32 answers

Training Bras for Daughter

Hello Moms, I really have a problem and I don't know if i'm over reacting or if I should be fine with it and let my daughter grow up:( My daughter came home from her Dads last night and was happy to show me her new bra her step-mom bought for her. Well its a hot pink PADDED bra size 34 A. She is 9 and she does need one, but I just feel like the padded ones make people look bigger. It does fit her fine I just feel like she shouldn't be wearing a bra like that(yet). Her step-mom and I are very close and I don't know it I should tell her that I don't want her wearing that kind yet. Is this normal do i let her now and try to get over the fact that my baby is growing up. Has anyone else gone through this. and if so this early. Please help with my feelings! N.

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So What Happened?™

First i should start by saying that this is not her first bra. I started buying them for her when school started in September. She at first only started wearing them when she needed to based on the shirt she was wearing. Her Dad throws a fit if she doesn't have one on and so im sure thats where this all started. Anyways i haven't talked to her step-mom yet, but i have decided to put that one up for a while and go buy some new stylish ones with her. She seems to agree and be fine with that decision:) Thanks again:)

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when i got my oldest daughter her first bras even 34A's could be hard to find much less non padded. Think of it this way if she gets cold no one can she thru her shirt she is cold. that would be a big embarassment to her.

i hope this helps some

M.

I would be upset about a number of things in this situation. I agree that she is not ready for that kind of bra yet, I would talk to the step-mom about this. I would also be really upset if someone else took my daughter out to buy her first bra without my permission. That is supposed to be a mom and daughter thing and if a step mom took my daughter to get her first bra I would definately be upset and talking to her about over stepping her bounds.

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Our culture is so keen on over sexualizing our children that its no wonder you're upset by this type of bra, its certainly NOT the training bra that I had. I think you should talk to the step mom and let her know your concern, and maybe go pick out a few plain simple training bras instead of sexy ones for your daughter. I'd be upset about this type of bra for my daughter even as a teenager, but especially at 9, that is WAY TOO YOUNG to be concerned with looking sexy. I'm sure she's just excited to feel like she's growing up, as I was at that age, so encourage something more age appropriate!

1 mom found this helpful

I would take her shopping for a diffrent bra withut padding and talk to the step mom! It is your responsability to make sure that your daughter is not forced to grow up too fast! A padded bra is too mature for a 9 year old!
BLessings Katria

Yikes, I am totally with you on this one. I also started wearing bras around that age and I remember my mother buying me actual "training" bras- the plain white ones with no padding. After reading the other posts I am wondering what message we are sending to our little girls that padded ones are the only ones available? If I were you I would definitely go with your feelings though. Maybe her stepmother was just trying to be helpful but you are her mother and ultimately it should be your (and her father's) decision. Best of luck to you!

Training bra time is a great time to "train" your daughter on what is appropriate. Go shopping together and you will realize that most bras for young girls are padded. I got all types of bras for my daughter, sports bras for athletics, and the bright color, fun and mostly padded bras, and some simple white, beige bras. Your daughter needs to know when to where each. Also which bras go with which outfits. My daughter where two or three camis/tank tops together. For that I'm grateful. However at 9-11 several girls start wearing the "fun" bras and want them to show with a see through tank or cami. You need to talk to her about that more than whether the bra is slightly padded or not. This is a time to talk about how she expresses herself throuh clothes and that includes which bras she selects. Peer pressure it tough, but set a clear expectation and stick to it!! The middle school and high school years are difficult for girls to figure out who they are. It all could start with the training bra discussion.

I would be upset about a number of things in this situation. I agree that she is not ready for that kind of bra yet, I would talk to the step-mom about this. I would also be really upset if someone else took my daughter out to buy her first bra without my permission. That is supposed to be a mom and daughter thing and if a step mom took my daughter to get her first bra I would definately be upset and talking to her about over stepping her bounds.

I would say that your daughter seems at peace with the changes in her body. If she's happy about a bra, then it's probably time to have the talk with her, support her excitement about growing up, and have a girls' day shopping to get a couple more. Then you can monitor what's being bought, and edge your two cents in there on the matter. But there still are some unpadded that could make her just as happy.
Just to empathize with you, it isn't easy to let go of the last baby. My youngest son is in the Air Force, and it is a bittersweet thing. I'm incredibly proud of him, but wowie do I miss him big time, just because he's a neat person to be around and we do share a bond. But despite that he's chosen a good path and made a good choice all on his own and I can live with that. He's a good kid.
but I still miss him bunches.

sometimes, the Padded bra isn't so much to make you look sexy and voluptuous, as it is to hide your nipples from poking through your clothes. maybe your daughter is embarrassed by this...I know I was!
9 is a bit young, my daughter is nine, and doesn't have a bra...but if your daughter is devoloping in her chest area, then you don't have a choice...she needs a bra.
If she's not devolping, and just wants to be "in or cool" then take it away.

My daughter is 3, but after reading the other responses I felt the need to play devil's advocate.

I definitely think hot pink is a little much for a 9 yr. old. However, since I don't know how heavily padded the bra is, I thought I would offer this input - when I was (MUCH OLDER) but (FINALLY) in need of my first bra, my stepmother bought me a padded bra because it helped to smooth things out. Especially when first developing, girl's "figures" can be a little "pointy" and the padding helps to make that less noticeable. I would have been very embarrassed had I not had a padded bra to hide that.

Just a thought. But, ultimately, what really matters is what you feel is appropriate for your daughter. You certainly don't want her new fashion to send her the wrong message.

I think that alot of nine year old girls I see could use a bra, padded is really not acceptable at this age. And hot pink could be pushing it. A simple white or nude training bra would be alot better.

I am in the same boat, as fas as my 9 year old needs a bra. Have you looked at some of them lately?

It's been a while since I had to find a 34A, but a friend of mine wears that size. The only place we could even find them was in the younger section. I think the store just puts them over that way because of the size, there are a lot of teenagers who wear that size. However, you can also find the High School Musical/Hanna Montana ones right there also. Because their are a lot of older teens and some adults that need them, where you find the size you are going to find both.

It could simply have been that was all the store had in the correct size. It could be the one that she felt look the best on her, or in all honesty she was probably trying to make her happy about something like that. Some girls can be hard to get to wear them, I mean if she really really needs one and feels like she will be more differant at school.

Have you asked your daughter why that one?

Now for the rest of it, I certainly don't need an A cup. I think that was for all of 6 months when I was little; However, all of mine are padded. One of the reasons, is the padding helps aid in smoothing, support and shapping. By helping with the shape, it will give a smoother shape and avoid the directional pointing look.

I think I would simply say, "thank you for taking her, but do you really think she needed a "Hot Pink Padded Bra?"

Your baby is growing up and sometimes with that goes you have to let them pick somethings. My biggest problem would have been this was something you should have done with her. Kind of a right of passage thing for the two of you, not for her step mother and her.

Good luck
Chelle E

Personally I would not let my daughter wear a padded bra. There are plenty of training bras out there that are modest and cover you up. I would teach her that this is not the kind of bra that 9 yr. old wear. Take her to a Justice store and let her pick one out that you both agree on. If you don't want to do this, than somehow lose the bra, and take her out to buy her a new one. Good luck. Also I would talk to the stepmom about your feelings.

Hi,
I took my 9 year old daughter to Sears and had her properly fitted for her first bra. Believe it or not, little girls are developing earlier these days. Plus, if your daughter is a little heavy she will need one (my daugther was 5'0" at 81 lbs...a twig). Kids are very concess of these things, now a days. And if all of her classmates are wearing one, she might just want to fit in.
It boils down to this, if she is developing she needs one. When it comes down to type and style well that is her call (with a little help from an experience older woman....MOM..). You just might want to talk to her and tell her your point of view, maybe just white bra's when she is at school and color bra's on the weekend.... or something like that. Be fore warned, they say once a girl starts to develop in the breast, her cycle will start in the following year........so push up your sleeves and have a talk with her, most likely she has classmates that have already started. Good luck and I hope this helped.
Lisa

My daughter is also nine and I felt the same way you do. However, I bought the other kind and it just didn't seem to help depending on the clothes she wore. I don't let her wear anything too tight just some shirts lay differently and bras are definitly needed. I think you should express your concerns if they are really bothering you. But she is growing up and unfortunitly a lot faster then we did as kids!!

It's hard to find ones that are not padded, designed etc. I try to steer her towards solid colors so that it doesn't show through anything. Nude or white doesn't always work, we moms know that too and we buy other colors for our wardrobe. My daughter prefers the padded ones, and I'm ok with the padded ones, she's so self-conscious right now at her age, and it's not a large amount of padding to begin with either, and my daughter likes them so the boys don't tease her when her nipples are cold. My daughter is almost 12 and she started wearing one around age 9.

It's difficult to find the old fashioned kind of training bras for the most part. But then again 30 years ago things were A LOT different than they are now.

As far as the step-mother doing it, perhaps dad said something to her because he noticed she needed one? Dad has a right as a parent to be as involved as mom, and thinking otherwise is a bit selfish. I'm sure dad realized that having a female go with his daughter would be better than him going afterall. I wouldn't be upset until you find out the facts first.

Wow.

First, she's NINE. YOU are the mother. If YOU feel it is inappropriate for a nine year old (and seriously, I don't think a nine year old needs to be wearing anything that makes them look bigger, older, whatever...) then she shouldn't be wearing it. Little girls should be allowed to be just that... little girls. Nine years old is STILL a little girl! You're not over reacting.

Second, in my humble opinion, it was inappropriate for the step-mom to buy that for her without first discussing it wiht you. Regardless of how well you get along. She's YOUR daughter.

I would have a conversation with your daughter. Tell her that you understand she does need to be wearing a bra, but you just don't think the one her step mom bought is the right one for her at this point. Tell her that you will plan a special day, just the two of you and go purchase a pretty bra that is just right for her. You could have lunch together, make it all very special. I think if you are just honest with her, try to explain your concerns in a way a nine year old can understand, but at the same time let her know you understand she needs it and want to help her with this ... then that will go a long way.

In addition, you DO need to have a converstation with the step mom. She needs to know she crossed the line. First, this is a right of passage that a daughter should go through with her MOTHER. Second, even if you were ok with her buying a bra for your daughter, she should have discussed it with you first to be sure you were ok with it and to find out what you felt was appropriate.

Finally, I think this is a bit of a red flag as far as what Dad and Step Mom think is ok for little girls. You may need to have a conversation with them on how you all are going to proceed into the next phase of your daughters life. How are the pre-teen and teen years going to look. What is ok to do, what is not ok to do. What is OK to wear, what is not. The LAST thing you want is for her to have certain rules at your house and then go to dads and be able to do something you aren't comfortable with. Like, I know I will never be buying my daughter belly shirts. I just don't believe it is appropriate for young girls to be wearing jeans slung down to there and shirts hiked up to here. If my husband and I were divorced, I would be sure to have a conversation with him to ensure we were on the same page. Consistency at any age is critical.

You didn't over react. You're watching out for your daughter.

Good luck. I've been looking for a few months because I'm almost there w my 10 yr old. However, it seems you have to hunt harder for no padding. Unless you go with the sports bra type.

I think you should tell step mom if your daughter don't need padded bra yet. and girls always like cute things and sometimes "regular bra" doesn't have that. some companies sell cute "eye catchy" bra, but often it's not appropriate for tween age (padded wire, push up etc). so thats why my friend has a website that sells cute appropriate tween bras, just for this reason, she ended up making them herself as she coudln't get any nice ones. sorry for the plug but it's http://zinkyzoo.com it has kids appropriate prints and very cute. your kids will like it I think.

I would say she already has it and if you try telling her she can't wear it then your going to be the "bad guy" but I would try to explain to her that padded bra's at her age are not a good idea and how the boys will see her and if her friends or kids at school found out it was padded she might be teased about it.

THAT does not sound like a training bra. I don't think you are over reacting. A hot pink, padded bra is totally inappropriate for a 9 year old. Since she needs a bra, she should have one, but I think the pink and padded sends the wrong message to such a young girl. You have gotten alot of good input in all the responses...go with your gut, it's usually right on!

I rank with those moms that think that if I think its cute and wish they had it in my size my preteen daughter WILL NOT be wearing it. :-)
My daughter chose to get more of the tank style bras instead of the actual "bra" style.(Thank goodness!!!)

I do remember that I liked and like the padded types because of the smoothing factor. it is quite embaressing when your trying to be all cute infront of that one boy in your school and suddenly realize that you really should have your sweater on because of the cold factor.... But you just know that EVERYONE has seen it and you just want to DIE.... :-) Ok, now a trip back from tennybopper land....

I would call up the step mom and have a nice conversation about what both of you feel as being appropriate for her to wear at what ages... Remember that you want her to have similar styles of clothes at each house so she doesn't get confused or think that one "mom" is cooler than that fuddy duddy other "mom"...
Just tell her that you are proud of the fact your daughter will wear a bra and that both of you realized she needed one. But I don't know how I feel about the padded ones... What do you think about them? What about the overly decorated ones? for a 9 yr old? (personally I would say nope)
Have a real bra/ unders discussion... (any idea why they make such sexy looking underwear for kids? Excuse me, bikini unders for toddlers?) Lay it out there and remember...
She is probibly having the same thoughts... This little girl is growing up! Its scarry to all of us with daughters...

Hi N.,

My daughter is 9 also and just started wearing a bra on occassion. Depending on what type of shirt she is wearing determines if she's wearing one that day. I buy her the tank top bras they sell at Target in the girls section by where the underwear and socks/tights are. The tank top bra as I call it is like a sports bra but they also have tank tops that are long and have the lining inside that act like a bra. My daughter would not be wearing a padded bra yet as she just needs something right now to cover her up and smooth her out...not draw more attention. I highly recommend though that when she is able to wear a real bra that you take her some where and get her professionally fitted. I live in Brighton and there is a great bra store called HUSH that has well made bras and salespeople who really know what they are doing. Good luck to you! I'm in the same boat...our babies are growing up! :(

I believe it's the mom's privilege to buy her daughter's first bra when the time is right for mom and daughter. It is your choice what your daughter wears, and no one else's feelings matter where that is concerned. That is your right as a parent.

I feel those bras are inappropriate for young ladies. They'll be "big girls" soon enough. I have 2 daughters and both need to wear bras. I buy them Lily of France at Kohl's. They are soft cup bras, not underwire and not padded. They come in white and pink and are age appropriate.

For now, I would put the bra aside and take her shopping for some that you feel are best for her. Explain that when she gets a little older, she can wear that one, but for now, you have something more special in mind for her. Take her to lunch and make it a fun mother/daughter day.

If step mom is offended,tell her you appreciated the gesture, but that the bra makes your 9 year old look too grown up and you'd like to see her stay little as long as possible. If she's a mom, she'll understand. Good luck!!

Wow. I still remember when I was that age and I came home with a training bra (why are they called that? what are the girls trained to do?). My mom took it away from me and made a huge deal out of it. Trauma! Please don't do that!

I'd encourage you to just pick one up that you feel is appropriate and encourage your daughter to wear it instead. Make it a girls date! How fun.

Good luck.

S.

when i got my oldest daughter her first bras even 34A's could be hard to find much less non padded. Think of it this way if she gets cold no one can she thru her shirt she is cold. that would be a big embarassment to her.

i hope this helps some

M.

Hi N. - I think you need to take a couple of things into consideration - and I will be quite blunt here - I was a child with large nipples - and even when wearing training bras they poked through the fabric and could be seen under my clothes and this was very embarrassing to me - back then, honestly, I don't think they even had the padded training bra. A true training bra - I don't think that has padding anyway - .....what a funny name it is to me - training - as though your breasts need to be trained to wear a training bra? Now, with all that said, I am on your side as far as the padding thing goes - at her age - 9 - she doesn't need to make herself look bigger. I think comfort and self confidence are the key things to consider here and I would talk it over with your daughter and then maybe also the step mom. I hope this has helped some!! Musically, M.

well my daughter is 9 and she started wearing a bra last year, I started with the training bras but she developed quickly in 1 years time so now the training bras dont fit well and her nipples still show through them so she wears a padded bra now and yea they make them a bit lavish for kids but its this time we live in, all kids stuff seems so grown-up compared to what we had at that age. I would buy her a couple other ones and get ones not so overdone, something you like but places like target all sell these padded bras in the kids section

OMG! Does stepmom have a daughter of her own? I would be LIVID. She is 9 not 19. Go say something. I would also have a talk with your daughter and try to explain why you don't like the bra and go buy her an appropriate one. Kids are very smart.
The sooner you clear the air with stepmom the better your relationship with stay with her.
Good luck

Cyndi

I am 11 now and i wear black and red sexy bras and my mom doesnt say anything so i think u r overreacthing!!!!<3

Hi, it isn't as if she came home with purple hair, a couple of tatoos and multiple body piercings. Let it GOOO! Denise K. (How great that you have a close relationship with her step-mom!)

Hi N.. First of all, please don't feel bad---You are your daughters advocate right now. So don't stay quiet. Our instincts are usually right, we just choose not to follow them because we don't want to hurt feelings. If you have a good relationship with this step-mom, she will understand. (and if not, is that really your problem? Speak in Truth and Love and you can't go wrong!) My 9 yr old daughter & I went bra shopping this year and I was so surprised to see that we had to go to several stores to find a bra that WASN'T padded! I mean, REALLY! What kind of a message are we sending to our little girls? we ended up with sports bra's--very comfortable and appropriate. Society is already pushing to make them grow up so fast. I would have a talk with your daughter after the stepmom to let her know that it was nice for her to take you shopping, but let's save the hot pink one for when you're older, and go shopping for ones that are much more age-appropriate and comfortable. My daughter asked me why would someone wear a padded one?!? She said they talked about it at school and it was because "boys like bigger boobs". Straight from the kids......

I just took my step-daughter to buy bras a couple of weeks ago and almost all of them in the store were the padded. I was kind of shocked that they would even make padded bras that small! But, we did find some non-padded ones and she was fine with that. Unfortunately, I think it was probably just a matter of what is available in the stores these days. Probably 90% of the bras were padded - even in the "training bras". I would suggest looking at Kmart for the non-padded ones and telling your daughter you are going to put away the padded bras until she is a bit older. I would mention to her step-mom that you are uncomfortable with the padded bras because they seem a bit too mature for her age. I'm sure she will understand - especially if you have a good relationship with her.

Wow... I would totally not want my daughter wearing a padded bra at 9. Give the step-mom a call and share your feelings with her, honestly is always the best policy!

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