Totally Different Child Since Arrival of New Baby

Perfectly normal.

Carving out special moments that she can depend on will make a difference. Like being sure the baby is not hungry at her bedtime, or having hubby take the baby so you can tuck her in.

She is struggling with the idea that she is no longer the baby. She will regress a bit, but she is just figuring out her new role.

IF you are able to create ways to incorporate her so that her big girl help is indispensable (like getting the blanket or handing you the diaper and wipes) may help her see her role as big girl as really important.

Read a story to her while you nurse.
Spend 20 minutes with NO interruptions (don't answer the phone or the door) playing with her while the baby naps. Get one on one time where ever you can. Get daddy's help, have a neighbor hold the baby while you take a walk down the street.

She may be wondering how she fits in. (Why is there a baby, wasn't I good enough) Extra reassurance, incorporate her help as indispensable & make one on one time with her without fail. You will see changes.

It will get easier, hang in there. You have the rest of your life to find sleep (ha ha)

PS Make sure you get a few moments a week to yourself so you dont burn out. Hand hubby the baby & go get a coffee with a friend. You can t do this well if you cant recharge.

P. : )

2 moms found this helpful

Hi K., that is totally normal and just a phase. So, hang in there. My son did similar things when his sister arrived ... it lasted a few months. However, there is some residual behaviour even now, 2 years later ... he will talk "baby talk" like she does. A good book to read is Twice Blessed.

D..

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HI K.
Wow, it is hard to be tired and frustrated, and I certainly understand how that leads to yelling and snapping, and then guilt! Could it be that your darling older daughter is being a great big sister, but sees the attention that you must pay the baby as a threat to the attention she has been receiving? That might explain the whining and the helpless behavior. Little children are masters at getting attention, and when it isn't positive, they will go for any kind attention rather than feeling like they are being ignored, even when we know we aren't ignoring them.

Instead of yelling, could you try whispering? Children will strain to hear you whisper, and it gets their attention (and might keep you from getting a headache!). Also, it might work for you to set up the newborn's schedule so that your older daughter can help with the baby's bedtime routine, since she seems to want to be a helper and a 'good' big sister. It might be tough to sort out their schedules that way, but may be worth it. Getting the older child to help as much as possible, and giving her attention and gentle direction--even tying in her activities to being a helper and 'good' sister to the baby--may be of help to you.

As for the sleeping...that is something a child has total control over. We can put them to bed, but can't make them sleep. I managed my son's midnight assaults on my bed by taking him back to his, not talking to him at all, and tucking him back in...sometimes it seemed like ALL night...but ultimately, it was only a few days and he quit doing that. Key for me was not talking (it gives them attention) and being deliberate, gently firm, and consistent.

When you're not sleeping, everything sets you off. I hope that will resolve quickly! Best wishes, and congratulations!

1 mom found this helpful

K.,
It sounds like good old sibling stuff! We all go through it. The thing that helped me the most was having someone come to help out. My cousin's daughter was around 10 y.o.
She would come over a few days during the week. Usually in the afternoon. She would either play with the older child or watch over the baby while I did something with the older child. My husband also had special time with the older one when he came home. Sometimes I would let either my helper or my husband take over for both kids and I would go take a relaxing bath, long shower, nap or sometimes I would just take a book and go to the nearest park to have some get away time. It is stressful to take care of young children. I breastfed all my children so I could not hand that off to anyone, but anything else like changing diapers, playing with or just carrying the baby around I would let others help with. Do you have any family or friends that could help out? I would give my cousin $5-$10 a week for helping me out. That was 18 years ago so I am not sure of an appropiate amount now days. Let your husband know how much stress you are experiencing. Tell him you need his helping hand. My husband told me that he did not mind helping out but thought that my job was easy until he had to do it when I had a sick migraine that left me flat out on my back. I have suffered migraines most of my life and can usually function somewhat to do what needs to be done. This particular one laid me out. The only thing I could do was nurse the baby while laying in the bed. My husband ended up taking off work to stay home with the kids. He would bring the baby, let me nurse him, come back and take him until it was time to feed him again. We did this all day. By dinner time I finally felt good enough to sit up and eat some soup. When I asked what they had for dinner my husband said the only thing I could manage was to open a can of soup and make sandwiches. He told me that it was a lot harder than he thought it would be. I asked him if he did any laundry, he laughed and said he did not have time to even step outside for some air, let alone do laundry. He told me that he would never underestimate what Moms do! The other thing that always helped me was to spend some time in prayer each morning. It usually was not to long but enough time to be still and thank the Lord for all my blessings, to give me strength to get through the day and peace not to yell at my children. It took a lot for that last request and I did not always make it. On the days I thought I did not have the time to pray everything was worse and my short sightedness was usually very short leaving everyone feeling miserable.
Please see about getting some help, even if it is only 1-2 afternoons a week. God Bless!

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Its such classic case of regression. She sees that the baby is getting tons of attention because shes helpless, so that is what she wants to become to get your attention. I know you are spread thinly as it is, but figure out a way to do something special with your daughter and explain that because she is a big girl, she can do this with you, but the baby cannot because she is too little. She just wants attention, and a little special attention goes a long way believe me.

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its not her its you, her world has just been turned upside down. shes craving attention. when the babys sleeping forget about the cleaning for a bit sit and read with her or even watch a movie if you are pooped. i used to do this and my then 3 year old and i would both fall asleep sometimes lol. have her help where she can i know alot of times its easier to say just let me do it but let her be apart of it and things will be much easier

1 mom found this helpful

K.,
It is just a little bit of jealousy. Both of my older two boys did it with the arrival of younger siblings. So my oldest went through it twice. It will settle down a bit. Essentially your older child sees you doing all these things for baby and wants that same attention. Focus on things you can do together now that she is bigger that you cannot do with baby. AND sometimes, you can put the baby down and "ignore" her with no consequence. Your older daughter just needs reassurance that she is still important as well.
Trust me, I had a very hard time dealing with the whining and such too, and would often find myself yelling at the kids when they suddenly turned helpless (okay I still do that when I think they are trying to get my attention) but I recognize now that is their way of saying "notice me".

Good Luck!
T.

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I am going through the exact same situation. I have a wonderful 3 yr old who is fantastic with her little sister (who is now 9 months) but for the first few months she turned into this whinny, helpless little girl. If she thought her sister was getting to much attention she would act out or get louder. The stress in our house was becoming unbareable. I started to think I needed to talk to someone about stress management because all I was doing was yelling and when our 9 month old was first born she was colic so yelling was making it worse. I even thought maybe my 3 yr old needed to be seen by someone. I will tell you though over time it does get better and easier. Remember she is adjusting to a new role in life and in the family. She may feel like she has lost her place and has to do what it takes to get your attention. When my youngest started to go to bed at 8. I would let my oldest stay up till 8:30/ 8:45 for special time reading talking and going over her day at preschool. It has made a world of difference because she feels special and important. Also if she starts acting helpless and whinny tell her if she keeps acting like a baby she will be treated like one by going to bed early, fav tv show taken away or playtime outside is limited until she can act like a big girl.

I agree with the previous posts. She is jealous and sad and feels like she's "losing" her time with Mommy. Give her extra time (I know it's hard, I have two 17 months apart), try to keep schedules as normal as possible, and if you're breastfeeding, maybe pump for the meal at her bedtime and let dad feed the baby--it gives him time to bond with baby, and you time to spend with your daughter.

Also, one thing that I found was great is this, when grandma or a visitor comes over to see the baby, tell her that they are coming to "watch" the baby so you can have a few minutes to spend with your "big girl." It will make her feel less like she's being pushed to the backburner and more like you are actually having folks over to carve out time for her! And the prasing thing works great, also. Keep telling her what a great big sister she is and how you couldn't manage without her...for everything...when she gets a clean diaper, when she holds the baby, etc. She just wants to feel important and know that she's still loved, and that the baby isn't taking her place.

Also, as for the whining, she's seeing the baby cry and get picked up and given attention when that happens. Maybe tell her next time the baby cries how you remember when she did that and how happy you are that she's such a big girl now. Let her know that she gets attention for being a big girl, but babies can't talk or communicate their needs except for crying. You'll be surprised at how much a 3 year old understands!

Congrats on the baby!! I know it's a busy time, but just remember, it will go quickly and they'll be grown before you know it!! Good luck!!

Your 3 year old needs "mommy time." She is old enough to ask her, "Do you need some mommy time?" When you feed the baby tell her that it is mommy time. Tell her to go get her favorite book and you will read it to her while you nurse the baby. It is typical for young children to regress developmentally when a new baby is born. She just needs reassurance that you love her too, that you will take care of her like you take care of the baby, etc. Just go with the flow with her and give her what she seems to need from you. Babies get lots of attention because they have lots of needs. When you change the baby's diaper ask her to bring you a diaper. Ask her to smile at the baby and talk to the baby while you change the baby's diaper. Involve her in the process and tell her what a great big sister she is. When you are taking care of the baby talk to your 3 year old or sing little songs with her. If you involve her in taking care of the baby she will be getting attention and you will be paying attention to both of your children. She has been the center of your world for a long time and now she is having to share her "mommy time." She probably doesn't have the language skills to describe her feelings yet. It will be less exhausting for you if you share the mommy time by including her in the baby's mommy time. Try it and see if it works.

Stop yelling. Just stop. Take a deep breath and breath. If you feel yourself about to raise your voice to your children, look in their eyes as they are dumping their whole box of toys on the floor for the 10th time that morning, and think about how much you love them and tell them how much you love them. I used to always tell my children when they were driving me crazy that I loved them as big as the world. We made a game out of it. They would then tell me they loved me bigger than the sky. I would tell them I loved them bigger than the ocean. They would tell me that they loved me more than all the birds in the sky. It was our game. What they didn't realize was I played that game when I was at my wits end to remind ME how much I loved THEM!

NEXT, you need to get more rest. You will have more patience with both of your children if you are rested. Eat healthy, rest, exercise, take care of yourself. You need to nap when your children nap. They always tell you to do that and it works. I can tell by what you posted that you are exhausted and that means that your hubby needs to help more around the house--give your 3 year old her bath, help her pick up her toys at the end of the day (because you are sick up picking up toys at the end of the day), wash a load of laundry, do the dishes, take care of both children while you take a 30 minute walk after dinner. You may need to take short cuts with the things around the house, like washing breakfast, lunch, and dinner dishes after dinner instead of washing them all day long. I would also encourage you to cook easy and quick meals for dinner and do anything else that makes life easier for you until the baby is less demanding. Everyone says, "Oh my hubby works all day and he doesn't have time to help me. He worked all day. He is tired at night, etc. etc." I have heard all the excuses because my husband said them. Have a good crying meltdown in front of your hubby and tell him that you are not superwoman and you can't do it all alone and tell him what you need him to do to help you. You not only worked all day, you are still working in the evening, and you will be up all night nursing a baby. So there is no doubt who is working more! Two children are twice the work of one child and you need him to help you. A crying meltdown is the sure fire way to get him to help more. He will not want to leave his precious little ones with a crazy woman who is not getting enough rest. He has read the newspaper. He has heard about the "baby blues." Trust me on this one!

I just wanted to send you hugs because I'm going through the same thing right now! My daughter is only 22 months and I have a 4 week old. Anytime the baby cires, she runs to me, evenif she's playing in the other rooma and wants me to hold her! Night time is horrendous. She wakes up every hour and won't sleep in her bed. Some of her attitudes have gone away because I don't let her get away with them(screaming at the top of her lungs). I have been trying to have my husband play with her more and have looked into a mother's day out program that would give me a break and her some fun time.

K.,
Congratulations on the new baby! It sounds like your daughter is a little jealous of all the attention the baby is receiving from you. It's natural for siblings of newborns to act out just the way you've described. She still wants to be taken care of just like before the baby came along. In her head, the way to get that is to act like the baby. I went through something similar with my own kids. My son was 5yrs old when my daughter was born.

You need to incorporate a few things into your schedule:

First, bedtime rituals or schedules should be kept as much as possible. Think about it: the baby has disrupted your little girl's world in just about every single way. She needs the security in knowing some things are going to be the same--unchanged. If the baby needs to be fed, feed her wherever you usually read bedtime stories.

Second, children up until the age of 7 need their parents to help them brush their teeth. When she gets to be about 5 you can simply supervise. Until then, you or your husband should be brushing her teeth. It will give her the attention she is craving, give her the foundation she needs to keep healthy teeth all her life and keep the peace in the house.

Third, try, try, try to stop yelling. Is it working at all for you now? No. Time outs really work. Experts suggest that the time spent in time out coincide with the age of the child. Therefore, she should spend 3 minutes in a corner or a seat away from anything that could be fun. Make sure you are able to see her. Talk to her and explain simply that we don't (do what she did) in our house. If she does it again, she goes back to time out. Make sure you welcome her into the activity as soon as she comes out of time out. She did her time, now all is forgiven.

Next, you and your husband must carve out some time from your busy schedules to spend one on one time with your daughter. This time alone, focused on her (like the good old days before baby) will not only give you a break from spit up and diapers, it will make her feel important again. Take turns once a week (or more) and take her somewhere. It could be after dinner to get an ice cream, a walk, a drive or a visit to the playground. She needs to know you still love her just as much as the baby.

Last, make sure to praise her for helping or doing things on her own. This is so important! She needs for you to be happy with her. She wants your approval. So give her simple tasks to complete like putting trash in the garbage, getting diapers or wipes, finding a toy to distract the baby while you change the diaper, etc. You will see a difference in her behavior if you change first. No child wants to hear yelling all day just like you don't want to be yelling all day. Right? Remember that our job as mothers is to be the heart and center of the family. We must find a way to make our homes a safe and welcoming place for all who live in it.
I know it's difficult right now, but I can tell you it gets better if you try to see things through your daughter's eyes. Remember: She loves you. You love her. God bless you and your family!

well i'm sure you will get lots of advice about this, because it is very normal. she's acting like a baby because she doesn't want to feel grown up yet, and she's so used to being the baby of the family and here is this new one taking up all your time and attention (or what feel like all of it to your oldest, because she used to get it whenever she wanted it, and now she has to wait her turn). this is a tricky situation because every child is different. there's several solutions, or trial and errors you can run here. the first one is to explain to her that just because mommy has another baby too doesn't mean that she doesn't matter anymore, but when babies are really little they need to be fed a lot so they can get big so they can play with their sister, and tell her that sometimes mommy has to feed the baby when she doesn't really want to, like at bed time, so maybe you two could read earlier in the evening and then do a quicker goodnight. or have daddy feed the baby at bedtime when you are reading to your daughter.. or swap out, maybe he read when you have to feed. the most important and crucial way to get her to stop asking for attention by whining, is to help her understand that you still want to give her lots of attention and that you promise to always have time for her, but that it can't always be exactly when she wants it. just try to fit in all the normal things you do everyday, even if it's at different times. that way she won't feel like she's missing out on anything

Hi K.,

Have you ever heard of the analogy of a new baby in the home like a husband bringing in another wife? That's kind of what your daughter is feeling. Instead of being surprised at her behavior, which is actually better than hating the baby like you might hate another wife showing up, try to be more understanding. Yelling at her for feeling a normal way will only exacerbate the problem.

If she is whining, ignore her, first saying "I don't understand you when you whine - use a big girl voice, please" and then don't talk to or look at her at all until she changes her tone. Then turn your attention to her with patience and love. Do this every time. Giving her attention for her bad behavior is attention she craves, even negative attention. Stop this now and make the cycle end. It'll eventually get better.

For the nighttime, that's when you should really stick to your guns. Don't allow her to come into your room. Walk her back into her room every time, and if in a week's time, if she hasn't stopped, turn her doorknob around so that you can lock it from the outside. If she needs the door open to see out in the hallway, have your husband buy a cheap interior door and cut a third of it off (sand it well) and install it with the lock on the outside. That way you can keep her in her room, yet she can see out. It doesn't matter if she's in her bed - eventually she'll realize that the bed is more comfortable than the floor. Just keep her in her room. It is a safety concern for her to be able to wander around the house in the middle of the night. She'll cry, and that's okay. Just don't go into her and eventually she'll give up and put herself to sleep. If you don't do this, she'll wear you out, and you already have that with the baby. Spend your time with her during the day, and tell her that nighttime is for sleeping and not visiting mommy.

You should do all of this with an even tone in your voice, especially when you feel like yelling. The yelling will just make things so much worse for you, and for her.

Good luck!
D.

Hi K.
It really sounds like your older daughter is jealous of the new baby. Since the baby is totally dependent on you, your older girl sees this and wants that attention. She has "competition". It also sounds like she's regressing some as well. You may need to change the routine some. You didn't mention what your husband does to help - can he pick up more slack to help you more? I'm sure this is just a phase until your daughter (and you!) figures things out and realizes that she needs to share you and feels that she's just as important to you as the new baby.

Good luck
PJ

Wow! Reading your request was like deja vu for me. I had my second daughter 12 weeks ago and my oldest, who is also 3, did exactly the same stuff, and I responded the same exact way. And I in turn felt guilty every day. I also didn't have my husband here to help out so I was completely losing my mind over it. I can tell you that my oldest daughter is pretty much back to normal now. I would remind her of how we talked about the baby before she was born and I had expected more of her, like doing stuff on her own. She wouldn't want to brush her own teeth or even wipe herself after going potty anymore, she wanted me to do it. I think she became her worst while I was feeding the baby. That's when she would want to play some extravagant game or something and when she didn't get it she had a complete meltdown. I dealt with all of this by telling her she needed to be patient with me and the new baby. I told her that she was big enough to do stuff by herself but the baby relied on me for everything. We both eventually stopped having meltdowns, my oldest is back to doing stuff for herself and she understands that if I'm taking care of the baby I can't do something with her right away. We both had to be very patient with each other. So all I can really say if nothing works to just hang in there. She will get over it, it just takes some time.
Good luck with everything and congratulations on your new baby (who shares my hubby's birthday!) I hope everything settles down soon!
B.

We are experiencing the very same thing. Here's what is working for us. Our oldest went from being the center to the 'you have to wait, I'm taking care of your sister now' kid. I don't imagine that is much fun so he tries to do whatever baby is doing to get our attention. It is very frustrating, however. I am finding that the calmer I stay the better he is. And it NEVER fails that the baby always needs to be nursed at his bed time. So I have started taking them both to my bed and laying down and nursing her and I get him to curl up next to me against my back and I say goodnight.. I love you and lights out! We don't talk again but we are touching and he will go right to sleep generally. Sometimes it has taken as much as 20 minutes, but this is helping me out so much. We all get the quiet time that we need, he is getting his Mommy time (hubby works night shift 4 nights a week) and new baby gets down time from over stimulation. Not to mention plenty of sleep! Other things that help me stay calm is wearing baby in a front pack. Mine is about 1 month older than yours so maybe a sling for you at this point. STill have to use one hand to keep stable, but takes some pressure off your shoulders! Also, we take walks either right before or right after dinner in the double stoller.. sometimes i have to sling baby to nurse while we walk, then i put backpack leash on toddler so he can do his own thing. Generally, this works in settling him down and getting out the last of any pent up energy he may have. Bath time is a little tricky sometimes... either it works out or it doesn;t. Not a stickler for this just yet. When baby has a little more control then that will get easier. As for the whining... well we just get down on his level, look him in the eyes and say when you need something you have to ask not whine. We will be glad to help you, but you have to be patient with us because we are very busy now. He nods and says okay as if he understands completely, and maybe he does, but whatever it is he feels like we are listening to him and he is satisfied for a bit. I also have started nursing on the floor when I can and play with his cars with one hand. Basically, I try really hard to remember that each day is a new one and as much as I want to control everything... I can't. So I just go with the flow. I still lose it occasionally, but we are all getting better at this new life. Good luck to you! Oh and get out for an hour every other day by yourself! This will also help you in a huge way.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! I have three daughter's and my first two are the same age difference as yours, three years. Although I don't have a quick fix solution I do have a couple of thoughts. First I will share that after I had my second daughter and was chasing around my sassy 3 year old, we were also building a house. I remember that as a season of mounting frustrations and though I once prided my self in being somewhat of a patient individual, I was quickly becoming a different person. I too yelled a lot then felt gobs of guilt at what I was modeling in my behavior. But I was just so ANGRY and easily set off. Stress definetly takes a toll and I've found the more stressors you have going on at the same time, the more on edge you will be. Here are some "helps" I have found helpful:

1. Try not too put too much on your plate as far as outside responsibilities. You have small children and this is a demanding season. Don't be afraid to say "no".

2. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Take adequit breaks away from the children to rejuvenate. Don't think of this as selfish. You will be less snappy and refreshed if you intentionally find time for yourself.

3. Excercise and don't eat too much sugar. Get a double stroller and find a friend to walk with. Not only will it help with getting the extra baby weight off but it will also improve your mental health. (this really did help me!)

4. Try to keep the "relationship" with your 3 year old strong. She will be more likely to respond to your discipline in the context of that relationship. I got to the point with my first born where I barely liked her. I loved her but would get up in the morning and dread dealing with all her antics. To avoid the "drill sargent" mode we mom's get into, instead try to relax and "have fun" with her, be silly.

Also, I would recommend a book I just so happen to be currently reading. "She's Gonna Blow" by Julie Barnhill. It is GREAT on the theme of mom's losing their temper and is hilarious!

Hope some of this helps! Hang in there mom!

Joyfully,
G.

Congratulations on being a mom of two beautiful, healthy daughters! It certainly is a different world than it is when raising one child, isn't it? :)

As is evident from the emails you have received so far, you can see that you are certainly not alone! Your feelings and frustrations and your older daughter's behavior are VERY NORMAL!

I went through the same thing when my daughter was born a year ago and my son was 2 1/2. He went from being almost potty trained and wanting to do everything by himself, to being needy and clingy and whiny and not going potty anymore (diapers got more attention!). He observed that being a baby seems to make you more loved, so that is how he behaved. My doctor said, "Imagine how you would feel, if you go from being the center of your husband's universe, then he brings home another woman for you to live with and expects you to be excited, happy, and behave as you always did...AND expects you to love this person and care for them?!?! How would that feel?" That is pretty much how the older sibling feels. They go from being the "one and only", the first born, to being expected to wait while everyone oohs and aahs over the new little one. It's got to be hard. Take a deep breath. Involve her when you can. And, explain all the things she gets to do as a big girl that her baby sister cannot do.

Good Luck and all the best to your new family!