Tons of School Issues. . .to Speak up or Keep Quiet?

Updated on October 15, 2010
K.D. asks from Auburndale, MA
12 answers

It seems like my oldest daughter (5th grade) has a ton of issues at school with various teacher/grading/girl drama, etc. I try to let things slide and keep my mouth shut, but I end up always having to speak up. Then I feel like a psycho mom. When do you let things slide and when do you speak up?

Her teacher fainted the first day of school, broke her jaw and hasn't been back to school. The school was pretty quick about getting a substitute. At first it seemed like the sub was well qualified, but now it seems she is pretty inexperienced, lies to cover herself and gets very defensive.

The class wasn't informed of a leadership program that the kids were able to apply for and they ALL missed the deadline. This was something my daughter really wanted to do but becasue the sub didn't tell them about it, she didn't get to. I found myself in the vice principal's office arguing for her chance to apply, but the teacher lied to cover herself (saying she did tell the class, even though 22 kids say she didn't). I ended up at the superintendent level and she was very sympathetic and made sure the class got a chance to apply past the deadline.

Then the teacher has been sending home homework that she hasn't covered in class. Again, many parents were getting frustrated, but I think I was the only one to speak up. I had to go to the school's math curriculum person to get any change in this.

Then my daughter was given a poor grade on a science test when many of her answers were correct. At first my daughter spoke up about herself, but the teacher held her ground (I mean obviously correct answers!!). So I sent an email and she gave her the points back as well as the points to the rest of the class. (she said that the statements "the moon orbits around the earth" was incorrect and "the earth rotates or revolves in space" was incorrect - fill in the blank questions, just for some examples).

Then we get the progress reports and my daughter gets a C in math even though every single assingment she has brought home has 100% on it. Again, I felt it was necessary to speak up. The teacher says the C is a great grade and reflects her mastery of the subject matter. Huh?

My father in law died very suddenly on Friday night. My girls both found him in the yard and witnessed me doing CPR and witnessed the paramedics trying to save him. It was horribly traumatic and sad. I had to inform my daughter's teachers of what happened, but I had to hesitate because I feel like she probably cringes everytime she gets an email from me. I feel like we are full of drama and issues.

I ask my friends who don't speak up why they don't and I get answers everywhere from they don't want their kids punished because of their parents' actions to they are too busy to make it a priority. All of them have the same complaints. I'm not one to just sit and complain and gossip. . .I want things to change and I want the best possible experiences for my child. And I do work full-time and am actually very busy, but I will never not have time to speak up when I feel like my daughter is being unjustly treated. She works very hard and is a smart girl that deserves to be recognized as such. Should I keep quiet and let things slide? Or am I doing the right thing?

And I should add that in her 3 years of school, I have barely had to speak up about a single issue for my younger daughter. She has had terrific teachers and no issues or drama. My older daughter always seems to end up with the issues - there is something every year!! (2nd grade her teacher fell at the beginning of the year and was out for 4 months as well. . .took 6 weeks of that to get a consistent sub).

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Just to answer some of the questions that have been raised. The rumors about the return of the regular teacher range anywhere from October 25 through mid-November. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

Also, I guess I have to say that I'm not the only one who has spoken up. There was a big hoopla about bathroom breaks (kids weren't allowed to go except for at set times) and other moms went to the principal about it and got it changed. That one didn't bother me as much so I stayed out of it. Also the thing with the leadership program - I didn't even know about it until another mom called me and told me - she was upset becasue she was PTA president and responsible for bringing the program to the school and her daughter was never given a chance to apply. She and I went together to the principal about it, but she ended up dropping it (got me all upset and then she backed down thinking it would affect her daughter adversely). I went to the superintendent and that's how the kids got to participate.

It's the academic stuff that I don't think anyone else speaks up about. Thanks for the feedback! I will continue to advocate for my daughter as needed!

More Answers

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

There's a psychological concept known as "dispersed responsibility"... which translates to simply mean that the more people who are involved or witnessing something wrong happening... the LESS likely anyone is to do anything about it.

One of the most famous cases of this is Kitty Genovase, but it really spans in all directions... from how things like the halocaust can happen (when any thinking/feeling person otherwise saves a child from being killed), to Kitty who was raped and beaten to death while all her neighbors watched and listened for HOURS, to a stranger collapsing in the street (the ring of bystanders who do nothing, to those who just continue walking) to a car accident that doesn't get phoned in because "everyone else assumes someone else will" (that's the kicker in this), to a school classroom... where there are not only 30 other students, but also 30 sets of parents, but also other teachers, school admin, school board... etc.

BE that person who steps up when something is wrong.

4 moms found this helpful
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A.M.

answers from Boise on

I think I would do the same thing. I also think I would take the test example, as well as the math examples to the principle and explain that the teacher's personality and your daughter's leaning style are not working out. Let the principle know that you believe your daugher would learn better in another teacher's class and that you want her changed.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

Wow, I'd raise a stink until something was changed! The teacher is obviously incompetent and your daughter's education shouldn't suffer because of it. I would keep the examples you have and document everything, calmly explain your concerns to the administration, and then I would insist she be moved to another class.

1 mom found this helpful

M.L.

answers from Houston on

I would do the same thing. I don't usually make a big stink about things, but this is your daughter's education and grades. The teacher can't even do her math right to tally an incorrect c grade and marks correct answers wrong, and fails to meet basic deadlines. Sounds like she is very lackadaisical. I calmly present your concerns and would request a new teacher or for your daughter to be moved to a different class. Take all of the evidence and document everything and go to the superintendent if you have to.

Also, she and the guidance counselor should definitely know about the tragedy of your father in law. Do not be afraid to let them know. I'm sorry all of this is happening!

1 mom found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Detroit on

I think you are doing a good job of advocating for your daughter. It's unfortunate, but necessary in the examples you have given. It is also teaching your daughter some good assertive skills... Which is especiaaly important for girls/women! Hopefully things get better, but keep plugging along... If you do/ say nothing, nothing will change and your daughter will probably suffer more from that.

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B.R.

answers from Phoenix on

You are doing the right thing KD, and I would recommend getting some of your parent friends to sign off on a document listing their grievances with this sub; this might be easier for them to do instead of coming out to confront themselves at the same time giving you ammunition to use in your daughters case. If that doesn't help; tell them you want a new teacher for your daughter.

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E.P.

answers from New York on

You're doing the right thing. Sometimes we have to be the one to speak up - even if everyone else THINKS the same thing. At this point, I might ask that she be moved to a different class. Middle school is just around the corner and you can't afford to miss learning anything in 5th grade. My daughter is in 6th grade and I'm going in next week to speak to a guidance counseler about one of her teachers - a Language Arts teacher that doesn't seem to have a command of the English language and it's not a cultural thing. She's not clear in her instructions (written or spoken) and won't entertain questions from anyone in the class when they're confused which is every day. My daughter said she's not learning anything. I'm requesting her teacher be changed. We have to speak up for our kids. Good luck!

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R.M.

answers from Boston on

Why not make a formal list of all the complaints or observations that you have experienced throughout the school year so far and then request that she be transferred to a different classroom? Ask your daughter how she would feel about being transferred to a different classroom. Also, you should pursue that C grade - if you have the old assignments, you can easily show these to the principal and request a reason as to why she received a C grade. If your daughter works hard, she deserves the right grades and the right teachers!

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J.L.

answers from San Diego on

If this teacher is inexperienced, that should not matter, every teacher is inexperience when they first start teaching. and you know as well as i that kids love to give subs a hard time. I believe going to bat for your kids, but everything this teacher does can't be a battle, and you are calling this teacher a liar, and you were not in the class to know what she mentions and what she doesn't. Cut the teacher some slack especially if you are the only mom complaining. J.

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K.U.

answers from Detroit on

When is the regular teacher supposed to be back?

You need to advocate for your daughter because God knows nobody else will...I agree it is a fine line between that and being someone who fights her battles for her, but I think based on what you have described, you need to have a talk with the principal, document everything, and try to have her switched to another class if this substitute is still going to be around much longer.

L.M.

answers from Dover on

Sounds like a meeting w/ teacher and a principle is in order. I say together because you have already approached the teacher individually. Go in w/ a list of issues (focus mostly on the whole class first, then specifics w/ your daughter). Be calm and respectful but insist on being heard and something being done.

I agree that you don't want your child penalized because of you standing up for her, you have to stand up for your children. You also have to realize that sometimes our children are not the same child in school that they are at home and may not always be innocent in a situation. That is not to say I think that is the case here (seems like all the kids are having the same problem but may not have the support from home to do anything about it). Since it is the whole class, I wouldn't request she be moved but rather the teacher be moved/replaced.

Sometimes the papers that come home are not the only ones that are graded. Ask to see a listing of all grades considered in the C rating. Then question anything that doesn't look right (bring what you have at home and ask to see anything that wasn't brought home that doesn't look right). Could you daughter not have brought home some that was graded and not as good as the others? Could some of the problem be a class participation or in class assignmnets bringing her grade down. My son once had a teacher whose instructions were horribly confusing (even for me) and she didn't really seem to be able to teach (even though I sure she knew the material) and gave him a zero for missing assignments and when I showed the teacher they were graded she corrected it. Not sure if she recorded his in the wrong slot or not at all. I had another time that he had a zero, she was going to let him redo the assignment for partial credit. I knew he had done it and he was sure he handed it in (even though he did sometimes forget). She finally checked her stack of papers and actually had it.

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L.N.

answers from New York on

i would set up a meeting with the teacher, have a list of everything you have stated here and go through one by one, esp. the ones regarding grades.
we are going through the same thing with one teacher right now. i am hearing from other parents having same complaints as i do (work not being covered yet kids being tested on material the teacher didn't even introduce, inconsistent grading etc). all the parents are upset but none of them wanted to say anything in fear of retaliation.
so i made an appt only because on top of everything else she was not following my daughter's medical guidelines. in fact, i wasn't aware she wasn't until my daughter started telling me about them.
i made the appt, asked for 1 hr meeting. had a list of things printed out. met the teacher, held my ground, was polite enough but angry enough to make my opinion clear.
i think, things changed for my daughter. the meeting just took place so i have yet to see if she will follow through but there is no doubt about anything anymore.
i think meet with the teacher first. ask her to explain how the grading takes place. is a 100 per cent on tests mean C? (be armed with info from other parents to see if other children with same performance got Cs too), and make sure you are aware of any inconsistencies in her grading). if you are lied to, then schedule another meeting with the principal, teacher and you. have everything brought up again.
i think the school will try to cover their behinds because they need her right now, but this should not mean kids become guinea pigs until the teacher returns. all in all, i'd be pissed, but wouldn't wait for other parents to join.

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