in the book called "The Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn. It talks about how a racoon puts a kiss into her little boy's hand before he goes to his first day of kindergarten. He can then have a kiss each time he misses his mother.
The other thing to consider is if the routine is different when you are gone. We all have differing parenting styles and so your son may have been readjusting to not only your absence and return, but to a change in his routine. Talking with your husband about continuing to do the things you specifically would normally do as part of your son's routine may be helpful, too. For example, my husband cuddles with my son each night (while I do other things) before we put him to bed. In my husbands absence, that cuddle time is spent with me, rather than having him play while I do things. Just a suggestion...:0)

I went on a week long trip when my daughter was 3 and a half. I took 7 lunch sized paper bags, decorated them, and put a little treat in each. I lined them up on top of the refrigerator so she could see them. She got to open one "present" each day I was gone. Nothing big -- a coloring book, some stickers, etc. She was really excited about opening them up and she knew when they were gone, I'd be home.

one thing you could do if he is used to you reading to him is to record a story on tape or computer. I used to record some on the computer and my son could hear me read a story to him.

A.,

I too have had to travel from time to time. Fortunately my lil guy did OK w/ it. However, I did the calendar w/ stickers, would call daily, mailed postcards daily or would have my DH put them in the pile of mail, and of course would bring him back a special prize. Hope that helps!

It must be stressful on all your family members that both adults work outside the home and on a full-time basis. I know this is just how it goes sometimes, because everybody's different. I remember when my first child was 9 months old and I had embarked on what I thought would be an 11-hour per week teaching position. It mushroomed and became an enormous ordeal which required me to fly to another state for a four-day conference. I brought my mother with, who did drive me absolutely nuts the entire time but she was happy to be helpful. Do you have somebody in your life who could "nanny along" with you and your son? I don't know what kind of work you are doing while you are gone from home, but I am guessing you will be sleeping in a hotel/motel at night and I bet there are two beds (and a roll-away too) and your son would love to get to see you at the end of the day rather than not at all for an entire week. If you absolutely cannot entertain this idea, then perhaps you could wrap up a week's worth of really great presents from you so every morning he could open one. Also, you can tape record yourself reading him his favorite bedtime books and his daddy could play them for him at night as he goes to sleep. I guess the main thing is that there is no easy way to ease a little kid that age through his mommy being gone for a whole week. Kids that age are very self-centered (and naturally need to be, in my opinion); they need to know mom is available and the anxiety created by not having mom for that long length of time is going to be difficult for you all. Luckily, kids are resilient for the most part and as long as the amount of time you spend on your "work" is equal to or lesser than the amount of time you spend with your son, you can take your trip prepared to make up for the time lost later. The important thing is to not put off making up time with your son once you return.

Hi A.,
Do you have a tape recorder?? In the age of Ipods, and all the download~able devices....Maybe you do??!
I remember baby sitting during my teen years for a mom that read books and taped her own voice so that her children still heard HER reading the all important bed-time story.
I think it would be a great idea........
Christy used to say " turn on Mommy reading the story : )"
Good Luck,

I recently had to take a long trip (10 days - Hong Kong) for work and was very concerned at how my 9 year old would handle the separation. Taking the idea from a TV commercial, my children picked a favorite stuffed animal to send on my trip. I took pictures of "Ellie" the elephant at different locations along my trip with details of what she saw and sent email updates not only to my children but also their teachers.
I also leave little notes, special treats, and plan special "date" outings with each child when I return.
I try not to call in the evening when they are tired and can have a harder time with their feelings, which then makes it difficult for dad to put them to bed. In the morning, talking about what they will be doing seems to be smoother.
Making sure that my kids have fun things planned while I'm gone and talking about those things help take the focus off of being gone.
The other thing I've learned, my children pick up on my feelings (guilt, guilt, guilt) and that can get projected onto them.
I hope some of these ideas help!

Many laptops or even desktops have built in cameras. A video email or video conferencing call once or twice during the week will keep a connection and build anticipation,especially if you draw him a picture the first call. Then he can describe all of his pictures the next call.
Then mom has to do her best not to feel guilty enjoying the time away. If they feel or sense our uneasiness they will have their own.
The very best to you, J.

Hi A.,

My husband and I are adopting from Guatemala. Last winter, we went down for 4 days to visit. My boys stayed with a family member. We wrapped a small gift for each day we were gone. This helped my boys visualize how many days we'd be gone and gave them something to look forward to every morning. We are going back to complete our adoption within the next couple weeks and my boys are already asking how many presents they will be getting.

With time, your trips will get easier on your little boy. You may even notice that being a few months older makes him more mature and better able to understand the situation.

Good luck,

F.