Too Old? Too Young?

She did all this with her allowance? You are giving her too much of an allowance. Plus are you driving her to the mall? Teen store, what is a teen store?

I mean everything you listed would cost hundreds of dollars, who paid for that?

Sorry but I have a 12 year old girl and this does not seem real!!

I think you are right.

I do not allow the girl to go out of the house with anything I don't approve. Simply remove them from her belongings when it's time to do the laundry. Tell her they are not appropriate clothing and that she will not be allowed to have them again. Her loss. Also, if the bra's are inappropriate take them too. She's trying to make it look like she has boobs. She's playing with fire.

I wouldn't even let my 15 year old dress like that. I'm assuming this is the same child you had the iPod/bedtime issues with. You need to set some ground rules, and fast or you are going to have a world of trouble. She doesn't get to buy or wear clothes you don't approve of, same with makeup. As for the bras, if they are too big is she stuffing them to make herself look bigger? They go back to the store, too. Take control of your child, that is what she is, a child! Just because she has saved allowance money doesn't mean she gets to spend it on whatever she wants. Allowances aren't a right, if she shows irresponsible spending or choices, then you have the right to stop the allowance. It sounds like the 12 year old is running your house, remind yourself who is in charge!

A., I can't encourage you enough to lay down the law, now. My 16 year old daughter knows that she can't buy clothes that we don't OK and that if she does, she's returning them. Shopping without us is a privilege and she knows that when buying shorts or swimsuits or dresses, she is to take a pic in the dressing room and send it to me before buying. She also knows that there is a minimum inseam that we'll allow on shorts - 5 inches is what we prefer but we'll allow 3 inches if it's too hard to find 5 inches and if the 3 inches are not too tight, aren't frayed at the bottom, etc. She knows what our expectations are and lives by them because we set the rules early and didn't back down. I don't care how skanky everyone else looks, my daughter is not going around in booty shorts and crop tops with her butt and her boobs hanging out.

If I were you, I would go with her to return everything that she bought. If she opened it or took the tags off already, then too bad, she can donate the clothes or throw out the make up and lose the money that she spent.

Regarding the make up...before my daughter lived with us (she's technically my step-daughter) she lived with her mom through age 13 and used to experiment with gothy makeup. For several months, the first thing she did when coming to our house was to wash her face because heavy makeup on a 12 year old is ridiculous. For her 13th birthday, I had a Mary Kay lady come and give her and her friends a skin care and make up class and bought her some good quality make up. She now buys only good make up and applies it very tastefully.

I would let her know that because she made poor choices when shopping, she won't be able to actually buy clothes when shopping without you. She can window shop with her friends but for actually buying clothes, you will go with her and approve of what she selects.

Why would you "expect" that at any age. I think that's part of the problem, you decided that all teen girls eventually start using their bodies as a way to get sexual attention. Not true.

I have a 15 year old, that's not the type of attention she's seeking and I'm not worried about my 11 year old dressing provocatively either. They both know that type of attention is not good for their souls. If a boy finds them attractive it's because they are pretty and smart not because their rear is hanging out of their shorts and they have on a pound of make up.

If you just tell her no she will sneak out and change her "look" after you're gone. You need to find a way to get her to not want to dress that way. Talk to her about how she wants to be valued as a young woman. Find out why she needs that attention in the first place. How does she measure her own worth and success? At her age she should be involved in positive activities that don't allow too much time for hanging at the mall. Seems she is not using her time (or money) very well. Don't wait on this, at 12 your window is closing!

I second everything JB had to say on this. Return the clothes or she must donate them. I don't care if she has a screaming baby fit over this... there are some things she is just going to have to live with. This includes dressing reasonably and appropriately for her age.

She may tell you that you are being mean, but this is about setting reasonable limits for what is appropriate dress. You told her what she was 'allowed' to have and she chose to buy things she wasn't allowed to use. For the makeup, I'd set it aside somewhere secure (read: locked, or take it to your work) for her to have when she turns however old you feel is appropriate for those other cosmetics which weren't pre-approved.

I also think that you need to talk to her about *planning* how to spend her money. The fact that she has this much pocket money to do with as she pleases -- without consulting you-- is worrisome. That is a LOT of cash for a kid to have on hand to blow. Teach her to shop for things that are cute and flattering instead of what her friends think looks 'awesome'. I have a son, and while I won't say that "I don't want him to see that" --because he will-- I would encourage him to steer clear of liking or getting romantically involved with girls whose self-esteem appear to be wrapped up in appearing 'sexy'.. I would love for him to one day (when he's sixteen or 17) find nice dating partners or prom dates who are able to show that they value themselves in healthier ways.

You are not over reacting. I have a near 12 year old and she is still very much a little girl, but I see what her friends are doing and there is no way in hell I'd be okay with it! Stay strong and don't listen to "that's what everyone wears." Personally, I'd be returning all those items and she would be banned from going to the mall with friends for a while. 12 is too young to be unsupervised at the mall, especially if she's so influenced by others and makes poor decisions.

I think you need to talk to her 1. About why she wants these clothes and 2. why you DON'T want her to have these clothes and 3. if there is a compromise you and she can come to agreement on. I would not allow my 12 yr old to keep skanky clothing, though I personally might not worry so much about weird hair colors (hair grows out). But I already talk to my DD about showing respect for herself and others by not showing her underpants and plan to die on the hill of no deliberately exposed bra straps. I lost that fight with my SD because her bioparents didn't care.

So after the talk, my DD would either donate or return the clothing and I would offer to take her shopping for things that weren't so revealing and inappropriate for a 6th grader. I'd also discuss time and place for playing dress up and a time and place for dressing modestly (like at a wedding or in church). I did the whole weird hair and make up thing myself - but when I went to work or church, I dressed the part.

And I'd keep talking (in general) to keep an ear out on a bad influence friend, a boy she shouldn't be interested in, hanging out with an older crowd, etc. Having good communication is not going to make her bullet proof. But when she messes up (as teens do), she'll be more likely to talk to you about it.

ETA: I would take the clothes or return them. Why? Backpacks. Kids will stuff the forbidden item in their backpacks and change at school. Or take off the layer you made them wear for modesty. Oldest "trick" in the book. If she shouldn't have them, make them GONE.

Some of this is battle with fighting some is not. Here are the things I would do (looking back here my daughter is almost 32 so I have had this battle lol)

Shirts to short, tight, etc. Make her do layers get her some of those long
Cammie tops. Wear them or you can't wear the others. Period.
Short shorts in your room and our yard only. Period.

Make up - lip gloss a little mascara maybe a little blush sure.
Costume make up sure on the weekends. But not at school. School is for learning. Not a fashion show. And yes this is a battle I would fight.

I would not let her keep the bras. I would make her return them for the correct size. There is no need for the ones that don't fit.

I'd say the easy natural consequence here is simply to let her have wasted her money by not allowing her to wear the clothes and make-up outside of the house.

Allow her to wear them at home (they belong to her, and it isn't like there are people getting the "wrong idea" in your house) but make it clear that it isn't safe for young girls to go out in public dressed in a way that attracts sexual attention from men. It's certainly against the dress code at her school, so that should be a non-negotiable anyway.

Bras need to fit properly. Take her back to the store and help her get fitted for ones that are properly sized.

You may want to ease up on the make up. It'll be a lot harder to make a rule that's about your own taste than about modesty or personal safety. Since you DO allow her to wear make up, you can't really say it's not age appropriate... so that ship has already sailed.

Ultimately, though. You're the mom. Just make sure you think your position all the way though so that you are not being reactionary when you deal with her on this.

HTH
T.

Our rule growing up was that our shorts couldn't come any higher than the tips of our fingers when we held our arms straight down. We weren't allowed to have more than 3 fingers of skin showing under out shirt when reaching up.

Personally, I like these guidelines, and plan to use the same for my daughter. I hate how our society has little girls trying to grow up so fast.

I wasn't even allowed to wear any makeup until high school... All I wore was Chapstick. Lol. Definitely no eyeliner or eyeshadow! (Concealer I wouldn't have a problem with, if she is starting to have acne that she wants to cover up.)

I would tell her that she can spend her money how she wants if you allow that, BUT she still has to follow the house rules for modesty and appropriate makeup.

I don't have daughters but have sons and don't like girls walking around half dressed for my boys to see. My parents would have taken those cloths and thrown them away even if I had spent my own money on them. As long as she is a minor and lives with you you have a say in what she wears. I was not allowed to wear makeup till about 13 and even then it was minimal. If you don't approve you must put your foot down. It wont get any easier as she get's older!

My daughter is in 6th grade.
She would never do that.
Why?
She knows our rules, and she has good judgment about things and she always asks permission, for purchases she wants to make, even if it is with her own money.
And she does not just do things, because other girls are doing it.
Sure she has classmates like that. As you describe. But she is not that way, and she knows herself and knows that that is them, and she is herself.

I don't understand why she still has the clothes, make up and bras.

I agree with others - what kind of allowance does she have?

I want to copy and paste the responses from:
Wild Woman
Christy Lee
J B
Julie S
Well, heck just about EVERYONE below!

Thank God I don't have girls. My boys are shorts and pants and they absolutely hate shorts that do not touch their knees. Above their knees? Too short! Wouldn't you just love it if your daughter felt that way?

Ask her what impression she wants to give to others. Just like we've done with our boys. We will NOT allow them to wear pants or shorts that show their underwear from the waist. No plumbers cracks here...no gangsta look here either. My oldest who will be 15 next month, tried the low-rise pant look. He wasn't wearing a belt. I pulled his pants down without any effort, at the store. Now there weren't a ton of people around, but he got the message. His pants are UP and secured.

Tyler and I have told the boys on many occasions, people will size you up in the first 30 seconds they have met you. What do you want them to think of you? Respectable or heathen? Thank God...they have selected RESPECTABLE.

You really need to find out WHY your daughter is making these choices. This means getting her in a car and talking...and listening. It's your job to parent her. I know others here have told you that. I feel like it needs to be said again. you are her parent. NOT her friend.

A.-

You can try to curb this, but unless you get her to buy into why the choices are inappropriate, or why this isn't the best/ good for her, or why she should defer to you as the parent, she might just sneak the clothes and or makeup. I started a little older than your girl, but wore black lipliner, grungy clothes throughout highschool on the sly, among other things.

Best,
F. B.

My dd is in 5th grade, probably has the opposite problem...she's much smaller and less mature than her peers (a very late bloomer)...however, I do see a lot of the girls who are really getting into things that are best left for high school.

I would put a stop right now to the bigger bras, and revealing clothes. One thing leads to another and it's going to involve boys and kissing, and on to sex in middle school and high school. Usually a girls appearance is the first signal to boys that she's ready and willing.
I would try to instill some modesty and let her know that she will be judged by others.
You may also want to look at who she's hanging out with. that has a huge influence at this age.

I have a 6th grade daughter. Shopping for clothes with her was no fun because she was disgusted by the very items of clothing you describe. We had a hard time finding just normal t-shirts and jeans. BUT, if she had come home with these things, we would have made another trip to the mall, to return everything.

I wouldn't like it or accept it and would use my powers of parent-veto (even though it was her allowance money) to offer to bring her back to the store with her receipts so she could make some better choices. I have a feeling that the choices she made were more for her friend's benefit rather than her own. You know... my money, my choice, my mom's not here, I can do what I want, see? Ha ha ha!

So I'd give your daughter that way out. Let her know that some of the things she picked are cute if only she were in her 20's. If anything can be considered appropriate such as if it can be worn with something else... like can the short shorts be worn under a cute skirt that you like but is cutting it closely regarding how short it is? Or are they the kind of shorts that you can put a layer of capri leggings under? Can a top be worn as an underneath layer for another shirt that's too short?

Help her find bras that fit her, since at this age she probably doesn't know she can get them fitted and just pulled them off the rack. Get those returned and help her find something that fits and is pretty. If the make-up is unopened, help her exchange it to a color palette that flatters her and teach her how to apply it and use it for special occasions. Allow it for Fridays if she can figure out how to use it subtly.

She needs to know you want her to still be stylish, but you still get some say in how the clothes will be presented. This is working for me with my 13 year old. She has some pretty, soft make-up that I bought for her that brings some sparkle to her cheeks and lips and other than that, she's happy. The rest is too fussy to her. Her friends dab a little mascara on her, but it's never really too noticeable... the girls just want to say that they're wearing makeup. They're good girls. They all have something a bit risque if worn on its own, but we (the moms) have taught them to pair it up with something else so it's more of an accessory and it's not the focus of their outfits.

I'd also return those books with her. Just talk with her and make sure she feels like she's part of the decision-making.

EDIT: I realize it sounds like I'm suggesting being soft on her, but I'm not. What you have to do is lay down the law and be the parent but you also have to make sure that your daughter feels like she's part of the process. Because there's no way in hell my daughter would walk out the door in the clothes and make-up you described but I've also learned that some things can't be a complete NO NO NO. If something just can't be redeemed at all, or she reacts poorly no matter how you approach this, then she loses all chance at you trying to work it through with her and teaching her rather than using a heavy hand. My real point is to use this as a teaching moment and maybe even a bonding moment while you also discipline her.

At 12 years old, my daughter doesn't go clothes shopping without me, and certainly isn't allowed to wear makeup. I won't even let her dye her hair until she is 14.

However, I do not like the morality stance you are taking, as it's not how I bring my children up. The "devil did her make up"? What does that mean? And she doesn't have the freedom yours does, as I wouldn't let her walk around a mall without an adult. She's too young. I honestly have no issues with short shorts or skirts, but they have no place at school. I think all schools should have uniforms, but that's me, and I'm glad ours has a strict dress code so we don't even have these issues with what clothes are appropriate for school.

I think your daughter is spending too much time with her friends and not enough time with you. If that's one of the issues, that's easy to fix :)

I wouldn't let my 12 year old take a lot of money and go shopping with a friend in the first place.

Gather up the inappropriate clothing, bras and books and take her to return it. Also confiscate most of the opened makeup. At 12, I'd think lip gloss and maybe concealer was more than enough.

You're giving her more freedom than she has the ability to handle. She has shown that she can't be trusted to shop without you, so she won't be allowed to do so again for at least another year