Touchy Subject ... Trouble with the "S-donor" ...

I know totally what you feel like with the s-donor....but I would totally stick to your guns my sons father did the same thing to be and we did walk away from him because he didnt want to have to give up his money for his son or pay for the court costs to get his way. I do believe that your the mom and you know what is best for your son and there wont be a void in his life...he has you and if he starts asking tell him that he does have a father that loves him very much and he blessed you with the best gift ever and that is the good Lord above that is what I tell my son....if you need anyone to talk to I am here for you. Totally know what your going thru!! B.

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You really need to contact an attorney who specializes in this type of thing. Based on what I've read, the guy is only interested in what HE can get from this. Since he is not listed on the birth certificate and you have chosen to not get child support, there is probably little he can do. But if he decides to petition the court for visitation, they'd probably request a paternity test. If it is determined he's the baby's father, they could grant him visitation. That gives him rights to be there. This is a very tangled situation.

This man is manipulative, and he should not be in your life at all. If he is actually interested in his child that is one thing, but he can NOT, and you MUST not, let him control YOU. If you choose not to contact an attorney, then you may have to file protection orders against him to keep him away from you and the child...but again, that may lead to his filing paternity. It's a vicious circle....

Sorry I can't be of more assistance.

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go to a lawyer. find out what your rights are. get it through court that you want full custody and nothing from him. Maybe you can convince him to leave you alone since he is not on the birth cert, and he would have to have a DNA test done to prove paternity.

This man sounds horrible, and NOT someone that you need in your life or your son's. Do what it takes to get him out. Even if that means a restraining order. He sounds like that type of man that is super controlling and could become dangerous when things don't go his way.

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You need to think about if you really want to deal with this man, every day, for the next 18 years. It sounds like he sees his son as a possession, and not his child. He doesn't seem worth the stress.(the guy, I mean, not your baby!)

You were smart not to put him on the birth certificate. I would seek a family law attorney, and have his parental rights terminated. You seem like you can get by without his money. If you can't afford an attorney, try Kansas Legal Aid.

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Hi M. - I know you have a plethora of other responses, but I thought I'd give you my two cents worth, having been in your situation. Unless his signature is on the birth certificate, you don't "owe" him anything...not time, not visitation, not parental rights. The only way he can get any of these is to petition the court. This means he has to prove paternity, and he pays for the test. Then he has to get the court to serve you papers regarding visitation, custody, etc. After that, if you live in Missouri, you can request up to 4 hours of free lawyer mediation to see if you two can agree on all issues regarding your son. If you do agree, it goes to court and the judge makes it legal and binding. If you don't, you either pay for additional mediation services or the judge makes a decision for you. Obviously it's better if the parents agree without the court's intervention but that doesn't always happen.

Taxes are one of the things you get hammered out in mediation. Most people trade tax years, meaning you get to claim your son one year and the father gets to claim him the next. Another thing is that the child support amount is a bit more than 18%. I realize that you don't need his money, but please be aware that you don't have to take any kind of monetary offer from him...it's all done by the judicial system and it'll be more than that percentage he's given you, especially if you pay child care expenses. Last, and certainly not least, please please please - be careful about dealing with his family. That old saying about blood being thicker than water is never truer than in this kind of situation. I've found that "his family" will betray you faster than flies hit manure...so until you have any kind of court order, you're far better off letting your aunt take over caring for your son.

Personally I'd wait and see if he hits you with some legal papers...if he does, then you can see about getting a lawyer. If he doesn't, then you're free and clear to do what you want with your son. You sound like someone who has her stuff together, so be strong and tell this guy that unless you see some legal documents he can take a flying **** off a rolling donut! LOL Good luck!

--A

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I just wanted to wish you the best of luck with all of this! I disagree with some of the other advice... I think that no father is better than a bad father. I know plenty of women who raised happy, well adjusted children (even boys) on their own, and theres nothing to say that he will not have a good father figure in his life in the future. YOU are the one who has been there for your child since day 1, and YOU are his most important advocate. You do what is right for your son, because only you know the complexities of the situation. Take care!!!

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M.,

Congratulations on the birth of your son. I'm sorry you're going through this trying time. This should be a time of total joy...

S-Daddy will be allowed by the courts to have contact with his son, because the courts favor contact for a child with both parents. But S-daddy doesn't live with you, and has NO say over how you parent in your home. When you guys do agree - great. But if not, oh well.

If he doesn't agree, maybe you can explain it this way: When your son is older, maybe he will spend the night with his dad occasionally (or regularly). You won't have much control over what happens under that roof. For example, if S-daddy eats McDonald's three meals a day, that's his choice while your son is under his care.

Remember, if you two were on the same page about stuff, he wouldn't be the S-Daddy - he'd be a permanent fixture in your life! It's something to strive for but don't have too high of expectations from each other.

Likewise, he doesn't have the right to walk into your home any time he wants to be with his son - since you're not married, you have a right to work out a visiting schedule that makes sense for your son AND FOR YOU.

And as for money, regardless of what the S-Daddy believes, you should probably negotiate both a visitation arrangement and a child support plan with a mediator or through lawyers. There is a government child support formula and it will be his OBLIGATION (not his choice) to turn over that money. Whether he thinks it's a fair amount or not.

I guess on the good side, it apparently took him a number of months to decide to "do the right thing." Maybe he's just too intense about what the right thing is. Maybe the idea of having a child scares the bejeebers out of him, and feels like a huge responsibility. Maybe that makes him feel like he has to figure out EXACTLY what to do for the kid. From your description, it doesn't sound like he's very open to having a reasonable conversation about these matters. Maybe he'd attend parenting classes, or see a mediator or counselor with you to talk through some of these issues. A child psychologist would be handy - someone who can help him understand the needs of your son. For example, a psychologist could tell S-daddy a firm breast-feeding cut-off is not a good idea because it doesn't allow for the individual needs of the particular baby and mother.

Anyway, I strongly second that you talk to a good lawyer and make sure you know what the S-Daddy's rights are, and what yours are. And remember, he may be the daddy, but he's NOT your boss. Period.

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If he starts harassing you or your aunt, this may actually be good, ultimately. This gives you much better backing for your desire to have him out of your lives, at least in they eyes of the court. I completely understand your frustration with the double standard of men being able to leave whenever they want, but women not being able to do the same. Sadly, the courts protect fathers... even bad ones. I am in the middle of a custody battle and I was advised that regardless of the fact that my daughter's father is jobless and unable to support her and that he has done zero throughout the two years of her life to take care of her, he still gets half visitation. It's absurd and angers me to no end. Good luck and I hope that it works out for you and for your son.

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I am a Certified Child Development and Parenting Specialist, who has done this work for over 20 years. Even though the father is controlling, you can manage that. Find a Lactation Consultant and get an opinion on how long to breast feed. There is no right or wrong on this. You could wean at one year or nurse for 3 years, parents vary on how long they want to nurse and babies are different. You could quote me, ask your pediatrician for recommendations on how long to nurse, or I could give you the e-mail of a friend who is a nationallly certifed lactation consultant if you e-mail me at ____@____.com far as the precise schedule he wants, your baby will thrive if you have a schedule, but try to keep it somewhat flexible. Children of all ages do MUCH better in school when they have regular meal times and bedtimes. I know the State of Oklahoma, where I live, has recommended amounts of child support payments. You need to find out what is appropriate in your state and not just rely on what he is saying. I have seen lots of moms try to run the father out of the child's life because the dad is just so very difficult to deal with. However, this leaves a terrible void in a child's life. He will likely grow up to wonder what is wrong with him that his daddy didn't love him enough to stick around. So do all you can to be flexible with this guy and rely on outside experts like your pediatrician and the local child guidance center to give you an objective opinion when you need it. Good luck! B. Wright, LPC, CCPS

I understand you might be upset about the father of your child but I urge you to consider doing what is in the best interest of your son. Just because you don't like him and have problems with him being controlling with you doesn't mean he won't be a good father to his son. From everything you have written, it sounds like he's trying to be a responsible father!

What makes you think he is only concerned about the monetary value of your son when he is offering to give YOU 18% of his income as child support? He is offering to pay support to YOU. As far as tax breaks go, its so little that it doesn't mean anything really. You would be the primary custodian so you would generally be entitled to the tax break. It doesn't sound like the father is just interested in a tax break when he's offering to pay you. Lets say he makes $30,000 a year. That means he would pay you $450 a month.

I KNOW its hard to share something so precious to you but it is his right to be a father to his child. I know its hard to think about having to share your son with someone you hate but you really have to put that aside and think about what's best for your son. He's an infant now but he will grow up and he will ask about his father. Please try to get past the hurt you feel and the hatred and think about what's best for your son. Try talking to him calmly and work out something that works for both of you.
As far as the breastfeeding goes, he's going about that the wrong way. He probably read about the benefits of breastfeeding to a certain age and feels that he has no control over that. If you're being stubborn, negative and pushing him out of his son's life, I can imagine that is what he feels is his only course of action. Try to get over your negative attitude toward him and work it out! Raising a kid is hard! Raising a kid alone is harder. Take the help that is offered to you. Maybe seeing a counselor together or a mediator would help if you feel like you two can't come to some agreement together.

I am very sorry to say this but he said like a jerk. and I would get away from him.

Every situation is different and this is a difficult thing to deal with, believe me. First of all, I would suggest that you file for child support especially if you really need it. And if you don't, look at it as savings for college for Brendan. I recently read a great book called "Single Mamahood." I highly suggest reading it, it gives some great advice. You have to decide what is best for you and for your son. But later on he will ask about his father and are you prepared to answer those questions? Do you think your child is in harm if he does have visits with his father? If so, I don't blame you at all for not wanting that. You have to accept that you are a single mother and just enjoy it. It's tough, I know that. I am a single mother of an almost 2 year old. If I can be of any more help, please feel free to contact me.

First of all I think it is a good idea that you are going to change child care givers. You need to get away from the maniac. He seems to have ulterior motives. You should contact an attorney and find out what rights you have and what rights he doesn't. Let me know if you need some numbers.

Please contact a family law attorney. Since he is not on the birth certifacte. The only way he can profe it is a DNA test.