Tough Descion to Make I Need Help - Regarding My Ex-husband Wants More Visitatio

I understand your situation. I have been taking my son to supervised visitation with his father for 18 months now. I know the draw to let your child know her father. At court, the thing that most impacted me was one of the judge's statements. "A child is best with two healthy parents." When one parent isn't healthy, the child is best with the healthy one. Your ex-husband doesn't sound healthy.

You'll weaken your court orders if you let them be alone--even if for only 2 hours at the mall. Even when it's on paper, if you haven't been following it; it can be challenged and more successfully if you allow variations. An objective third party agrees that your daughter should not be alone with your ex. It's not just you that thinks so, even though he likely claims it is.

One of the stipulations a local psychologist who does custody evaluations wanted in any parenting agreement in our case was: "father should perform all care taking during visits". If your ex works 12 hour shifts, then sleeps even say 6 hours rather than 8--your daughter only has 6 hours with him. That's if she isn't sleeping.

You've been remarkably accommodating to him, BTW.

S.,
I know what you are going through. My ex husband is taking me through the washer right now. He even has a child endangering charge on his record and they are letting him see my daughters.
If your ex wants to see your daughter, he needs to come to her. Go by your instinct, if you feel uncomfortable letting her go don't let her go. You shouldn't have to take her to him. If he really wants to see her and not just throw his weight around then he will come see her. He knows you will do anything to make your daughter happy and he is using you. Stop it dead in it tracks. You and your daughter deserve better. If you can't stand up for yourself stand up for her. She doesn't need to see him stepping all over you. She will learn from your example and think that's what men are suppose to do to women.
As for the little girl he is dating, I wouldn't let her within 100 feet of my daughter if I were you. If you have seen her disrespecting his older daughter then she is doing it to yours. Why subject her to it if you don't do it to her? If she would have disrespected me in my house I would have thrown her out on her a**. You didn't have to do that and she should have been grateful.
I really doubt your ex has changed and his true colors will come through when you stop catering to him. His girlfriend will also find out what he is about. I hope this helps alittle bit. Keep us updated.

I applaud you for being a strong mother and woman. It's good that you let your daughter see her real father. Make sure he's doing his job with you and his kid in addition to his other children. It sounds like the new girlfriend has some growing up to do. Ugly looks are a thing of high school games. Regardless if your daughters' father stays with or leaves this other girl, she is still the mother of your daughters half-sisters. Family is the most important thing to stress now. My mom had to force my dad to take my brother and I for any period of time. I'm glad we were able to visit him and since we were young, we had no idea it was all my mom arranging every visit. You are doing a great job, be a mom first and a friend second. If you need to talk just email me. ____@____.com

I have been down this road. In my humble opinion, if he wants to have more visitation, he should be coming to her. I'm assuming it was his decision to move away - so he should be coming to you or at the very least meeting you half way. I agree that the 12 hour shifts are going to make it tough for him to spend the time he should be spending with her. If he wants visitation, it should be on weekends when he's not working. Since the visitation is so limited, the weekends he spends with her should be all about her. I commend you for being so accomodating to this fool. I know it's not easy - but it is good for your daughter that you are not fighting, etc. with him. My oldest's father is not my favorite person either - but my daughter doesn't know this because I know it would only make her feel bad. However, I do think you need to hold your ex to high standards. If he knows you'll put up with a bunch of b.s. and that you'll make it convenient for him to be a jerk - he'll do it. Your daughter doesn't have to be around the girlfriend. I was the court-appointed supervisor of visitation when she first started seeing him and when he started bringing girlfriends along I told him that it wasn't right. The time was for him and his daughter - not time to show off his "fathering skills" to the girls that came and went. When his last girlfriend became his wife - I accepted that she would be a permanent part of my daughter's life - so I made a concerted effort to befriend her at that time. We're definitely not best friends but we are all cordial. It takes all of my might at times!

FYI: I am a married (former-single mother) who has a daughter with a man who lives two hours away (his choice.) He comes to pick her up once per month (arrives on Sat. and returns on Sun.) For the first seven years of her life he was not in the picture. When my husband tried to adopt her, that's when he came back into the pic. Since then, once he realized I was serious about A. him taking parenting classes, B. living a clean life and improving himself, C. being punctual, respectful and mindful of OUR FAMILY's needs and schedule then he became a much better parent - though I still consider my husband my daughter's dad. My daughter's bio father and my daughter have been able to establish a friendship now and she looks forward to their visits. For the first three years of the visitation I had to be very strong and "bitchy" at times - really stand my ground with him because it seemed like if I gave him an inch - he'd take a mile. I had to have really embarrassing conversations with him and his wife about the cleanliness of their house, TV-watching habits, etc. but I think once he realized that I was holding them to high standards and wouldn't accept less, he's/they've done better. He'll never be a perfect father and he'll never parent the way my husband and I parent - but he knows who's the boss and he knows that my daughter deserves the best of circumstances.

You have been unbelievably accomodating with your ex. You clearly love your daughter and want her to have the chance to know her father, regarless of the issues you have with him. That is incrediby commendable. You are a good mom for that. However, I would not, under any circumstances at this point, send your daughter to stay with him knowing ahead of time that he will be working 12 hour shifts and your daughter will be left in the care of a 19 year whom you barely know. It may be different if he had the weekend off or her grandparents would be there. It is a tough decision, but my advise and opinion are to keep doing what you can to make the visitations work, but don't be guilted or bullied if your gut tells you different. Good Luck! Your daughter is really lucky to have a mom who cares about the big picture and not person vendettas.

Hi S.,

The only advice I can give is go with your gut. It's the only protection your little girl has. And given your ex's previous history in 'kidnapping' his other daughter, and you're disapproval of your ex's new girlfriends parenting, I would only let either one of them around your daughter when you are in the immediate vacinity. I know people can change, but until your daughter is old enough to understand when something is wrong, you are the only gut she's got! Use it! You are a strong and sensible mommy :) Good luck, take care.
M.

I could not imagine what you are going through. I commend you on what you are doing so far. You are being cautious and I think that is exactly the way you need to stay. He doesn't sound like he is trying very hard to do his part. I know it is important to a little girl to have her daddy, but I don't think you should take full responsibility for him, otherwise you would still be married, right? I would have to just say to trust your instincts. Don't uproot your life or your daughter to make his better. He should be making hers better! Good luck!

First of all, if he insists on talking to your daughter, make him call you, not you having to fit the bill.

It's obvious that his g-friend is being nasty to you due to jealousy between your ex and his daughter. Tell her to get over it! If she's nasty to her child, as well, go w/your first instinct, and NEVER allow her alone w/your daughter.

Men never change. No matter how much you want to make yourself believe that. I would still monitor his visits, and never leave him alone w/your daughter. If he gets angry enough w/you he might run off w/her (like before w/his other child). Also, you need to set firm boundaries w/your ex. Let him know YOUR rules-not his. Make him do the growing up. If worse comes to worse, go back and have a new visitation paper made up w/your attorney stating what your expectations are. Remember, if it's not in writing, it doesn't count in the courts!

I ALWAYS tell my clients to ALWAYS trust their first intuition, because it's the right one, no matter how much they want to "write it off." Trust is the foundation of any type of relationship. If you couldn't trust your ex before, then don't trust him know. It's obvious that he has no trust in you. You have to earn respect and trust-from both sides! Good luck, and I hope that my info was helpful for you:)
D. Blackford, Prof. Psychic Intuitive/Educator/Speaker

D. Blackford,
Professional Psychic Intuitive
A.K.A.: The Indiana Ghost Whisperer

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S..
i didn't even take time to read your entire posting. all i know is that your ex does not sound safe or stable for your little girl. you have enough responsibilities in life being a single mother and everything else you have to do. it is not your responsibility to play the role as your ex's mother too. if he really wanted badly enough to be envolved in his litttle girl's life, he would make that happen. she should be his number one and that's all there is to it. it's not on you to call him, make sure he has a driver's license or any of that jazz. for him to not be there for her surgery is dispicable!
if you think you need it, get a lawyer in case you may have to go to court or something, but the next time you see or talk to your ex, tell him it's not your responsiblity to take inititiave for him. if he wants to see her, he needs to call, he needs to make the effort.
good luck to you and God bless!

I agree with the first response. Trust your instincts! Do not let your daughter alone with him or his girlfriend! Your daughter naturally wants to be with her father, but it does not sound like it is in her best interest. I would suggest getting a calling card and calling him, that way your daughter would have that connection with him, without having to expose her to a potentially dangerous situation. You must protect your daughter, above anything else, so if that makes you have to be the "bad guy", so be it!

Hello S., I know just how you feel I have a daughter that is now 19 and her father doesn't see her or talk to her etc. But when I took him to court to help pay for her college he brings down his 20 something girlfriend to the court house and yes she also came to her h.s. graduation the nerve!!!!! you know the courts around here don't really care if they pay or not because I have fought it for yes 19 years at one point he was behind over 15,000 and only to pay x- amount on the back and then x-amount on the current. I feel that if you have a court order for him to see the child and he is current on support then let him see her but make him come to you don't go out of your way or change your schedule to suite him. I did that and it was a waste of time because he still doesn't call or anything else. My daughter has sinced graduated from college and has a great job and she also models so you know I feel that her father is the one who has missed out on such a great young lady. Take care and write if you want best of luck

This is a tough situation. I wont let my husband (who I am separated from but we are "supposably" working on thngs... blah blah blah.)Anyways, besides the point. I wouldnt let him take my kids and he lives 10 minutes away. As mothers, we worry, sometimes too much. But I believe that if it is that important to him to see your daughter, he would drive up and get her and maybe you could pick her up or vice versa. A little one being away from their Mommy for a whole weekend could be scary. I couldn't do it. Plus his girlfriend is so young (not like I have room to talk) but she may not be able to handle having 3 children that young while the Dad is at work all day. Plus... how would it be fun to go see your Dad if he isnt even there? I wouldnt do it. You sound like a Mother who loves her baby and wants whats best for her. Well, its better to have 1 parent who loves you with all of their heart. Trust your gut, if something did happen and he ran off with her, you would NEVER forgive yourself. So dont let it happen. Good luck to you!!!!!!

I lived through this as the child of divorced parents. My dad was the same way... Would forget to call, his wife would send our birthday cards, not him... He'd complain that he never got to see us, but didn't make the effort himself. (Still does, and I'm 22 and on my own, so now it's my fault we don't talk instead of my mom's.)

First of all, if he doesn't have long distance, he can buy a calling card. It is NOT your responsibility to connect him with his daughter, and you shouldn't have to pay the phone bill for that.

Second, if you are transporting her to visits, he should be paying you gas money. And if he brings up that he pays child support already, tell him that is not what child support is for. Child support is exactly that: financial support for the child. Food, clothes, school supplies, etc.

Lastly, remember that the court ordered supervised visits. It is against the law for you to leave your daughter with him unsupervised. A 2 hour trip to the mall is one thing, but dropping her off 2 hours away for the weekend while he will be working 12 hours at a time is completely different, and in my opinion, unacceptable.

I understand that it's hard when your daughter is asking for her daddy, but you need to be firm. If you let him get away with stuff now, he'll walk all over you in the future.

S.,
It sounds like the girlfriend is pretty imature. I would feel the same way. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. If you don't feel comfortable leaving her with the girlfriend that's fine. The visits aren't for her. Tell him he should request some time off work or something. Get a driver's license! Don't feel guilty. You're only trying to protect your little girl. I would do the same thing. You can email me if you want. I could go on about this subject forever. My parents went through a simialiar situation with me. I also went through a situation with my first daughter's father. The other woman can always bring problems especially, if she isn't fully developed. I wish you luck :)

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