Toxic SIL

If your sister in law is so toxic, why are you so eager to have a relationship with her? Also, trying to catch them in a lie by going through her Facebook to find out what they were doing over the weekend? You have to re-think YOUR actions. You ARE acting in a passive-aggressive manner. She gave you the "bait" and you took it and ran! You are creating the drama.

Un-inviting them to a Catholic/Christian event??? Huh? Both of you being in a Church, together, might be the best thing for you.

You can't change anyone's actions but your own and trying to do so, makes you a "Codependent person". (i.e. your comment... "just allowing their behavior to continue"...") You might want to consider finding a book on the subject. . Stop making them something they are not. Sorry they do not wish to see your baby and, yes, that is unfortunate. Time may heal and eventually you may develop a relationship with them but, work to change your attitude about the situation. I would let the whole situation die down, stop putting your MIL in the middle, and let the day be about your baby. You don't have to accept their ill-behavior but it sounds like you are encouraging them to be part of your life and, unfortunately, by doing so, you will have to either accept their B.S. or limit your association with them.

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Hi L.,
Congrats on your new baby! Don't let this emotional vampire suck away your new-baby joy! Clearly she's the one with the problem, you know it, your husband knows it, his whold family knows it. Be above that BS, it's her loss to not know your precious angel.

I'd add that there may be more going on than you know with her, she may be having issues in her marriage where she wants another baby and her dh doesn't or infirtility or something that would keep her from wanting to see how happy your baby has made you. We can't always know what is happening with others, particularly the family members who drive us most crazy.

I'd say re-invite her to the party, be polite but don't go out of your way, just let her be present and do not let her get under your skin. You have the power to rise above & she clearly doesn't. You'll create a lot of hard feelings and you have to live with this extended family for the rest of your life so it's best to make nice & do what you can to clear things up.

Then you can proceed with a clean conscience, if things blow up again, you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did what you could & it's beyond your power to fix. Sis-in-laws can be tricky even in the best of situations!

If she's a crank when you re-invite her, blame your hormones & it'll smoothe over. Sometimes people know they're wrong and can't admit it, if you overlook it, they might make it up to you.

Good luck and smooch that baby, he or she needs your attention now, not some attention-hogging emotional vampire!
D.

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L.:
This is a bad situation. I am so sorry that this person seems so wrapped up in themselves that they can't take a few hours out to meet the newest blessing and member of the family.

I know it will be hard, but try to forgive her. This does not mean that you need to have a relationship with her- which I know the thought of is sad since she is family, but if she is not a positive person in your life and not a good role model for your children- then be nice at family events, forgive her for this because it will just hurt you more in the end if you do not, and let her go.

I do have family like this and I have been so much healthier since I have just forgiven them and moved on. When she grows up and realizes what she is missing- maybe you guys can work it out then, but I would not count on that being anytime soon.
Good luck. I'll pray for ya!
Katie

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You said yourself that you wish you had handled this a little differently. Yes, they should apologize. Yes, they should be nicer and more considerate. But you can only change you and your reaction. You can't make them do right, you can only choose to walk right yourself.

I would encourage you to tell them you are sorry for the wisecrack. Admit that you should have handled it in a different manner. Then share that you have just been really hurt because you want them to see the baby, etc.
I would then think about extending an invitation back to the baptism, with an invintation to 'start fresh'.

At this point in your mind, I would encourage you to not expect anything from them. Just accept where they are at, and find you deeper fellowship with other people. Pray that you can forgive them, and just accept where they are at. If a stranger acted this way, it wouldn't hurt because the expectations aren't there. Take away the expectations, and enjoy others in your life.

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It sounds like YOU need to grow up here! Why are you nosing on her FB trying to figure out why they are not coming over to see your new baby? Spending time with the family and watching Star Wars together could have been a planned family event and i see nothing wrong with it. As far as uninviting them to the baptism, I think that is such an immature thing to do, and it does make you look not so great to the rest of the family. I would suggest talking face to face not through FB and let them know how you feel that they have not come to see the baby. You cannot make them see the baby, that is their choice. It sounds like all of you need to grow up, but since she probably will not change you need to be the bigger person and let it go. Do not alienate them from any contact from your children, afterall, isn't that what you wanted in the first place? This just seems really petty to me in the big scheme of things. All you can do is let her know how you feel. Apologies are in order on both sides here...Good luck to you.

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L.
I have been there and lived that nightmare. I finally got to the point where enough was enough. I did not want a confrontation becasue like you the sil would just blow it out of proprtion and no matter what I would be the bad guy.
I just stopped bothering with them, stopped inviting them to our home or going to anything at thiers. When my Mil asked why I just told her I am tierd of the Jr high drama and choose to not be a part of it. WHen she started in a tirade in how I was bad person because this was family I flat out told her that if she wanted to be part of that drama that she was not welcome in our home.
That was 10 years ago and life has been so much better. If we all are together they all know that if any of them start with the drama, my husband and I will not hesitate to just leave

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Well, I was so glad to hear you sate...."I wish I had handled this differently..."
YOu need to RELAX and just live your wonderful life....If people come to visit FINE and if they do not....FINE TOO!
Stop taking things so personal...and STOP checking up on what is on their facebook page and coming to conclusions about their intentions and other social obligations....
They may have had a family illness or financial concerns or feel badly that they do not have their own new baby or????
NOw I am sure that you are immediately thinking...."THAT's not it....YOu have it all wrong!''''
I do not! YOu give people power over you when you have EXPECTATIONS that they might not fulfill...When you CARE LESS ....They will CARE MORE!
EVEN if they meant to slight your family....If it simply never entered your head because you were too busy and happy to notice....it would 'FROST THEIR COOKIES" and they'd quit doing things like that....MOREOVER, If you are being the sensitive one, being happy and taking care of yourself and your family will pay off in big dividends for all....If I were you, I'd apologize in writing and blame it on to post-partum mood swings...and invite them to the baptism so that all can be together and meet without of town family members...
" Dear ....., I am so sorry, what was I thinking...I was just so focused on our new addition to the family that I expected everyone to be as thrilled as we were and to make time to see her as soon as she arrived...This was inconsiderate of me...Please find it in your heart to join us all at our baptismal event on ....at ......
Sincerely,
I realize that there may have been harsh words on the other side too but, on this one,,,,TAKE THE HIGH ROAD And be the BIGGER PERSON... lIfe is too short for family feuds...
I have a friend like this who is always into herself and she cannot hear when others try to tell her so we just work around her idiosincracies and do not try to change her at all...Just never let her bring us down! Smiles &
Congrats on your new little one! D. J

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Wow, alot of interesting responses. I did not read them all, started to get a little irritated..LOL. I think Victoria G gave some solid advice!

You know what, you are human so for all these responses of get over it and move on...come on, we all have feelings and you should explore those feelings. I think alot of times the source is not what you expect and I think Victoria touched on some of that. I think that your SIL does have some jealousy issues with you for what ever reason and she is insecure around you and there for is sabotaging the relationship and the others relationships with you and you family. How sad for her!

I also agree with the idea that Victoria had of why do you need her approval? I have a similar situation going on but not within the family and this lady is so mean to me and I keep allowing it to hurt me. Reality is, that she has the issue and I need to find it within myself to let go of the need for her to like me/accept me, whatever. I don't even like this women and would not want her as a friend but keep getting blown away by how mean she is to me for NO reason.

So these are all sitatuions that help us grow and it DOES NOT need to be a harsh GET OVER IT! How about a more gentle approuch of seeing her for what she is and deciding for yourself that SIL is the one with the issues and you are not going to play the game.

Boundaries are VERY important and you DON'T have to put up with her behavior. You DON'T!! But don't feed yourself with Facebook and don't treat her the way she treats you, don't play the game. Remain true to yourself and it will lessen the anxiety of the situation. I bet once she sees that you are not interested in her game she will either give up and see that she is wrong or she might not be capable of seeing her behavior and you not playing will only feed her to do it more because she is not getting a reaction. Please know this is about her and this is not your problem.

What does your gut say about inviting them again? I certainly don't think you were wrong for uninviting because that to me is drawing boundaries on behavior that you are not going to deal with. However, inviting them could be the first thing in not playing her game. If I did it, I think I would be very clear that the behavior is not appropriate and was hurtful. You would like them to be apart of this special day and hope that things can change. It then remains their choice and you can see where her behavior goes. You might have to make some decisions later about your relationship with them.

I think alot of people think that because it is family that you should take what ever is dished out to you and I couldn't disagree with that more. Family should not be treating you like that in the first place and if they do then they should be treated like any other Joe in your life, it is called self respect! You have every right to draw a line/boundary and what a wonderful thing to teach you children about being true to themselves and not accepting bullies and people intentionally hurting you.

This is a hard one, you have to dig deep. Don't listen to the "shoulds" or the "guilt". Put your mind to the side and listen to your gut, your heart.

Good luck!! And good for you for standing up to inappropriate behavior, you and your family don't deserve it. It is hard to be the one that stands up :-)

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L.-

I have been their and done that. Uphold your standards and do not let any pressure change how you handle these situations. Her behavior on a public forum is less than excusable. This is a big problem with our society--turn off the idiot box and live your life. Just because they are blood relation does not mean that you "owe" them anything. They are responsbile for their behavior let the chips fall where they may.

I think you have done the right thing and stick to your standards. I do not speak with my mother and father because they are from the same mold and I let it go about 10 years ago and have never been happier.

Best wishes and congrats on the new addition.

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Unfriend both SIL and BIL on facebook, you don't need that aggravation. Also, I wouldn't engage in any conversation with other family as to why they are not present at the baptism. It's nobody else's business that you don't get along and you'll look worse by dragging it out in public. Just have a couple of noncommittal statements ready if someone has the audacity to ask. If someone asks where they are you can honestly say, I don't know or I'm not sure. You don't owe any extra explanation and I wouldn't provide any, even if there is an awkward silence afterwards.

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I've got to agree with MR on this one. There is no good way out of this situation, especially since the MIL is on their side, or more so than yours anyway. I always think taking the high road is the best advice. No matter what they try to do, how they try to get under your skin, let it go. The family will see in the end who's being immature and who isn't. They may not see it right away but if this keeps up and the MIL is already taking more of their side, this will only get worse and worse for you. You will start to be deemed combative, argumentative, etc, and then the rest of the family will start to pull away. Personally, I think they are the real a'holes and not you but for whatever reason, they don't want to be apart of your lives. So what. You have everyone else in the world who can love and accept you. And the Facebook thing, oh Lord. You need to stop looking there for info. I know you want to because it makes you more aware of what's going on in a situation you feel you have no control over but if she's going to post info like that, there is no reason at all to look there and get that upset over it. It simply isn't worth it. So you can confront her again and then she will make it worse and worse but nothing will be solved. I would ignore it, give diplomatic responses when asked about it and this will go away. If no one's making a big stink over it, no one will care. If they continue to make a big deal, they will eventually look like the jerks but if you keep involved in this, you will be the jerks. Those are basically your options. No matter how much you're right or how much this hurts, you can't make them like you and obviously they are not the people you can confront and get anywhere with. You can lead a horse to water...you're in that kind of a situation. Although extremely sad and hurtful, they are people not worth your time associating with. You need to focus on the good in your life, your daughter's batism for instance, and not this BS. I wish you all the luck. I have been in a similar situation but with my ex's friends. Many of them acted like this towards me and they were a very tight knit group that we saw frequently. I didn't stand a chance. If I acted out, asked questions, I was deemed insecure and a whole bunch of other things. I realized later that I just needed to keep my head high. I knew what I knew about myself, even if these people obviously didn't. Just remember that. Your life is meant to be lived for YOU, not for what other people think about you.

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Wow . I thought my SILs were rude . I hope you can forget all about her and enjoy the baptism. You have done nothing wrong and desevre a BIG apology.Your husband and children are all that matter. If someone brings it up just say that she has no respect for your family . You or your husband can explain it to your MIL if she asks but I wouldn't bring it up to her if she doesn't.Don't worry , people will see her for who she truly is eventually. Hang in there :)

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Hi L.,

I also have challenging in laws. However, sometimes you just have to suck it up and be the bigger person. You are stuck when they are part of your family. I'm sure your daughter is beautiful, but they are the ones missing out (and their kids). It's a shame that some people are so selfish and self indulged, but unfortunately we can't control them or their actions. I would have your husband (or you if you can) call and reinvite them and put the ball in their court. This way they are the ones that look bad if they still don't come.

Good luck!

Jen

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Do we have the same SIL?? LOL I have the same problem with a few in-laws and a couple of "friends" who have yet to see my 17-month old son or my new home I moved into a year ago.

Here is what I have learned and what I would do:

First, people who are secure with themselves are not mean to other people and actually want to celebrate other people's news. I bet your SIL is jealous of you in some way.

Second, is your SIL a "friend" on Facebook. If so, she knew her comment would get back to you. I would send her a message that you saw it and it hurt. I used to be a mediator at Center for Conflict Resolution, so in my training it is important to tell the other person how you feel if you are stuck on the issue. It can be done with a "just the facts" without any name calling or other drama (e.g. "I saw your posting calling us #*!!?? and it hurt.") The ball is then in her court and she cannot argue with a fact or your feelings. I would also say something about yourself being out of line with the comment, yet your comment didn't warrant that harsh of response. You are then free of the situation.

I would then delete her as a friend so you don't get caught up in her drama. I would also ask your husband to handle this with his brother since they are the ties here.

As for your MIL, I agree with the one posting that said you will always be the in-law. My MIL had breast cancer and I cooked for her almost every day, sent meals downstairs in the 2-flat we owned with her, did errands, etc. Didn't see any of her 3 daughters come over except to deliver fast food now and then (which probably helped cause the cancer). My MIL said I was more of a daughter to her than her 3 girls. We'll one of her daughters got upset at me and my MIL threw me under the bus and turned several family members against me. It was over my MIL's brother, who was a drug-addict and was in liver failure with only a year to live. I stupidly let him move in with my MIL downastairs. Shortly thereafter he started cursing at the kids for being too loud upstairs, started cursing them out with the F word,and he started exposing himself to our children.I had him removed from our property. My toxic SIL didn't want to take the druggie in around her children either, but she yelled and screamed at me, even slapped my 11 yoa, for throwing the man out. She then wrote letters to us "from a concerned neighbor" accusing my then 14 yo daughter of having sex in the basement with neighborhood boys. Being a lawyer, I took the handwritten letters to a court expert on handwriting and got it confirmed that it was the SIL who wrote the letters. My MIL refuses to believe it and actually lied in court to protect her daughter when we went to get the restraining order against the SIL.

Needless to say, I removed my MIL and all the other toxic people from my life. It has been 12 months and my husband and kids frequently say how peaceful life is now.

Finally, you have to look at why you need the SIL approval so much. It gives her power over you. I did it for 7 years, so I know.

After I didn't care anymore, 2 of my toxic SIL and my MIL were graveling for us to be part of the family again and at a recent family funeral, they were very humble and meek, unlike their obnoxious behavior in the past where they thought it was funny that I was sitting by myself. This time I was by myself because I CHOSE to be and I gave off that confidence. It was a very different attitude than in the past where I was the outcast.

There is a book on boundaries that I recommend. I will have to look for it and get you the title and author.

I had to look at myself and wonder why I even wanted these people in my life. As I tell my husband, we wish we could be one big happy family, but we have to deal with reality and what we actually have instead of what we want.

Good luck!

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1. Plan to only see your SIL/BIL at large family gatherings for family members who invite you all. Other than that, don't invite them to anything or expect invitations to their events. When you do see, be polite and civil and don't allow them to engage you in any arguments. Don't worry about what they are telling anyone. If anyone tells you that you need to do something about your relationship with them, tell that person (as politely as you can) that it is none of their concern.
2. "Unfriend" them on FB so that you aren't getting upset by her constant status updates (and the whole nasty comment on FB while being nice to your face is p/a). You just don't need to know what she's up to or what she thinks.
3. Go to www.motherinlawstories.com for support or to vent. They have forums for all different family members and one big general one for just family issues. You'll find people who have been where you are.

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Can she go on Mamasource? You must be in your 30's. How I wish i could go back and live those years with the wisdom of my 60 years. So this is what I have learned. My advice for this day is to grovel, grovel, grovel. You know what kind of person she is. You do not need hubbies family to side up with you. Call her up and apologize. "I'm sorry for the things that I said, we want you to come to the christening and hope that we can just put all this behind us." The thing is, you absolutely, positively cannot change this lady. Don't bother pointing out her faults to her or think that by doing this or that you can come out on top in the situation. This is family, not politics, and the rules that apply are that these people are a part of your life for all your life and you just accept them as they are, non-visiting, facebook living folk. Don't expect to be friends, just civil and maybe even a little phony. Don't try to do anything together just what is required, like holidays, christenings, etc. Don't talk about her with any other family members, just with friends. Decide with your husband on whether you want to follow this approach I am suggesting. You will always be an in-law and so don't expect MIL to take your side. These are the battles that you loose if you win them. Keep her in perspective and build your life around your own kind of nice people.

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I have read all the responses to date and many of them are right on - do not pay attention to those that tell you that you are in the wrong. I have been with my husband for 20 years - married for more than 18. I put up with a lof of garbage in those years. About 3 years ago we had a huge blow up and I have not spoken to my mil or fil since. Both of husband's siblings live out of state so our dealings are minimal and we do not do bdays or holidays together.

My advice is this....let your husband have whatever kind of relationship with his family that he wants but you do not have to subject yourself or your children to any of it. IF they do not like it, too bad. Your husband should explain why their behavior has resulted in this. If they change fine, if not, than you will no longer be hurt.

Fortunately I have a good family and many, many good friends and I do not miss the drama AT ALL!

Keep your chin up!

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You have already gotten a lot of good advice. I just wanted to say that (as you can already tell) you are definatly not alone. I have a SIL who is somewhat like that. We invited them to my son and daughter's b-day party. Both times they said they were coming and then at the last minute called and canceled. We lived near them and it was a new town for us so the only ones that were going to be there were my MIL/FIL and them. The second time I was very upset and my MIL called them and somehow convinced them to come. (She did it when I wasn't around, but I could tell she did :) ). The excuse we always get is "(SIL) is tired" or something like that and her husband (BIL) doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her. They just do whatever she wants.
We have since moved away. I had a baby a month and a half ago and they were close visiting her family and chose not to stop and see our baby. (After they said they would), but we just said oh well and go on living.
Chances are people in your family already know how she/they are. They find ways to ignore it or continue with their lives. My SIL has been rude to almost every member of the family to the point that my MIL almost stopped going to their house. In the end you find a way to be civil, but don't go out of your way.

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So my inlaws are kind of passive aggressive and toxic as well. Luckily, we live about 8 hours from them so they only come with advance notice. I still have to watch what I say so that I don't offend, etc. Still, I after they are gone, my husband hears all of the "things I have said or done." I feel like an outcast a lot of times in the family. I am completely ignored at times and tolerated at others. My SIL actually came to visit us when I was pregnant and still working. They were staying in a hotel. I took the day off of work in order to go with them. They left me sitting at home alone while they went to a museum that I had said I wanted to go with them too. Being pregnant, I was so emotional and just cried for about an hour. After they went out, they came to my house to get something that they had forgotten and asked directions to where my husband was. He was golfing with his brother. When I finally joined them, my husband asked why I wasn't with them. I simply stated "I wasn't invited." Needless to say, I was very hurt by the situation. My SIL has never apologized.

After my long winded story (sorry) my advice is this: Try not to let them get to you. If they don't want to see you, that is their choice and their loss. It sounds as if you don't really need to be around them anyway. I would probably still issue the invite since the entire family is attending, but otherwise, don't push the relationship. They are going to think what they want, but I would try to be the bigger person. Lead by example. We are all adults, but it seems as if in families age doesn't matter. It turns into childish behavior. CRAZY!!!

Good luck
H. L.

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Hi L., It is so stressful when we have in laws that are hard to deal with...I was told a long time ago, "we can choose our friends, but we can't choose our relatives"...I don't think there is a family in this world that one of the members don't see eye to eye...reading your message brought me back to my first marriage and of all the in-law problems that I had to go through...I was so young and had no idea how to handle all that was going around me...back in the 60's and 70's there was no Facebook or internet...so, our feelings were not made public, but if they were, I could just imagine what they would have said...just like you, it would have been devastating...till this day my ex and I don't even talk, and our kids are hurt by there father's actions, now I don't have to deal with any of the insults or terrible behavior from him or his family...no one should have their feelings hurt by family members or anyone for that matter...I was taught to love everyone as you would love yourself...when I see a family memeber or friend doesn't care to be part of my life...I just love them and pray for them from a distance and let go lovingly...I'm getting older and much wiser...I understand that you can't make everyone like you...you will be in my prayers, and may God bless you and your new little one, Love Jo

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Nope, not alone! We have a few colorful characters in our family as well. While it is unfortunate, they are in their own selfish element. You should not feel guilty in the least, if you are approached about why they were "uninvited" The truth always works, perhaps phrased

"WE wanted to surround our daughter with friends and family that were here for the right reason, the Baby"

Facebook can be a bit like high school with the passing of notes and all. So for that I contend that rumors may spread like wildfire but the truth will outlast it and often stomp it out.

My theory with these types is to be more aggressive, let them know that your responsibility is your immediate family, ie your hubby and children. They are now extended family and if you deem their behavior inappropriate for your children then that is what it is.
Truly passive/aggressives would open a facebook and reduce to their behavior and level. The moderate P/A would invite them to the party and in the toast make it crystal clear that their behavior and actions were not only inappropriate but will not be tolerated at future family functions, but we love ya!
The sympathy card caveat is extending the olive branch, with the preface of they "GET" to. I am prior military service and often was unable to attend family events, due to deployments and such. So the opportunity to be able to "get" to an event in itself is indeed a treasure! Your baby is a treasure that you wish your BIL and SIL would view as a treasure. While you cannot change their perception of your family or who you are, you can be the bigger person. Nope, still can't beat the smart into someone who is stupid. That still hasn't changed in our world. No matter what, your baby is special. People will be there for the right reasons, if it's not family maybe it's the neighbor that teaches piano. Maybe it's one of your best friends that helps with a bully issue at school. Maybe it is one of the churchladies that takes an interest in your kid becuz, she isn't near her own grandchild and yours looks a bit like hers. Anyway family is what we make of it, not what we are forced to deal with. So deal with it on your terms not theirs.

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L.,

Your not alone. My sil is pretty awful and has tried numerous times to destroy my relationship with my husband, my husbands family and my husband and his brothers relationship. All I can say is she has continued to fail. We all have her number but my bil has no plans of leaving her because of their kids. I find the most important thing is to not make it about how you feel and try and be the "bigger" person when it comes to your husbands relationship with his brother. This way you look good and you put it in your husbands boat to deal with. This is his brother and he should express how he feels to him. I know you would like an apology but sometimes as I know quite well you don't always get what you want when it comes to in laws. I have never gotten an apology from them but as time goes by my in laws and husband have stopped making excuses and understand how I feel. When I do see my sil we are pleasant but that is it. I only do for her what she does for me. I do love my neice and nephew but I have become okay with not seeing them as much. I hope this helps, sorry to ramble on, it is hard to right down how to help this situation. Just wanted you to know your definitely not alone.

L.

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Hi L.,

As much as you'd like to keep things smooth in the family. Your in-laws are clearly showing a lack of interest. Being an aunt and uncle is not a right it is a priviledge. I can't tell you what to do but if any member of my husband's family treated me that way, I'd cut them out, too. My husband would have to support that decision. No need to defend you just tell his parents. Look, they disrespected us publicly and made their feelings known. We are responding to that and are very hurt. Period. Don't let them control you. What your SIL wrote was terrible. I'm sorry for your situation. Good luck. Do what you need to do for you and for YOUR family.

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Wow, I thought I was the only one with a dysfunctional family. Well, sister in law can get dumped one day or she will be there forever. I had a baptism problem once. Toxic step-father lied and said he wasn't invited to my mom, (which he was and I personally told him and sent an invitation-who knows what happened with that?) so my mom didn't go. Or him. Needless to say her friends were at the baptism and it was embarrassing. I'd invite them again (if you really want them there) expect them to not come and have a good time anyway and be sweet as you sound like you are to everyone anyway. These people don't pay their bills do they? So tell yourself you are going to set an example for your own child and husband and have a great time. Sister in Law is a 'b'word plain and simple and I am sure everyone knows it. Years might calm this situation down, it has with us, but I know how hurt I was. You might be hurt. Don't give this woman a chance to hurt you repeatedly. She is a psychopath (sorry she just sounds like one) and narcisistic and sounds like she isn't happy unless she is causing trouble. You really don't need her in your life. If she says she's sorry then so be it. But if she doesn't surprise her by being calm and handling your life in a nice manner. She is trying to manipulate brother in law. He is the one that has to live with her. You don't. Enjoy your family and your baby. Good luck.

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i unfortunately, through life events out of my control, had to find out the hard way exactly what kind of people certain members of my family were. that said, now that i have a son, i have had to ask myself the important question: " Are these people i would want to chase down to be exposed to my child?" the answer, most often, is no. It has been hard to have no contact with some of my family(i.e. my father) but i am not willing to chase after people who have made it clear that my life and child are not on their list of things to do. My advice, don't confront them, don't keep tabs on them, don't invite them to things, and either one of two things will happen.1. they will now want to be around your child, and they will put forth the effort to do so or 2. they will, out of pride, not be heard from for a while.

Good luck and remember family is what you make it, that can be friends, co workers, etc., it's not just blood related.

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Hi L.
You did exactly right. How dare your sil behave like that. Your children are better off without her in their life. This is such a joyous time in your life don't waste your time thinking about her, she is not worth it. By the way all eyes should be on you and your precious child!! It's your big day not hers. IO would simply let it go you will be so much happier. She brings nothing positive to the relationship and your children don't need that negative energy. Just because your family does not mean you have to get along. I told my Momther for years (regarding family memebers) Just because we are sisters does not mean we have to be friends, I pick and choose the friends I want to share my life with.
You said it perfectly she is toxic, Why would you want that in your life or your childrens, they and you deserve much better. At family functions you can be civil, a simple hello or nothing at all is fine. I too would have uninvited them, now you know to never include them again.
Good Luck!!
Don't be too hard on yourself and remember your not responsbile for the way other people act.
V.

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Wow- your MIL must not be on Facebook, huh? If she had read her other daughter in law called you guys f***ing a**holes, I would think she might understand your feelings about this.

I have to say, I think you are being really sensitive about them not coming to see the baby yet. Unfortunately, it sounds like your family and theirs are just not close and probably aren't ever going to be. It would be great if you were, but in reality, it doesn't sound like you can expect them to want to be involved with your lives much- even for something as wonderful as a new baby in the family. You cannot change their priorities- so just don't make yourself crazy trying to or even worrying about it!

However, with that said- your SIL was TOTALLY out of line to say what she did on Facebook. Even if that is really her opinion, she should have the good manners to keep it to herself. I do think you have every right to 'uninvite' them from the christening. Leave your MIL and SIL to sort their own stuff out- your in-laws must be thrilled over the new grandchild, and maybe your SIL thinks it is taking away attention from her own kids, or some weird thing. But whatever it is- you and your husband and children and new baby are your own family. Don't let relations drive you crazy- if you only see these guys at holidays and smile and just be polite in public, that will have to do. You have your own friends and family and people that love you!

I did not read the other posts but in my opinion it takes two to "tangle". It would have been better had you not engaged in battle by making "wisecracks" or whatever. If somebody is being a jerk, let them be, don't descend to their level. Isn't that what we teach our children? I suspect you feel uncomfortable now because you too were not on your best behavior. If I were you I would try to make amends with your sister-in-law, as in "let's let bygones by bygones", we are family and life is too short for this sort of thing. (It IS.) If she does not respond then she is the schmuck not you. By the way, where is your hubby in all this? It's his family.

This will sound harsh and I'll soften it as much as I can while still trying to get my thought across so please read and consider with an open mind...

It's wonderful that you had a baby (congrats!) However it's YOUR baby and not everyone is interested in running right over to meet YOUR baby even though you've invited them more than once.

For whatever reason, they're not interested. However they're still family and if you're inviting the rest of the family to the Baptism and they've already been invited, you should provide an appology and re-invite them. Here's why...

Though you disagree with THEIR decision to not come and meet your baby, it's their decision. They were spending time with their children. Even if you don't agree as to how that time was spent, it's still their choice and it sounds as if you're passing judgement on how they choose to spend their time. Maybe their plans weren't concrete but carved out for family time with nothing specific in mind and this is what they ended up doing. To some, my Saturdays may look wide open. And some are. Some appear wide open because I haven't scheduduled anything but maybe hanging out with my husband and kids for the day doing whatever we feel like. Even if it's decompressing from a busy week with some down time in front of the tv snuggling on the couch.

I'm sure they don't agree with every decision you make either - you don't like being judged for your decisions, they don't want to be judged for their decisions either.

So, while your comment was made in a joking manner, your SIL seemed sensitive to it and over-reacted in a very public forum. You then responded in an equally public forum (in front of your family) by revoking the invite.

My recommendation - you've asked for it on Mamasource ; ) is to pick up the phone and talk to your SIL - appologize for a situation that is out of hand and a gross misunderstanding. If that's too hard (it's not easy, I know!) then write her a letter, send an email. Tell her you'd like to really put this incident behind you and move forward. You and your husband would love for them to be a part of the Baptism.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

If people(inlaws or otherwise) don't want to have a relationship, they don't want to have a relationship. It doesn't really matter why. These people have made it crystal clear that they don't. I agree with the advice that you are civil when in their presence, otherwise seek out the relatives and friends where there is mutual respect and appreciation.

Oh my gosh! Did these people (SIL and BIL) ever grow up are did they get stuck in high school.

I wouldn't worry about whether or not they ever saw your kids? For what? Did you think you want them to baby sit for you or something?

As far as MIL, I know family stuff is sticky and can get complicated, but most of the stuff people get all worked about doesn't amount to a hill of beans. MIL will either see the light or she won't.

You didn't do anything wrong. Everybody is grown ups. They have other things to do at the baby christening than worry about your stunted SIL and BIL. Like admire the new baby and visit with each other. The only reason all eyes are going to be on you is because of your wonderful children and the nice time people have when they get together and celebrate a joyous occassion.

With two kids and a side business, you have plenty wonderful things in your life. Don't waste time fretting about people and situations you can't change. Don't waste time reading the facebook of someone who isn't a friend or even a nice person. Sounds to me like SIL is jealous and BIL is probably jealous of your hubby.

My advice is pray for them and love them because they are family and sometimes time has a way of working things out.

Hey L.,
Family can be such a pain in butt sometimes, but we still have choices. There are certain parts of my family who have yet to meet my 4 year old simply because I don't feel comfortable around them. I think its hard to set boundaries, especially with family but we have to do it.
I'm sure you could patch things up with your brother and sister in law if you just told them how it made you feel when they didn't seem interested to come and see your new baby. I wouldn't go into the whole facebook issue cause that's her side that she would either apologize for or not- but you really don't have any control over that.
On the otherhand if you and your husband feel that you do not want them at your baby's baptism, then that is your choice. In the end it is your decision and it really doesn't matter what the rest of the family thinks. A bit of tough love perhaps, but it always works well for me. :)
blessings,
J.

First, I think you should stop dealing with your SIL & BIL. This is your husbands brother & his wife. Let your husband deal with his brother. If they don't want to make the effort to see your new baby, than that's their loss, not yours. I would just stop asking them, get over it & move on. I don't think you should uninvite them to the baptism. It just makes you look like the bad guy. I would let them come & just ignore them. If they come & talk to you than you should of course be polite & answer back, but you should not go out of your way to speak with them. They are petty, jealous people & you shouldn't concern yourself with their toxic behavior. Keep the relationship civil & keep your distance. This woman sounds like she enjoys hurting your feelings & making you look bad. Your only defense is to let it roll off your back & not give a damn about her.

Hi L.:

I am from a large close knit family and every family has its issues. I have to remind myself almost on a daily basis that you get to choose friends and not family - this in response to the utter selfishness of my brother and his wife. They have 3 children who are 13, 20 and 21. When their kids were young I went to every birthday party, lots of sporting events, school plays, etc. We always spent every Christmas as a family - all of our siblings and their families. I even flew to Georgia and Florida to visit when they moved away for a few years. Now that I have a 4 year old, they come to nothing. I live in Glen Ellyn and they live in Oswego - they haven't seen us in over a year. Not only birthdays, but any occasion. They make no effort to see my son and they have even decided that they no longer want to celebrate Christmas with us now that their kids are older. My SIL even posts on FB about how adorable all of the preschoolers are at her church group and how she misses preschoolers in her life. Well, to say that my feelings are hurt is just the tip of the iceburg. However, I have come to realize over the past two years of their selfishness that you can only control yourself. While it still makes me incredibly sad (and the rest of my family sees it too), I just have chosen to take the high road and let it go. It takes effort, that's for sure. I wish you the best of luck working through this tough and emotional issue.

Take care,
M.

I too have a pretty toxic SIL. I was wondering how everything went for you at the baptism.

Hi L.,

Sorry that you have such problems with the SIL. My suggestion would be still invited them to the baptism that way you don't appear to be the "bad guy". If they don't attend, it's their loss and not yours. Also, you have extended an invite and a chance for them to see the baby. Another thing, don't go into their facebook anymore, because it seems you are upset everytime you read it. Mind your own business and focus on what's going on with your life.

If you do not like your SIL and she doesn't like you why do you want her in your life? Meeting the baby and stuff? Be happy she is "busy" and has no time to make your life miserable.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I also am in a similar situation and have a toxic SIL. My policy in dealing with anyone toxic is to avoid them as much as possible just for the sake of your and your family's health. If you must see them just be polite but distant. Your health and sanity have to take priority over your relationship with your in-laws. It may be difficult because you may be portrayed as the "villain" as I am with my in-laws but usually doing the right thing is also the harder thing but best in the long run. I hope things get better for you. Hang in there-I know how hard it is sometimes!

Dear L.-

It should be a privledge to meet your baby. If they are making no effort to do so, then that is THEIR problem. Although it is nice to "keep the peace" within families, it is not fair that they have treated you that way. I would make sure that if your husband's family has an issue with why the SIL/BIL were uninvited, that your husband explains to his parents/family why that is. He should not try and protect them from his family. I really can't stand my SIL either (married to my husband's brother also) But my children are close to hers, and all together we are a close family. We have had our "blow outs" in the past, but we have gotten past them. Good luck to you.

Believe me you are not the only one who has issues with inlaws. I would not worry about what the rest of the family is going to think (take it from someone who's been there 1 million times). It seems that the more you try to explain yourself about the situation, the more you look like the one at fault. If she is ignorant and mean enough to post nasty things about you and your husband online the last place she needs to be is at a church. Come on. If she has had no interest in coming to see the baby in more than 3 months why should she be allowed to partake in a very important event in the baby's life? FFFFFFFFF her! The sooner you and your husband learn how to distance yourself from her, even forget about her altogether, the happier and saner you will all be. The stress that comes with all the drama that sister in laws can bring is really not healthy for you or your family (hubby and kids).

I have 2 sister in laws to contend with and the drama that has been going on for the past 11 years has really taken a toll on me. If it's not trouble with the kids or attention given to 1 and not the other, or my kid did this 1st or better than it's always something else. I have 1 sil who is the most pretentious thing you will ever meet; she's the best her husband is the best, her kids look the best, their life is perfect-I'm sure you know the drill. The other sil is toally bi-polar makes up stories and can never get them straight.

I have been trying to distance myself forever and explain myself to everyone. I finally figured out that the more I say to explain myself, the worse I look. My new approach is that I will do what I feel is in the best interest of my family and I know I really have no one to answer to but God. Quite frankly if someone wants to know why I make decisions or do things a different way-WELL-it's none of their business. Do what is right for you and forget the rest.

I'm not saying it's easy, but after a while you'll find what works for you and realize that unless they live in your household, they're not worth the time or energy.

Good Luck!

Enjoy your baby's baptism-it only happens once.

Hi L., I feel for your situation. I also have a toxic SIL, married to my brother. Years ago when I was in my teens and early 20s, we, and their kids, were close, but over time we grew apart, and during that time she honestly became delusional. Not too long ago we had an argument at which time she claimed I "ruined her life" because I grew up and "abandoned" them. I've never done anything mean or even slightly negative to her or her kids. I'm now 37, and my nieces and nephew don't like me, for no reason I can figure other than their mother doesn't. Luckily I have a large otherwise loving family! She has been very hurtful towards me over the years - spiteful comments, demeaning remarks, even an occurrence that was an outright (non-literal) slap in the face. I went through an angry phase about how they treat me, then a nice trying-to-win-them-over phase, but have realized there's no helping the situation. If I'm angry, it only creates more tension and gives her more to work with, and if I'm overly nice they think I'm being phony.
Now, no matter what they say or do, I still treat her and the kids with the same kindness and courtesy as I do anyone else, and invite them to any and all events we have. It is their choice if they want to come. But I no longer go out of my way for any of them (except one instance for one of my nieces, but that's a story for another day - she's the only kid that talks to me now, maybe she realized I'm not an ogre after all!). I also attend all events to which I'm invited, and use that time to enjoy the company of my other family members.

As much as it hurts and seems unfortunate/illogical for them not to be interested in your child or your life, there's nothing you can do to change the situation. So all I can suggest is just go about your life - include them but don't count on them, leave her to her negativity - and you'll be much happier! She is toxic, and therefore is poisoning your life - so the less you have her in it, the better you'll feel!

L.,
This is a tough one. I would be pissed off and would not want the negativity surrounding such a beautiful event. However, you do not want a mountain to be made out of a mole hill if you know what I mean. Especially if you are going to be painted as the villian which is so far from the truth. I quess I would pick up the phone(or go for an unannounced visit with hubby and baby) and reinvite them, however, explain that you are trying to be a peacemaker in light of such a joyous event in your life and your child's life. That way, your conscience is clear, you've done the right thing..and if they choose not to attend then they are in the dog house not you. I would not worry about not having them attend. In fact,if they do not attend and if the relatives from out of town ask, I would tell the truth, that they have had not interest in meeting or being a part of the baby's life even though you have invited them over etc. Life is too short to spend your time and energy on negative people. Good Luck and congratulations on you little one!!

I definately would copy the facebook or forward it to your MIL. She needs to know the truth. Then you could tell her you're not going to play these games with the SIL so you and your husband feel they owe you an apology or your family stays away from the SIL. Your MIL will understand is she's a good woman. You don't need to raise your children around an aunt that talks behind your back.

Hi L. People like this you have to ignore them completely!!! If you know that you haven't done anything wrong, tell them they can take a hike. And if your in-laws are going to believe them and not get your side of the story, be finished with them too!!! Life is too short to worry about what someone will think. You mother in-law know she's a jerk but since your brother in-law is her favorite(I personally don't believe a person should favor one child over another)she just dont say anything. So don't let your guard down and speak your mind and go about your business. Because they aren't interesting in seeing your baby then they are not even important to be around.

I've been dealing with a very similar situation myself only it's my husband's only sibling. She is quite literally, the devil. Of course my inlaws think their little (26 yr old) princess hung the moon.

Anyway, you are not crazy or wrong. Your baby is ~15 weeks old and they still haven't met him/her. That is completely ridiculous!! There is NO reason why I wouldn't have met my sibling's child in the firs three months of their life...especially living so close. When my niece was born, I was at the hospital within 45 minutes....my brother and I aren't THAT close but it was his baby. How could I not be there!?! Even my psycho SIL came to see my daughter the day after she was born. And that is saying a lot!

I understand if they have kids and are busy but to have never come by to see your child? That is not only rude but sends a clear message that they don't care! Does it bother your husband that his brother very obviously doesn't care about his child? Its so sad.

My only advice is to stick to your guns and focus on the people in your life who care about you and your family. I know it's hard to feel like your in laws are "against you" or taking the other's side but in the end, it's your family. You do what you feel is right. You might not always make the "right" decision but you have to answer to yourself and your kids and if you feel ok with your decisions....stick with it.

If you want some comic relief, private message me and I'll send you some stories about my SIL that you won't believe. Before I was married I would tell my girlfriends about her and they all thought I was lying...until my bachelorette party when they met her. :-)

Oh, and unfriend them from facebook. Social media networks can be great but they can cause so much trouble too. If it's causing you any heartache, just block them!

Hang in there!

Honestly I think most families have similar situations. My hubby and I have this on both sides. We have learned that making comments about the behavior only makes it worse....and it doesn't change a thing.

You need to be the bigger person and just let it go. Stop getting your feelings hurt because they just don't want to be friends with you and your hubby. My husband's brother lives one street over and we only see them about six times a year. When we first moved over here we would invite them over, stop by when we were out walking and thought wow this going to be great being so close.....but over the years we have come to realize that we only have blood and a few parenting ideas in common.....they just don't enjoy being around us and would rather hang-out with the neighbors. It has hurt a bit....especially my husband since him and his brother were fairly close growing up. But we got over it and we don't push it or say anything about it. It would be as if we are whining or something....."OH, woahes me...they don't want to hang out with us..."

Just leave it alone and move on with your life. Everyone on my husbands side has just moved on from all the hurt feelings we have felt because that particular brother and his family don't want to hang out with everyone....We love them and when we see them we enjoy the visit. WE try to keep things light so they don't feel like we are criticizing them for anything. We always invite them to everything, but don't get bent out of shape if they don't attend (which is pretty much the case most of the time).

Since we live many hours from my family we don't have to deal with the SIL in my family unless we go there to visit. We just try to keep it pleasant and try not to do anything to set her off. She's very sensitive to everything people say or do and gets very, very ill about everything.

Just ignore the implications of their lack of interest and stop letting your feelings get hurt. You are the bigger person and you are an adult. Think of what you are teaching your kids about people that hurt them and how they should react to it.....I mean really "uninvite them to the christening"???? That seems a little petty. So what. They make excuses that you know are false. Did it helps to bust them? Did it change their behavior? Nope. Just let them believe that your stupid and fall for all their excuses....that's what we do. At least we see them once in awhile. It will only get worse if you react and make comments and do things like uninvite them to gatherings....and you put everyone else in the family on the spot too because there is so much tension. Don't force everyone else to take sides....just let it go. The truth will come out and everyone will know who is to blame after time goes by.

Take care and just enjoy the family that loves you.